top of page
6x6 Profile-ScrapBook-009-2014.jpg
19700118

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you;

Before you were born I sanctified you;

I ordained you a prophet to the nations.”

Jeremiah 1:5

Patrizia Schwartz, also known as Trixi, was born in Germany, raised in South Africa from age 5. I migrated to New Zealand with my husband, Clive, & our 2 boys, Jesse (26) & Misha (22) in July 2014. 

Over the years, I've dabbled with various creative ventures which include sewing, knitting, crocheting, embroidery & cross-stitch embroidery, choir, dance & drama. I rediscovered my creative abilities in September 2017 & it has been instrumental in my healing journey. I tried my hand at painting in September 2019 & started my studio, Trixi's Creations with a focus on Healing heARTs shortly after. I'm a mixed-media artist who works in pencil and coloured pencils, watercolours, acrylics, pastels and digital scrapbooking. 

#2_20190904_2.jpg

For most of my life I've believed that LIE that I'm a Jack of all trades, master of NONE. However, God's Truth is that He created me that way so I can reach more people. I'm a "Jack of all trades, master of DIVERSITY." 

Strong, gentle, fierce, tenacious and compassionate, I create whimsical pieces that spread the message that God loves you, is there for you, and you’re never alone. As a faith-filled, life-speaking, fully devoted follower of Christ, my desire is to touch people’s hearts with the love of God & bring healing to the nations through creativity. My number 1 passion & purpose is to change the world🌏 1 💔 heart at a time.

 

Prior to becoming a stay-at-home & homeschool mom almost 20 years ago, I held various roles in the corporate sector, the last of which was a half-day job in which I served as an Office & Systems Administrator, prior to that Personal Assistant, Secretary, Receptionist & Administrative Assistant.

Me
ABOUT

Childhood



As a post abortion baby , with the spirit of death wrapped around me since conception, I was incubated in fear, shame & survival guilt. I was born believing I'm a mistake, I shouldn't be here, I have to earn my keep & prove myself worthy of love resulting in a lifelong struggle with depression & suicidal thoughts.


I was raised in a Godless & emotionally neglectful home. My earliest childhood memory is hiding in the dark closet at maybe 4 years old whilst drunk parents were fighting crockery flying across the room. For years I doubted this specific memory until 3 years ago when my brother confirmed it was true. As a little child I would throw tantrums in order to get some attention from my parents, because to me being scolded was better than being ignored. I vividly remember having my head shoved under the cold water tap for crying hence I spent the rest of my life suppressing my tears. To add insult to injury, my mom once told me I wasn't planned. My brother often teased me endlessly until I got a hiding for screaming in frustration.


I lost my grandparents & other relatives to migration when we immigrated to South Africa in October 1975. My parents never encouraged communication, so they became strangers we'd only see once more 4 years later. After that many more moves followed, I stopped counting at 30 by the time I was 20. This included 9 different primary schools & 3 high schools which included about 5 years of boarding school 3-4 hours away from home. All of that caused severe social anxiety & left me feeling like an outsider struggling to make & maintain friendships for the rest of my life. I stopped trying to fit & make friends because friendships wouldn't survive snail mail & regular moves.


Ouboet & I spent many days home alone with the domestic worker, Liesbet, there in the morning & back in her little house on the other end of the lifestyle block the rest of the day. Dad would hang out at the pub most days after work. Mom was a restaurant manageress & would sleep at work often. There were times we didn't see either of them for weeks. At that stage I was still scared of the dark & would switch mom & dad's bedside radio & the hall light on before going to bed. They would switch off when they got home & by the time we woke up would be gone to work already.


In 1977 mom sent us to a German boarding school about 4 hours away from home. On weekends when the other kids went home, we'd remain because it was just too far to fetch us every weekend.  After a few months, my classmate started to invite us to their farm & her parents would become the first set of "parents" that would introduce us to a Godly life.


After 2 years dad's speeding fines on every trip to & from boarding school became too much for the budget so by the end of 1979 we were home alone again. Fortunately, we had gotten new neighbours across the road who would become best friends. We would spend most of our time visiting them & were treated like part of the family. For the first time in my childhood I experienced family the way God intended. I gained 2 sisters & a brother. On Sundays they would go to church & invite us to go with them, which we did for a long time.


My parents divorced when I was 10 after which mom dropped us with our neighbours/friends across the road. I would later hear it was because she didn't want us anymore. At that stage, my brother & I were severely malnourished having lived mostly on mieliepap, bread & eggs. We didn't know the difference between carrots & pumpkin or cabbage & lettuce. I remember hating the taste of the tonic the doctor prescribed so much that when Mams took the bottle out, I ran & hid outside. Mams & Paps loved us like their own, but unfortunately this joy was short lived because 3 months later mom came back to fetch us. She was moving provinces & her new boyfriend had insisted she bring her children along & I wouldn’t see them again for a few years. I often thought my dad didn’t love us because mom said he didn’t care when we asked why he never phoned.  Years later I would find out that she’d told him we didn’t want to speak to him.


There were a few more boyfriends after that & when I was 12 mom remarried. We were in boarding school at the time & hardly knew him. Initially he seemed a fine guy but when we were home permanently again, we quickly learnt he too had alcohol abuse issues & would budget his monthly alcohol purchases over the grocery budget. 5 days after my 13th birthday my little sister was born & from then on. Suddenly things changed at home.  He now had his own daughter and I felt no longer important. For me this meant more rejection because suddenly I could do nothing right. I related to Cinderella, being good enough only to wash the dishes, doing house chores, changing nappies, babysitting & having to take sis out to play in the local park. I loved her to bits but hated how she was everything to my parents, but my existence was barely noted & nothing I did or achieved was ever good enough.


Not long after that I was molested by my sister's godfather when he would come visit us with his wife. He was such a kind person but whenever he visited with my mom & stepdad, they would drink a lot & when he was drunk he'd touch me in places that made me cringe. At the time I had no sense of personal boundaries & didn't know about inappropriate touching. The confusion, guilt & shame that brought was immense. Is this how people showed love, but why so much guilt & shame? I couldn't talk to my mom about it because I felt she either wouldn't believe me or would blame me for it so I just shut down & buried it as deep as I could. I was glad when my step-dad was transferred & we moved to the other end of the country so I didn't have to see these people again.


The next few years of my youth are a blur of struggle for survival. My abuser reappeared on the scene again for a period of time but thankfully, in our last year of high school mom decided to send us to boarding school, again 3 hours away from home, because of the nightly turmoil over my step-dad's regular drunkenness. When I finished school, I wanted out, so I moved to Cape Town, to live with Mams & Paps. I can't remember the details how it happened, but I ended up teaching sewing lessons at Deo Gloria Christian School in Napier when I was 19. Due to me not having a car or license, Oom Leon & Tannie Jacobi took me into their home for about a year. Once again I was loved like their own daughter & during this time, I first gave my heart to God, was baptised & experienced deliverance from depression for the first time. I had such strong support that I was always singing joyfully. Even though my mom at that stage wanted nothing to do with me until I “changed back” to the way I ways before, & my brother started ignoring me because of stories my mom & step-mom told him, I was fairly content because I had my church family supporting me through that pain.

25 October 1989

Young Adulthood


I started my working career in June 1989. Both my “sisters” got jobs at Sanlam as well & we lived in Sanlam's hostel. However, Mams & Paps decided to move away & both Antoinette & Ronel decided to leave their jobs to join them. I was settled in my job & didn’t want to uproot myself again so I decided to stay. I had found a church, attended a home cell & had found a new family where I was loved & accepted "warts & all". All was well for a few years, after all I had received a prophesy that God would turn the hearts of the fathers to their children & that He would restore my family & was hanging on to that for dear life.


After two failed engagements, I met & married my husband, Clive. I was utterly disappointed about dad & brother not attending our wedding. We were financially strained & took a transfer to Johannesburg in order to get area allowance to afford living.


Then life happened, various new jobs, increased stress & crime in surrounding areas increased. Relationships with our Cape Town friends didn't withstand the test of distance. I was back at keeping up all the contact, never hearing from people if I didn’t initiate it & I started struggling with rejection, isolation & abandonment again.


In 1996 I ended up in hospital due to an ectopic pregnancy after falling pregnant within weeks of starting a new job. This brought about some challenges because my superior was not happy that I had left the office unmanned when she attended a regional meeting together with the regional manager. She dismissed my issue as not significant because I had been barely 6 weeks pregnant. Once again depression returned & with that my first round of anti-depressants. My emotional turmoil was wreaking havoc with my ability to work well & I was constantly messing up & couldn't do anything right to the extent that she wanted to do a disciplinary. However, in November having totally mixed-up hormones I went to the gynaecologist to get help sorting those but found out that I was expecting again. Clive & I decided we weren't going to risk pregnancy with the work stress, so I resigned & started temping instead. After Jesse 3 more miscarriages followed but because of previous experiences I never told anyone that I was even pregnant. Even my pregnancy with Misha was also only revealed when I passed the 12-week mark for fear that we’d lose him before & then had to explain away the loss again.


Another huge blow to my emotions was my little sister’s court wedding on her 18th birthday. Whilst I was at work mom sent me an SMS to notify me that she had just got married. Not being invited or even informed that they were planning to do this was a major disappointment because I wanted to arrange a kitchen tea & be there with her. My mom’s absence at my son’s births has also weighed heavy on me over the years. She didn't drive 70km to be there when I gave birth but flew in from Ireland to be there for the birth both of my sister's children.


Another huge disappointment was our being church choir disbanded due to "a lack of commitment" in spite of  being there every week for every practice, service & event although I had a baby & was doing Bible College at the same time.


My husband and I were cell leaders for 7 years, during which time we’d help support in many ways even financially those in our group that were struggling. Much of our financial debt was accumulated because we’d give till it hurt via our credit card. The first of few years of leadership we had a very supportive zone pastor who would visit & phone regularly as well as have regular leadership get togethers. But then he resigned & was replaced. Our new leader was in our home maybe twice in 4 years & the leadership get togethers dwindled away. Then when we needed emotional support when mother-in-law got cancer, everyone was gone & even the leadership faltered. I sent out a prayer request email, stating that if I as a Christian felt so unloved & unsupported in church, I could very well imagine how the unbelievers must look at the church. Instead of coming to our aid, our zone pastor phoned my husband telling him I’m unruly & he needed to control me better because that email was portraying him in a bad light. Once again I felt betrayed, rejected, and abandoned & stopped going to church. In 2007 we dealt with three deaths all by ourselves. Oma Else’s had the most impact & depression returned followed by suicidal thoughts. I felt so rejected & abandoned by our leadership that I turned away from Christianity & wanted nothing more to do with any of it. We resigned as home cell leaders & it took 3 weeks & an email including the senior pastor before our zone pastor even acknowledged our resignation.


After that followed 3 major operations, twice in ICU for three days within 14 months starting in 2009 with absolutely no support, not even my family came to visit me in hospital & only received 1 visit afterwards whilst I spent 6 weeks recovering. We started reducing our visits to the family & unless we initiated it, we hardly heard from anyone. Of course, crime in our area was increasing steadily & with that came the constant concern about our family’s safety. I wouldn’t dare to drive at night & stuck to a strict 30km radius from home. I stopped watching the news & TV because I just couldn’t handle the trauma around what was happening around us anymore.

16 June 2010

Trixi's HomeEd Academy




We have a very active, yet highly intelligent 7 year old, who has been struggling through school for the past 2 years. It has recently come to our attention that his gross & fine motor skills foundation has not been addressed properly at a Gr. R level. He is also a kinaesthetic, visual spatial & active learner & this learning style is not catered for in most of our schools today. He hated school, was always tired & homework time was a major frustration for both of us.


“A mother’s first duty to her children is to secure for them a quiet and growing time, a full six years of passive receptive life, the waking part of it for the most part spent out in the fresh air.” ~ Charlotte Mason

And that’s where the “system” failed our little one quite miserably…

Already in Grade R we called on Tannie Hettie to help, because by end of August, he still didn’t know his alphabet. Within 3 weeks with 1 hour at Hettie, twice a week, he knew half of it & by the end of the year he had it all. During this time hubby started suggesting home education, but I resisted because I just didn’t feel confident that I would be able to do it. I figured, I’d probably strangle him in a week because we were always frustrated & irritable when doing homework.

But then in Grade 1 teacher insisted he needed speech therapy, so that’s what he got. But it didn’t end there, because speech therapy just caused more confusion. After 3 months the teacher figured we should switch him over to remedial lessons instead. During this time of course it was suggested that he does extra lessons. Needless to say, the remedial  lessons (at additional cost to us as parents) produced no results & extra lessons were just adding to his stress.  I went back to Hettie. Once again, he went to her twice a week for an hour after school. But the poor kid was so exhausted, by the time I got back to fetch him she’d mention he was just too tired to really work with, although she did still manage to produce results. At the end of Grade 1 we decided to cancel remedial as well as extra lessons & depended on Hettie entirely to help him. However, he was still tired after school & extra murals, so we reduced it to once a week, but instead of giving more work, she would work with him doing his homework so that he didn’t still have to do that when he got home. It helped a lot, but left little time for her to work with him on movement & motor skills.

With a push & a shove, we managed to get him through grade 1,  but the struggle didn’t end there. He continued to go to Hettie once a week & was making good improvement, but whilst working with him doing his homework one day I noticed that he would “read” words on one page but wasn’t able to recognise them on another. That’s when we realised something was seriously wrong…He kept on insisting that teacher would read to them first & then they would read. What they didn’t realise though, was that he could memorise a page hearing it only once.  he became more & more fidgety in class.

After my neck operation in June, hubby insisted we look into home education as an option, even if just for a short term to get him up to standard, thus I took the school holiday & started some serious investigation in to home education. After the holiday his teacher (a very highly qualified remedial teacher at that) once again requested that we to give him medication for his “lack of concentration”.

Finally we decided to let Hettie stop working with him on his homework. I asked her to go back to the basics & find the problem. Turns out he couldn’t skip a skipping rope, tie his shoe laces or cross his midlines & he remembered nothing of what he should have learnt in Grade R. It seems the school focused too early & too much on academics & neglected the motor skills as well as visual perception. Midline crossing & skipping, being very important skills for fluent reading are just 2 of many areas that have not been addressed properly. Although he can memorise paragraphs, like a parrot, he struggles to read. He Aced his spelling tests but couldn’t spell them when writing sentences. These are just a few of the issues we’ve been working on together with his pre-school teacher to get him through Gr. 2. Up to now he’s been able to cope with his intelligence, but the struggling has impacted his self-esteem very negatively & caused him to dislike school with a passion & homework for us, became an endless battle.

Although the school tried to address the problem with remedial & extra lessons, these showed very little success, but instead placed extra workload & repetition rather than addressing the foundation of the problem… hence we’ve took him back to Hettie Hen Playgroup twice a week since August last year so she could do physical activities & brain gym with him in order to get the brain development going. This has shown huge improvement, but his backlog is so big that he still gets very fidgety in class when he doesn’t understand the tasks at hand.

We met with the principal to discuss the problem & check what they’d do to resolve it, but his reply was that they’d support us in whatever we decided. In the end the teacher was expecting myself & Hettie to work at resolving the foundational problems, in order for him to pass his grade. By then I was at the end of my tether. I think I hated homework time more than he did. Due to the amount of stress caused by school pressure, Hettie & I felt it would be more productive doing this if we removed him from school & this is were our journey in to home education began…


“Every student can learn. Just not on the same day or in the same way.” ~ George Evans

We know now that Misha’s just a normal active little boy who’s trying to cope with a situation that’s way beyond his control. We were just blessed with one of those “round kids” that doesn’t fit into the “square holes”, but refused to accept the labels, & instead, removed him from the “square hole” environment & since he’s been home his reading has improved although he still hates it. He’s getting A’s on his Smart Tutor English & Maths Lessons but absolutely hates filling out the worksheets. He’s a much happier & healthier child, but still has a very long way to go… & yes, three months later both of us are still very much alive, because the stress release on both sides has enabled me to be more patient & tolerable.

We’ve recently registered him with Le-Amen Education Centre in Ruimsig & have pulled him out of school on Friday. What I like about Le-Amen is that they are registered with the Gauteng education department and they supply the curriculum at very reasonable prices. The kids’ work books have to be handed in 3 times a year to be monitored by qualified teachers & at the end of the school year they issue school reports to the children. Both parent & kids are monitored & at matric level they write the same IEB exams as the private schools.

We used the first week to let him destress & deschool. In the interim he’ll be using Time4learning online curriculum to put the fun back into learning. Then we’ll continue his schooling, but will also have to go back as far as Gr. R in order to address his foundation. I just hope we caught it on time to repair the damage & that we will be able to help him reach his full potential in life.


“Mothers write on the hearts of their children what the hand of time can’t erase.” (Unknown)

When I look at the amount of kids in our schools that end up in remedial & extra lessons, I cannot help but wonder how many of them are highly intelligent kids, like Misha, whose foundations have been proved lacking & due to that will be struggling through school for the rest of their lives. I just cannot understand how it is possible in today’s day & age, with all the knowledge available to our teachers regarding the importance of physical activities being the foundation to develop brain functions in our little ones that they still let them sit cooped up in classrooms with academics all day at such a young age. Our little ones should be playing more & learning less, the academics will follow as soon as the body is sorted.

I must confess, I’ve spent months stressing about Misha’s situation & was fuming, when the teacher’s plan to resolve this issue was aimed at Misha’s preschool teacher & myself addressing the foundation in order to get him through Gr. 2. As far as I was concerned, we pay expensive school fees & he shouldn’t have been in this situation in the first place. Today, however, I can honestly say the burden’s lifted & I have peace in my heart that we’ve made the right decision for our boys.


“When we forgive someone, it doesn’t make them right or justify what they have done. It releases them into God’s hands so He can deal with them. Forgiveness is actually the best revenge because it not only sets us free from the person we forgive, but it sets us free to move into all God has for us.” ~ Stormie O’Martian

The school & their staff have been forgiven. I’m letting go & we’re moving forward. I pray for wisdom to make the right decisions in order to continuously guide our sons into reaching their full potential.

20 August 2010

To Be Educated



Our eldest, Jesse, has had a solid Grade R foundation because he graduated with Hettie & didn’t start off at private school like Misha. He seems to have coped quite well in private school & doesn’t have any learning problems, but we felt it impractical to leave one in school & home educate the other, so we gave him the choice to stay or come home. He eagerly chose to come home & I have noticed that school has killed his love for learning too, yet he was still getting good grades.


Although he was achieving good results, he wasn’t reaching his full potential because his love for learning had been destroyed.


Ever since the decision was made, both our boys have changed drastically. They have become much more loveable, relaxed & no longer fight on a daily basis. They actually get along much better & I find them play-wrestling almost on a daily basis. Although our home education journey was only meant to be for a season to get Misha up to standard, we have since decided that they will never ever be exposed to those “square environments” again…


Our biggest challenge for now is how to repair the damage & restore their love for learning, so please if you have any tips/suggestions at all, please leave a comment.

19 December 2010

Migration



We had considered moving to Germany, but because we had taken up home-schooling our boys due to Misha’s learning struggles at school, that was no longer an option since home-schooling in Germany is illegal. Clive started looking at alternatives when our friends immigrated to New Zealand in 2012. Initially I didn’t want to move but over the next 2 years I became convinced there was nothing left for me in SA. Whether I’m all alone there or in NZ would make no difference, or so I told myself. I guess in a sense removed some of the guilt for not wanting to visit people who made me feel so inherently lonely & unloved. 


In March 2014 we made our final decision, told the family & by end of July we bid them all farewell. Effectively nothing has changed. I still don’t hear from my sister unless I initiate. My dad has started phoning occasionally & my mom sends the odd WhattsApp.

24 September 2014

Greater Auckland Chorus



In February 2016 I joined Auckland Chorus to sing again & also to find something to do other than being home alone all day. It took me 6 tries at passing the audition because every time I had to audition anxiety would freak me out & set me up for failure. A massive inner conflict of needing to achieve & want to run away ensued. The 3 hours singing on Tuesdays would carry me through the week despite the social anxiety that I had to fight to get there. Many a day Clive literally booted me out the door to go. Singing enabled me for those 3 hours to switch off the thoughts that so constantly bombarded me. It got me through another week.

4 July 2016

Mothering Young Adults


When we "adopted" a friend’s 22-year-old as a son into our home in September 2014 because he’d run out of money to pay rent whilst studying. Unfortunately, we didn't foresee the influence he would have on our on sons then 17 & 13. My eldest's 18th birthday & subsequent exposure to alcohol & desire for freedom pulling him away from the family would be the first of many to trigger my childhood experiences with drunkards & fears for his safety. The boys would go out at night & often not come home without telling me they were sleeping out. This would send me off in a tangent because I’d stress about how they could be lying somewhere in a ditch having had an accident or something & I wouldn’t know where to even start looking for them. My inability to communicate my experiences & fears effectively, caused me to lash out in anger & frustration, sending the kids running away. I started to feel my family crumble & all my hopes & dreams for my boys & our future were slowly fading away.

23 August 2016

Soar like an Eagle


One morning I was sitting on the swing in the park at Schnapper Rock, numbscrolling through Facebook. I had hit rock-bottom but suddenly this photo my friend, Wendy had taken appeared on my feed & I heard the Lord say "You will soar like an eagle because My love will carry you through this pain."

19 November 2017

Mothering Children not My Own



In October 2016 we took in our eldest's 18-year-old girlfriend & her 4-month-old son into our home straight from hospital because she was in so much pain & incapable of taking care of herself or her son. I loved them without boundaries like my own but was ill-equipped for the emotional rollercoaster & personal trigger moments that would follow. I was constantly worrying about the children’s safety.


Over the following years, the kids' shenanigans, which I experienced as total disrespect & lack of consideration & appreciation for us would trigger many of my buried emotions & set me off on an emotional rollercoaster of note. The biggest one came when baby Sean's biological dad came on the scene 2 years after abandoning her for not aborting the baby & she insisted he should be involved. I cannot explain the anger that welled up inside me. This started causing issues for my son & subsequently total turmoil for the whole family. It seemed my family was falling apart & that would spiral me into the deepest, darkest pit of depression, anxiety & suicidal thoughts to the extent that I hit an absolute "rock bottom" & had a complete breakdown in July 2017.


I was fortunate to find a very compassionate doctor who focuses on the wholistic approach to recovery & spent the next year on anti a very mild depressant just to take the edge of the extreme highs & lows I was experiencing. I also started with weekly, then bi-weekly & then monthly visits to the doctor for check-ups & to talk me through the emotions.


One morning in October, I woke up to a WhattsApp message from my brother. For 30 years I had prayed for this relationship to be restored but I had finally given up. His first contact sent me spinning into a rage of anxiety. He had returned to the Lord 5 years prior & was reaching out to make amends & check if I was still serving God. I was afraid to trust or reconcile for fear that it wouldn’t last, but finally decided to tell him everything & where I was at. After I told him everything I had been dealing with & that I had given up on everything including life, he revealed the reason he messaged me was that I had appeared to him in a dream that night. I had stopped by his work & brought him a little girl, he knows personally, that had been molested & pleading him to please help her. There is no doubt in my mind that this was a divine intervention of God to pull me out of the pit. Stefan has been my constant support ever since & still messages me daily even if it’s just a quick hello.


During this time Pastor Steven Furtick’s sermon started popping up on your feed. At the time he was doing the "Triggered" series, along theme of triggers, issues with anxiety & where are the outbursts coming from. Instead of mind numbingly scrolling through Facebook, I found myself binge watching sermons. God was working on my heart & I started to develop an immense desire to worship again.


Suddenly Sean’s dad wanted to be involved in his life. Clive agreed he could come visit him at our home, but every time I saw him I was confronted by the anger of him wanting to abort this precious baby, but for the sake of mom & baby had to be nice & tolerate his visits. This was causing inner turmoil & by end of February 2018 the family turmoil had escalated to the extent that I totally snapped one night after the kids had a fight. I phoned my brother in such hysteria because I had totally lost it that he immediately planned a trip & came to visit for 2 weeks in April to help me through my crisis. I had gone from having a house filled with young adults that I had "adopted" as my own to an empty home with just hubby & our youngest. The loss was immense & strengthened my sense of worthlessness. To this day, I still miss all these extra children.

10 April 2018

Celebrating 21


Here we stand at the dawning of a new era in our lives. 21 years ago we were blessed with a bundle of joy. That precious bundle now all grown up & spreading his wings. I've planned this special send-off into adulthood for so many years and now that it has arrived, I'm feeling overwhelmed. It was supposed to be the most joyous & spectacular event he could have dreamed of but instead the last years have happened & it feels like I have lost my boy... 


If there's one thing I've realised lately is that in so many ways I have failed my boys over the years. My own lack of guidance & examples had left me ill equipped to prevent the scars of emotional neglect they too now carry. Hurt people, hurt people & I was hurting so bad I buried myself in work for the most important years of their lives. I loved them with every fibre of my being but emotionally I was unavailable. 


Hell I still don't know how to handle all this emotional stuff. That is time I will never get back & scars they will carry for a lifetime. I wish I could have a do-over. I would change so much but all that remains for me is to ask forgiveness & pray that they will heal in time. I pray that they will find love & happiness and be ok. May they always find their ways back home if ever they meed us...

23 June 2018

The Woman at the Well



God is good all the time.

Today I identified myself with the woman at the well.


Having lived with rejection & abandonment all my life, I have learnt to shut people out. Childhood emotional neglect as well as other traumas during my life have resulted in my lifelong struggle with anxiety & depression. This of course brought on feelings of shame, guilt & inadequacy which cause me to withdraw into myself & thus worsening the feelings of rejection & abandonment because people don't see the real broken me & I in turn think they don't care.


I still struggle to grasp the Lord's "father" heart & love for me because I didn't have a loving earthly father. I shy away from relationships because I've spent a lifetime doing for others & being who I thought the wanted me to be so they wouldn't leave (which they did anyway) rather than being who God created me to be.


Feelings I battle with daily include, inadequacy, insecurity, abandonment, guilt, shame, anxiety, lack of confidence & trust issues.


Even worse, I have also shut God out. He has just recently redeemed my life from the pit & I am still struggling to work through all the emotional traumas of my life. Even though I can praise & worship Him now & I listen to sermons on my morning walks, I still struggle with building a relationship because I find myself at a loss of words when needing to express what's in my heart. I know He knows my heart, but sometimes it feels that I don't even know my own.

There's an emptiness deep down in our gut that only God can fill through a healthy, thriving relationship with Christ himself.

17 October 2018

He Lifted me from the Pit



Loof die Heer met blye galme

O my siel daar's ryke stof.

Sal solank ek leef my psalmvrolik toewei aan Sy lof

en Hom wat Sy guns my bied,

altyd groot maak in my lied.

Bless the Lord, oh my soul & all that is within me less His holy Name.


2017&8 tried to take me out but God has redeemed my soul from the pit of anxiety & depression. I live to see another birthday & new opportunities to fulfill God's purpose for my pain. This is my year of reset, upgrade & transformation. For 48 years I've been stuck in my own pain & insecurities but 2019 will be my year of breakthrough & spiritual growth. I'm backed by a God who loved me so much that He gave His Son to die on the cross that I may live. Thank you Jesus for restoring the joy of my salvation & letting me wake up with a song on my heart again.

17 January 2019

I've Hated this Woman



I’ve hated this woman. I’ve not loved her at full capacity. I’ve fed her lies & told her she wasn’t good enough and have allowed others to tell her she wasn't good enough. I’ve allowed her to be broken. I've allowed others to treat her disrespectfully.


I’ve allowed her to run through brick walls & battle for others who won’t even stand for her. I couldn’t stop individuals from abandoning her, yet I’ve seen her get up and stand to be a light to the world & love others despite all. I have stood paralyzed by fear while she fought battles in her mind, heart and soul.


This woman has screwed up many times as daughter, sister, mum, or as a friend, because she doesn’t always say or do the "right things". She has a smart mouth, and she has secrets. She has scars... because she has a history.


Some people love this woman, some like her, and some people don't care for her at all.

She has done good in her life. She has done bad in her life. She goes days without makeup, or shaving her legs sometimes. She doesn’t get dressed up half the time. She is random and sometimes silly. She will not pretend to be someone she is not. She is who she is.

Every mistake, failure, trial, disappointment, success, joy, and achievement has made her the woman she is today.


You can love her or not. But if she loves you, she will do it with her whole heart, and she will make no apologies for the way she is.


🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉


This Woman is a WARRIOR.

She’s not perfect but God calls her WORTHY!

She’s UNSTOPPABLE.

Gracefully broken but beautifully standing.

She is loved.

She is life.

She is transformation.

She is Grace.

She is BRAVE!

❤❤❤❤❤❤


5 February 2019

He Sent His Word


Assignment from Chapter 2 of Healing the Soul of a Woman:

Draw and image to symbolize how God's Word is medicine to your soul. Look at the image often and remember to take your medicine.

14 February 2019

Daddy Issues

All our relationships are built upon the very foundational relationship we have with our father. A broken relationship with your father results in relationship issues. If the foundation of your house is broken it will affect everything you try to build on it. We live in a fallen world where generations of emotionally wounded adults have raised emotionally wounded children. Everyone has daddy issues because our fathers are human, imperfect & flawed. But God can set us free with a Father Fix. Emotional healing, restoration & recovery is available to all who will allow Him to do it for them.


WoW! I'm slowly beginning to understand my own reactions & why the enemy's attacks have been so fierce on my life. Feelings of rejection, abandonment, guilt, shame, worthlessness, never being good enough, anxiety, depression, anger, bitterness, resentment, insecurities fears, even those that have been buried so deep & not visible, that have haunted me since childhood, are being exposed as to where they're coming from & how they formed my reactions & behaviours through the years.


I have spent decades searching for God's purpose & calling for my life & wondering why He's not using me yet. I've even questioned His presence in my life. I thought He'd left me. Today I realise that the vision God gave me 30+ years ago cannot come to fruition until I have dealt with all the baggage of my past experiences. I need to find my strength & identity in Christ, break away from what I've been taught to believe about myself all these years and be transformed to become more Christ-like in my thoughts & actions so I can stand strong on the Word & not waiver when the storms hit. I need to study to show myself approved unto God, a workman that need not be ashamed. 2 Timothy 2:15


I thank God that He has redeemed my life from the pit & crowned me with loving kindness and tender mercy. Psalm 103:4 He reached down into my deepest darkest hours & has delivered free from the depression that has plagued me for most of my life but I also realise now that in order to remain free for good, I have to work at exposing & dealing with all the baggage that has caused it in the first place lest the pit drags me back in because of buried issues. After all, God didn't promise me a trouble-free life. In fact John 16:33 says in this world we WILL have tribulation but we can be of good cheer because Christ has overcome the world.


But God can set us free with a Father Fix. Emotional healing, restoration & recovery is available to all who will allow Him to do it for them. Even when your father & mother forsake you, He will adopt you. Psalm 27:10.


I must let God release/heal/deliver/bring a new level of intentionality & strength to my relationships. I must allow my mind, will & emotions to be healed where it comes to the relationship soul. If I'm broken I contaminate the big dream thing God may bring. If I'm hurting I'll destroy it. If I'm messed up, I will end up forfeiting the great thing God has for me.


The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the broken hearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, Luke 4:18 KJV God has assigned us to the mountain so that we can show others that it can be moved. We will overcome by the blood of the lamb & the word of our testimony. Revelation 12:11

We need to learn to wear the full armour of God daily.


Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;

Ephesians 6:10‭-‬18 KJV

14 February 2019

Seasons Change



As I'm standing at the edge of yet another new chapter in my life, I'm so grateful that the grace of God is greater than all of my messes. I've spent most of my life in bondage to the invisible prison of my mind, believing all the lies of guilt, shame & worthlessness that people, experiences & society have taught me throughout my life.


I have since learnt that I cannot change how people treat me, but I can choose to allow God to help me not to take offence but instead see the pain that causes them to do so, because hurting people hurt people. No matter how well we hide it, the brokenness inside has a way of spilling out onto others in anger & frustration, causing us to lash out & hurt others. Last year I hit rock bottom but God has graciously reached down to lift me from the pit of depression & brought me into His marvellous light.


After all these years, I'm finally coming out of the wilderness & gearing up to move into His purpose for my life. One that up to now I've felt so overwhelmingly inadequate & unworthy of but now trust that God's power will be revealed through my weaknesses. I'm thankful that God uses broken people & pray that He will use this broken vessel to bring the love & healing I've received to those connected to me.

So often we think He has left us. He is always there, and much like an umbrella we'll get wet if we step out from under it's covering. God is BIGGER than all our messes & nothing is beyond His healing power if only we would reach out to Him.

Someone else's miracle may be on the other side of my obedience to God's calling.

19 March 2019

Made to Worship



3 years ago I joined chorus, suffering with severe depression & anxiety and I was nearing my breaking point. Singing has always been the 1 thing in my life that I was passionate about, but the first that was attacked in order to ultimately destroy my Even though I'm so grateful for Chorus that's helped me grow my confidence during the last 3 years so I can finally step out to reach for my lifelong dream.


I started singing in the Northcross Church Choir on Mondays in August 2018 & have joined the Life NZ Creative Team which includes worship lead, choir, dance, drama, graphic design & more. I will also be getting involved in life groups & community activities.


Having recently ben delivered from a lifetime of struggling with anxiety & depression, I'm excited to be able to finally become part of a church where people are our priority. As God's hands & feet we can bring delivery & healing to the nations.

27 March 2019

I Choose Forgiveness



A pure heart is like pure gold—soft, tender, and pliable. Hebrews 3:13 states that hearts are hardened through the deceitfulness of sin! If we do not deal with an offense, it will produce more fruit of sin, such as bitterness, anger, and resentment. This added substance hardens our hearts just as alloys harden gold.


I will not be held prisoner by the enemy through my own unwillingness to rid my heart of anger and unforgiveness and by spewing out bitter waters rather than pure.


Holy Spirit, keep me from hurt, deceit, and distortion because of darkened understanding and wrong conclusions about the intent of others to wrong me. Reveal my heart’s true condition, and do not allow hidden offense to clothe me with pride.

11 April 2019

Bittersweet Endings



What a bittersweet end to my day today. I had my last chorus rehearsal with these awesome ladies from Greater Auckland Chorus.


I joined 3 years ago as a distraction to my lifelong struggle with depression & anxiety. The weekly 3 hours singing sessions have been my lifeline through some of the toughest years of my life. The sisterhood & support was invaluable & will be sorely missed.


Last year I hit rock bottom of despair & hopelessness. My world fell apart but 3 months ago God delivered me from the pit of depression and the next couple of Tuesdays will be filled with a Healing Course at church. I'm walking through a process of healing & restoration. It's great to be free, have my joy restored, sleep well at night & wake up with a song on my heart every morning. It's finally time to move on.


Next month I'll join the LifeNZ North Campus Creative team where I trust I'll find my fit (worship lead / dance / drama / choir / whatever else is available) in pursuing God's purpose for my life.


At Chorus the vocal training was phenomenal & I learnt I was good enough after all. I now have a new found confidence in my own abilities so bring on that audition I know I CAN do it! It's time to dust off my dreams, unite my joy for singing with my passion for worship & kick some enemy butt. I'm blessed to be a blessing & can't wait to see what God will do through me.


🎼Take My healing to the nations, bind their broken hearts with love🎶🎵


Thanks so much for everything Jocosa & team, you rock.😘

16 April 2019

The Performance Struggle

All to often we've been raised to think that we're not enough. Who hasn't heard the phrase "you can do better than that" from a parent or teacher in their lifetime? When last has someone acknowledged & celebrated you for who you are & accepted you just as you are?


From the day we're born society & mainstream media bombard us with messages of our imperfections, comparing us with others that are thinner, prettier, better than you. This sets unattainable goals to strive for which ultimately breaks down our confidence & sets us up for failure resulting in mental health issues drives us into the pit of despair because we spend our lives trying to be what we perceive people expect us to be in order to avoid rejection rather than just being our unique selves that God has created us to be.


Performance is in itself hard work & keeping it up is draining even more so in our world of mounting pressures, but true freedom comes from being accepted & loved in spite of our all flaws.


God loved us while we were still sinners. We are enough.

18 April 2019

Farewell Greater Auckland Chorus



And on this high note I'm closing another chapter of my life & bid farewell to all the wonderful ladies at Greater Auckland Chorus who have been my sisterhood for the last 3 years.


I don't believe in coincidence but God in His divine wisdom has brought me here to heal, learn, grow & prepare for His purpose to be fulfilled in my life. I had given up on a lifelong dream due to feelings of worthlessness but they have helped me realise & prove to myself that I'm good enough after all.


Thank you for supporting me through my worst & helping me restore my confidence. It's been an honour & absolute pleasure singing with you. You rock!!!


🎼I'll be home for Christmas, you can count on me🎶🎵

23 April 2019

Deliverance



In August 2018 I did a search for Christian choirs & found one at Northcross Church that didn't require me to be a member of the church because I had absolutely no intention to go to church because of previous hurt that prevented me from going to church for 11 years. All I needed, or so I thought was corporate worship. During our first Sunday morning performance in church, God was speaking & I felt myself drawn to find a church to call home & be planted in. In November my osteopath suggested I try Life, & finally, in January 2019 I walked into the doors at the North Campus & was met with an overwhelming feeling of being "home". That morning I re-dedicated my life to God & He put me on a path of recovery. I still spent a lot of time listening to online sermons and during the prayer of one of Sarah Jakes Roberts' sermons I felt the weight of depression being lifted off my chest.


Even though deliverance was instant, remaining free & walking in victory over depression has been a daily process of spending time with God to renew my mind according to His Word. I spend a lot of time Bible journaling to keep the enemies lies under control. I have believed these lies for so long that it takes a daily effort to choose which voice I will be listening to. Changing my inner narrative has been my daily challenge but I am grateful that when I am weak, He proves His strength through me. I still fight off the natural reflex of self-isolation & often have to boot myself out the door for creative team & church. But without those activities I feel lost & defenceless. The enemy’s attacks never stop, but now I know that when I’m at my weakest, God carries me.


I had spent most of my life struggling on & off with high functioning depression & anxiety due to complex PTSD caused by all these traumas. All my life I identified with guilt, shame & worthlessness well hidden behind fake smiles, workaholism, busyness & servanthood. I was convinced I was unlovable, worthless, after all my own brother had ignored me for 30 years & my mom & sister only knew my number when they wanted something. My need for love & acceptance drove me to do anything I could to be accepted & appreciated. My inability to set healthy boundaries left me vulnerable to exploitation by those who knew me only for what they could get from me. I would give until it hurt & seldom received anything back, which of course confirmed the lies I had come to believe about myself. I had sacrificed myself & everything I was meant to be on the altar of my need for acceptance instead of receiving & accepting my validation from the One who had created me.


There are still many areas in my life where I need God's intervention to change the fruit of my sinful responses, but I am becoming more aware every day that God doesn't love me for what I do but for who I am & that I'm not condemned when I mess up. His grace is sufficient & He doesn't expect me to change to be accepted but He loves me too much to leave me the way I am & is constantly showing me areas where healing & restoration is required. He is walking with me through this furnace to burn off everything that is not of Him.


I now call Life North home. It brings me great joy to sing in the choir, serve on the welcome team, attend weekly prayer meetings, serve in our Henderson Community Kitchen & last but not least host a small Creative Connect Group at my home on Friday mornings.

14 June 2019

6 Months of Overcoming



Last year around this time Pastor Steven Furtick's sermons started popping up in my Facebook feed after I hit rock bottom in my life long struggle with depression & anxiety. It some stage I was binge watching sermons because it felt like God was speaking right at me with every sermon.


He reached down into my pit of depression & suicidal thoughts & lifted me out. Today I've been depression free for 5 months. I have just completed the Cleansing stream & had generational soul ties, orphaned spirit, victimhood, bondages & other curses broken. I'm free at last & for the first time in my life I know that I know that He was there all along in those moments I felt lost & abandoned.


The last 49 years have been preparation. Now I'm am all fired up to take His healing to the nations, bind their broken hearts with love & set the captives free.

21 June 2019

Keep Calm, I Passed my Audition



Praise the Lord!!! I think I have finally overcome my audition anxiety.


This one's taken a while after losing my voice when I was supposed to audition at the end of May & it was gone for about weeks. Obviously God wasn't finished with me yet & I needed to complete the Cleansing Stream to break the strongholds that have been on my life all these years.


I will start out with events choir until they manage to get enough people for the Life North Campus. I might even consider joining the Life Central choir for their monthly practice. It will take some time, training & confidence building to eventually make it into the Sunday worship team.


Did I mention that "King of My Heart" by Bethel Music was the most challenging song I've ever had to learn, not because of the difficulty but the enemy attacks? I have never in my life struggled so much memorising song lyrics & tune. This was also my first attempt at singing to a backing track. I tend to feel a little unsure when I'm singing all alone.


This is me finally stepping into that vision the Lord gave me back in 1988 but life had taught me to believe I wasn't good enough. Now I've proved to myself that those were all lies to stop me from reaching my potential & walking in God's purpose for my life. Wish me luck as I take my first step trusting God who began the good work in me to complete it.


Let the King of my heart

Be the mountain where I run

The fountain I drink from

Oh, He is my song

Let the King of my heart

Be the shadow where I hide

The ransom for my life

Oh, He is my song

'Cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

And let the King of my heart

Be the wind inside my sails

The anchor in the waves

Oh oh, He is my song

Let the King of my heart

Be the fire inside my veins

The echo of my days

Oh oh, He is my song

Let the King of my heart

Be the wind inside my sails

The anchor in the waves

Oh oh, He is my song

Let the King of my heart

Be the fire inside my veins

The echo of my days

Oh, He is my song

'Cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

And You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

Oh 'cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

'Cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

'Cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

'Cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

3 July 2019

Identity Statement




And with these Identity Statements (created in Photoshop) my friend & I finished off our "Healing the Soul of a Woman" book study by Joyce Meyer Ministries.


One of the biggest challenges in my life has been my lack of knowledge of my identity in Christ bringing with it a lack of self-confidence, feelings of inadequacy & fear of rejection. These statements are meant to help me transform my mind when I think of myself in any way other than what God's Word says about me.


God has done some wondrous healing in our lives through this study. I must admit having an accountability partner was good because at times the questions were tough & would have been tempting to give up again if I did it alone like I did last year after chapter 1. Next term we start Father-heart of God by Floyd McClung.

18 July 2019

I'm 1 in 4, 4 times.



As a matter of fact many doctors today don't even consider you pregnant unless you've reached 12 weeks. And yes, it's holding in the pain & anguish that eventually leads to depression that can ultimately destroy you. All 4 of mine were within the first 12 weeks. Only the 1st others knew about & the lack of support I received & people's invalidation of my pain, guilt & shame (yes, you do feel guilty & ashamed) caused me not to mention the others until many, many years later, but it's been a burden so heavy to bear alone & was part of the reason I eventually found myself in a pit of depression so deep that I no longer wanted to live.


Talking about it brings it out in the open & removes the enemy's power to use it in accusations against you. The truth sets us free to overcome.


However there is hope in Christ. He reached down into the pit to lift me out & give me a new life & renewed hope & can do the same for you. Today I pray for everyone walking on this path for healing & restoration in this area. I feel your pain & it wasn't your fault. Bring it to Him & allow Him to turn it into a testimony of His goodness & mercy. Call on Him & He will answer.

21 July 2019

Truck = 1 / Toyota = 0 characterised 😜



Sometimes in life things happen that make you wonder how anything good can come from situations you may find yourself in. Then we reflect & realise how God's protected us through it all & that His grace is sufficient for us to deal with every card we're dealt if we would just learn to trust Him through it all. Instead of focusing on the challenges we need to change our perspective & see the opportunities for God's miracle working power to be revealed.


Getting hit by a truck backing out of a driveway wasn't part of my planning when I left the church prayer meeting this morning but praise God except for my car & ego, no one was injured.

I'm thinking the enemy didn't want our Fatherheart of God book study at 10am to happen because it's digging deep & dealing with some more buried issues I'd thought I'd dealt with. This was the 2nd week in a row I wasn't able to go but the other ladies decided not to continue without me.


Now this to me is a classic illustration of the blessing of both.

Truck = 1 / Toyota = 0 characterised 😜

6 August 2019

The Father Loves You



Much of the hurts we experience in relating to ourselves and others stem from our poor understanding of a father. Adam failed to demonstrate Father God's love to his children & for generations we have done the same. All of the best that an earthly father could ever offer to his children originated in God. Everything changes when we instil God's love into our families because it's the missing ingredient for the success of a family. In order to function well in relationships we need to understand God's Father-heart.


God's passionate love focuses on family. His nature & essence is love & He wants us to experience that love. The passion of Christ was to introduce us to the Father & connect us with His love. Everything we desire in terms of loving relationships is found in Him.

14 August 2019

Discovering Identity & Purpose



Still on the subject of discovering my identity & God-given purpose... This is the Scripture I received at prayer meeting this morning. God knew me before I was even born.


He sanctifies & ordains us. He sends us forth to expand His Kingdom & doesn't expect us to be qualified. because He equips us for the task. He gives us the right words to speak & shows us the way.


Thank you, Lord that we don't have to depend on our own abilities & qualifications to do that which You have sent us to do.

3 September 2019

I Can Paint!



I don't know where my immense fear of painting came from.


That voice in my head just kept telling me I can't do it because I'm just not good enough.

It became so loud over the years that I've never wanted to try for fear of failure.


I joined an art group recently with a lovely Korean lady leading it at a local church & due to her encouragement I finally got myself some paint.


This is my first ever watercolour painting since primary school on plain A4 paper (because I was afraid to do it in my Bible or journal) that I did at art group today.


"See you can!" was her first response hence I added "I can!" at the bottom.


I may just frame this for my studio as a future reminder that if ever I find myself doubting my abilities again.

4 September 2019

Major Trigger

So, I'm not usually one to post much on social media, but I'm feeling especially heartbroken about the situation back home. I may not be in the country anymore, but i see all the heartbreak and the pain. It makes me so angry to see how bad this situation is that people find themselves in.


I've been watching people's stories and posts, keeping up with the news. I see all the women who are considering leaving the country of their birth, their homes, for fear of what may happen to them and those they love. What happened to Uyinene Mrwetyana was terrible. What happens to women on a daily basis, that people have ignored and accepted for this long is a nightmare.


I'm so proud of all the people who are taking a stand, who are bringing these issues to light. Those who are fighting, campaigning, and speaking out. I pray for the safety of my friends and family, and for all women living in this environment.


Through all the pain, suffering, and negativity there is so much coming together. There is true beauty in the strength that people are showing. Fear is no longer enough to hold you back. Women should never be the target, and I'm glad to see so many men taking the responsibility to lead this charge amongst those who would fight to prevent themselves from becoming just another victim.


I am proudly South African, and I hope that the people of my homeland can keep holding onto what makes them a beautiful people. Stay strong, and keep fighting. Make the country beautiful, and a place where all can feel safe and accepted as they are meant to be. I hold onto hope.


#StrongerTogether

~Ascher 'AJPanda' Snyman


I couldn't have expressed my thoughts better myself. Thanks for sharing Suzy.😘


Seeing all these incidents on my feed have been a major anxiety trigger for me & for the first time in 7 months the tightness on my chest was back. A very unwelcome reminder of my own experiences as a teen followed by years of guilt, shame, anxieties & depression. Yesterday I wanted to go sit in a corner where it would be so easy to fall back into depression & cry my heart out but today I'm grateful that God loves us enough to forgive our wrong choices & is able to restore us. Thankfully 2 hours worth of choir practice has helped ease off the weight. Obviously God isn't finished with me yet & though this may be a setback, I will rise up stronger & bolder once He's done with me.


I for one will no longer be silenced by guilt & shame but instead rise up & share my testimony of how God is able to pull us out of the pit, heal & restore us if only we'd humble ourselves & pray.


My heart aches for the nations of this world, all products of a fallen society that have turned away from God, following their own lustful choices & leaving hurt & destruction wherever they go.


My thoughts & prayers are with all affected by such hideous crimes.

5 September 2019

He Sent His Word & Healed Me


This month, 3 years ago I went cold turkey on my anti-depressants, because I ran out a week ahead of my scheduled appointment with my doctor. This is  something we’re told we should never do, but God helped me through the mild withdrawal symptoms & 4 months later, He miraculously lifted the spirit of heaviness that had plagued me all my life…

9 September 2019

God's Workmanship



Mixed media. Started colouring this one in my creative connect group this morning & finished it at a local church art group this afternoon. Watercolour painting number 3 since facing my immense fear of painting head-on last week.

11 September 2019

Step Out of the Boat


Lockdown had triggered me back into my lifelong struggle with rejection & abandonment but God overwhelmingly started speaking to me about stepping out into my purpose. A message that really struck home during this time was that there were 12 disciples in the boat when Jesus said: "Come", not mentioning any one. Only 1 believed enough to step out...


Matthew 14:29

So He said, "Come." And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. 30But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, "Lord, save me!"

26 February 2020

Purposse



As I prepared for tonight's connect group launch, I was reminded of this Scripture & God's purpose for my life.


“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me, Because the Lord has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the broken-hearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord , And the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the Lord , that He may be glorified.” And they shall rebuild the old ruins, They shall raise up the former desolations, And they shall repair the ruined cities, The desolations of many generations.


Isaiah 61:1‭-‬4 NKJV

As Christ followers, the same Spirit that raised Him from the dead is also on us.

For decades I've felt called to take His healing to the nations but always felt so ill-equipped. And of course my disobedience due to fear brought its share of guilt & shame to add to what I was already feeling.


Last week I signed up for the 3 days Navigating the Times and Season Healing Trauma Webinar this week to help me with the Cleansing Stream prayer ministry I'd signed up for earlier this year. Little did I know then that what I thought was meant for equipping, God would use to dig deep & start addressing some of the deepest traumas in my own life. I am comforted to know that God will use everything I've been through for good & my ministry lies in those areas where I have been so brutally broken & restored.

Stepping out of the boat is a little nerve-wrecking but I've got this, or rather God's got me. After all He has already given me everything I need for life & Godliness & He will put His words in my mouth. The same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead lives in me to lead me & guide me in everything He has sent me to do.

1 May 2020

My Words have Value


During my coaching with Vicky last week the first of my limiting beliefs: "What I say is not important enough for me to speak up" was exposed.


My homework assignment was to create an affirmation statement to replace this belief with: "What I say has value".


This week I'm learning to get used to hearing my own voice after all, faith comes by hearing.

22 May 2020

Exchanging the Anvil of LIES for a CROWN


When we're traumatised & wounded as little children, we start to believe the lies that we perceive from our experiences & surroundings. We learn what we LIVE & loose our identity in God to that which the world has forced upon us. During prayer ministry the Holy Spirit addressed some of the foundational lies that have weighed me down all of my life.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

2 Corinthians 5:17

  • Feisty

  • Strong spirit

  • Fighter

  • Warrior

Spirit of death wrapped around in the womb.

Jesus makes everything new!

"I see a little girl with an anvil above her head" A huge weight of LIES

Trauma of verbal abuse.

GOD'S TRUTH:

  • I have chosen you

  • I love you

  • You are worthy

  • Your are valuable

  • You are good enough

  • I will do what I have      promised.

  • Daughter of the King

"I see Jesus giving that little girl a crown. It's quite big crown. It's quite a weighty crown. It's real. It's gold but it's not too heavy for the little girl. It's not a burden for her to carry"

3 June 2020

Woman of Excellence


So many of my struggles have been over striving to become what I already am because Mama & Papa failed to represent Him well & draw me forward...


These are some truths that were revealed during my prayem ministry with Sandra.


GOD'S TRUTH:

  • I have chosen you

  • I love you

  • You are worthy

  • Your are valuable

  • You are good enough

  • I will do what I have promised.


Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

Proverbs 31:10 KJV


An excellent woman [one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous], who is he who can find her? Her value is more precious than jewels and her worth is far above rubies or pearls.

Proverbs 31:10 AMP


A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

Proverbs 31:10 NIV


EXCELLENT in the Hebrew means:

  • Might / mighty

  • Strength / strong

  • Power / powerful

  • Ability / able

  • Virtue / virtuous

  • Valour / courageous

  • Riches / wealthy


God has made you a little girl / woman of substance & wealth.

Instead of "this is who I am" vows become this is who I have to be/do

In order to survive you had to go against who you were.


That's who God created me to be but all these qualities got twisted through my sinful responses to neglect & wounding, although most of these have been straightened out.

3 June 2020

God is Giving you your ROAR back


During lockdown last year I had to deal with my lack of courage to step out & speak up as well faulty belief that my voice has no value. 2 unrelated people assisted  Interestingly the 1st person had me draw a lion to symbolise being bold. Sadly my first attempt at drawing Simba turned out to be Scar so I was determined to try gin later. Then I received the word that God was giving me my roar back during prayer ministry with Sandra.


Proverbs 28:1

"The wicked flee though no one pursues,

but the righteous are as bold as a lion."

4 June 2020

Jesus is the Master Carpenter


 From the moment of conception parents pour into the "treasure chest" of who we are:

  • Love, gentleness, compassion

  • Truth... Even before we can cognitively understand
    Important truths of who we are & also truths of who God is, are instilled by the nurture of caring parents.
     

Parents call us forth into life, & help us learn to walk in our destiny & purpose. If we choose to open our hearts & take it in:

  • We are empowered to receive love

  • Parents are building storage shelves / places to receive love, compliments etc.

  • Our capacity to love others is enlarged

  •  I was created to love & be loved

  • We begin to fulfil the very purpose for which we were created... To receive love & give it away

  • We need to receive the gift of honour from people.

  • Whatever we missed as babies He can rebuild.

  • Fathers help children discover up to 80% of their identity.

  • Fathers call us forward & speak into us.

During 1 of my 3 hour prayer ministry sessions with Sandra, I received this word of knowledge:


Everyone has a shelf to receive love, affirmations, compliments etc. but your shelf is ful of holes  & no shelf at all. There is no shelf in you to receive affirmations, praise & compliments.


Jesus is a carpenter & is able to take out he shelf & build you a new one. He will heal the wounds & the holes from the lack of love, validation & encouragement.


Revelation 21:5

Behold I make all things new.

4 June 2020

Word of Knowledge


Recently a word of knowledge, although intended as an encouragement, unleashed all power of darkness in a battle for my mind. 


All hell broke loose in my spirit followed by nightmares, angst & an intense spirit of heaviness on my chest. I felt really intimidated for days until I finally reached out for support. Thankfully, God has surrounded me with community who has my back & prays with me when I don't know how to pray for myself. Peeling off the layers is a slow & sometimes painful process & yes it does provoke the enemy to attack in an attempt to prevent you from getting your breakthrough. Just keep at it & don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Yes, I'm talking to MYSELF too, asking for help has been of my biggest challenges. Some of my most recently renounced inner vows were "I will not ask for help; I have to take care of myself; I have to protect myself" because of my bitter root expectation that nobody cares anyway. We are stronger together, hence his constant efforts to keep us disconnected. UNITED we STAND, but divided we will fall.

10Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. 11Put on the whole armour of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13Therefore take up the whole armour of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.


Jesus never promised us that we would not have trouble, in fact, He said that in this world we WILL HAVE TROUBLE but take heart, He has OVERCOME the world.  (John 16:33)


Putting on the armour of God is something all of us should be doing every morning because we do not wrestle against flesh & blood. Be sober & vigilant because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. As soon as we step out into our purpose we become a threat to his evil schemes & he will stop at nothing to take us out. 

Putting it down on paper has not been easy. I tried a couple of times unsuccessfully until I re-discovered a painting program on my tablet the other day. Painted the background digitally. The texts were created in WordCloud & I used Affinity Publisher to combine it all. 


My breakthrough 

3 August 2020

My Purpose & Calling



I discovered some truths about me according to Isaiah 61 & 62 this morning.

I will:

  • Rebuild ancient ruins.

  • Restore former desolations.

  • Renew ruined cities.

  • Be known as the Lord’s priests & ministers of our God.

  • Receive DOUBLE portion in place of shame.

  • REJOICE in place of disgrace.

  • Have eternal Joy.

  • Be clothed with garments of salvation.

  • Be wrapped in the robes of righteousness.

  • Nations will see your righteousness & kings your glory.

  • God will give you a NEW NAME.

  • You will be a GLORIOUS CROWN & a ROYAL DIADEM in the Hand of God.

  • No longer called desolate & deserted.

  • The lord DELIGHTS in you & REJOICES over you.

  • You will be called SOUGHT OUT 7 not forsaken.

20 October 2020

Me as a Tree


I've only been painting for 6 months mostly watercolour & was told to paint myself as a tree at my counselling session earlier this week, so here goes my first attempt... I must admit I didn't enjoy doing acrylics on canvas as much because the paint just dries so fast it was hard to get everything covered on time.


Good solid tree right there! Not easily blown about by whichever wind is blowing.

Full of lush growth and strong supporting branches.


Practice makes progress...


When I had prayer ministry with Sandra, the discussion around this tree came up. She said:

  • A plant will only grow as big as the container you put it in.

  • What was received from mom was so little that heart roots weren't able to grow deeply on a soul level.

  • Spirit was able to get past the barriers but the soul is struggling.

  • When a plant is root bound the water doesn't get through for nourishment properly.

  • The narrowing in the stem indicates the constriction of the soul as a child.

  • Lacking soul development.

  • Jesus designed the branch & the trinity.

  • Roots are good & strong.

  • Tree is healthy.

  • Lack of fruit. Not doing what I was called to thus not bearing fruit.

For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters,

Which spreads out its roots by the river,

And will not fear when heat comes;

But its leaf will be green,

And will not be anxious in the year of drought,

Nor will cease from yielding fruit.

Jeremiah 17:8

  • There is a season between the      flowers & the fruit. Pre-fruit season.

  • Good fruit

  • Seeking prayer ministry

  • Being able to repent

  • Being close to God

  • Performance if we're not      doing we don't have tangible results.

  • Jesus didn't have much      visible fruit in the first 33 years but when the time was right it all      came.

  • when the time is ripe the      fruit will show


26 January 2021

Loved, Chosen & Free Seminar

In May 21 I attended the Loved, Chosen & Free Seminar, a 1-day healing shame seminar. The first session was working through a worksheet of shame strongholds & ticking never/seldom/painfully so & of the 36 items listed, I shamefully admit almost all were "Painfully So".  After the lesson, I found myself up front with Sandra for a live prayer demo to dismantle the foundational lie I had come to believe that "I am a mistake". During the demo Sandra asked if Trixi was my real name upon which I had to own up to Patrizia. During lunch a lady came up to me saying Trixi, you need to claim your name back do you know what it means? I replied that I didn't & very excitedly she reported it means "of noble birth" & that Trixi means "bringer of joy". As I mentioned in my previous testimony, the attack on my identity started in the womb & not owning my name & it’s meaning was just part of that.

30 May 2021

Wrapped in God's Love


My lifelong struggle has been feeling rejected, abandoned, unloved & not belonging here. During healing prayer ministry session at healing prayer training, the Holy Spirit took me back into the womb & dealt with the root of those feelings. This was a confirmation received by means of a vision one of the intercessors had.means of a vision one of the intercessors had.


Jeremiah 31:3

The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with loving kindness have I drawn thee.

13 July 2021

God Held Me First


I received prayer ministry during healing prayer ministry training recently. This painting is based on a word received as confirmation that I am welcome in this world. God was there at birth, held me first & covered me with love.


Romans 8:14-17

14For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God. 15For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. 16The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: 17and if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.

13 July 2021

Wrapped in God's Protection


I received an email from the lady who interceded whilst I was receiving prayer after intercessor training because I had been severely triggered by the lesson. 


"I had an image come to me of a ‘cloud’ of cotton wool being wrapped around you, and felt the Lord was saying He is wrapping you in cotton wool. 

 

There is a saying that an ‘over-protective parent wraps their child in cotton wool’ and is often considered a negative thing, but in this case it was definitely a positive thing.

 

Your Heavenly Father, like an over-protective parent is wrapping you, his beloved child, with His protection. Except that God is ‘perfectly-protective’!  


Be encouraged to know your Father loves you, and loves to protect you. May you relax into His loving arms, find rest in His wrap-around embrace, and be at peace as He holds you close."


Isaiah 61:10 I greatly rejoice in the Lord, I exult in my God; for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation and wrapped me in a robe of righteousness, as a groom wears a turban and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.


My first attempt in my journal was rather disappointing so I tried again this time using my tablet & Infinite Painter app.

3 August 2021

Elijah House A-School


In July 2021, A-School taught me that when we are wounded, we come to expect people will hurt us again & can't be trusted. We make judgements about people & subsequently inner vows to protect our hearts from being wounded in a similar way again. When we judge others, we doom ourselves to do the same thing. We harden our hearts & shut others out. This sets up for a cycle of reaping from the seeds we've sown.


Often we reap the judgement & consequences of dishonouring parents. I learnt that when we dishonour our parents by judging them for hurting/neglecting us, we will become like what we judged & that marriage & children create the perfect environment for these seeds to germinate & grow. As a little girl, I had hardened my heart & shut people out because keeping them at a distance makes rejection & abandonment les painful, or so I thought. When I became cold, distant & emotionally unavailable to name just a few aspects where my bitter root judgements, expectations & inner vows I had made even before birth had set me up for some serious reaping.  Every single lesson had moments of realisation when I would think "oh dear, that's me, I became what I judged & did that to my family..." but also how God has healed & restored the areas I’ve brought to effective death at the cross.


I discovered I am performance orientated & constantly keep falling back into striving to earn love by performing. We often live unaware that motives other than God’s love have begun to corrupt our serving through striving, tension & fear. I also learnt that we see God through our trauma-tainted glasses & relate to Him according to our judgements, expectations & inner vows. As a tiny girl, my basic trust had been shattered still find myself wondering “Can I really trust Him?”

10 August 2021

Heart of Stone



Ezekiel 11:19 KJV

And I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within you; and I will take the stony heart out of their flesh, and will give them an heart of flesh:



Well over 3 decades ago I received this scripture as part of a prophesy by an American preacher who was visiting our church. At the time I thought it was related to the promise included in his prophesy that God would restore my family & He would turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers Malachi 4:6 KJV


However, recently I realised that word was for me... I have a heart of stone resulting from decades of self protection...


By the time I was 6, we had already moved at least 4 times & when we migrated to South Africa I lost everyone I knew. Many more moves & being the "new kid" in class for 12 different schools followed. With only snail mail available back then all connections were lost so I decided not to make friends, because friendships don't last. I built walls around my heart, hardened my heart, disconnected & shut people out.


The heart of stone is formed as a protection & is by nature private. Healing it cannot be done alone. It needs to be resurrected. It is not melted by authority, but rather by the love of Jesus. We must be ambassadors of that love. We cannot heal the heart of stone by ourselves. We need people to journey with us. The heart of stone must be loved back to life by God THROUGH His people. It must be healed corporately, by the Body of Christ. The process of healing is apt to be slow/progressive, like peeling an onion.


People help bring hearts to life.

  • Appropriate & intentional touching & hugging is required.

  • Loving prayers spoken to reach the heart of the inner child.

  • Truthful friends

  • Practice confession of sins & weaknesses.

  • Help build loving support through family, church & small groups.

  • Honour the heart.

  • Put in new ways of protection.

  • Guarding your heart in the RIGHT way is turning to God.

And herein now lies my purpose: being an ambassador for Christ & loving people back to life.

31 August 2021

Downcast


"This is how I felt after the reality of this morning's announcement hit home. Medical apartheid is officially being rung in by our authorities. My heart aches for the injustices millions are suffering at the hands of our ""single source of truth"" authorities tyrannical measures to force an experimental 💉 on the whole nation. I stand for God-given freedom of CHOICE. We're effectively being held hostage until 90% 💉 is reached😡🤯💔


BUT God... nothing can separate me from His love."

Psalm 42:5 "Why art thou cast down, O my soul?

And why art thou disquieted in me?

Hope thou in God:

For I shall yet praise him For the help of his countenance."

24 October 2021

Remember How Far You've Come



A quick digital painting based on a vision received from a prayer partner on on of our Tuesday morning prayer meetings a couple of months ago. When life seems uphill & you're wondering how much further you can go, look back & see how far you've already come.

11 November 2021

Skydiver


After messaging an intercessor friend over my massive heart-break with the church we called home, implementing CV passports & thus condoning exclusion, discrimination, apartheid & segregation, she set me up with a Healing rooms prayer meeting via zoom.


The session started with each of the intercessors sharing a word of wisdom they had received during prayer before I entered the room. 


This was the 3nd intercessor's vision:

I see a  skydiver jumping out of an airplane, speaks to me of this person  needing to take a leap of faith, trusting in the Lord.


2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

4 December 2021

What the enemy meant for evil God is using for good...


After messaging an intercessor friend over my massive heart-break with the church we called home, implementing CV passports & thus condoning exclusion, discrimination, apartheid & segregation, she set me up with a Healing rooms prayer meeting via zoom.


The session started with each of the intercessors sharing a word of wisdom they had received during prayer before I entered the room. 


This was the 1st vision


Heaviness, some physical problem manifested in the spiritual realm that is holding on to something, anger or unforgiveness. Spring water is pouring out onto this person spiritual cleansing that will bring healing and joy.


What the enemy meant for evil God is using for good...


In Nehemiah 13, we read of Nehemiah’s final reforms. They read from the ‘Book of Moses’ (v.1) how ‘Our God… turned the curse into a blessing’ (v.2). This is the pattern throughout the Bible. ‘In all things God works for the good of those who love him’ (Romans 8:28). What you are facing in your life right now may seem like a curse – a health issue, a battle in a relationship, a difficult boss, or whatever. It may seem like a curse but God can turn the curse into a blessing.

4 December 2021

Stuck CD Player


After messaging an intercessor friend over my massive heart-break with the church we called home, implementing CV passports & thus condoning exclusion, discrimination, apartheid & segregation, she set me up with a Healing rooms prayer meeting via zoom.


The session started with each of the intercessors sharing a word of wisdom they had received during prayer before I entered the room. 


This was the 2nd intercessor's vision:

I see a very old style CD Player, stuck in a groove, it keeps repeating. Then I see Jesus saying: "give it to me and I'll give you a new CD."


You've been hearing & listening to the same old lies over & over. It's time to bring those lies to Jesus so He can replace them with God's Truth.


With the manipulation, coercion & blackmail  for 💉 I was triggered back into the trauma & shame of the generational curse from the holocaust based on my birth in Germa