“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you;
Before you were born I sanctified you;
I ordained you a prophet to the nations.”
Jeremiah 1:5
Patrizia Schwartz, also known as Trixi, was born in Germany, raised in South Africa from age 5. I migrated to New Zealand with my husband, Clive, & our 2 boys, Jesse (26) & Misha (22) in July 2014.
Over the years, I've dabbled with various creative ventures which include sewing, knitting, crocheting, embroidery & cross-stitch embroidery, choir, dance & drama. I rediscovered my creative abilities in September 2017 & it has been instrumental in my healing journey. I tried my hand at painting in September 2019 & started my studio, Trixi's Creations with a focus on Healing heARTs shortly after. I'm a mixed-media artist who works in pencil and coloured pencils, watercolours, acrylics, pastels and digital scrapbooking.
For most of my life I've believed that LIE that I'm a Jack of all trades, master of NONE. However, God's Truth is that He created me that way so I can reach more people. I'm a "Jack of all trades, master of DIVERSITY."
Strong, gentle, fierce, tenacious and compassionate, I create whimsical pieces that spread the message that God loves you, is there for you, and you’re never alone. As a faith-filled, life-speaking, fully devoted follower of Christ, my desire is to touch people’s hearts with the love of God & bring healing to the nations through creativity. My number 1 passion & purpose is to change the world🌏 1 💔 heart at a time.
Prior to becoming a stay-at-home & homeschool mom almost 20 years ago, I held various roles in the corporate sector, the last of which was a half-day job in which I served as an Office & Systems Administrator, prior to that Personal Assistant, Secretary, Receptionist & Administrative Assistant.
Me
ABOUT
Please Hear what I'm NOT Saying
23 August 2024
Today started on a very high note for me, but ended in a tearful & very difficult day. At the Market Makers meeting, something snapped in my heart, when Pastor Jo closed the service just before Pastor Greg came up from behind & asked if I had been prayed for. I'm ashamed to admit "Yup, I knew it, He's just like Dad, He doesn't care about me!" had popped up in my mind.
I composed myself & headed off to work. Elias was busy & suggested I head back home earlier than I had planned & come back after 1 pm when I could have his undivided attention to work through the things I needed his input on.
I didn't lie when I said I was going to be late because I had an unexpected visitor but the real reason Ester was here is that she came to pray with me, because she was there at Market Makers in the morning when I started to cry & held me long after everyone had left. She had checked in later to see if there was anything she could do for me...
There are some areas of my heart where I've broken through & progressed beautifully but a few remaining areas where I'm still a painful mess.
I've been reading quite a bit lately...
"Most often those who hurt most are silent. For various reasons, we don't allow ourselves to experience the pain we feel. Therefore the pain ends up being covered with work, alcohol, sex, drugs, depression, compulsive eating, dieting & the endless list of acting-out behaviours that indicate to alert observers that all is not well. Having failed to scream, we are now screaming through our disorders, addictions & compulsions. To scream is normal when facing tragic events. Not to scream may reveal the extent to which we are bleeding to death on the inside."
This quote from Failure to Scream by Robert Hicks resonates with me because I still do a fair amount of pushing down before I allow myself to grieve. "You should be beyond this!", a pastor told me years ago when I went to ask for help, so now I just don't ask. "Just get the hell over it!" I so often tell myself.
After a lifetime of feeling numb due to boxing up emotions, because I concluded emotions were dangerous, I now feel like I'm on a roller-coaster ride at the rapid pace the Holy Spirit has been resurfacing the unresolved trauma to unpack my box 📦& believe me, sometimes it's loudly buzzing with bugs. From time to time the volcano of boxed-up emotions erupts & today was one of those days.
I'm still learning to feel my feelings & scream my screams. Today my heart's been screaming on so many levels & so many tears have been rolling down my cheeks due to severe grief of not having a mother or father I can go to with my fears & insecurities, for comfort & wisdom.
Apart from healing hearts, I'm an encourager too, & I can often see more in people than they can see in themselves. I've also felt called to be a "Spiritual Mother" to others for decades & have always been one to take the motherless & fatherless amongst my peers under my wing even though I was myself burying my own grief of motherlessness & fatherlessness. This weighs rather heavy on me because I feel ill-equipped not having a "spiritual father or mother" myself & therefore no modelling to know what, how & when I should be doing it.
"The Cry for Spiritual Fathers & Mothers" by Larry Kreider has been on my bookshelf for years, waiting to be read. I finally picked it up to read this week & it's been pushing so many buttons...
"As I travel throughout the world training leaders and potential leaders, I see a consistent and desperate need for spiritual fathers and mothers to be in vital relationships with spiritual children. Whether they are new believers, Christians for many years, or pastors, the need is still the same. Deep down inside, many are longing for spiritual fathers and mothers.
God is calling us to become spiritual parents to prepare the next generation for spiritual parenthood. He desires to restore a sense of responsibility in spiritual fathers and mothers toward their children. Spiritual parenting fills the void and closes the gap of broken relationships between the old and the young.
Wouldn’t it be great if someone saw your potential in Christ and decided to invest in your life? This is the point of a spiritual parenting relationship—we can go a lot further spiritually if we work together in family-like units to reach the world."
I've spent my life looking for a father figure to fill the gaping void Dad's absence left in my heart. As I was reading, it suddenly dawned💡on me that's exactly what Elias has been doing. I can't express how grateful I am for the way he leads, even though I struggle to see in me what he & others see in me.
He's encouraged me in so many ways —my self-confidence and who I am in the Lord — he's pulled stuff out of me that nobody was ever able to pull out. He sees things nobody's ever noticed. Nobody's ever seen the glimpses of diamonds & gold in me... He stepped up to do what Dad so dismally failed to do, calling me forth into life to be ME. He didn't give up on me even when my heart thought, it's just a matter of time before he'll be sick & tired of me.
I've been climbing the ladder of performance all my life. Neither my 2nd place in hurdles nor all my distinctions were ever acknowledged but criticised. Nobody came to cheer me on when I sung the solo or danced in the school plays... so when I come to him excited with what I had produced, like a little toddler would bring their drawing to mom & dad for acknowledgement, that's the wounded little girl inside hoping Dad will finally acknowledge her existence & achievements.
However, there's a confusion that springs up my defences when I perceive his sudden change over from gentle leader to "boss". There's a softness in his eyes & voice that disappears with the pressure he's under & it causes anxiety, a shut down in trust & a temptation to hide until the softness returns & I feel safe enough to be at ease again. That's the change he sees in my eyes when he so often says "there she is now!" And sometimes I get confused because I'm not sure where the boundaries of work & friendship are & am I even allowed to be my boss' friend? I need friendship that lasts.
Over & over I've waded my way across stormy uncharted waters even learning to home educate & write a blog to share what I discovered the hard way, when school failed our boys. Much like the 7 year old in boarding school coming home to the all contents of her cupboard on the floor every day, with no reason why & no instructions what was wrong & how to do it correctly. Just do it & when it's done, it's wrong. Once again, a task without parameters for me causing, unfamiliar territories, chaos & overwhelm🤦♀️as seen with my response to Conference & Awards Finalist Interviews 😢 That seems to have been a pattern in my life & work. Creating order out of chaos & leaving procedure manuals for newcomers to follow. Did I mention I hate chaos?🤔 It messes with my OCD. Over & over I've had to prove myself "good enough" to others & also myself.
Oh & then there's the case of that "Shame? Who? Me?" worksheet from the UNashamed teaching series I completed for the 3rd time on Wednesday evening. Imagine my disappointment when, although a few areas have improved, I realised, my life is still pretty much shame based & that's what's driving so many of my responses, causing the stubborn resistance to change as well as the imposter syndrome & constantly feeling like an intruder & a burden. I guess the next 6 weeks are going to be rough ride 🤦♀️Please pray for me as I pursue taking down the stronghold of shame in my life...
Sharing my breakthroughs (highlight reels) is easy for me but allowing people into the struggles whilst I'm in there, not so much because in the past too many have left when the going got tough. All too often I do have something to say, but I just can't get the words out, so please hear what I'm NOT saying.
Healing from Complex PTSD is a challenging process with many ups and downs. Confronting trauma can sometimes worsen it before it improves. Childhood trauma often leads to ingrained coping mechanisms based on fight, flight, freeze, or please responses (I do all of these), which can resurface during stress.
To manage post-traumatic stress from child abuse or neglect, it's crucial to build resilience. Despite effective therapy & healing, breaking away from these ingrained survival strategies can be difficult, and old patterns may re-emerge from time to time.
I continue to pray for enlarged capacity & the ability to keep my heart ❤️ open even when it hurts & I'm afraid of intimacy (in-to-me-see) with God & others.
I'm grateful for those who are walking this journey with me as I navigate my way through the maze of emotions & sinful responses that need to be uncovered & brought to death at the cross. I'm grateful for those around me who are so patiently loving💞 me back to life!
Uitskryfwerk
3 August 2024
En daar tjank ek toe snot en trane want die Here gee vir my uit-skryf-werk.
Once again, God is up to something...
This morning I spent an hour pre-tracing these canvases for tomorrow's children's church paint party and then I felt prompted to do the text with sharpie so that it would still be visible after painting the heart.
What I didn't anticipate, however, was the inner turmoil that would result after having spent the last few weeks with overwhelm of out of control & chaos. Then this week I wrestled with intense feelings of being an intruder with no idea where that's coming from. 🤔
Back in the day, my stepdad used to tell us to think before we speak, every time we had something to say, but somewhere along the line I got stuck at thinking.🤔 It's amazing how much overthinking one can do whilst doing such a mundane task for 2 hours.
With each canvas, taking about 10 minutes, I felt like a schoolgirl being disciplined or corrected.
You are loved
You are loved
You are loved
…… x 18
Before I knew it, I was bawling my eyes out. When Clive found me crying & asked why, all that came out was: "Want die Here gee vir my uitskryf werk!" (Because the Lord gave me write-out work!) His first response was hysterical laughing, but then he noted there's been more than enough evidence that I am indeed loved very much & the reason I'm finding it so hard to accept is that I do not love myself.
I've been seeing God's kindness & favour in big & small ways all over of late. Dad's "Me too!" after I plucked up the courage to tell him I love him, struck quite a nerve.
The heart of stone must be loved back to life by Christ THROUGH his people. I'm truly grateful for the people He has placed in my life to love me back to life. My stony heart is melting slowly with daily, intentional efforts to keep my heart open even when it hurts. However, there are still some unbelieving areas of my heart that have yet to be to be touched & overcome by the love of Christ in this journey of sanctification & transformation.
And so, thank You Lord, that You are with me in the fire & that it's all unto something. What the enemy meant for evil, You will use for good. Thank you for Your oil of joy & peace that surpasses all understanding.
And so, Father in any area of my life where I've come to believe False Evidence Appearing Real, would You shine your light on the LIES & help me to bring all fear to effective death at the Cross of Christ. Help me uproot every area of my life that is producing fruit that's unbecoming & doesn't bring You glory.
Holy Spirit, I invite You in Your fullness into every place within my heart where there's a fear of vulnerability or there might even be a fear of opening up that door or a fear Lord, of how messy it might be or that I might cry in front of someone. Lord, would you give me safe people that I can be open & vulnerable with.
Lord, I pray that You would draw to the cross the fears, anxieties & old ways of having to be proper, sophisticated & have it all together. Lord, would You release Your grace today.
Lord, release Your peace. Release Your perfect love which casts out all fear. Release Your honour which would cast out the shame on this journey.
Jesus, I need more of You. And so, Lord, if there's anything obstructing or hindering that I would be with You, I give You permission today to reveal it to me. Give me the will to do Your will to do Your good pleasure today. Thank You Lord.
In Jesus's Name I pray
Amen