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26 May 2024

Leading from the Stop

Maybe it’s because leadership has shifted its focus from people to production; we’re in such a hurry to get things done that we neglect the very people who accomplish the things we need done.


- Marc Cole

This wasn't part of my weekend plan but fancy that... me reading a book on servanthood leadership, another one of my strengths that's been twisted through wounding... who would have thought someone who spent her life shying away & lurking in the shadows serving & following, would even look at a book on leadership.🤔


Maybe it was just a little curiosity because I had just discovered my new boss was a writer...


Having experienced so many painfully bad examples of leadership & authority I decided a very long time ago, if that's what successful leadership looked like, I didn’t want it so I spent my life shying away & lurking in the shadows serving & following. Why would even look at a book on leadership so finding myself drawn to read it caught me of guard. I had no idea this book would become the catalyst to the dismantling of my biggest stronghold.


Through the foreword & the first chapter I was drawn in by the story of the passengers & when the sample was finished I was rather disappointed but grateful I could just purchase the rest of it in matter of minutes.


In 3 decades of struggling to finish reading books, I haven't finished a book in a day since last year's "Slavery to Sonship" but this one too has left me with many thoughts to ponder🤔

Where do I go from here, I wonder? 🤔


Wait, there's more, I hear the Lord say as He's just last week brought healing to a major job-related wounding from 28 years ago that had remained buried & unresolved.


From my Elijah House training: "Pain that's buried alive stays alive & will morph & mutate until it finally comes out sideways. Those who suppress emotions / don't express it will eventually explode like a volcano."


It's clear, God is not finished with me yet.


"We only have one life here on earth. It isn’t a dress rehearsal. Use this time wisely. Another crisis will befall you. It’s not a case of ‘if’, but ‘when’. And when your world seems to come crashing down to an absolute halt, remember three things:

1) You’re not in trouble

2) We believe in you

3) We’re here to help"

This struck a major chord because of all the childhood neglect, & whilst I was reading it, it felt like the lord was speaking but I don't have the shelves/capacity to receive it yet.


As a post abortion baby with the spirit of death wrapped around me since conception, I was born believing I'm a mistake, I shouldn't be here, I have to prove myself worthy of love & I have to earn my keep. I waited 21 years for an "I love you" from mom & have yet to hear it from dad. Affirmations, blessings & any other conversations were non-existent. My own brother wouldn't speak to me for 30 years because of the lies he had been told, so I came to believe if my family doesn't love me or care, then nobody does & neither does God.


I found myself sitting in Elias' office, talking about the unravelling his book has caused. "I believe in you", he said, "but I don't!", I heard myself say. "That's OK", he said, we'll work together through your healing until God shows you that you're worthy. I was undone. How could a man of God, who had only known me for a few short weeks see so much in me that he would believe in me & what I was capable of.


Whenever my world came crashing down I felt completely & utterly alone. That's been my experience & I've been praying the Lord will replace my experience. He's been graciously bringing along opportunities for new experiences in other areas & praying that if & when my world crumbles again I will have a community to pick me up & help gather the pieces. Dare I hope for a light at the end of this tunnel, that's not a train coming right at me? This may just be the backbone that's been holding all my strongholds together.


It's time to dig up & deal with all the LIES I've come to believe that are opposing these 3 profound statements my heart's been yearning to hear all my life, time to allow myself to grieve the neglect, loss of childhood, innocence & the memory that never was, the rejections, abandonments & betrayals, the abuse, I hear Him say. Although I've dealt with many of the sinful responses, I've never allowed myself to grieve fully. I was hoping to be done after crying for days... but apparently not... bracing myself for another group session at the moment.


It's time to learn to trust & to allow others to help rebuild & fill up those shelves for all the areas where there's been unfulfilled need. It's time to allow others to do for me what I do so generously for them.


I may need to come back to read  this one again.

So many of my struggles have been over striving to become what I already am because God has been misrepresented in my life & nobody drew me forward...

  • a woman of Excellence but spent my life performing for perfection

  • a woman of Worth but spent my life feeling I had to "earn my keep" to be valued

  • a Peacemaker but spent my life in compliance to keep the peace

  • a Pioneer but spent my life hiding & invisible

  • an Overcomer but spent my life feeling like a victim

  • a Warrior but spent my life worrying

  • a Loyal Friend

  • a Cheerleader

  • a Faithful Servant

  • a Mother, both physically & spiritually


& dare I say it?

  • a Teacher but refused that because that would make fortune-teller's predictions come true

  • a Leader but spent my life following in compliance

There, I finally acknowledged these 2 that I've been running from all my life.


but first & foremost

  • a Daughter but spent my life feeling like a slave


That's who God created me to be but all these qualities got twisted through my sinful responses to neglect & wounding, although most of these have been straightened out. 

"Jesus take the wheel!" as I work my way through another recognition worksheet, then my friend Ester & I may need to go both ways with our confession & repentance time on Wednesdays to lay the axe to all the roots that are coming up hard & fast right now.🤔


Maybe it’s time to dust off that big hairy vision from 5 years ago & check what else is in my hands to get it off the ground.


Testing & pruning... Lord, chip away from me  everything that doesn't bring You glory.

Wait for it, testimony to follow as soon as I've processed all of this...

In the meantime, do yourself a favour, pick up a copy of this book. It's an easy read, an encouraging testimony & contains some valuable lessons on leadership during adverse situations. Click the image above for the Kindle version or find a hard copy at a Christian Bookstore. You won't be disappointed.

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