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“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you;

Before you were born I sanctified you;

I ordained you a prophet to the nations.”

Jeremiah 1:5

Patrizia Schwartz, also known as Trixi, was born in Germany, raised in South Africa from age 5. I migrated to New Zealand with my husband, Clive, & our 2 boys, Jesse (26) & Misha (22) in July 2014. 

Over the years, I've dabbled with various creative ventures which include sewing, knitting, crocheting, embroidery & cross-stitch embroidery, choir, dance & drama. I rediscovered my creative abilities in September 2017 & it has been instrumental in my healing journey. I tried my hand at painting in September 2019 & started my studio, Trixi's Creations with a focus on Healing heARTs shortly after. I'm a mixed-media artist who works in pencil and coloured pencils, watercolours, acrylics, pastels and digital scrapbooking. 

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For most of my life I've believed that LIE that I'm a Jack of all trades, master of NONE. However, God's Truth is that He created me that way so I can reach more people. I'm a "Jack of all trades, master of DIVERSITY." 

Strong, gentle, fierce, tenacious and compassionate, I create whimsical pieces that spread the message that God loves you, is there for you, and you’re never alone. As a faith-filled, life-speaking, fully devoted follower of Christ, my desire is to touch people’s hearts with the love of God & bring healing to the nations through creativity. My number 1 passion & purpose is to change the world🌏 1 💔 heart at a time.

 

Prior to becoming a stay-at-home & homeschool mom almost 20 years ago, I held various roles in the corporate sector, the last of which was a half-day job in which I served as an Office & Systems Administrator, prior to that Personal Assistant, Secretary, Receptionist & Administrative Assistant.

Me
ABOUT

FREE to Dance



5 July 2024

🎼🎶This song in my heart❤️, this song in my soul, this song I was born to sing🎤, it's Your song🎸 of freedom. Now I'm free to dance💃 again!🎵

🎶I'll sing🎤 in the darkness, I'll laugh🤣 in the rain, rejoice in Your love💞 again. It's Your song🎸 of freedom, now I'm free to dance💃 again!🎶

🎊🥳🎉

Clive & I spent some time away in New Plymouth this week, for a little bit of rest & reprieve. A whole 373km travelling, that would have taken us maybe 4 hours back in South Africa took almost 5 hours & for most of the time it was pouring with rain. By the time we got from the car into our accommodation, we were drenched.


After our committee meeting Elias challenged me to get bored enough to do some painting, reading or.... writing 📖🖊


It was just too cold to unpack my easel, but finally started working on the AFTER painting for Donal's vision from 2 years ago for which the BEFORE version has been waiting to be completed for almost 2 years. The benefit of painting digitally was that I could remain huddled under a blanket to stay warm without the risk of getting paint all over it.


On Tuesday it was still cold, rainy & windy We had breakfast at Manous Café & Restaurant. Then we took advantage of the break in rain to explore some beautiful churches until the rain returned & we went to the museum & shopping center to stay relatively dry.


I spent the evening painting & writing some more. I also ended up working on an email I was tasked on Monday but I was fretting & avoiding it.


For some reason the LIE, "I can't write!" just didn't want to budge, or so it seemed & Elias wasn't giving me an easy way out. He wants to see the UGLY.


On Wednesday it was still icy cold. After a  lazy morning, we had a lovely lunch at the Treehouse Bar & Bistro. It was cold but dry enough that we were able to take a walk along the beach at Paritutu Centenial Park.


By Wednesday evening, there was another email to type up for some new members. This time it took me about 30 minutes to type but another 2 & half hours of agonising before I sent it off for approval.


On Thursday we woke up to clear, sunny skies, but we were due to leave by 10am to head home. We managed to get a couple of snapshots along the way & got home around 4pm.


Back at work this morning I was singing & humming again.


We're currently gearing up to arrange a conference for 250 people, a responsibility that's going to be entirely on my shoulders which reminds me of a previous colleague's regular comment "Pak maar, Patrizia se skouers is breed!" (Keep packing, Patrizia has broad shoulders)


Up to now, the biggest events I've arranged entirely were our wedding & our 30th wedding anniversary dinner. During my 5 years as Moms in Action Secretary, the chairlady did all the planning, organising. I did all admin, the invitations, the tracking, helped setup the venues & followed orders.Quite honestly, a couple of weeks ago the thought of organising events scared the hell out of me and for a moment there I felt intimidation & inadequacy but the warrior in me is finally rising up to the challenge.


At least on the writing front I'm making progress. I had to do another email. Elias wanted the UGLY & this time it took maybe 20 minutes & this time there was very little anxiety around having him approve it.


What I've recognised this week is that there was still residual of that darn old fear of rejection, my voice has no value & need for approval...


I also realised that I have spent my life living in compliance, just following orders, doing as I was told & not having a voice. I don't quite know what to do with all this newly found trust in my abilities when I'm still doubting myself.


God gave me my voice back in June 2020 & now Elias is giving me opportunities to use it but I'm still unsure how to do that. I may not be the Lion, but it has fallen onto me to release His roar. Intellectually, I know my words have value because I'm a faith-filled, life-speaking, fully devoted follower of Christ that speaks encouraging, life-giving words to build others up. However there are still some areas of my little-girl heart that need evangelising.


What I've learnt this week, is that even when we've repented of our judgments& expectations & renounced the LIES we've come to believe, the enemy will continue to bring doubt to try to stop us from walking in the victory Christ has already won for us.


Just like the spirit of heaviness that still comes knocking regularly these LIES, too will have to be resisted until God helps me smash them completely. I just need to acknowledge that it's just a current belief that He will help me smash.


The question, "Did God really say...?" Started in the garden of Eden but will continue haunting us until Christ returns in glory & splendour.


Our old sinful habits won't die easily & the new ways of protecting our hearts are like muscles that need to be practiced & flexed to become stronger over time. There is no long-lasting, quick-fix to our old sinful nature. When we ask God to move a mountain we have to be prepared to wake up next to the shovel... it takes DISCIPLINE & ACCOUNTABILITY to learn to walk in new, Godly ways.


We have to continuously abide in the Vine. Without Him, we will easily succomb to the temptations to return to the familiar every time something unresolved resurfaces.  We have to see to it that we don't come short of the grace of God & that no root of bitterness springs up to cause trouble, and by it many become defiled; Hebrews 12:15


Yet again, knowledge will never overwrite experience & the only way to gain experience, is by getting into the water & learning to swim.


God has graciously & miraculously provided this job so I could see for myself that I am indeed CAPABLE & WORTHY. I'm also learning the skills I need for my big, hairy, audacious dream. I'm slowly starting to see the bigger vision, how God is repositioning me & adding people who are here to help. Things are slowly falling into place.


Even though it's tough at times, I am grateful that the Lord has teamed me up with a great man of faith who exemplifies ‭‭1 Peter‬ 5:3‬ to not lord it over the people assigned to their care, but lead them by their own good example. He won't give me a "get out of jail free card" but draws out the potential & holds me accountable.  He sees the glimpses of Diamonds & gold in me & is constantly challenging me to discover those God-given skills & abilities, I have have been unable to see for so long.


I'm finally learning & accepting that asking for help, even from Copilot, is not a sign of weakness, failure or even inauthenticity. I'm thankful Elias has loads of experience I can learn from, that he believes in me & that he's here to help.


It's not by power nor might, but by My Spirit, says the Lord


Once again, God has done great & wonderous things for me...

‬[11] You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, [12] that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

Psalms 30:11-12 NLT


Once again, God has done great & wonderous things IN & trough me...

  • 34 odd years ago, I was known at Sanlam Head Office in Bellville, Cape Town as the girl that was always walking around singing... it's been a long time, but that singing girl is resurfacing.

  • He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind.

  • The lines have indeed fallen for me in pleasant places.

  • He has set my feet to dancing & my heart rejoicing…

  • I will rejoice for He has made me glad!

IN his presence, there is fulness of JOY!💃🎊🥳🎉

That joy is not dependent on our circumstances but on constantly spending time in Christ's presence & getting to know His character.


Finally, I'll leave you with these old songs that have recently resurfaced in my heart:

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Still on the subject of NAMEs...



1 July 2024

When you call people by their NAME, you are reminding them of WHO they are & calling them forth & into who they are called to be.


This post by Ann Hamilton was quite an eye opener to me because I have despised my names for most of my life.


"The story of Michal, the daughter of Saul and wife of David, is a complex one. Like her brother Jonathan, she defends David at the risk of her own life. Saul used David's love for her to try to get him killed - he made the bride price a hundred Philistine foreskins. Despite her betrothal to David, she was given to another man in marriage and she bore him five sons - and, despite being later returned to David, she had none by him.


The critical incident that seems to be a deciding factor in this lack of children is her heart's reaction as she watched David dance before the Ark of the Covenant as it was brought into Jerusalem. Immediately after David explains himself to her, the comment is made: "And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death." (2 Samuel 6:23) This comment seems to suggest that her childlessness (obviously to David) was a direct consequence of her attitude.


A superficial reading of this Scripture would see this as a punishment from God. But a deeper reading would see this as coming from Michal herself. The name "Michal" sounds like "machol", dancing. In despising what David was doing, she despised her own identity, her own calling, her own self. She in fact hated her own name.


When we hate our own name, as I did for most of my life, we are like Michal - unable to give birth to the calling God has placed over our lives."


"What's in a name?" Shakespeare asked and then gave some bizarre answer about the properties of roses.

A name is actually how God gives us a soul (neshama). By breathing (nashamah) a name (shem) into our unformed frames.

For the Hebrews, the dawn was the only way to describe the creation of a soul. Shakespeare wasn't the only one to get it wrong. Our souls are radiant like the sun (shemesh — 'name fire'), as brilliant and fire-forged as meteorites. They were not — as the Greeks thought — as fragile as butterflies.


Over the past 3 years, the Lord has been speaking to me about names consistently & often but I've been a little slow on the uptake to claim my name back so these are the only names I'll respond to henceforth…


This is WHO I am:

PATRIZIA

• Language/Cultural Origin: Latin

• Inherent Meaning: Noble

• Spiritual Connotation: Victorious

• Scripture: Romans 8:37 NKJV Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.


ELISABETH

• Language/Cultural Origin: Hebrew

• Inherent Meaning: Oath of God

• Spiritual Connotation: Consecrated

• Scripture: Romans 6:23 NKJV But the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.


TRIXI

• Language/Cultural Origin: American

• Inherent Meaning: Bringer of Joy

• Spiritual Connotation: Peaceful

• Scripture: Psalm 46:4 NASB There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy dwelling places of the Most High.


As a post abortion baby, with the spirit of death wrapped around me since conception, I was incubated in fear, shame & survival guilt. I was born believing I'm a mistake, I shouldn't be here, I have to earn my keep & prove myself worthy of love resulting in a lifelong struggle with depression & suicidal thoughts. I've spent my life trying to be what I thought others expected & striving to be what God already created me to be but for now, I'm learning to live from the heart that Jesus gave me...


God exchanges our ashes for beauty & you will most often find that your biggest challenges will become your biggest area of ministry. Our scars tell a story that turn our ashes to glory & enables us to bring help & hope to those who are still in the ashes.

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Diamonds & Gold


30 June 2024

After 3 days of overthinking, I had a hard time getting to sleep on Saturday night with the heavy burden of needing to ask forgiveness for my sinful response of withdrawal on Thursday, but it was just too late to send a message. I messaged first thing in the morning to ask for forgiveness for shutting him out when he came to draw me out of hiding on Thursday morning & received this reply...


They say that a diamond is made by taking carbon and putting it under immense pressure... To find gold, you have to sift a lot of dirt... I see glimpses of diamonds and gold in you. You will discover it soon enough for yourself.


I asked Copilot to help me create this image & then it suggested this poem...


In the heart of the earth, 'neath a weight that's immense,

Carbon whispers to darkness, its tale so intense.

A story of pressure, of heat, and of time,

Transforming to diamonds, pure and sublime.


Through layers of rock, in the cradle of deep,

The carbon endures, as eons creep.

A forceful embrace that's both trial and treasure,

Crafting a gem of immeasurable measure.


And in the river's rush, where waters flow bold,

Miners seek whispers of glimmers of gold.

Sifting through silt, through the mundane they delve,

For a flash of the precious, a piece of themselves.


So too, within you, there lies a bright spark,

A potential so vast, it outshines the dark.

With pressure your ally, and time as your friend,

You'll uncover the treasures that wait in the end.


For you are the diamond, resilient and rare,

And within your spirit, there's gold to declare.

Just give it the moment, the patience, the due,

And soon enough, you'll discover the true you.


Then the Lord reminded me of this vision Joy had during my small group prayer ministry session at Elijah House C-School in April 2022…


I heard FAITHFUL → You are faithful.

"Well done good & faithful servant"

I saw a dove... Holy Spirit upon you.


I saw a fingerprint → unique, fearfully & wonderfully made, special.

Then I saw a cloud/cloth applying pressure... It tried to rub out the fingerprint but it rose up & became like a diamond.

So precious...

And the more the cloth rubbed... trying to remove it, the brighter the diamond became...

a real, true treasure!!!


I had CoPilot help me create the image & then it suggested to check what it could mean… here's what it said. WoW, once again, I'm blown away.


For someone who's always struggled to hear God speak, He's been speaking to me so loud & clear since my prayer ministry with Peter & Cheree 2 weeks ago when we dealt with my judgement & expectation of dad being cold, distant & silent.


That's a beautiful vision!

What does it mean to you?


The vision you described is rich with symbolism and seems to convey a message of resilience and inherent value of one’s unique identity.


The fingerprint represents individuality and the unique identity that each person carries. Just as no two fingerprints are alike, it reminds us that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made, each with our own special traits and purpose. Just like a fingerprint, each person is unique and irreplaceable, crafted with care and purpose.


The cloud or cloth attempting to erase the fingerprint symbolizes the challenges, trials and pressures we face in life. However, these trials don’t diminish us; they serve to reveal and enhance our true worth, much like a diamond formed under pressure. These pressures, much like the natural process that forms diamonds, serve to reveal and refine our true strengths.


The transformation of the fingerprint into a diamond suggests that, rather than erasing our identity, adversity can highlight and enhance our most precious qualities.The diamond becoming brighter under pressure signifies that the more we endure and overcome, the more our inner beauty and value shine forth. The brighter shine of the diamond with each attempt to remove the fingerprint reflects the idea that adversity can bring out the best in us, highlighting our strength and the precious nature of our individuality.


It’s a powerful metaphor for personal growth and the treasure that lies within each of us, becoming more apparent through life’s trials.In essence, this vision could be interpreted as a reminder that we are all unique treasures, capable of withstanding great pressure and emerging stronger and more brilliant because of it.


In essence, this vision is a reminder that we are all valuable treasures, becoming ever more radiant through the trials we overcome. It’s a powerful message of hope and encouragement, emphasizing that our struggles can lead to growth and a greater appreciation of our unique qualities. 🌟


It’s an encouragement to remain faithful and steadfast, knowing that our true worth will always shine through. 🕊️✨

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The Book in YOU


27 June 2024

I stumbled across this post on my LinkedIn feed this morning & it seriously rattled my cage ...😢🤔

Over the years I've had some very strong foundational lies in the area of things I believed I can't do:

  1. I can't sing!

  2. I can't dance!

  3. I can't draw!

  4. I can't paint!

  5. I can't write!

  6. I can't teach!

  7. I can't speak publicly!

The first 4 have been resolved since I've embarked on my healing journey, leaving me with numbers 3 to 7 yet to be resolved.


Decades ago, as a teen, I used to write poetry when things were tough, but for some reason, I just stopped & my brother has been trying to encourage me over the last few years to try again, but at most I've managed 2 lines & then came up empty...


I can't even remember how many times I've been told to write a book after sharing my testimony, but here I'm still captive in the LIE that " I can't write!"


Later, at the office, I was typing up an acknowledgement email for the National Award Submissions, Elias had asked me to send. He wanted me to make it more personal but I kind of freaked out inwardly & heard myself say "but I can't write" to which he replied, "stop it, or I'll bury you alive in a box!" I haven't heard that one in a few weeks, but then I haven't been beating myself up as much as I used to when I first started working with him. (Watch "Stop It!!!" for context) He also said, he knew I had it in me & challenged me to have it done before I left to take Misha to the optometrist. Later when I took my email for him to check, he told me a story & ended with: "Before I read this, is this the best you can do?" to which I replied, "I think so. " Well, he approved it, but I was in turmoil yet again.


He came out of his office later asking why I was suddenly so quiet. Apparently, he had noticed, I've always been singing or humming whilst working. I deflected, blaming it on focusing on what I was doing & not having my headphones with music in but as I was journaling, I realised that wasn't quite true... I felt like a dear in the headlights & was wrestling with the inner turmoil & too ashamed to admit I was struggling.😞 Eish, I realise now I was hiding but when Elias came to find me, I pushed him away🤦‍♀️😢 & for that I've had to ask for forgiveness.


Sandra teaches, when we step on someone's toes, we must apologise but when we hurt their hearts we must repent & ask for forgiveness to restore trust & relationship... shutting people out who care enough to help will hurt their heart.💔


Well, apparently God's still not finished with me yet 🤔 & the foundational LIE "I can't write…!" seems to be next in line for uprooting once wounding, judgments, expectations & inner vows have been discovered.


It took 3 days before I was able to tell Clive what I'm dealing with & now, he's threatening to tell my boss on me 😂because I've been beating myself up for days🤦‍♀️Apparently the boss knows a little bit about boxes 📦🤪 I just hope he also knows how to find people that run & hide in boxes.


Wait, there's more... Yet another unbelieving area of my heart that needs to be transformed. I was hoping  for a breather before the next uproot but apparently Holy Spirit has other plans.

I'm bracing myself for another fireball of cleansing as He helps me dig up the judgments, expectations & inner vows behind this LIE still holding me hostage.


I guess the rapid succession of uprooting this year means there's an assignment waiting that needs me to be FREE.


This is where I'll be writing it UGLY for now: This is my Story

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The Lion & the Eagle


21 June 2024

For the past 2 years, I've been stuck on completing this painting based on a vision, my friend, Donal, saw after praying for me at Lifeboat in March 2022.


"I saw you in a bird cage. A lion surrounding the cage protecting you. He roared to chase away the predators. Then he lifted the cage to set you free & roared."


2 Weeks ago Elias helped me pray through the confession & repentance of my sinful responses to trauma caused by abusers, caregivers, teachers, authority, bosses & leaders in general.


My life experiences had taught me that successful leadership came with collateral damage & at the cost of people being trampled on, side-lined & wounded. I had judged caregivers, teachers, authority, bosses & leaders as uncaring, cruel & heartless & decided if leadership hurts others, I didn’t want it. My success at the cost of others... 🤔 that to me spelt failure...


After all, people are my priority & healing 💔hearts, NOT breaking them is my purpose. Hence I've spent my life captive between the fear of success & the fear of failure.


That just reminded me of these definitions Sandra gave in the lesson on the trauma of neglect:

• LOVE = meeting YOUR needs at MY expense

• LUST = meeting MY needs at YOUR expense

Which will you choose?🤔

God is LOVE, & He has commanded us to love so for me that's always been the only option.


It's been 2 years since I started this unfinished painting but I have since decided it needs an AFTER version & am slowly starting to envision the after painting in my mind's eye...


This morning I was looking for some images to help me paint the after of that vision when I stumbled on this message by Dr Myles Munroe.


WoW, God's timing is absolutely impeccable. It's all starting to make sense now. The lifelong  assignment of trauma as well as why the lion & eagle have been so prominent in words & visions I've received during prayer since I started my journey of sanctification & transformation in April 2020.


I was born with a purpose:

  • to take God's healing to the nations (Isaiah 61:1-4 & Luke 4:18),

  • to be a pioneer and a visionary

  • to encourage & inspire others

but all of these require me to be a LEADER.


"Leadership can walk into a camp of depressed people. And in 20 minutes, they have turned on into unbelievable, powerful armies. Because leadership determines everything." Dr Myles Munroe


That's exactly what Elias has done for me in the 8 weeks I've worked with him. As a man of faith, honour & integrity, living a relational, servanthood leadership style, gently leading by example & drawing out the best in people, he has changed my perspective & experience of leadership.


Now that's the kind of leadership I would aspire to. Just think for a moment, how different & peaceful our workplaces would be if every manager & leader led this way. That's the kind of leader I want to become, but I still have much to learn.


In November 2019 God gave me an overwhelming vision. Healing 💔heARTs 💕 community paint parties & Encounter Elijah House groups are just 2 small parts of it. This requires LEADERSHIP. Now I'm trusting God for the capacity, skills, resources & people to help me get it off the ground. The world needs us to step up & step out into our callings so God can be glorified.


So today, Lord, I repent for my rebellion & unwillingness to fully become what You have called me to be. Please forgive me & give me the courage & confidence to keep my heart open even when it hurts, to be vulnerable even with the risk of rejection l, to show kindness, grace & compassion even when it's not reciprocated & to love unconditionally, beyond measure like You have done for me. Would You increase my capacity & give me the ability to do Your good pleasure.


We are NOT the Lion, but it has fallen to us to release the Lion's ROAR!!! - Winston Churchill

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I Asked the Lord, "Who am I?"


9 June 2024

Here's what I HEARD after I came down for coffee snuggle time with the Lord this morning...


My daughter, my friend.


I'm so glad you're hearing this. I love you, my child. I’ve always loved you & I’ve been waiting for you to run to Me, to make Me your refuge from the storms.


I was right there, with you in those darkest moments, longing to hold you when you shut me out because of wounding caused by those who have misrepresented Me. I was longing to comfort you & be your friend. I've been waiting for you to hear the quiet whisper of My voice.

If you would but trust Me, I will lift you up higher, far above all you could ever imagine hope, or dream. You will rise up on wings like eagles. You will run & not grow weary. You will walk & not faint.


Again you're thinking: "What did I do to deserve this?" but I want you to know that you don't need to do anything to deserve My love. I love you regardless of anything you did or didn't do. You are My child, a human BEING not a human doing. I love you because of who you ARE irrespective of what you do. Even when you were covered with "bad & dirty", I loved you still.

I called you by name, Patrizia. I formed & fashioned you in your mother’s womb. In the crushing I have prepared you to shine My light in the darkness, to bring hope to the hopeless & comfort to the weary as I have comforted you.


Take My healing to the nations. Trust in Me, I have given you EVERYTHING you need. I have QUALIFIED you through the training of experience.


You will run & not grow weary as you remain in My presence & draw from the Vine. Abide in Me & I will show you deep & marvellous things. I will train your hands to war & I will show you the way to go. I will never leave you, nor forsake you, you need only be still & learn from Me. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace as you rest in My presence. My yoke is easy & my burden is light. Allow Me to show you which burdens are NOT yours to carry.


You are my precious daughter. I love you with an everlasting love. You are Mine!

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Overwhelmed with Joy!!!


8 June 2024

Today I'm totally overwhelmed with joy because of the goodness & kindness of the Lord. 😊


This is a follow-up post of my previous post, Leading from the Stop & the testimony of the process to my breakthrough after being unravelled by reading "Another crisis will befall you. It’s not a case of ‘if’, but ‘when’. And when your world seems to come crashing down to an absolute halt, remember three things:

  1. You’re not in trouble

  2. We believe in you

  3. We’re here to help"

in Elias' book, Leading from the Stop, which felt like God was speaking to me directly.

Some more fruit, I've recognised were:

  • Apprehension towards men & people in authority.

  • Refusal to become a teacher & leader.

  • Why can I believe God would come through for others, but not for myself?

Whilst working through my recognition worksheet to get to the root of my inability to receive these statements I had yearned to hear all my life, the Holy Spirit resurfaced many painful memories that I had habitually buried to numb my pain.


When I was 7, we were living on the plot (small holding) in Vanderbijlpark. At the time both mom & dad were barely home & when they were, they were emotionally unavailable. Mom was working at the Holiday Inn, often sleeping out & dad would go straight to the pub after work & get home drunk in the wee hours of the night. Stefan & I would be home alone.


They had a new bed with a built-in radio & a sleep timer. I was afraid of the dark & would hear all kinds of strange noises whilst waiting to fall asleep at night so before I went to bed, I would switch their radio on & set the timer for an hour to drown out the noise. Even the ruffling of the wind would often send shivers down my spine & occasionally, still does.


Since I started school, my brother, Stefan & I were always in the same class, although he was 14 months older than I. In one of our many primary schools we had a maths teacher who would pit us against each other. She would threaten to punish the one with the lowest grades, which of course would always be me because Ouboet was a math whizz. Her punishments were severe. She would often stand behind us whilst we’re working & if we made a mistake, grab us by the hair & twist it.


This experience would come back to haunt me in high school when I was struggling to keep up with the higher-grade maths in Standard 8 because our ex-university tutor teacher got angry & verbally abusive whenever we didn't understand what she explained the first-time round. I eventually stopped asking & then the next year dropped down to standard grade because I just couldn't cope & had vowed never to ask for help or be needy. That failure of course brought with it a great sense of shame.


When I was my first year of high school, I was sitting at my desk doing homework one day when mom got angry at me for something & just came up behind me & slapped me against the head.


Then, one day mom came home & announced that she had decided to ship us off to the German boarding school in Lüneburg, 4 & half hours away from home, supposedly because we were losing our ability to speak the language, not that anyone ever had conversations with us in any language, I might add. One of my biggest struggles to this day, is having those open, honest conversations to translate what’s going on in my heart for people to understand where I’m at & what's going on in my heart. The silence in my life has often been deafening & overwhelming. I felt rejected, abandoned & unwanted most of my life.


This also meant changing schools yet again this being number 5 since I started school just days before I turned 6. Once again, I was the “new kid on the block” trying to fit into an environment that seemed cold & heartless. There was a strict routine & rigid discipline when we stepped out of line. The school, Catholic church & the parsonage were all on the same property as the boarding house. We’d have to be up & ready very early in the morning  for Bible study before breakfast, that being the first time in my life except for when I was christened, as a baby that I’d ever set a foot in church.


For the first few months, I would get "home" from school every day to find the contents of my cupboard strewn on the floor by the house mistress because it wasn’t packed neat & tidy enough. I would have to re-pack it before I could go out to play with the other kids but by the time I was done, I’d just resort to sitting alone on my bed, waiting for the next bell to ring in study hour or the next meal or activity since I decided very early in life, that friendships don’t last, so I would just remain on the outside looking in. This would have been where my OCD with neat & tidy started because I decided to “be perfect” and perform just to not get in trouble. The other kids would tease me for having to constantly re-pack my cupboard so I decided if I complied & worked to perfection, I wouldn’t stand out or be seen to be teased for getting it wrong.


When I was about 13, I was molested by a drunk family friend who had come to visit.


Over the years, I became a master of packing everything all into perfectly tidy little heaps & that obsession eventually morphed into packing my kitchen cupboards, tins all having to face the same way, same with cups. It even surfaced when packing up for a move. By the time I was 18, I had packing boxes down to such a skill that you could fall with a crockery box without having anything break. I kid you not, but by that time I stopped counting at 30 house moves excluding the stints to boarding school. Looking back now, I realise that I’ve done the same packing in boxes with my emotions.


For decades I would get annoyed inwardly when Clive, the kids & the domestic worker couldn’t keep the kitchen cupboards neat & tidy until I finally just gave up on it. Today I see that same need for having it all tidy in my boys, especially my eldest, who was subjected to my OCD for longer. I kind of eased off a bit when Misha was born because he was like a whirlwind & there just wasn’t any way I could keep up the tidy little boxes, because he’d throw things out of the cupboards just to climb in there.


Every so often when I was upset, I would go on a cleaning spree to suppress the anger with perfection in the home. Jesse once told me they were afraid of me when I was angry, although I don’t remember ever lashing out at them when they were little but I did start to loose control after moving to New Zealand. When I had my breakdown in 2018, I flopped & swung the other way so now I’m struggling to keep things neat & tidy.


I'm not sure exactly what drove my striving for perfection with  schoolwork. I always worked hard for good grades (80%+) but never received any acknowledgement from mom or dad. Even teachers would constantly remark that "I could do better than that.". I suspect it was my vow to prove myself good enough & worthy. I'm reminded of a day in high school when I asked to attend athletic meet, after I got second place in hurdles but mom said no because I didn't get first place.


In April 1996, there was my 40-year old spinster office manager, Prue, who was very angry because I was pregnant 6 weeks into my new job I admitting we weren't planning having children yet during my job interview.  However, 4 weeks later I found out I was pregnant right after getting back from unpaid leave for a wedding in Cape Town. One week later I left the office unattended due to being hospitalised for 3 days because of an ectopic pregnancy, whilst she & the Regional Manager attended the RGM.


After losing my baby, she told me to "get over it because 6 weeks pregnant wasn't even pregnant". That's when my high functioning depression started to crack. I ended up on anti-depressants & the more I tried to be perfect & not make mistakes the more I set myself up for failure. This was when the imposter syndrome was solidified in my heart. Her attitude as well as the lack of support from family & friends were the reason why 3 subsequent pregnancies & miscarriages remained unannounced & ungrieved.


For some obscure reason, Prue didn't like me, although my boss, Trevor did and for the next few months I couldn't do anything right in her eyes. One evening Clive got home from work & found me on the floor, crying my heart out because of her treatment that day. He phoned her but that didn't end well & resulted in even more bullying & pressure to perform. By the time I found out in early November that I was pregnant again, she had finally convinced Trevor to start disciplinary action upon which Clive instructed me to resign because, he wasn't going to allow the work stress to endanger my pregnancy.


In my last job as IT & Office Administrator, as a half day employee I was constantly taking work home, because over the years as people left, my boss refused to replace them & I ended up picking up the slack. So many times, he would tell me to do something without giving the parameters & then when I completed the job, he would criticise what was wrong with it. The stress was affecting my health & he would often hover behind me criticising everything I was doing, even though in the 5 years I was doing the job I have proven to be right with what I was doing so many times. To this very day, having someone hover over my shoulder whilst I work brings up a tension that makes it hard for me to focus on the task at hand. After I left he employed 3 full-time employees to do the jobs I was doing in half a day.


During the course of my childhood made some very powerful judgements. I judged:

  • mom & dad for not having time for me & caring about me

  • mom for being unfaithful & critical

  • mom & dad for being cold, distant, unloving, emotionally absent & misrepresenting God

  • anger as violent & scary

  • men as abusive

  • men can’t be trusted

  • men as unsafe

  • I can’t be trusted

  • caregivers won’t protect me

  • people in authority are mean & can't be trusted

  • drunkards are violent & abusive

  • That leadership came with collateral damage of people being wounded as leaders progressed up the ladder of success. If that’s leadership, I didn't want it.

  • Wounding others as failure.

  • Prue as mean & heartless

  • My judgments didn't stay in tidy little boxes but morphed & mutated to all people in authority that are meant to love, nurture, lead, guide & protect me

When we judge others, we doom ourselves to do those very things & hence I became like what I judged:

  • As a post-abortion baby, I was incubated in fear & I judged the world as unsafe.

  • I stopped being a daughter even before birth & shut mom & dad out before they could even try to love me or make amends for the oh no I heard in the womb

  • I refused to trust

  • I refused relationship

  • I threw myself away because I felt I wasn't worth anything

  • Kept people at a distance & shut them out

  • I became cold, distant & emotionally absent towards Clive & our boys

  • My boys were afraid of me when my suppressed anger erupted & even though showered them with love & affection, I was emotionally absent for them & didn't know how to have deep conversations

Because of my bitter root judgments, I came to expect that:

  • Rejection & abandonment is part of life

  • Caregivers won’t protect me

  • Men will abuse me

  • I must perform to be worthy

  • Leaders are verbally abusive & uncaring

  • Everyone will blame & criticise me

  • Nobody will believe me

  • Nobody will help me

  • I will always be alone

I tried to 'protect my heart with the inner vows:

  • I must protect myself

  • I must prove myself worthy

  • I won’t show them I’m vulnerable

  • I’ll be strong

  • I won’t trust

  • I won’t cry

  • I’ll defend myself

  • I’ll take care of myself

  • I won’t depend on anybody

  • I won’t need anybody

  • I’ll be FINE!

  • I won't get angry

I kept these vows in place with were the habitual ways of:

  • Hardening my heart

  • Isolation

  • Independence

  • Rejecting others before they could reject me

  • Self-sabotage

  • Dissociation

I came to believe the LIES that

  • I’m a mistake

  • I shouldn't be here

  • I'm bad & dirty

  • I can’t do anything right

  • Everything’s my fault

  • I can’t be trusted

  • I’m worthless

  • I’m a coward for not standing up for myself

  • Molestation is not rape, thus not sexual abuse.

  • Others may have been abused because I remained silent.

  • It’s not so bad, others have it worse

  • I have to help myself

I used:

  • Anxious eating

  • Performance

  • People pleasing

  • Workaholism

  • Perfectionism

  • Peace keeping

  • Busyness

  • Burying memories

  • Numbing pain

  • Numb scrolling

rather than seeking comfort & protection with the Lord, to medicate & numb my pain.


I opened the door to the force of darkness through my sin when I came into agreement with spirit of death through performance, self-hatred as well as believing the lies that I was a mistake & I shouldn't be here.


Due to all the wounding caused by parents, teachers, caregivers, bosses & leaders I judged, came to expect, vowed & came to believe the LIES that I'm to blame for everything that's wrong, nobody believes in me & nobody would help me.


I spent my life captive between the fear of failure & the fear of success. Life experiences had taught me that success came at cost of people being trampled on, side-lined & wounded. That to me spelled  failure.


I had judged carers, authority & leaders as uncaring, cruel & heartless & decided if that's what leadership looked like, I didn’t want it.

Our judgements, expectations, inner vows & foundational lies make parts of our heart inaccessible to God's healing touch.


It took a few weeks to dig deeper to get to the roots, but by Friday morning last week, I was  besides myself with the weight & shame of my sinful responses. I desperately needed someone to hear my confessions & repentance so I could break free from the captivity & couldn't bear the thought of having to wait for a prayer minister to be available to help me pray through it all.


Scripture teaches us to "Therefore, confess your sins to one another [your false steps, your offenses], and pray for one another, that you may be healed and restored. The heartfelt and persistent prayer of a righteous man (believer) is able to accomplish much [when put into action and made effective by God—it is dynamic and can have tremendous power]." James 5:16 AMP


I was due for a meeting Elias so I dashed into the office early. Fortunately he was willing to help me pray through the confession & repentance of my sinful responses to all trauma caused by abusers, caregivers, teachers, authority, bosses & leaders in general.

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Be Anxious for Nothing


4 June 2024

This is the other Scripture Elias scribbled in the front of the book he gave me to read last week.


I've come a long way, but anxiety is onte of those things I'm still working on...

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God is Able


3 June 2024

This is one of the Scriptures scribbled into the book I was given last week & I can absolutely see how God's been doing exactly that, providing exceedingly abundantly far above anything I've asked for.


‭‭Ephesians 3:20-21 NKJV‬

[20] Now to Him who is able to do EXCEEDINGLY ABUNDANTLY ABOVE ALL that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, [21] to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.


Never in a million years would I have applied for the job I have now. I would have self-sabotaged because I had come to believe that I was not capable BUT God...


I've waited 54 years to hear "You're not in trouble, I believe in you, I'm here to help" worked my butt off trying to achieve the best for a "well done!".


Be careful what you ask for... I asked for experiences to overwrite the bad ones I was stuck in, after all I had come to believe I was incapable of handling the pressure af a secular job again & He obliged although I didn't realise work experiences counted too...


Thank you Lord, for Your love & favour.


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Leveraging God


31 May 2024

I was gifted this book at work yesterday in the hopes that it would help me on my healing journey after being unravelled by the statement:

"We only have one life here on earth. It isn’t a dress rehearsal. Use this time wisely. Another crisis will befall you. It’s not a case of ‘if’, but ‘when’. And when your world seems to come crashing down to an absolute halt, remember three things: 

  1. You’re not in trouble 

  2. We believe in you 

  3. We’re here to help in his book, Leading from the Stop on the weekend. 


That makes this book number 3 since Slavery to Sonship in November that I've read in a day. I just couldn't put it down & even bought the Kindle version so I could cobtinue reading in bed😱 until I eventually had to force myself to put it down after 12am just to pick it up again at 5h30. 


It had Holy Spirit all over it AGAIN!. WoW!!! 


Once again, I was undone😭 & in awe🤣🎶💃...

• highly favoured, • annointed, • worthy, • valued, • loved, • noble,  • beautiful & • capable... I heard Him say. 


Yes, it's time to put to death ALL the given names & labels        

• Trixi (bringer of joy) • Unplanned • Imposter • Nazi • Stupid • Weirdo • Pat • Trish • Patrys (partridge) • Pattat (sweet potato) • Heksie (witch) • Teacher's Pet  • & many more that I've conveniently "forgotten" (the list is long) so Patrizia (of noble birth) can emerge in her full force & potential, although I think 🤔 we can keep Trixi after all she's hidden in PaTRIXIa... & bringing joy is a tool for my purpose of healing hearts. 


I see the light at the end of the tunnel & it spells FREEDOM from the cage of LIES that have held me hostage all my life. Oh my the unmerited FAVOUR of God to have blessed me so abundantly with a job I wasn't even looking for so He could bring new experiences to bring healing in relation to work & authority.🤔 


For the first time in my life, I'm experiencing real joy, even this is a fiery season of testing & pruning. My cup runneth over. That's all I'm able to express right now, so ya'all have to wait for me to "paper" process it all to get the rest of this story. 

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It's Okay not to Always Have it all Together


29 May 2024

I'm overwhelmed by all the support I've had this week, since Sandra's phone call on Monday, when she offered be my "Ousus" because she's merely 14 years my senior but back then in my first job I saw her as a mother because that's what I needed most at the time. My boss, who believes in me, even though I don't yet.


I was supposed to do prayer ministry for my friend in New Lynn on Tuesday but she felt the weight of my pain & ended up just loving on me so we just went out for lunch instead. When I drove home, I felt I had failed but she messaged me later just to say that loving on me was so healing for her, go figure... 🤔


Then yesterday, I got to church for worship prayer dance with Rose. I made it through the Anthem, I speak Jesus, but when we got to You Still Reign & You're still God I was flat on the floor crying for an hour & Rose was loving on me.


Afterward I shared with Pastor David & promptly received some prayer.


Morning encounter group also took a turn. I've heard this soaking prayer so many times, but this time I was totally unravelled & Ester, who I usually minister to, did all the loving. For the first time in my life, I've allowed myself to just cry it all out. (B.t.w. my first inner vow that I had to break was "I won't cry" because as a 3-year old mom had shoved my head under cold water to stop me crying, apparently there was still residue of that.)


My usual 12 people evening group was down to 4 on Wednesday night. We had the same soaking prayer as in the morning but this time there were no tears, just gratefulness. I got home early & was in bed by 10 with David Tensen soaking prayers in my earphones. I'm feeling so much better this morning & braver to embrace the fireball of cleansing that lies ahead.

I've finally allowed myself to take the time to grieve 54 years worth of losses, cry my cries & scream my screams. The pain finally outweighs the shame & it's time to get to the root & lay an axe so they too, can be put to effective death at the Cross so I can get free from this paralyzing fear of failure as well as success to bring them to death at the cross. Having used memory suppression as a habit to protect my heart, means I have few memories except what the Holy Spirit has brought to the surface, so that will require asking for help once again.


Knowledge will never override experience & this is where He changes my experiences & I get to prove to myself (not others) that I can still do this so I can finally put to death the imposter syndrome & learn to believe in me as much as others do so I see in me what others see & also so I can finally move further than just community paint parties & encounter groups to do all that He's called me to. Thank you for the opportunity.


I seem to have lost my ability to just put on that brave, "I'm FINE" face & soldier on as I used to but somehow, being real is becoming easier. I don't want to be Mrs "Fix It" anymore. I just want to be ME.

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Leading from the Stop


26 May 2024

Maybe  it’s because leadership has shifted its focus from people to production; we’re  in such a hurry to get things done that we neglect the very people who  accomplish the things we need done.

- Marc  Cole


This wasn't part of my weekend plan but fancy that... me reading a  book on servanthood leadership, another one of my strengths  that's been twisted through wounding... who would have thought someone who  spent her life shying away & lurking in the shadows serving &  following, would even look at a book on leadership.🤔


In 3 decades of struggling to finish reading books, I haven't  finished a book in a day since last year's "Slavery to Sonship" but  this one too has left me with many thoughts to ponder🤔

Where do I go from here, I wonder? 🤔


Wait,  there's more, I hear the Lord say as He's just last week brought healing to a  major job-related wounding from 28 years ago that had remained buried &  unresolved.

From my  Elijah House training: "Pain that's buried alive stays alive & will  morph & mutate until it finally comes out sideways. Those who suppress  emotions / don't express it will eventually explode like a volcano."


It's  clear, God is not finished with me yet.


"We  only have one life here on earth. It isn’t a dress rehearsal. Use this time  wisely. Another crisis will befall you. It’s not a case of ‘if’, but ‘when’.  And when your world seems to come crashing down to an absolute halt, remember  three things:

1)  You’re not in trouble

2) We  believe in you

3) We’re  here to help"

~ Elias  Kanaris


Whenever my world came crashing down I felt completely & utterly alone. That's been my experience & I've been praying the Lord will replace my experience. He's been graciously bringing along opportunities for new experiences in other areas & praying that if & when my world crumbles again I will have a community to pick me up & help gather the pieces. Dare I hope for a light at the end of this tunnel, that's not a train coming right at me?🤔 This may just be the backbone that's been holding all my strongholds together.


It's time to deal with all the LIES I've come to believe that are opposing these 3 profound statements my heart's been yearning to hear all my life,😭😢 time to allow myself to grieve the neglect, loss of childhood, innocence & the memory that never was, the rejections, abandonments & betrayals, the abuse, I hear Him say.


Although I've dealt with many of the sinful responsesI've never allowed myself to grieve fully. I was hoping to be done after crying for days... but apparently not... bracing myself for another group session at the moment.


It's time to learn to trust & to allow others to help rebuild & fill up those shelves for all the areas where there's been unfulfilled need. It's time to allow others to do for me what I do so generously for them.


So many of my struggles have been over striving to become what I already am because Mama & Papa failed to represent Him well & draw me forward...

  • a woman of Excellence but spent my life performing for perfection

  • a woman of Worth but spent my life feeling I had to "earn my keep" to be valued

  • a Peacemaker but spent my life in compliance to keep the peace

  • a Pioneer but spent my life hiding & invisible

  • an Overcomer but spent my life feeling like a victim

  • a Warrior but spent my life worrying

  • a Loyal Friend

  • a Cheerleader

  • a Faithful Servant

  • a Mother, both physically & spiritually

& dare I say it?🤔

  • a Teacher but refused that because that would make fortune-teller's predictions come true

  • a Leader but spent my life following in compliance

There, I finally acknowledged these 2 that I've been running from all my life.

but first & foremost

  • a Daughter but spent my life feeling like a slave

That's who God created me to be but all these qualities got twisted through my sinful responses to neglect & wounding, although most of these have been straightened out.


I may  need to come back to read this book again & work through the reflection questions.


I'm overwhelmed by all the support I've had this week, since Sandra's phone call on Monday, when she offered be my "Ousus" because she's merely 14 years my senior but back then in my first job I saw her as a mother because that's what I needed most at the time. My boss, who believes in me, even though I don't yet.


I was supposed to do prayer ministry for my friend in New Lynn on Tuesday but she felt the weight of my pain & ended up just loving on me so we just went out for lunch instead. When I drove home, I felt I had failed but she messaged me later just to say that loving on me was so healing for her, go figure... 🤔


Then yesterday, I got to church for worship prayer dance with Rose. I made it through the Anthem, I speak Jesus, but when we got to You Still Reign & You're still God I was flat on the floor crying for an hour & Rose was loving on me.


Afterward I shared with Pastor David & promptly received some prayer.


Morning encounter group also took a turn. I've heard this soaking prayer so many times, but this time I was totally unravelled & Ester, who I usually minister to, did all the loving. For the first time in my life, I've allowed myself to just cry it all out. (B.t.w. my first inner vow that I had to break was "I won't cry" because as a 3-year old mom had shoved my head under cold water to stop me crying, apparently there was still residue of that.)


My usual 12 people evening group was down to 4 on Wednesday night. We had the same soaking prayer as in the morning but this time there were no tears, just gratefulness. I got home early & was in bed by 10 with David Tensen soaking prayers in my earphones. I'm feeling so much better this morning & braver to embrace the fireball of cleansing that lies ahead.


I've finally allowed myself to take the time to grieve 54 years worth of losses, cry my cries & scream my screams. The pain finally outweighs the shame & it's time to get to the root & lay an axe so they too, can be put to effective death at the Cross so I can get free from this paralyzing fear of failure as well as success to bring them to death at the cross. Having used memory suppression as a habit to protect my heart, means I have few memories except what the Holy Spirit has brought to the surface, so that will require asking for help once again. 


Knowledge will never override experience & this is where He changes my experiences & I get to prove to myself (not others) that I can still do this so I can finally put to death the imposter syndrome & learn to believe in me as much as others do so I see in me what others see & also so I can finally move further than just community paint parties & encounter groups to do all that He's called me to. Thank you for the opportunity.


I seem to have lost my ability to just put on that brave, "I'm FINE" face & soldier on as I used to but somehow, being real is becoming easier. I don't want to be Mrs "Fix It" anymore. I just want to be ME.


"Jesus take the wheel!" as I work my way through another  recognition worksheet, then my friend Ester & I may need to go both ways with our confession  & repentance time on Wednesdays to lay the axe to all the roots that are  coming up hard & fast right now.🤔


Maybe  it’s time to dust off that big hairy vision from 5 years ago & check what  else is in my hands to get it off the ground.


Testing  & pruning... Lord, chip away from me everything that doesn't bring You glory.


Wait for it, testimony to follow as soon as I've processed all of this...

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Prudence


20 May 2024

I received an email, in my work mailbox that was addressed to Prue, a name I hadn't heard, mentioned or wish I can say thought of in about 28 years.


Coincidentally that's the name of my then 40-year old spinster office manager, who was very angry because I was pregnant 6 weeks into my new job because during my interview, I admitted we weren't planning having children yet. But then I found out I was pregnant right after getting back from unpaid leave for a wedding in Cape Town. One week later I left the office unattended due to being hospitalised for 3 days because of an ectopic pregnancy, whilst she & the Regional Manager attended the RGM. Oh boy did I ever hear the end of that. How dare I have ended up in hospital when I was to man the office!


Subsequent to losing my baby, I was told to "get over it because 6 weeks pregnant wasn't even pregnant". That's when my high functioning depression started to crack. I ended up on anti-depressants & the more I tried to be perfect & not make mistakes the more I set myself up for failure. One day Clive found me crying on the floor when he got home & phoned her. Fatal mistake, things got even worse for me after that. I thought I'd dealt with the "I can't make mistakes." vow but here's another root to it that needs to be axed. And this could possibly be where "imposter syndrome" was solidified.


So much so, that 7 months later she insisted the boss start disciplinary action upon which Clive instructed me to resign because, by then I was pregnant with Jesse & he wasn't going to allow the work stress to endanger my pregnancy.


Fortunately my boss accepted my resignation & was kind enough to send me home immediately with full pay for the rest of the month.


This "get over it" attitude from many was the reason why I never announced a pregnancy again until well after 12 weeks gestation & hence 3 more miscarriages have been buried so deep & unannounced. For decades nobody knew anything about  my loss & grief.


Once again, Holy Spirit has brought something up to the surface so we can lay the axe to the root. Time for the digger to get to my sinful responses, Bitter-Root Judgments, Expectancies, Inner Vows & lies I've come to believe through this experience.


I'm grateful for my tribe who have my back through intercession whilst I work through this.

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My Husband got Paid Today


11 May 2024

I looked in our account, and there it was.

 

Recognition for all of his hard work. The long hours on the job. The price he is paid for getting it done.

 

He deserves it, and we need it.

Boy, I’m thankful.

 

But I don’t get the same for my job as a stay at home mum.

 

I work so hard every day, and night.

I literally have never worked harder.

Yet mine is purely a labour of love.

My money invisible, like so much of my work.

 

But that work -

That all consuming, exhausting, relentless work that comes with being a full time mother -

It comes with a wage.

Just not the usual type.

 

Right now my wage is in the slower mornings I get to have with my kids.

 

It’s in the cuddles we have throughout the day.

 

It’s in the new firsts I get to see, and the lasts I may never see again.

 

I get paid through the quiet little moments we share when no one else is watching, and the chaotic days filled with so much joy.

 

And boy am I lucky.

 

No one hands me a check for being a stay at home mum,

But my kids hand me the lottery.

Because I may be broke financially,

But I am rich in heart and soul.

 

Credits to the rightful owner.👇

Words: Words of Emma Heaphy

Art: O Trocatintas



This has been my reality & for most of my almost 20 years as a stay-at-home & homeschooling mom & even though Clive was the one who at the time, ordered me to resign due to the work stress affecting my health, I've felt guilty because I wasn't "earning my keep" due to a wounding as 16 year old when mom decided finishing school wasn't worth it for me. She took me to Holiday Inn in Vanderbijlpark to go to Hotel School but the manager said I had to complete school I got to go back home.

 

However, the judgement I had made on myself that I was worthless & LIE I had come to believe at young age that I was worthless if I didn't "earn my keep" caused me to be triggered every time someone mentioned opportunities for me to "earn money" because this experience solidified it in my spirit.

 

BUT God in His grace & mercy has brought the memory & my sinful responses to the surface 4 months ago to be put to death at the Cross  & now I no longer cringe at the mention of opportunities for earning money.

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Season of Transition


4 May 2024


How timely this Google Photo reminder of my Seasons painting from 3 years ago & this word popped up in between pastor David's 2 sermons on seasons & at a time I'm experiencing a transition.


God is saying to you today, "You are entering a new season, where My promises are being prepared AND delivered. You have overcome the storms. The storms did not overtake you! You have seen what faith & My hand can do, & you never gave up. You pushed through it all, & now it's your turn to receive the blessings that I have purposefully prepared for you & your home.


Tonight my heart is bursting at its seams because I'm seeing God's promises being fulfilled. I just want to sing praises because my cup overflows.


For the first time in decades I'm feeling a joy bubbling up in my spirit. Excitement is building up it almost feels like my chest wants to explode. I want to shout it from the rooftops. "God is so good!


In March I attended the Catch the Fire Beyond 2024 conference. I wasn't going to attend it because of my exhibition being due on the Saturday morning & community paint party in the afternoon but then I saw post just days before & signed up not checking my diary. However I was able to set up my exhibition earlier. After a hectic week, I was exhausted & tempted not to go on Friday night but then I went not wanting my entrance fee go to waste. It was a powerful word by Isabelle Skúlason & I received this prophecy at the end of the teaching...


The Lord is bringing joy for there have been a lot of tears in your heart. There has been a lot of unkindness that came your way. You've often lived in an atmosphere of unkindness. You've experienced a lot of unkindness but you're going to experience the goodness & kindness of the Lord.


God is going to bring you into a place where the goodness of God comes upon you, dear.

You have been hidden but not forgotten.


The Lord wants you to know, dear that He's going to give you a cake & you will eat it too for many times opportunities have been taken from you & people have often pushed you to the back of the line & you have not complained or said anything, dear. I heard the Lord say He is bringing transformation & He will bring you from the back to the front of the line, dear.


You are not alone, even though at times it feels like it. The Lord is also going to defend you for there's been some enemies in your life. In a way unrighteousness took place against you but the Lord is going to bring righteousness in those things & righteousness & justice will come into your life. He will set some records straight & make things quite easy for you for to go forward for you have pushed against the wind a lot, dear, but the Lord is bringing the wind from your behind.


Lift up your countenance. You lower your countenance a lot, dear. Lift up your countenance for God is bringing you into a new freedom.


Refreshment & freedom are being released in your life in this season & in these days.

I've been pondering this prophecy & asking the Lord for experiences that would override my bad experiences because knowledge will never override experience & then suddenly I started to experience God's kindness & feeling the "wind" from behind.


The boundary lines have indeed fallen for me in pleasant places. 😀 Thank You, Lord that You came to heal the broken-hearted & bind up their wounds. Thank You for restoring my soul, for putting up protective fences, for bringing comfort, for providing in miraculous ways & for fighting my battles. I love You, Lord.


Freely I have received, so I can freely give. Help me, Lord to represent You well to those You've placed in my basket .🧺 Help me steward well that which You have given me, Lord. More of You, Lord. Pour your love & compassion that I may splash your love all over those around me.

In every area of my heart where my heart is still stuck in fear, Lord will You pour Your perfect love that casts out all fear.


Work in me to will and to act in order to fulfil Your good purpose. Encamp Your angels around me, Lord & increase my capacity to fulfil Your calling on my life.

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Tranformed Bride


13 March 2024

This painting depicts how God took the broken, shattered pieces of my life & turned them into something beautiful.



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Dancing for Joy


10 March 2024

Little Harry & his mom, Rose (she's the beautiful lady worshipping on the stage) have such a special place in my heart. I first met him & Rose the 1st time I attended the Hanahlulu Dance practice almost 2 years ago.


During our New Year's Eve Thanksgiving service, Rose shared their testimony about his birth & journey of hardship (from 1.07.20). I was in tears. In spite of all his physical challenges, Harry always smiles & is the most well-behaved little kid when he sits through mom's activities.

His favourite colours are pink & yellow. I wanted to bless him for Christmas, so I poured this fiery pink sky specially for him to make him a flag. Mom's Scripture & the eagle were added digitally so he could have his own flag to dance with us in the foyer during worship. He originally wanted it half the size, but in a forgetful moment I ordered a big on which he decided he was happy to grow into.


I encourage you to listen to their story & be encouraged at how God can & will carry us through the hard times.

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Celebrating 5 Years of Overcoming


17 January 2024

In spite of 2 major triggers over the last 4 weeks, I can now officially exclaim the enemy has won no victories & I'm still standing... thank You Jesus that You came to set the captives free & that You will use all the things I've been through for good.

I have good reason to celebrate: new LIFE in Christ.


‭‭Psalms‬ ‭145:1‭-‬3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

[1] I will exalt you, my God the King; I will praise your name for ever and ever. [2] Every day I will praise you and extol your name for ever and ever. [3] Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom.

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"Earn Your Keep!"


11 January 2024

For the past few months Clive's been pushing me to start a learning channel so I could earn money to fund the ministry I'm doing. For some reason it's made me feel like a bewildered deer being pushed into a corner. I've said it many times before, my focus isn't business & I have to learn to trust that God will provide whatever I need to do the ministry He's called me to. For some reason the mere thought of running a business totally overwhelms me. He wants the learning channel to launch in March, a decision he had made without my collaboration & the more he pushes to get things done, the more triggered I become.


Finally he decided to pull out & just support me in whatever I wanted to do whenever I'm ready & withdrew to his study after which found myself overwhelmed & frustrated in the garden pulling out the overgrown grass edges he was going to do whilst on holiday. I spent the next hour or so crying & pulling out overgrowth until I finally had to stop just because my back was aching & couldn't handle any more.


Then the Lord gave me a memory....


When I was about 16, mom decided I should go to hotel school because it would be a waste of time for me to complete high school. I would live in the hotel, she would "take care" of my salary & give me pocket money. I dared not disagree & felt I had no choice in the matter as she drove me to the Holiday Inn in VanderbijIpark to meet will the manager. However, he disagreed I insisted I come back after I finished high school.


It was dark & raining by the time we drove back home. By the time we got to the N1 onramp mom had to pull off the road & wait for the storm to settle before continuing the journey home. The atmosphere in the car during the hour long drive was palpable, not a word uttered by either of us.


I concluded & judged:

  • Mom's love is conditional to how I can benefit her

  • I'm not good enough to get job

  • If I don't earn money, I'm worthless.

  • Do as you're told irrespective of how it makes you feel.

  • My opinions & feelings are not important.

I came to expect:

  • I won't be valued unless I contribute financially

  • People will always use me for their benefit.

  • My opinions don't matter I will be dismissed.

  • I won't be heard.

I protected my heart by

  • Shutting up.

  • Complying & following orders.

  • Decided not to make waves.

  • Decided to be useful.

  • Became driven to earn my keep.

  • Sacrificed my own needs & opinions to keep the peace.

I came to believe that:

  • I'm worthless if I can't contribute financially

  • I have to earn my keep.

  • My opinions don't matter.

  • I'm not important

  • I'm not worth being taken care of

This resulted in various ungodly fruit:

  • Anger Outbursts

  • Fear of failure & success

  • Procrastination

  • Self Sabotage

  • Drivenness to do & be a contributor.

  • I was angry, but turned it inward.

If that fear / anger could talk, what would it say?

  • fear - I'll be rejected if I'm not contributing

  • anger - mom never considered / respected ME.

Having put to death all these lies, judgments, expectations & vows, I can now finally rest in the knowledge, that even if I don't do anything that brings in money, I'm still valuable & loved, not for what I can contribute, but for WHO I am.

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Reflecting on 2023


6 December 2023

Pastor David asked me to share a testimony during our  end of the year Thanksgiving Service...


Psalms‬ ‭103:2‭-‬5‬ ‭NIV‬‬

[2] Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits— [3] who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, [4] who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, [5] who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.


In January 2019, the Lord delivered me from a lifelong struggle with depression & suicidal thoughts after watching an online sermon. However, deliverance needs to go hand-in-hand with healing. We can't just clean the house by chasing the demons, but we also have to get rid of the reason why the strong man was there in the first place. Then we must dismantle the stronghold so God can become our refuge & stronghold, otherwise, when we experience a situation that triggers those old feelings, we'll reach for the familiar or we'll replace the false refuges with new ones. My strongholds remained & because my trauma hadn't been resolved, I merely replaced my false refuges with church, choir & serving. When lockdown came the mat was once again ripped out from under me but through God's divine intervention, I stumbled onto Sandra's online "Trauma Training" webinar during which I realised I was the one standing in the need of prayer.

Last January during my B-School small group prayer ministry the Holy Spirit revealed that I had judged mom & dad as cold, distant, emotionally unavailable & unloving. Dishonouring mom & dad set me up for a lifetime of reaping. I had vowed never to become like mom & dad but that didn't go well for me. When we judge, we doom ourselves to do the same things & subsequently I became cold, distant & emotionally unavailable. When my boys became older, they too became cold & distant. After all, children learn what they LIVE, right?

Scripture teaches us to honour Mom & Dad. Deuteronomy 5:16 (NASB1995) Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be prolonged and that it may go well with you on the land which the Lord your God gives you.

In every area where we dishonour mom & dad things won't go well with us & where my boys are concerned, things weren't going so well. As they got older, they too became cold, distant & withdrawn. After all, children learn what they LIVE, right? However, after repenting & apologising to my boys for my many mistakes as well as continuing to pursue my healing, our relationships have changed significantly in our family.

My biggest transformation happened at C-School in July last year when my strongholds of denial & shame were dismantled. At D-School hidden rebellion & self-hatred was dealt with resulting in a massive improvement in my allergic reactions to food. I can now eat cheese without getting migraines afterwards.

Running the Elijah House Encounter groups have been a massive learning experience for me. When the Lord prompted me to do it last year, my first response was a resounding "no ways, I'm ill-equipped & struggle with social anxiety. Surely, you can find someone better to do it!" but I have since learnt God can do more with my yes than I can do with all the education in the world. Courage & confidence follows OBEDIENCE! I've had to step way outside of my comfort zone & learn to trust that God would give me the ability to do what HE called me to do. I'm learning to lead, to trust, be authentic & also vulnerable enough to allow those around me to lift my arms when I feel weak. However I am now content with my weaknesses because God's grace is sufficient for me & His strength is revealed through my weakness.

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Lessons Learnt

10 January 2023

With everything I have learnt & recognising my own bad behaviours I can no longer look at others bad behaviour without wondering what traumas are at the root of it. These past 2 years have made a huge difference in my family's lives. As I've healed, I've seen much change happening in my family & because of the change he's seen in my life, Clive has also taken up pursuing his healing. Our 20-year-old has started to come out of his shell more & for the first time in his life I heard him say "I love you" in November.


Trauma compromises our ability to engage with others by replacing patterns of connection with patterns of protection.


Yes, our pain, trauma & feelings are valid, BUT this is about a journey of healing & restoration through discovering how we have sinfully responded to the offenses & traumatic events. It’s about forgiving those who hurt us from a healed heart & having our broken hearts mended like only Christ can so we can stop bleeding all over those around us. It's time to rediscover & BE the real YOU God has created you to be, not the boxed-up version society has forced you to become. It's time to learn to have FUN, to be still & rest on the Father's lap.


Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment & the handcuffs of hatred. It's the power that breaks the chains of bitterness & the shackles of selfishness - Corrie ten Boom


I discovered that those all those very noble causes I spent my life doing, church, choir & serving, were in fact, false refuges. Yes, I discovered the motive of my heart for doing all those things was a need to be needed & I was medicating my pain, not with alcohol, addictions, or other ugly habits, but with religion, serving & being a martyr to satisfy my need to be accepted & acknowledged. My sense of self-worth was wrapped up in serving others instead of my identity in Christ.


Parental inversion is not an easy sin to hate. The difficulty is that it has become for many the most noble definition of life; the sacrifice & service it involves are readily justified by Scripture. But God asks us to lay down our lives for others for His sake, rather than out of the impure motives of our wounded hearts. The problem is not what we are doing but WHY.


I spent my life suppressing, denying, minimising & hiding my pain. You know that LIE that all is well & I am FINE whilst internally falling apart, I've lived it for as long as I can remember. My fine meant Freaking Out - Insecure - Neurotic – Emotional but very few people would ever look you in the eye to search for the truth. We all know what Scripture says will happen to LIARS, right?


A crushed spirit affects us physically, emotionally, & spiritually. However, most people aren't aware of trauma's affects. Even science has proven that many aspects of physical illness are rooted in unresolved trauma because our bodies will manifest what we refuse to deal with. For example, cancer is rooted in bitterness & unforgiveness. Anger can affect your heart, gut & cause headaches. I've woken up every single morning with stomach cramps for decades, but they’ve been gone since D-School prayer ministry. If there's unexplainable aches & pain, even doctors can't find an answer to, it may be worth exploring whether it’s rooted in trauma.

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My Elijah House Healing Ministry Journey


20 November 2022

I have dealt with a lifetime of rejection, abandonment & displacement trauma resulting in a lifelong struggle with anxiety & high functioning depression, but when I felt rejected & abandoned by my leaders after as cell leader together with Clive, for 7 years, whilst dealing with various personal crisis, especially Oma Else's death in 2007, I broke & turned my back on Christianity & God. I thought Christians were meant to be different, loving, caring & kind but instead I experienced them ignoring the hurting & struggling. If that's Christianity, I wanted nothing to do with it any longer. That's when I flopped & my high functioning depression turned into a downward spiral of out-of-control numbness. Pain that's buried alive stays alive & over time it morphs & mutates until eventually, it comes out sideways, sometimes in violent outbursts & overreactions until it’s brought to death at the cross.

My brother, Stefan who ignored me for 30+ years because of the lies our mom & stepmother had told him but reached out to reconcile in October 2017 after the Lord had given him a dream in which I appeared at his work, with a little girl that he knew was being molested, asking him to help her. When I had my breakdown in February 2018, he took the first flight out to come support me for 10 days & to this day he messages almost daily even if just to say good morning/night.

God had allowed my structures to be overloaded so I could realise how much I really needed to come home to Him & the church... Then He miraculously drew me to the Northcross choir with a neighbourly post that was 3 years old & the choir director was willing to let me sing with them without being a member of the church but then during worship at our first performance I heard Him say: "Come home my child".

After coming back to Christ in January 2019 & joining Life NZ, I thought I was FINE, because God had delivered me from depression & I had church, choir, creative team, welcome team & serving in the soup kitchen. But then came lockdown, social distancing, vaccine passports & a host of lies, manipulation & control to rip the mat from under my feet...

However, when structures are dismantled, without dealing with the root, we'll find other ways to self-protect. During lockdown, I was also triggered back into deception, manipulation & control trauma resulting in suppressed anger finally hitting the surface & erupting like a volcano. That’s why I was heading back into depression when I was not able to go to church, sing in the choir & serve on team.

Today I am grateful that the Lord “stumbled” me across Elijah House Ministries during the first lockdown to set me on a journey of healing & restoration. I received an email from our Cleansing Stream intercessors leader introducing a webinar as as "trauma training" to teach us to pray effectively for others, because I would have never sought ministry for myself. One of my many inner vows was not to ask for help & I had judged early in life that I must help myself because nobody cares. I cried through most of the webinar but finally realised I needed help & signed up for personal prayer ministry with Sandra.

Unbeknown to me, she put me 3 hours a day for 3 days after receiving my life history form. There’s so much I could share from these 3 sessions alone, but I’ll just highlight a few

I learnt that we are called to judge as God's children & make accurate assessment of right & wrong. We must judge evil to do something about it, but when we are wounded, our assessments become defiled. We begin to judge the person & come to expect this is how life is going to go. Then like Job, we draw all those things we expect to us. I was stuck in so many double-binds resulting from all my wounding.

There was curse of Illegitimacy because of my brother being illegitimate as well as an abortion & the spirit of death had wrapped around me in the womb when I decided “I shouldn’t be here”.

  • All my life I’ve felt like an      outsider that doesn't fit.

  • Affects identity

Due to childhood emotional neglect as a little girl I would cry to get attention only to be scolded but that to me was better than no attention at all but that’s manipulation which Scripture likens to witchcraft. One of only 2 childhood memories I have, was having my head shoved under cold water. I gasped for air, decided  to never cry again & have suppressed tears & emotions ever since.

FOUNDATIONAL LIES that I had come to believe I were:

  • Worthless

  • Unwanted

  • Never good enough

  • A mistake

  • There's something wrong with      me

  • If I was a boy I would have      been loved more

  • My existence is a waste

Sandra’s Vision:

I see a little girl with an anvil above her head" A huge weight of LIES

Trauma of verbal abuse.

GOD'S TRUTH:

  • I have chosen you

  • I love you

  • You are worthy

  • Your are valuable

  • You are good enough

  • I will do what I have      promised.

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

Proverbs 31:10 KJV

An excellent woman [one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous], who is he who can find her? Her value is more precious than jewels and her worth is far above rubies or pearls.

Proverbs 31:10 AMP

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

Proverbs 31:10 NIV

EXCELLENT in the Hebrew means:

  • Might / mighty

  • Strength / strong

  • Power / powerful

  • Ability / able

  • Virtue / virtuous

  • Valour / courageous

  • Riches / wealthy

God has made you a little girl / woman of substance & wealth.

Instead of "this is who I am" vows became this is who I have to be/do.

In order to survive you had to go against who you were.

This is who you are little one:

You've felt helpless, powerless & terrorised all your life

BUT this is what the Lord says how He's made you.

A woman of might, strength, power, ability, virtue, valour, riches & substance.

"I see Jesus giving that little girl a crown. It's quite big crown. It's quite a weighty crown. It's real. It's gold but it's not too heavy for the little girl. It's not a burden for her to carry

Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.  James 1:2

Do not fear any of those things which you are about to suffer. Indeed, the devil is about to throw some of you into prison, that you may be tested, and you will have tribulation ten days. Be faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life. Revelations 2:10

God removed the orphaned spirit & gave me a spirit of sonship.

My perceived benefits of disconnection/dissociation/withdrawal:

  • Protection

  • Less hurt

  • Survival

BITTER ROOT EXPECTATION: of pain came through experience

  • I have to escape this pain      because I can't handle it & it's going to kill me.

INNER VOWS:

  • I won't speak up because it      makes things worse.

  • I won't fight against wrong      because it's no use.

  • Not to do that to my children      when I can't, I trigger back & feel like a failure.

Anger is a secondary emotion & almost always over pain.

  • Righteous anger over      injustice was suppressed.

  • When we judge, we become what      we judged.

  • Don't allow anger, but      suppressed anger turned inward & became depression.

  • I picked up where mom left of      & have been doing that to my own heart.

  • Angry at myself when I don't      do things just right.

I was created to be someone that protects but moved out of a place of identity into performance & there's condemnation & blame when I don't do it well or not as well as I think I need to but also a fleshly determination.

  • God created me to resist      evil.

  • I'm a woman of justice.

  • I want to fight for right.

  • I want to be a justice person      & bring about justice.

  • I want to heal.

  • I'm like my heavenly Father.

  • I'm a valiant warrior.

  • Daughter of the King (of      noble birth)

Word of Wisdom:

When parents affirm us, bIess us & compliment us, we have a shelves to receive affirmations, confirmations & blessings.

As I was praying I saw your shelf and there's holes in it, it's like it's really decaying. It's like it cannot hold weight. It's like there is no shelf inside you to receive affirmation, praise & compliments. Jesus is a carpenter & is able to take out the shelf that's actually rotting. We ask that You would build a new shelf, a huge shelf, Lord. Father, You bless & it's your blessing that sustains us, Your blessing that causes us to grow. Father, fill up every wound from things done & said, especially about her identity, who she is, what she does. Would You heal those wounds. Also heal the wounds & the holes from the lack of the necessary good thing, the lack of praise & encouragement. Father that little girl just needed encouragement & she began to lose her courage. Would You encourage her now, Father. Take away all the old soil & things she has been rooted in & held onto to keep her secure.

LOSSES

  • childhood

  • innocence

  • stability

  • safety

  • friends

  • 4 miscarried children

  • being able to say NO

  • generational grief

Jesus is acquainted with grief, a man of sorrow

My heart has taken a beating, not just from mom, dad & your brother, but also from myself.

Mom & dad neglected me, so I neglected myself

Mom & dad didn't know how to express love, I wasn’t able to express love to myself

Mom never encouraged me to be the best I could be & to call forth those girly things & my achievements, so I’ve been unable to do that for myself.

What mom did to me, I did to myself.

Mom refused to feel sorry for me & I was having a really hard time  to acknowledge my struggle.

I judged mom for not seeing / honouring my heart & for not letting me cry. I've turned around & dishonoured myself, my needs & my own heart.

fear of self-pity

pity = Sorrow for the suffering of another

When we refuse pity, we put up a wall that says " I don't want you to sorrow for my suffering.” Lord, would you break the power of that wall.

Why don't you do the" girly" things?

  • It's a waste of time

  • My existence is a waste      therefore I won't spend time, money & effort on me = huge dishonour of      me

Not loving & taking care of yourself is bad stewardship.

But the Lord, broke the patterns & has been teaching me how to do those things that I never learnt.

  • How to love myself without      being prideful

  • How to nurture myself &      others

Be still & know I am here.

INVEST:

The Lord wants you to invest in you personally. You're not a waste of time, money & effort.

What would that look like?

• Take time to discover what fills your creative well

• new haircut?

• new dress?

• Take the time & money you need for qualifications?

• How can l express the beauty of me?

Well, I assumed it to be education for trauma training, so I purchased & worked through a range of EH Materials & subsequently attended all the schools...

EH teaches us how strongholds develop & how to dismantle them.

A wise person scales the city of the mighty And brings down the stronghold in which they trust. Proverbs 20:22

“Footholds” are given to the enemy when we respond sinfully to trauma/offense.

26Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27and do not give the devil an opportunity. Ephesians 4:26-27

Demons take advantage.

I have learnt that if there’s present day fruit that’s unbecoming a Christian there’s a root & that or overreaction to offense indicated there's unresolved wounding. With the help of the Holy Spirit those roots can be discovered & brought to effective death at the cross of Christ so we can begin to learn to respond to offense to protect our hearts in new, Godly ways.

We need to identify recurring patterns - job losses, betrayals by friends, or personal characteristics which we resented, disliked, or hated in the primary people who raised us, but which we now recognise in our own lives.

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Wings of Prayer


29 August 2022

A couple of weeks ago I shared my testimony in church together with the announcement of starting up a Healing heARTs 💕 ministry. 


After the service, one of the members came to me with a challenge: He would pay me $500 to do a painting about the Wings of Prayer from Isaiah 40:31 because he was so touched by my message & exhibition. 

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