Today started on a very high note for me but ended in a tearful and challenging day. At the Market Makers meeting, something snapped in my heart when Pastor Jo closed the service just before Pastor Greg came up from behind and asked if I had been prayed for. I'm ashamed to admit that "Yup, I knew it; he's just like Dad; he doesn't care about me!" had popped up in my mind.

I composed myself and headed off to work. Elias was busy, so he suggested I head back home earlier than I had planned and come back after 1 p.m. when I could have his undivided attention to work through the things I needed his input on.

I didn't lie when I said I was going to be late because I had an unexpected visitor. The real reason Ester was here is that she came to check in and pray for me. She was there at Market Makers in the morning when I started to cry and held me long after everyone had left. She checked in later to see if there was anything she could do for me.

There are some areas of my heart where I've broken through and progressed beautifully, but a few remaining areas where I'm still a painful mess.

For decades my response to "How are you?"🤔 has been F.I.N.E.

• Freaked out

• Insecure

• Nerotic

• Emotional

I have intentionally stopped using fine as a response and instead started using "good" instead, however a few weeks ago, I realised that all I had really done was replace one word for another. In fact, it was still a cover-up for how I really felt.

I've been reading quite a bit lately...

• "Most often, those who hurt most are silent. For various reasons, we don't allow ourselves to experience the pain we feel. Therefore, the pain ends up being covered with work, alcohol, sex, drugs, depression, compulsive eating, dieting & the endless list of acting-out behaviours to alert observers that all is not well. Having failed to scream, we are now screaming through our disorders, addictions & compulsions. To scream is normal when facing tragic events. Not to scream may reveal the extent to which we are bleeding to death on the inside."

This quote from Failure to Scream by Robert Hicks resonates with me because I still do a fair amount of pushing down before I allow myself to grieve. "You should be beyond this!" a pastor told me years ago when I went to ask for help, so now I don't ask. "Just get the hell over it!" I so often tell myself.

After a lifetime of feeling numb due to boxing up emotions because I concluded emotions were dangerous, I now feel like I'm on a roller-coaster ride at the rapid pace the Holy Spirit has been resurfacing the unresolved trauma to unpack my box 📦& believe me, sometimes it's loudly buzzing with bugs. From time to time, the volcano of boxed-up emotions erupts & today was one of those days.

I'm still learning to feel my feelings &  scream my screams. Today, my heart's been screaming on so many levels & so many tears have been rolling down my cheeks due to the severe grief of not having a mother or father I can go to with my fears & insecurities for comfort & wisdom.

Apart from healing hearts, I'm an encourager, too, & I can often see more in people than they can see in themselves. I've also felt called to be a "Spiritual Mother" to others for decades & have always been one to take the motherless & fatherless amongst my peers under my wing even though I was burying my own grief of motherlessness & fatherlessness. This weighs rather heavy on me because I feel ill-equipped not having a "spiritual father or mother" myself & therefore no modelling to know what, how & when I should be doing it.

"The Cry for Spiritual Fathers & Mothers" by Larry Kreider has been on my bookshelf for years, waiting to be read. I finally picked it up to read this week & it's been pushing so many buttons...

• "As I travel the world training leaders and potential leaders, I see a consistent and desperate need for spiritual fathers and mothers to be in vital relationships with spiritual children. Whether they are new believers, Christians for many years, or pastors, the need is still the same. Deep down inside, many are longing for spiritual fathers and mothers.

• God calls us to become spiritual parents to prepare the next generation for spiritual parenthood. He desires to restore a sense of responsibility in spiritual fathers and mothers toward their children. Spiritual parenting fills the void and closes the gap of broken relationships between the old and the young.

• Wouldn’t it be great if someone saw your potential in Christ and decided to invest in your life? This is the point of a spiritual parenting relationship—we can go a lot further spiritually if we work together in family-like units to reach the world."

I've spent my life looking for a father figure to fill the gaping void Dad's absence left in my heart. As I was reading, it suddenly dawned💡on me that's precisely what Elias has been doing in so many ways. I can't express how grateful I am for the way he leads, even though I struggle to see in me what he & others see in me.

He's encouraged me in so many ways —my self-confidence and who I am in the Lord — he's pulled stuff out of me that nobody was ever able to pull out. He sees things nobody's ever noticed. Nobody's ever seen the glimpses of diamonds & gold in me... He stepped up to do what Dad so dismally failed to do, calling me forth into life to be ME. He didn't give up on me even when my heart thought it was just a matter of time before he'd be sick & tired of me.

I've been climbing the ladder of performance all my life. Neither my 2nd place in hurdles nor all my distinctions were ever acknowledged but criticised. Nobody came to cheer me on when I sang the solo or danced in the school plays... so when I came to him excited with what I had produced, like a little toddler would bring their drawing to mom & dad for acknowledgement, that's the wounded little girl inside hoping Dad will finally acknowledge her existence & achievements.

However, there's confusion that springs up my defences when I perceive his sudden change from gentle leader to "boss". There's a softness in his eyes and voice that disappears with the pressure he's under and it causes anxiety, a shutdown in trust and a temptation to hide until the softness returns and I feel safe enough to be at ease again. That's the change he sees in my eyes when he so often says, "There she is now!" And sometimes I get confused because I'm not sure where the boundaries of work and friendship are and am I even allowed to be my boss' friend? I need a friendship that lasts.

Over & over, I've waded my way across stormy uncharted waters, even learning to home-educate & write a blog to share what I discovered the hard way when school failed our boys, much like the 7-year-old in boarding school coming home to all the contents of her cupboard on the floor every day, with no reason why & no instructions on what was wrong & how to do it correctly. Just do it & when it's done, it's wrong. Once again, a task without parameters for me caused unfamiliar territories, chaos & overwhelm🤦‍♀️as seen with my response to Conference & Awards Finalist Interviews 😢 That seems to have been a pattern in my life & work. Creating order out of chaos & leaving procedure manuals for newcomers to follow. Did I mention I hate chaos?🤔 It messes with my OCD. Over & over, I've had to prove myself "good enough" to others & also myself.

Oh & then there's the case of that "Shame? Who? Me?" worksheet from the UNashamed teaching series I completed for the 3rd time on Wednesday evening. Imagine my disappointment when, although a few areas have improved, I realised my life is still pretty much shame-based & that's what's driving so many of my responses, causing the stubborn resistance to change as well as the imposter syndrome & constant feeling like an intruder & a burden. I guess the next 6 weeks are going to be a rough ride 🤦‍♀️Please pray for me as I pursue taking down the stronghold of shame in my life...

Sharing my breakthroughs (highlight reels) is easy for me, but allowing people into the struggles whilst I'm in there is not so much because, in the past, too many have left when the going got tough. All too often, I have something to say, but I just can't get the words out, so please hear what I'm NOT saying.

Healing from Complex PTSD is a challenging process with many ups and downs. Confronting trauma can sometimes worsen it before it improves. Childhood trauma often leads to ingrained coping mechanisms based on fight, flight, freeze, or please responses (I do all of these), which can resurface during stress.

To manage post-traumatic stress from child abuse or neglect, it's crucial to build resilience. Despite effective therapy & healing, breaking away from these ingrained survival strategies can be difficult, and old patterns may re-emerge from time to time.

I continue to pray for enlarged capacity & the ability to keep my heart ❤️ open even when it hurts & I'm afraid of intimacy (in-to-me-see) with God & others.

I'm grateful for those who are walking this journey with me as I navigate my way through the maze of emotions & sinful responses that need to be uncovered & brought to death at the cross. I'm grateful for those around me who are so patiently loving💞 me back to life!