Thank you all for your prayers this morning. I truly felt it shift the atmosphere.

During our UNashamed lesson, I've connected some important dots. The displacement trauma I experienced, having attended 13 schools and moved 30 times by the time I turned 18, has led me to spend my life as the "new kid on the block." I tried to fit into new environments but eventually chose to disconnect instead.

This has resulted in social anxiety and apprehension about attending the upcoming function with 350 unfamiliar faces, especially given my responsibilities as a representative of Christ and my job. I will pray about this tomorrow and should be ready to embrace the challenge on Friday. It’s not by power or might but by God's Spirit. He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of love 💕, power 💪, and a sound mind. His strength will be revealed in my weakness.

This morning, I'm standing in need of prayer🙏 as the internal pressure is mounting in the lead-up to my work's Awards Gala Dinner on Friday night. We're pretty much on top of all the backstage stuff, but the magnitude of "Being the Beautiful Assistant" on stage as a representative of Christ & CCNNZ just hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. So what's the big deal with that, some might ask?🤔 I'm a DOER by nature. Thus, "I'm a human BEing, not a human DOing" doesn't come naturally to me.

Those who know my story about "Investing in ME" may recognise the struggle. Those who don't can find it here https://youtu.be/nOcXAA7xc-g?si=5kE9ycEyZPCSNcWX

I've checked off all but one item on this list. I am down to "How do I express the beauty of ME?" How hard can that be, right?🤔 For me, it seems like an insurmountable mountain.

Had I not wrestled with God's promptings to invest for four years, I would have been an expert at applying makeup and being beautiful by now. But NO, I was stubborn and rebellious because I didn't want to be seen, so now I'm wrestling with the fear of messing up and being an embarrassment. Added to that, I'm beating myself up for not having responded sooner.

There's this tug-of-war between the warrior inside wanting to arise from the ashes and the little girl hiding in the closet for fear of being seen and humiliated or causing shame and disappointment for others. Dang, this stronghold of shame must come down!

I finally invested in make-up & now I have 3 days left to learn to use it for Friday's awards gala dinner.

Had I not resisted God's promptings to invest for 4 the last years, I would have been an expert by now, but NO, Patrizia was stubborn & rebellious, so now I'm having to learn the hard way.

Unfortunately, repentance doesn't remove the consequences of disobedience.

Everytime I think I'm done with my invest list, I hear the Lord say: "Wait, there's more."

How much more I wonder. I thought I'd checked it all off now but no, apparently having worn make-up at our wedding vow renewals, was not enough. I had to INVEST, since at this point in time I didn't own any.

So, with Ester's help, and just over $300 later, I checked off another item on my 4-year-old "Invest" list today. And we had loads of fun doing it whilst she got to try out the products on my face.

Now I'm down to the last one: "How do I express the beauty of me?"

This week, I had the joy of posting the remaining invitations. It might seem like a small task to some, but for me, it was a pleasure—because servanthood is in my spirit. Helping and supporting others is part of who I am. It energises me. It reminds me why I’m here.

“Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant.” – Matthew 20:26 (NIV)

I also saw your message about the minutes—no, it didn’t upset me at all. I simply hadn’t had the chance to respond. I’ve been focused on the awards and, truthfully, haven’t touched work since I got home. I’ve been trying to be intentional about drawing boundaries and leaving work at the office—unless it’s urgent. I’ll tidy that up tomorrow.

But can I be honest? What really tugged at my heart wasn’t the work—it was watching you crack under the pressure.

And not being able to help.

I could see the stress building, the weight on your shoulders. And even though I’m relieved to see some of that pressure lifting now, the way it played out left an impression. You reminded me of some of my past bosses—ones who led with intensity and frustration. A few years ago, I probably would’ve shrunk in fear. But healing has taught me that anger is almost always a secondary emotion.

Anger often masks grief. Or frustration. Fear. Overwhelm. Wounds we haven’t yet addressed.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” – Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)

If that anger had a voice—what would it say?

This week, the burden I’ve carried has gone far deeper than any task or responsibility. I’ve witnessed reactions that grieve the heart of God—not because He’s angry, but because He longs to heal us. To soften those places so we can respond, not from hurt or pressure, but from wholeness and love.

As your sister in Christ, I want to gently encourage you: make time to pursue your healing.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” – Psalm 147:3 (NIV)

When we don’t, God—out of His great love—will sometimes allow our structures, systems, and plans to stretch beyond their limits. Not to punish us, but to bring us to the end of ourselves, so we turn back to Him. That’s burnout. And it’s not something I want anyone to experience the way I did.

So, what could work better for us in the future? It’s simple—let me do what I’m called to do. Not just for the organisation, but for you. I’m here to help. I want to carry the load with you, not just behind you.

Saturday’s workshop was a turning point for me. I walked in thinking I had unresolved wounding. But what I found instead was identity—a clearer picture of who God created me to be. I’m a Doer, a Responder, a Producer, and a Shaper. My spiritual gifts are service, mercy, generosity, administration, and exhortation.

“We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us.” – Romans 12:6 (NIV)

For years, the enemy twisted those gifts into people-pleasing and performance. But those lies have been crucified with Christ. What’s left is a servant heart led by grace and excellence—not perfection.

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” – Galatians 5:1 (NIV)

This is where I thrive. This is how I serve.

I haven’t had time to write my “UGLY” yet (Unhealed, Gifted, Loved You), but I’ve attached my Life Languages notes if you’d like to take a look. I would’ve shared them sooner, but truthfully, the emotional climate wasn’t safe at the time. Still, I extend grace. I forgive. I move forward in love.

Because I believe with all my heart: there is a new level of influence waiting for you—on the other side of healing. Not one built on striving, but on surrender. Not led by stress, but by Spirit.

Let’s not just serve together—let’s heal together too.

Reflection & Prayer

Take a moment to pause and consider:

• Where have I allowed stress      to lead instead of the Spirit?

• What emotions have I buried      under frustration or anger?

• Is there a part of me crying      out for healing?

Let’s pray:

Father God, thank You for Your endless patience and love. Thank You for calling us into deeper healing, not just for ourselves, but for those we walk with. Reveal the places in us where we’ve been carrying pressure alone. Help us to surrender, to trust, and to rest in the truth that You are our healer and strength. Teach us to walk in our true identity, unshackled by performance or fear. Let our service be a reflection of Your grace and not our striving. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Let me know if you'd like a version of this formatted for a devotional, a spoken message, or social media snippets.

For those who've been wondering about the photoshoot photos? 🤔

Honestly, I still prefer to be on the other side of the camera. Sitting down on the other side of the camera, anticipating the photoshoot, left me feeling quite awkward. I'm usually the one taking the photos and am quite happy having it that way. So much so that in 2007, after Oma Else died and I had a conversation with my cousin whom I hadn't seen in 34 years, I couldn't provide him with a recent photo of me because I had none.

I've become more intentional about doing these things, and I'm growing more confident. Yet I'm still uncomfortable with dressing up, makeup, and posing, but I'm celebrating small victories and trusting God's plan to help me as I learn to fully embrace my femininity.

I'm reminded again of Sandra's word to me during prayer ministry on 4 June 2020. Now that it's mostly checked off, I'm still working on that last point, which is the hardest for someone who prefers to hide.

The Lord wants you to invest in you personally. You're not a waste of time, money & effort.

What would that look like?

• Take time to discover what fills your creative well. ✔️

• New haircut?✔️

• New dress?✔️I had to invest in a whole new wardrobe because I didn't own any dresses.

• Take the time & money you      need for qualifications?✔️

• How can l express the beauty of ME?"

I've come a long way... BUT God's not finished with me yet.

I constantly have to remind myself it's a process, not a race or instant fix... next week, I have to add heels 👠 for a gala dinner 🍽 😏💃

Bathroom "selfie"... when your buddy pops in at your office on short notice to "fix up" your face for a photo shoot.

It's not a look you'll see all that often, so don't expect it as a regular occurrence. At this stage dresses are still reserved for Sunday morning worship team. I have not yet fully embraced them for everyday attire. As for make-up, yeah God's still working on that and we'll see soon enough how long it takes before that becomes a regular occurence.

I’m incredibly grateful for the friends and community that the Lord has placed in my life recently. I wouldn't have been able to navigate all the ups and downs I've experienced without them.

Thanks to my friend, Ester Kanaway, for popping in at the drop of a hat to make me more presentable for the company photos. You're the definition of a true friend. I'm told I looked at $1,000,000 today & couldn't have done it without her.

I woke up to this message from Ouboet on WhatsApp this morning...

💕

Each of us has a special place where we escape from our lives to break away from the sick, heartless, rushed, or overcrowded world. There, where our greatest needs and dreams arise and begin to grow within us. There, where we can shelter from our most unpleasant experiences, worries, and fears.

However, at times, someone comes along and, unnoticed, in an indescribable and remarkable way, manages to infiltrate this place quietly, leaving deep traces and making themselves at home amidst all our needs, desires, hopes, uncertainties, and fears. We allow them to share with us what is sensitive, valuable, and emotional to us, to share what no one else may share: our deepest heart secrets, concerns, needs, expectations, joys, and fears.

Within our hidden kingdom of wealth, they now create new perspectives and thus also on our lives and views. They unexpectedly open new windows and/or doors, give us new life expectations and prospects and bring out the best (unfortunately, sometimes also the worst) in us. They unknowingly claim for themselves a special hidden place or corner in our midst (hearts), and leave a remarkable footprint in our deepest beings.

♡💕♡

And then his added note that brought me to tears:

💕I had clearly written her name in the sand when we were younger, and the wind gently, slowly blew it away. But now, I have written her name in my heart where it belongs, where no rust destroys, and thieves cannot break in and steal. There in my special place, where I may and can cherish, care for, and protect it with love.

❤️Sweetheart. May she now forever make her home there with those who have become special to me over time. Yes, forever is a long time, just like never and always, right - forever, until the Lord comes to fetch us. May it bring her joy and comfort - infinitely and carry her through the length of days💖

💖💕❤️

I waited 30 years for this reconciliation 💕 Thank You, Lord, for turning Ouboet's heart 💖 back to his little sister ❤️ Ever since first reaching out to reconcile in October 2017, & his visit in April 2018, he's been my greatest cheerleader & a constant source of encouragement when the going is tough.

Today started on a very high note for me but ended in a tearful & challenging day. At the Market Makers meeting, something snapped in my heart when Pastor Jo closed the service just before Pastor Greg came up from behind & asked if I had been prayed for. I'm ashamed to admit, "Yup, I knew it; he's just like Dad; he doesn't care about me!" had popped up in my mind.

I composed myself and headed off to work. Elias was busy, so he suggested I head back home earlier than I had planned and come back after 1 p.m. when I could have his undivided attention to work through the things I needed his input on.

I didn't lie when I said I was going to be late because I had an unexpected visitor, but the real reason Ester was here is that she came to pray with me because she was there at Market Makers in the morning when I started to cry & held me long after everyone had left. She had checked in later to see if there was anything she could do for me...

There are some areas of my heart where I've broken through & progressed beautifully, but a few remaining areas where I'm still a painful mess.

I've been reading quite a bit lately...

• "Most often, those who hurt most are silent. For various reasons, we don't allow ourselves to experience the pain we feel. Therefore, the pain ends up being covered with work, alcohol, sex, drugs, depression,  compulsive eating, dieting & the endless list of acting-out behaviours to alert observers that all is not well. Having failed to scream, we are now screaming through our disorders, addictions & compulsions. To scream is normal when facing tragic events. Not to scream may reveal the extent to which we are bleeding to death on the inside."

This quote from Failure to Scream by Robert Hicks resonates with me because I still do a fair amount of pushing down before I allow myself to grieve. "You should be beyond this!" a pastor told me years ago when I went to ask for help, so now I don't ask. "Just get the hell over it!" I so often tell myself.

After a lifetime of feeling numb due to boxing up emotions because I concluded emotions were dangerous, I now feel like I'm on a roller-coaster ride at the rapid pace the Holy Spirit has been resurfacing the unresolved trauma to unpack my box 📦& believe me, sometimes it's loudly buzzing with bugs. From time to time, the volcano of boxed-up emotions erupts & today was one of those days.

I'm still learning to feel my feelings &  scream my screams. Today, my heart's been screaming on so many levels & so many tears have been rolling down my cheeks due to the severe grief of not having a mother or father I can go to with my fears & insecurities for comfort & wisdom.

Apart from healing hearts, I'm an encourager, too, & I can often see more in people than they can see in themselves. I've also felt called to be a "Spiritual Mother" to others for decades & have always been one to take the motherless & fatherless amongst my peers under my wing even though I was burying my own grief of motherlessness & fatherlessness. This weighs rather heavy on me because I feel ill-equipped not having a "spiritual father or mother" myself & therefore no modelling to know what, how & when I should be doing it.

"The Cry for Spiritual Fathers & Mothers" by Larry Kreider has been on my bookshelf for years, waiting to be read. I finally picked it up to read this week & it's been pushing so many buttons...

• "As I travel the world training leaders and potential leaders, I see a consistent and desperate need for spiritual fathers and mothers to be in vital relationships with spiritual children. Whether they are new believers, Christians for many years, or pastors, the need is still the same. Deep down inside, many are longing for spiritual fathers and mothers.

• God calls us to become spiritual parents to prepare the next generation for spiritual parenthood. He desires to restore a sense of responsibility in spiritual fathers and mothers toward their children. Spiritual parenting fills the void and closes the gap of broken relationships between the old and the young.

• Wouldn’t it be great if someone saw your potential in Christ and decided to invest in your life? This is the point of a spiritual parenting relationship—we can go a lot further spiritually if we work together in family-like units to reach the world."

I've spent my life looking for a father figure to fill the gaping void Dad's absence left in my heart. As I was reading, it suddenly dawned💡on me that's precisely what Elias has been doing. I can't express how grateful I am for the way he leads, even though I struggle to see in me what he & others see in me.

He's encouraged me in so many ways —my self-confidence and who I am in the Lord — he's pulled stuff out of me that nobody was ever able to pull out. He sees things nobody's ever noticed. Nobody's ever seen the glimpses of diamonds & gold in me... He stepped up to do what Dad so dismally failed to do, calling me forth into life to be ME. He didn't give up on me even when my heart thought it was just a matter of time before he'd be sick & tired of me.

I've been climbing the ladder of performance all my life. Neither my 2nd place in hurdles nor all my distinctions were ever acknowledged but criticised. Nobody came to cheer me on when I sang the solo or danced in the school plays... so when I came to him excited with what I had produced, like a little toddler would bring their drawing to mom & dad for acknowledgement, that's the wounded little girl inside hoping Dad will finally acknowledge her existence & achievements.

However, there's confusion that springs up my defences when I perceive his sudden change from gentle leader to "boss". There's a softness in his eyes & voice that disappears with the pressure he's under & it causes anxiety, a shutdown in trust & a temptation to hide until the softness returns & I feel safe enough to be at ease again. That's the change he sees in my eyes when he so often says, "There she is now!" And sometimes I get confused because I'm not sure where the boundaries of work & friendship are & am I even allowed to be my boss' friend? I need a friendship that lasts.

Over & over, I've waded my way across stormy uncharted waters, even learning to home-educate & write a blog to share what I discovered the hard way when school failed our boys, much like the 7-year-old in boarding school coming home to all the contents of her cupboard on the floor every day, with no reason why & no instructions on what was wrong & how to do it correctly. Just do it & when it's done, it's wrong. Once again, a task without parameters for me caused unfamiliar territories, chaos & overwhelm🤦‍♀️as seen with my response to Conference & Awards Finalist Interviews 😢 That seems to have been a pattern in my life & work. Creating order out of chaos & leaving procedure manuals for newcomers to follow. Did I mention I hate chaos?🤔 It messes with my OCD. Over & over, I've had to prove myself "good enough" to others & also myself.

Oh & then there's the case of that "Shame? Who? Me?" worksheet from the UNashamed teaching series I completed for the 3rd time on Wednesday evening. Imagine my disappointment when, although a few areas have improved, I realised my life is still pretty much shame-based & that's what's driving so many of my responses, causing the stubborn resistance to change as well as the imposter syndrome & constant feeling like an intruder & a burden. I guess the next 6 weeks are going to be a rough ride 🤦‍♀️Please pray for me as I pursue taking down the stronghold of shame in my life...

Sharing my breakthroughs (highlight reels) is easy for me, but allowing people into the struggles whilst I'm in there is not so much because, in the past, too many have left when the going got tough. All too often, I have something to say, but I just can't get the words out, so please hear what I'm NOT saying.

Healing from Complex PTSD is a challenging process with many ups and downs. Confronting trauma can sometimes worsen it before it improves. Childhood trauma often leads to ingrained coping mechanisms based on fight, flight, freeze, or please responses (I do all of these), which can resurface during stress.

To manage post-traumatic stress from child abuse or neglect, it's crucial to build resilience. Despite effective therapy & healing, breaking away from these ingrained survival strategies can be difficult, and old patterns may re-emerge from time to time.

I continue to pray for enlarged capacity & the ability to keep my heart ❤️ open even when it hurts & I'm afraid of intimacy (in-to-me-see) with God & others.

I'm grateful for those who are walking this journey with me as I navigate my way through the maze of emotions & sinful responses that need to be uncovered & brought to death at the cross. I'm grateful for those around me who are so patiently loving💞 me back to life!

Two weeks ago, on Monday morning, after my experience with writing "I am loved" on 21 canvases for the Sunday school paint party (https://www.trixiscreations.com/post/uitskryf-werk), our Elijah House Keynote lesson was "How we See God." This lesson deals with how we perceive God through our trauma-tainted lenses. I have seen this lesson at least 6 times before, but this time I was undone & ended up receiving prayer ministry from Ester & Rose.

During prayer ministry, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that the reason I was unable to accept that I am loved in spite of all the evidence that I am loved was that my perception & definition of love had been warped due to childhood neglect and wounding. I had come to believe & expect that to be loved was to be neglected, reprimanded, criticised, ignored, and treated unkindly. My identification of love was all skewed.

Knowledge will never overwrite experience, and even though I knew the Biblical definition of love that corresponds with my current experience, the battle between my head and my heart was fierce. Deep down in my heart, I was still expecting what I had come to believe is love before I could feel I was loved.

‭‭1 Corinthians 13:4-8 AMP‬‬

[4] Love endures with patience and serenity; love is kind and thoughtful and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. [5] It is not rude; it is not self-seeking; it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. [6] It does not rejoice at injustice but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. [7] Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], and endures all things [without weakening]. [8] Love never fails [it never fades nor ends]. But as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for the gift of special knowledge, it will pass away.

Even though I had learnt to treat others with love, kindness, dignity, and respect, I wasn't able to receive it for myself, nor was I able to treat myself in the same way.

Then, to rub it all in, on Thursday morning, at Business Leadership Group, John Maxwell's lesson dealt with his most important relationship with God & how often we have a wrong picture of God, which causes us to misunderstand & miss out on having a relationship with Him.

1. Fence

Sometimes we see God as a fence or wall that's really tall, forbidding, without doors or openings, and no way around it. We may believe in Him, but He's unreachable on the other side of the fence/wall, and there's no way to reach Him.

1. Ladder

Sometimes we see Him as a ladder that we need to climb by doing good works, doing all the right things, & trying to be a good person. We hope that if we're "good enough," we can work our way to God.

1. Garbage Can

And sometimes, we see all the negative things about ourselves that we've done, & we're looking at a filthy garbage can, and we're ashamed and feel unworthy to see God. We think we've done too much wrong, & God wouldn't want to see us, so we avoid Him."

1. Door

God is standing at the door of our hearts, gently knocking & asking to come into those unbelieving areas where we're trying to bring order by ourselves before letting Him in.

Jesus wants us to invite Him into the broken places of our hearts — deep into the core of who we are. He wants us to yield to the process so we can be filled & restored to our original design.

Already, whilst watching the video, I became emotional, felt the tears well up, and realised I didn't have any tissues in my pockets. Then it came my turn to read the paragraph, "God wants us to know Him. He wants a relationship with us. And you need to understand something. If God is 1,000 steps away from you, He will take the first 999 steps to get to you. All He asks you & me to do is take one step." By the time I got to 999, I lost my composure and ran out of the meeting in tears. My first instinct was to get into my car and rush back home, but instead I ran up to the bathroom to let the tears flow, composed myself, and a few minutes later, headed back into the meeting.

The reflection questions are always the hardest for me; however, here's how I related to these four pictures of God:

When I hardened my heart even before birth, when I felt the unsafe post-abortion environment, I built the wall that shut God and others out. I've subsequently spent my life trying to climb the ladder of doing & am still struggling with the garbage of my mistakes, which has prevented me from fully stepping through the door that I've seen in visions on numerous occasions during prayer ministry. He left the 99 to come find ME!

I recognise that I need to be more intentional about recognising when I'm tempted to put up walls, climb the ladder, or revert back to the garbage can when I'm dealing with issues that seem too hard to face.

My battle is not yet over, because last night we started Sandra's UNashamed teaching series, and from the get-go, even though this was my 3rd time working through the "Shame? Who? Me?" worksheet, and I have improved in many areas, but my life is still pretty much shame-based.

I'm grateful that God has placed me in a family to help me through the process of sanctification and transformation so He may be glorified.

And still, God's love, kindness, and favour are pouring in. I just received this from my brother on WhatsApp, and he even included a beautiful poem for me...❤️ Sometimes these posts come when least expected, but always when they're needed.

💕Jesus Loves Me💕
*For the elderly*

While watching a little TV on Sunday instead of going to church, I watched a Church in Atlanta honouring one of its senior pastors who had been retired many years. He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the Church even bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age. After a warm welcome introduction of this speaker, as the applause quieted down, he rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gate to the podium. Without a note or written paper of any kind he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak.

"When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50 odd years of preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials. The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heartbreak and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me... The only thing that would comfort was this verse...:

"Jesus loves me this I know.
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong.
We are weak but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me... x3
The Bible tells me so." "

When he finished, the church was quiet. You actually could hear his footsteps as he shuffled back to his chair. I don't believe I will ever forget it.

A pastor once stated: "I always noticed that it was the adults who chose the children's hymn 'Jesus Loves Me' (for the children of course) during a hymn singing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest, because I could see they knew it the best."

Senior version of:
"Jesus Loves Me"
Here is a new version for those who have white hair or no hair at all; for those over middle age (or even those almost there) and all others who dare to enjoy.

💖Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair are white as snow
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me: trust in Him.

CHORUS
《YES, JESUS LOVES ME.
YES, JESUS LOVES ME.
YES, JESUS LOVES ME.
THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.》

Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I'll go.
In rough times, let come what may,
He'll be there to lead the way.

CHORUS《 ... 》

When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song.
Telling me in words so clear,
"Have no fear, for I am near."

CHORUS《 ... 》

When my work on earth is done,
And life's vict'ries have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I'll understand His love.

CHORUS《 ... 》

I love Jesus, does He know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say,
That I love Him every day.

CHORUS《 ... 》

......

Every day is a gift ..
that's why it's called ...the Present.

Feel free to pass it on
"Reach out and Touch"
a friend;
a loved one;)))

or a neady heart.

Therefor may this to you truely be a present from this day onwards. As from my side:

❤️ Yes, Jesus loves you...x3
The Bible tells me so.

Ev'ry day's a gift of God.
Treasure it, and let it not
all go by without to say
that you love Him true today.

Chorus
For Jesus loves you
like He loves me too.
Yes it is all true.
The Bible tells us so.

As we close our eyes tonight
may this song bring you delight.
He'll be there 'till comes day light;
always being by our side.

Chorus
For Jesus loves you
like He loves me too.
Yes it is all true.
The Bible tells us so.

May Lords Hand guard over you,
noting that you love Him too.
May your heart be ever true
and your soal stay good as new.

Yes, Jesus loves you.
like Jesus loves me.
Yes, I know He does too.
The Bible tells me so.📷

Hebrews 4:15-16 reminds us that we have a high priest who empathises with our weaknesses, having been tempted in every way, yet without sin. He encourages us to approach God's throne of grace with confidence, to receive mercy and find grace in our time of need.

The concept of **hematidrosis** (or sweating blood) is a rare but real condition, often associated with extreme stress or fear. Jesus' experience in the Garden of Gethsemane, where He sweat blood, underscores the immense emotional and physical agony He endured on our behalf.

Vulnerability and processing emotions is crucial. Jesus' openness in His time of grief and His request for companionship highlight the importance of community and honesty in our own struggles. It's a powerful reminder that even in our deepest pain, we can turn to God and those around us for support.

When my boss tells me not to beat myself up, it feels a little too late for that. I've been doing just that since before I left work, over mistakes I've made. On a positive note, though, it’s not as intense as it used to be.

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm in a pressure cooker. Even my watch keeps reminding me to breathe, and I can feel it manifesting in my body—turns out the coughing is due to asthma, which tends to flare up every couple of decades when something triggers this extreme anxiety. I suspect the backaches might be related as well. 

Something about the awards interviews has been stressing me out, and I can't pinpoint why. Proving myself to myself is not an easy task. 🤦‍♀️ This morning, I realized I gave someone the wrong date, which makes me feel quite foolish. After all my triple-checking, I'm now tempted to check everything repeatedly. 🤦‍♀️🤔 I’ll probably relax once the interviews are over and nothing has gone wrong.

At least I’m learning to write apology emails… Oh, the shame! I suspect the upcoming series on shame will help me break down some strongholds. I hear the Lord saying there’s more to come.

I’ll get there if it’s the last thing I do. It’s not by power or might, but by the Spirit of the Lord. In my weakness, God’s strength will be revealed. Just as Jesus endured the cross for the joy set before Him, I can embrace this difficult journey because the breakthrough will lead to greater freedom.

Death is not the greatest loss in life...

The greatest loss is what dies inside of us whilst we're still alive.

Too many people die with unsung songs in their hearts.

Live full, die Empty

God comes into situations of chaos to bring order

SHALOM → absence of chaos

GRACE → Empowering presence to do what He called us to do

When we're triggered, all rational thinking goes out the window, and the battle between the head and the heart kicks in.

Unresolved trauma is stored as raw data in the amygdala, which is almost mature at birth.

The amygdala:

• Processes emotional value & stimulus

• Bypasses language & cognition

• Overrides the prefrontal cortex (rational thinking

• Overrides neo-cortex (logic)

• Shame defies logic & reason because it lives in the amygdala

We also know that the heart always wins when there's a battle between the head and the heart. It's what's in the heart that defiles us.

The judgments, expectations, inner vows and lies that we have come to believe in childhood take on a life of their own & when we're squeezed through stress & pressure, what's in the heart pours out of us.

Sometimes, we meet people who "push all our buttons" & trigger us into oblivion. These people create an opportunity for us to dig deeper to find out why those buttons exist so we can bring healing to the wounds & put our sinful responses to death on the cross. We don't need to remain trapped in those old ways of responding & bleeding all over those around us...

Healing is hard, but so is remaining in pain... CHOOSE your hard.

On the other side of healing is FREEDOM, joy & peace.

En daar tjank ek toe snot en trane want die Here gee vir my uit-skryf-werk.

Once again, God is up to something...

This morning I spent an hour pre-tracing these canvases for tomorrow's children's church paint party and then I felt prompted to do the text with sharpie so that it would still be visible after painting the heart.

What I didn't anticipate, however, was the inner turmoil that would result after having spent the last few weeks with overwhelm of out of control & chaos. Then this week I wrestled with intense feelings of being an intruder with no idea where that's coming from. 🤔

Back in the day, my stepdad used to tell us to think before we speak, every time we had something to say, but somewhere along the line I got stuck at thinking.🤔 It's amazing how much overthinking one can do whilst doing such a mundane task for 2 hours.

With each canvas, taking about 10 minutes, I felt like a schoolgirl being disciplined or corrected.

• You are loved

• You are loved

• You are loved

• …… x 18

Before I knew it, I was bawling my eyes out. When Clive found me crying & asked why, all that came out was: "Want die Here gee vir my uitskryf werk!" (Because the Lord gave me write-out work!) His first response was hysterical laughing, but then he noted there's been more than enough evidence that I am indeed loved very much & the reason I'm finding it so hard to accept is that I do not love myself.

I've been seeing God's kindness & favour in big & small ways all over of late. Dad's "Me too!" after I plucked up the courage to tell him I love him, struck quite a nerve.

The heart of stone must be loved back to life by Christ THROUGH his people. I'm truly grateful for the people He has placed in my life to love me back to life. My stony heart is melting slowly with daily, intentional efforts to keep my heart open even when it hurts. However, there are still some unbelieving areas of my heart that have yet to be to be touched & overcome by the love of Christ in this journey of sanctification & transformation.

And so, thank You Lord, that You are with me in the fire & that it's all unto something. What the enemy meant for evil, You will use for good. Thank you for Your oil of joy & peace that surpasses all understanding.

And so, Father in any area of my life where I've come to believe False Evidence Appearing Real, would You shine your light on the LIES & help me to bring all fear to effective death at the Cross of Christ. Help me uproot every area of my life that is producing fruit that's unbecoming & doesn't bring You glory.

Holy Spirit, I invite You in Your fullness into every place within my heart where there's a fear of vulnerability or there might even be a fear of opening up that door or a fear Lord, of how messy it might be or that I might cry in front of someone. Lord, would you give me safe people that I can be open & vulnerable with.

Lord, I pray that You would draw to the cross the fears, anxieties & old ways of having to be proper, sophisticated & have it all together. Lord, would You release Your grace today.

Lord, release Your peace. Release Your perfect love which casts out all fear. Release Your honour which would cast out the shame on this journey.

Jesus, I need more of You. And so, Lord, if there's anything obstructing or hindering that I would be with You, I give You permission today to reveal it to me. Give me the will to do Your will to do Your good pleasure today. Thank You Lord.

In Jesus's Name I pray

Amen

Imagine my surprise last Sunday when one of our elders messaged me to ask if I'd be willing do a paint party for the children's church to kick off the new term, that's about 20 children. However, I was already scheduled to be on worship team so now I'm doing said paint party this coming weekend during the morning service...

Then, fortunately I was up at like 5h30 this morning & when, to my surprise, around 6am dad phoned. A man who in the past wouldn't speak more than 2 or 3 sentences suddenly chatting for 25 minutes. That must be a new record. Just before he hung up, I told him I love him & for the first time in my life he replied: "you too!" That's the closest I've ever gotten to the "I love you" from dad that I've been waiting 54 years to year.

Could it be this prophecy I received from Pastor Mike Berry in November 1991 is finally being fulfilled?🤔

"There's been a war in your house, a tremendous war. It's almost been times where it's been extremely violent & it's principality & powers that's warred against you.

And it's been times when you've prayed & prayed: "God give deliverance! God give deliverance!" And you didn't even think God was listening to you. You felt like God has shut the heavens against you & you said: "I don't know how God's going to answer."

But it's been like a braze from heaven. God is breaking through right now. And the thing He's promised you in your prayer times & the times that you've worshipped God in this place & the things that you're seen in your life, God has come through & revealed things to you. God is going to do that in your life & in your family's life.

He's going to set that place free & break that spirit that's been over that place in the Name of Jesus!

He's going to turn the hearts of the sons to their fathers the hearts of the fathers to their sons. He's going to remove the heart of stone & give you a heart of flesh."

It took me almost 30 years to realise the heart of stone he was speaking about was mine...

I never argued and fitted in exactly with what others thought was right for me to do. I never realised just how passive I really was, having deeply buried my emotions and personhood to the point that I did not know I had them!

We form hearts of stone early in childhood as a defence to shield ourselves from pain. These barriers are reinforced by our judgments, expectations, and inner vows, ultimately leading to a profound sense of loneliness, even when surrounded by friends. A heart of stone is by nature private, tends to die slowly & affects relationship with Christ.

The heart of stone must be loved back to life by Christ & He does that THROUGH His children, through love, nurture, fellowship, appropriate touch & hugs in community with others. It needs relationship. It needs God with skin on! It needs to know it's a person with feelings and needs.

Over the past few months I've been very intentional in building relationships, loving others back to life & allowing others to do the same for me. Sandra says we need at least 12 hugs a day to survive, so I give lots of hugs & in giving hugs we also receive them.

When you come across a heart of stone pushing back, love louder. Allow Christ's love & compassion to flow through you to love them back to life.

Lately I'm seeing the Lord's favour in the most unexpected places...

I received this via WhatsApp from a dear friend this evening: "In my study through the Psalms, I came across this verse today: Psalm 17:8 "Keep me as the apple of Your eye."

The word apple is the Hebrew word for pupil of the eye and the word "eye" is the word bath in Hebrew that means "daughter". My interpretation of this is: Keep me, Your daughter, in the center of Your sight.

The rest of the verse says: "Hide me under the shadow of Your wings." Which is a reminder of Psalm 91.

God has His eyes fixed on you and He is covering you under the feathers of His wings."

"You Are Loved!" is the painting chosen for this weekend's painting... how fitting... as it speaks to my own heart today.

Once again I heard the Lord say: "Invest!", as I was spending time with Him in the early hours this morning.

A few weeks ago I shared my story of invest & what it could look like, that has now been checked off in full after wrestling with it for 4 years, with Peter, our Elijah House leader on the North Shore. He saw it very differently from how I saw it. He saw it as God investing in me because He's going to get a big return for the Kingdom.

I feel like the Lord is saying the time, energy and resources being invested in Healing heARTs & CCNNZ will bring a mighty harvest for His Kingdom.

Focus on knowing Him more and making Him known to others. Continue to be faithful in little. Just as He left the 99 to find the 1 missing sheep, so should we show up even if there's only 1 recipient.

As we shine His light and radiate His glory, more people will be drawn to Him, be healed and ultimately get to know Him. We are indeed planting seeds that will bring a mighty harvest for God's Kingdom.

By the way, pleasing your boss is Scriptural according to Colossians 3:22-25 CEV

[22] Slaves, you must always obey your earthly masters. Try to please them at all times, and not just when you think they are watching. Honor the Lord and serve your masters with your whole heart. [23] Do your work willingly, as though you were serving the Lord himself, and not just your earthly master. [24] In fact, the Lord Christ is the one you are really serving, and you know he will reward you. [25] But Christ has no favorites! He will punish evil people, just as they deserve.

Sometimes, transformation may feel like CHAOS...

This week I realised just how easily we get tempted to revert back to our old sinful responses when familiar feelings are triggered & we feel crushed.

As I've been processing Tuesday's meltdown, I realised it's not so much what happens to us, but how it makes us feel that trips us up & causes us to revert back to what worked before to help self-medicate the pain. I don't think it was a coincidence that Ouboet shared those painful memories I had buried, with me earlier that morning…

There's absolutely no correlation to the post-divorce experiences as a child that Ouboet shared with me & the current upheaval around having to organise a huge event that seems way beyond my abilities. However the feelings of turmoil, chaos, uncertainty, inadequacy, nervousness & being out-of-control that have resurfaced, are the same & ultimately lead to angst, overwhelm & fear of rejection, with my first response being withdrawal & trying to help myself, when in fact, these are the times I should be reaching & accepting the support that's been offered.

Ouboet also gave me a key to the overthinking... Whenever we had something to say, our stepdad always told us to think before we speak. Somewhere along the line we got stuck at thinking.

I was reminded of a little girl maybe, 3 or 4 years old, hiding in the closet because of the anger & chaos in the home with fighting, that & crockery being flung across the room, a memory I had doubted true for decades but was confirmed by my brother when he reached out to reconcile after ignoring me for 30 years.

Deep down, there's still a little girl, hiding in the dark closet, believing she's too tiny to do anything about this chaos & nobody's going to come to help. When those triggers hit, there's no rationalising what's happening. Those responses are so deeply ingrained into the autopilot that only Holy Spirit can help us get to the root to lay an axe.

And so, the Holy Spirit has brought to the surface some more fruit that's unbecoming & leads me to dig deeper in order to get to the root of that fruit, that's symptomatic from sinful responses to wounding. I know He will help me discover where in childhood, I have sown seeds of dishonour so we can lay the axe to those roots & bring freedom from the angst & overwhelm caused by change & perceived chaos.

Lord, thank You for helping me get to the root of my sinful responses & please also help me keep my heart open, when everything inside me screams: "Shut down!"

Thank You that You have never failed me yet & that even in this turmoil of learning to feel my once buried emotions, I can know You will turn it all for good. It's all unto something.

‭Hebrews‬ ‭12:1‬ ‭NLT‬
[1] Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.

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What's on your mind? Facebook asks...

A conference for 250 people is the biggest I've ever organised, but the biggest I've ever organised is our wedding and anniversary dinner for 50. The enormity of it all really hit home last week when we went to view the venues. That's a huge space and a lot of people for someone with a lifelong struggle with social anxiety.

Will I sink or swim?🤔

You know that moment when you don't know what you're doing & you think you're going to mess it all up & are feeling totally out of control? Panic stations hit hard this morning. It feels a lot like audition anxiety used to feel 😕

I don't have any experience or checklists I can draw on to bring order to my chaos. I'm feeling out of control, and it's triggering childhood out-of-control chaos.

I sure wish I believed in myself as much as the people surrounding me do.

And on top of that Ouboet shared some post divorce memories I had buried, this morning but they hit a trigger switch big time.😭 Along with some other things, he said some attributes remain as we grow up, but our silence came from stepdad, who always told us to think before we speak. Somewhere along the line, we got stuck in thinking.  🤔

Yet another process to work through in my rapid succession this year...😢🫠😪 Another battle between my head 🧠 & my heart ❤️ that needs to be resolved.

I've gotta pull myself closer to myself, as Clive always tells me when I freak out... I have places to go & people to see today.

That's pretty much what I'm thinking & feeling right now🤦‍♀️

Oh God, oh God, oh God, don't let me mess this up.

Lord Jesus, I invite You to come as the Prince of Peace & bring Your peace to my heart today. Would You help me take captive my anxious thoughts & bring them under submission to Your Word?

Holy Spirit, would You give me a word, a picture, or a memory to help me track where in my little girl's heart I have come to believe the lies that I'm incapable and ill-equipped so we can lay an axe to the root? Lord, would You bring healing to that little girl's heart that felt lost and alone in the chaos of her life?

Father, in any area of my life where I've come to believe False Evidence Appearing Real, would You shine your light on the LIES & help me to bring all FEAR to effective death at the Cross of Christ?

You have not given me a spirit of fear but of Love, power, and a sound mind. It's not by power or might but by Your Spirit. Lord, would You come into my weakness and reveal Your strength?

Thank You, Lord.

Note to self:

God can do so much more with your surrender than you'll ever do with your control. God will handle what you can't handle yourself. It's okay to ask for His help. He loves you. No matter what you're going through in your life, God will forever be by your side. "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

Yes, I can't do it alone, but He has put people in my life to help me through the hard lessons. I just have to learn that it's okay to accept help, and He will never leave me nor forsake me.

Due to displacement trauma, caused by many moves & 6 schools by the age of 7, I had come to expect that friendships don't last & vowed as a "new kid on the block", not to make an effort to break into existing groups, so for me it's especially hard & I have to make intentional efforts that go against what has been my "autopilot" all my life.

Here's my prayer to combat this:

Holy Spirit, I invite You in Your fullness into every place within my heart where there's a fear of vulnerability or there might even be a fear of opening up that door or a fear Lord, of how messy it might be or that I might cry in front of someone.

Lord, I pray that You would draw to the cross the fears, anxieties & old ways of having to be proper, sophisticated & have it all together. Lord, would You release Your grace in my heart today?

Lord, release Your peace. Release Your perfect love which casts out all fear. Release Your honour which would cast out the shame on this journey. Lord I refuse shame in Jesus Name & I declare shame will not have its way, or keep me glued to my seat & glued to this place of having to look good & sound good.

In a realm of my ordinary existence, whilst working at Sanlam Unit Trusts in Cape Town some 30 years ago, I once radiated extraordinary joy, singing my way through the corridors and into the hearts of my friends and colleagues.

I'm certain my friends & colleagues, Sandra, Lorraine, Laurette, Santa & others from those days, will be happy to hear that my melodic presence has been largely revived, transcending the life of mere existence & disconnect I once knew.

For the past year or so at home, in my Elijah house encounter groups, as well as on the job lately, I have had to make intentional efforts to be vulnerable and allow space for intimacy (in-to-me-see) in order to build relationships.

As a recovering burden bearer who still struggles with social anxiety in crowds, I am constantly stretched way outside my comfort zone & rely heavily on God's grace being sufficient for me & His power to be revealed in my weaknesses.

I still find it hard to keep my heart open at the risk of being rejected and abandoned.

I have so often asked the Lord why He asked me to start these groups because like Moses I still stumble over my words & feel ill-equipped. However, I have learnt, over the past few years, that when God asks me to do something & I'm afraid, to do it afraid. Courage & confidence follows obedience.

On Tuesday we were doing site inspections for conference venues. The biggest events I've ever organised are my wedding & our 30th anniversary celebrations. Organising an event for 250 attendees seems daunting at best. To say I was nervous would be an understatement. I was petrified & very much tempted to resort to my old ways of pushing it down with work.

Today Elias reminded me that everything I ever wanted is on the other side of fear. After all, God has not given me a spirit of fear but of love, power and a sound mind.

During our Young Adults encounter group this evening, as we were watching the video of Sandra leading us in corporate prayer, I experienced a very vague vision.

In my mind's eye, I saw a digital LED board flashing various words. These words, initially clear, began to fade away, much like a battery losing its charge.

The first one was "worthless" but the rest became blurry until they eventually all faded away.

As the words dimmed, I sensed a profound message: these words were all the negative labels and name-calling 'worthless', 'unwanted', 'mistake' 'stupid', 'idiot', 'unloved', 'unworthy', 'fake', 'imposter' and 'incapable', that have stuck with you all your life are losing their power over you.

I asked CoPilot to help me create a picture, but apparently, it can't spell when it has to add text to pictures.🤔 It also wouldn't draw anything like the example I gave it.🤦‍♀️

Now I can rest easy. Even AI can't always get it right.

"That's an interesting vision. I wonder if the words on the left-hand side started with the letters that, when arranged in the correct order, spells "WELCOME"?🤔" is what I received from Elias, when I shared it with him...

• Worthless

• UnwantEd

• UnLoved

• InCapable

• UnwOrthy

• Mistake

• ImpostEr

• Stupid

• Idiot

• Fake

We attended the City Impact Global Conference last night. This is a snippet from John Bevere's message on pursuing holiness…

WE have made holiness the end goal but it is a doorway.

1. Positional Holiness Ephesians 1:4 NKJV → being dedicated & separated unto God. We are holy in Christ.

2. Behavioral holiness that matches our position 1 Peter 1:14-15 AMP.

• Hebrews 12:14 teaches us to pursue holiness. We ought to chase after with the intent to apprehend. It speaks of intensity & urgency.

• 'He who has My commandments and keeps them, it is he who loves Me. And he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and manifest Myself to him.”'John 14:21

• Relationship with God is given by grace.

• The New Testament Commands are for pursuing intimacy with Christ. 2 Corinthians 7:1 tells us to cleanse ourselves of the filthiness of flesh & spirit - perfecting holiness & the fear of God.

• God's grace empowers us to live a holy life. We ought to be holy as He is holy.

• 'But as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, even so we speak, not as pleasing men, but God who tests our hearts. ' 1 Thessalonians 2:4

• All too often our motives are driven by WHO we want to PLEASE

• There are 3 Images that drive our motives

  • Perceived image the way others see us

  • Projected Image the way we want other people to see us

  • Actual Image our true image. What God sees & will endure

Aiming to please God will ultimately lead to pleasing others, including bosses & of course, those around us will reap the fruit of our pleasing God. 😊 BUT pleasing others should never be the driving force of our motives.

However, oftentimes our natural giftings may become twisted through wounding. For example, the spirit of excellence can turn into perfection when, in our wounding, we decide that we will not make mistakes, that we would strive to please people and that we have to be perfect. We perform out of fear & lack of faith in order to be accepted & to belong.

The Holy Spirit is still working with me to get the twist out of my giftings. Please bear with me & hold me accountable when you discern ungodly motives. 🤗💞

🎼🎶This song in my heart❤️, this song in my soul, this song I was born to sing🎤, 

it's Your song🎸 of freedom. Now I'm free to dance💃 again!🎵

🎶I'll sing🎤 in the darkness, I'll laugh🤣 in the rain, rejoice in Your love💞 again. 

It's Your song🎸 of freedom, now I'm free to dance💃 again!🎶

🎊🥳🎉

Clive & I spent some time away in New Plymouth this week, for a little bit of rest & reprieve. A whole 373km travelling, that would have taken us maybe 4 hours back in South Africa took almost 5 hours & for most of the time it was pouring with rain. By the time we got from the car into our accommodation, we were drenched.

After our committee meeting Elias challenged me to get bored enough to do some painting, reading or.... writing 📖🖊

It was just too cold to unpack my easel, but finally started working on the AFTER painting for Donal's vision from 2 years ago for which the BEFORE version has been waiting to be completed for almost 2 years. The benefit of painting digitally was that I could remain huddled under a blanket to stay warm without the risk of getting paint all over it.

On Tuesday it was still cold, rainy & windy We had breakfast at Manous Café & Restaurant. Then we took advantage of the break in rain to explore some beautiful churches until the rain returned & we went to the museum & shopping center to stay relatively dry.

I spent the evening painting & writing some more. I also ended up working on an email I was tasked on Monday but I was fretting & avoiding it.

For some reason the LIE, "I can't write!" just didn't want to budge, or so it seemed & Elias wasn't giving me an easy way out. He wants to see the UGLY.

On Wednesday it was still icy cold. After a  lazy morning, we had a lovely lunch at the Treehouse Bar & Bistro. It was cold but dry enough that we were able to take a walk along the beach at Paritutu Centenial Park.

By Wednesday evening, there was another email to type up for some new members. This time it took me about 30 minutes to type but another 2 & half hours of agonising before I sent it off for approval.

On Thursday we woke up to clear, sunny skies, but we were due to leave by 10am to head home. We managed to get a couple of snapshots along the way & got home around 4pm.

Back at work this morning I was singing & humming again.

We're currently gearing up to arrange a conference for 250 people, a responsibility that's going to be entirely on my shoulders which reminds me of a previous colleague's regular comment "Pak maar, Patrizia se skouers is breed!" (Keep packing, Patrizia has broad shoulders)

Up to now, the biggest events I've arranged entirely were our wedding & our 30th wedding anniversary dinner. During my 5 years as Moms in Action Secretary, the chairlady did all the planning, organising. I did all admin, the invitations, the tracking, helped setup the venues & followed orders.Quite honestly, a couple of weeks ago the thought of organising events scared the hell out of me and for a moment there I felt intimidation & inadequacy but the warrior in me is finally rising up to the challenge.

At least on the writing front I'm making progress. I had to do another email. Elias wanted the UGLY & this time it took maybe 20 minutes & this time there was very little anxiety around having him approve it.

What I've recognised this week is that there was still residual of that darn old fear of rejection, my voice has no value & need for approval...

I also realised that I have spent my life living in compliance, just following orders, doing as I was told & not having a voice. I don't quite know what to do with all this newly found trust in my abilities when I'm still doubting myself.

God gave me my voice back in June 2020 & now Elias is giving me opportunities to use it but I'm still unsure how to do that. I may not be the Lion, but it has fallen onto me to release His roar. Intellectually, I know my words have value because I'm a faith-filled, life-speaking, fully devoted follower of Christ that speaks encouraging, life-giving words to build others up. However there are still some areas of my little-girl heart that need evangelising.

What I've learnt this week, is that even when we've repented of our judgments& expectations & renounced the LIES we've come to believe, the enemy will continue to bring doubt to try to stop us from walking in the victory Christ has already won for us.

Just like the spirit of heaviness that still comes knocking regularly these LIES, too will have to be resisted until God helps me smash them completely. I just need to acknowledge that it's just a current belief that He will help me smash.

The question, "Did God really say...?" Started in the garden of Eden but will continue haunting us until Christ returns in glory & splendour.

Our old sinful habits won't die easily & the new ways of protecting our hearts are like muscles that need to be practiced & flexed to become stronger over time. There is no long-lasting, quick-fix to our old sinful nature. When we ask God to move a mountain we have to be prepared to wake up next to the shovel... it takes DISCIPLINE & ACCOUNTABILITY to learn to walk in new, Godly ways.

We have to continuously abide in the Vine. Without Him, we will easily succomb to the temptations to return to the familiar every time something unresolved resurfaces.  We have to see to it that we don't come short of the grace of God & that no root of bitterness springs up to cause trouble, and by it many become defiled; Hebrews 12:15

Yet again, knowledge will never overwrite experience & the only way to gain experience, is by getting into the water & learning to swim.

God has graciously & miraculously provided this job so I could see for myself that I am indeed CAPABLE & WORTHY. I'm also learning the skills I need for my big, hairy, audacious dream. I'm slowly starting to see the bigger vision, how God is repositioning me & adding people who are here to help. Things are slowly falling into place.

Even though it's tough at times, I am grateful that the Lord has teamed me up with a great man of faith who exemplifies ‭‭1 Peter‬ 5:3‬ to not lord it over the people assigned to their care, but lead them by their own good example. He won't give me a "get out of jail free card" but draws out the potential & holds me accountable.  He sees the glimpses of Diamonds & gold in me & is constantly challenging me to discover those God-given skills & abilities, I have have been unable to see for so long.

I'm finally learning & accepting that asking for help, even from Copilot, is not a sign of weakness, failure or even inauthenticity. I'm thankful Elias has loads of experience I can learn from, that he believes in me & that he's here to help.

It's not by power nor might, but by My Spirit, says the Lord

Once again, God has done great & wonderous things for me...

‬[11] You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, [12] that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

Psalms 30:11-12 NLT

Once again, God has done great & wonderous things IN & trough me...

• 34 odd years ago, I was known at Sanlam Head Office in Bellville, Cape Town as the girl that was always walking around singing... it's been a long time, but that singing girl is resurfacing.

• He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind.

• The lines have indeed fallen for me in pleasant places.

• He has set my feet to dancing & my heart rejoicing…

• I will rejoice for He has made me glad!

IN his presence, there is fulness of JOY!💃🎊🥳🎉

That joy is not dependent on our circumstances but on constantly spending time in Christ's presence & getting to know His character.

Finally, I'll leave you with these old songs that have recently resurfaced in my heart:

• Free to Dance | Christian Song

• I Am Free (Newsboys)

• The River is Here - Vineyard Music

When you call people by their NAME, you are reminding them of WHO they are & calling them forth & into who they are called to be.

This post by Ann Hamilton was quite an eye opener to me because I have despised my names for most of my life.

"The story of Michal, the daughter of Saul and wife of David, is a complex one. Like her brother Jonathan, she defends David at the risk of her own life. Saul used David's love for her to try to get him killed - he made the bride price a hundred Philistine foreskins. Despite her betrothal to David, she was given to another man in marriage and she bore him five sons - and, despite being later returned to David, she had none by him.

The critical incident that seems to be a deciding factor in this lack of children is her heart's reaction as she watched David dance before the Ark of the Covenant as it was brought into Jerusalem. Immediately after David explains himself to her, the comment is made: "And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death." (2 Samuel 6:23) This comment seems to suggest that her childlessness (obviously to David) was a direct consequence of her attitude.

A superficial reading of this Scripture would see this as a punishment from God. But a deeper reading would see this as coming from Michal herself. The name "Michal" sounds like "machol", dancing. In despising what David was doing, she despised her own identity, her own calling, her own self. She in fact hated her own name.

When we hate our own name, as I did for most of my life, we are like Michal - unable to give birth to the calling God has placed over our lives."

"What's in a name?" Shakespeare asked and then gave some bizarre answer about the properties of roses.

A name is actually how God gives us a soul (neshama). By breathing (nashamah) a name (shem) into our unformed frames.

For the Hebrews, the dawn was the only way to describe the creation of a soul. Shakespeare wasn't the only one to get it wrong. Our souls are radiant like the sun (shemesh — 'name fire'), as brilliant and fire-forged as meteorites. They were not — as the Greeks thought — as fragile as butterflies.

Over the past 3 years, the Lord has been speaking to me about names consistently & often but I've been a little slow on the uptake to claim my name back so these are the only names I'll respond to henceforth…

This is WHO I am:

PATRIZIA

• Language/Cultural Origin: Latin

• Inherent Meaning: Noble

• Spiritual Connotation: Victorious

• Scripture: Romans 8:37 NKJV Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

ELISABETH

• Language/Cultural Origin: Hebrew

• Inherent Meaning: Oath of God

• Spiritual Connotation: Consecrated

• Scripture: Romans 6:23 NKJV But the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

TRIXI

• Language/Cultural Origin: American

• Inherent Meaning: Bringer of Joy

• Spiritual Connotation: Peaceful

• Scripture: Psalm 46:4 NASB There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy dwelling places of the Most High.

As a post abortion baby, with the spirit of death wrapped around me since conception, I was incubated in fear, shame & survival guilt. I was born believing I'm a mistake, I shouldn't be here, I have to earn my keep & prove myself worthy of love resulting in a lifelong struggle with depression & suicidal thoughts. I've spent my life trying to be what I thought others expected & striving to be what God already created me to be but for now, I'm learning to live from the heart that Jesus gave me...

God exchanges our ashes for beauty & you will most often find that your biggest challenges will become your biggest area of ministry. Our scars tell a story that turn our ashes to glory & enables us to bring help & hope to those who are still in the ashes.

For the past 2 years, I've been stuck on completing this painting based on a vision, my friend, Donal, saw after praying for me at Lifeboat in March 2022.

"I saw you in a bird cage. A lion surrounding the cage protecting you. He roared to chase away the predators. Then he lifted the cage to set you free & roared."

2 Weeks ago Elias helped me pray through the confession & repentance of my sinful responses to trauma caused by abusers, caregivers, teachers, authority, bosses & leaders in general.

My life experiences had taught me that successful leadership came with collateral damage & at the cost of people being trampled on, side-lined & wounded. I had judged caregivers, teachers, authority, bosses & leaders as uncaring, cruel & heartless & decided if leadership hurts others, I didn’t want it. My success at the cost of others... 🤔 that to me spelt failure...

After all, people are my priority & healing 💔hearts, NOT breaking them is my purpose. Hence I've spent my life captive between the fear of success & the fear of failure.

That just reminded me of these definitions Sandra gave in the lesson on the trauma of neglect:

• LOVE = meeting YOUR needs at MY expense

• LUST = meeting MY needs at YOUR expense

Which will you choose?🤔

God is LOVE, & He has commanded us to love so for me that's always been the only option.

It's been 2 years since I started this unfinished painting but I have since decided it needs an AFTER version & am slowly starting to envision the after painting in my mind's eye...

This morning I was looking for some images to help me paint the after of that vision when I stumbled on this message by Dr Myles Munroe.

WoW, God's timing is absolutely impeccable. It's all starting to make sense now. The lifelong  assignment of trauma as well as why the lion & eagle have been so prominent in words & visions I've received during prayer since I started my journey of sanctification & transformation in April 2020.

I was born with a purpose:

• to take God's healing to the nations (Isaiah 61:1-4 & Luke 4:18),

• to be a pioneer and a visionary

• to encourage & inspire others

but all of these require me to be a LEADER.

"Leadership can walk into a camp of depressed people. And in 20 minutes, they have turned on into unbelievable, powerful armies. Because leadership determines everything." Dr Myles Munroe

That's exactly what Elias has done for me in the 8 weeks I've worked with him. As a man of faith, honour & integrity, living a relational, servanthood leadership style, gently leading by example & drawing out the best in people, he has changed my perspective & experience of leadership.

Now that's the kind of leadership I would aspire to. Just think for a moment, how different & peaceful our workplaces would be if every manager & leader led this way. That's the kind of leader I want to become, but I still have much to learn.

In November 2019 God gave me an overwhelming vision. Healing 💔heARTs 💕 community paint parties & Encounter Elijah House groups are just 2 small parts of it. This requires LEADERSHIP. Now I'm trusting God for the capacity, skills, resources & people to help me get it off the ground. The world needs us to step up & step out into our callings so God can be glorified.

So today, Lord, I repent for my rebellion & unwillingness to fully become what You have called me to be. Please forgive me & give me the courage & confidence to keep my heart open even when it hurts, to be vulnerable even with the risk of rejection l, to show kindness, grace & compassion even when it's not reciprocated & to love unconditionally, beyond measure like You have done for me. Would You increase my capacity & give me the ability to do Your good pleasure.

We are NOT the Lion, but it has fallen to us to release the Lion's ROAR!!! - Winston Churchill

Here's what I HEARD after I came down for coffee snuggle time with the Lord this morning...

My daughter, my friend.

I'm so glad you're hearing this. I love you, my child. I’ve always loved you & I’ve been waiting for you to run to Me, to make Me your refuge from the storms.

I was right there, with you in those darkest moments, longing to hold you when you shut me out because of wounding caused by those who have misrepresented Me. I was longing to comfort you & be your friend. I've been waiting for you to hear the quiet whisper of My voice.

If you would but trust Me, I will lift you up higher, far above all you could ever imagine hope, or dream. You will rise up on wings like eagles. You will run & not grow weary. You will walk & not faint.

Again you're thinking: "What did I do to deserve this?" but I want you to know that you don't need to do anything to deserve My love. I love you regardless of anything you did or didn't do. You are My child, a human BEING not a human doing. I love you because of who you ARE irrespective of what you do. Even when you were covered with "bad & dirty", I loved you still.

I called you by name, Patrizia. I formed & fashioned you in your mother’s womb. In the crushing I have prepared you to shine My light in the darkness, to bring hope to the hopeless & comfort to the weary as I have comforted you.

Take My healing to the nations. Trust in Me, I have given you EVERYTHING you need. I have QUALIFIED you through the training of experience.

You will run & not grow weary as you remain in My presence & draw from the Vine. Abide in Me & I will show you deep & marvellous things. I will train your hands to war & I will show you the way to go. I will never leave you, nor forsake you, you need only be still & learn from Me. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace as you rest in My presence. My yoke is easy & my burden is light. Allow Me to show you which burdens are NOT yours to carry.

You are my precious daughter. I love you with an everlasting love. You are Mine!

Today I'm totally overwhelmed with joy because of the goodness & kindness of the Lord. 😊

This is a follow-up post of my previous post, Leading from the Stop & the testimony of the process to my breakthrough after being unravelled by reading "Another crisis will befall you. It’s not a case of ‘if’, but ‘when’. And when your world seems to come crashing down to an absolute halt, remember three things:

1. You’re not in trouble

2. We believe in you

3. We’re here to help"

in Elias' book, Leading from the Stop, which felt like God was speaking to me directly.

Some more fruit, I've recognised were:

• Apprehension towards men & people in authority.

• Refusal to become a teacher & leader.

• Why can I believe God would come through for others, but not for myself?

Whilst working through my recognition worksheet to get to the root of my inability to receive these statements I had yearned to hear all my life, the Holy Spirit resurfaced many painful memories that I had habitually buried to numb my pain.

When I was 7, we were living on the plot (small holding) in Vanderbijlpark. At the time both mom & dad were barely home & when they were, they were emotionally unavailable. Mom was working at the Holiday Inn, often sleeping out & dad would go straight to the pub after work & get home drunk in the wee hours of the night. Stefan & I would be home alone.

They had a new bed with a built-in radio & a sleep timer. I was afraid of the dark & would hear all kinds of strange noises whilst waiting to fall asleep at night so before I went to bed, I would switch their radio on & set the timer for an hour to drown out the noise. Even the ruffling of the wind would often send shivers down my spine & occasionally, still does.

Since I started school, my brother, Stefan & I were always in the same class, although he was 14 months older than I. In one of our many primary schools we had a maths teacher who would pit us against each other. She would threaten to punish the one with the lowest grades, which of course would always be me because Ouboet was a math whizz. Her punishments were severe. She would often stand behind us whilst we’re working & if we made a mistake, grab us by the hair & twist it.

This experience would come back to haunt me in high school when I was struggling to keep up with the higher-grade maths in Standard 8 because our ex-university tutor teacher got angry & verbally abusive whenever we didn't understand what she explained the first-time round. I eventually stopped asking & then the next year dropped down to standard grade because I just couldn't cope & had vowed never to ask for help or be needy. That failure of course brought with it a great sense of shame.

When I was my first year of high school, I was sitting at my desk doing homework one day when mom got angry at me for something & just came up behind me & slapped me against the head.

Then, one day mom came home & announced that she had decided to ship us off to the German boarding school in Lüneburg, 4 & half hours away from home, supposedly because we were losing our ability to speak the language, not that anyone ever had conversations with us in any language, I might add. One of my biggest struggles to this day, is having those open, honest conversations to translate what’s going on in my heart for people to understand where I’m at & what's going on in my heart. The silence in my life has often been deafening & overwhelming. I felt rejected, abandoned & unwanted most of my life.

This also meant changing schools yet again this being number 5 since I started school just days before I turned 6. Once again, I was the “new kid on the block” trying to fit into an environment that seemed cold & heartless. There was a strict routine & rigid discipline when we stepped out of line. The school, Catholic church & the parsonage were all on the same property as the boarding house. We’d have to be up & ready very early in the morning  for Bible study before breakfast, that being the first time in my life except for when I was christened, as a baby that I’d ever set a foot in church.

For the first few months, I would get "home" from school every day to find the contents of my cupboard strewn on the floor by the house mistress because it wasn’t packed neat & tidy enough. I would have to re-pack it before I could go out to play with the other kids but by the time I was done, I’d just resort to sitting alone on my bed, waiting for the next bell to ring in study hour or the next meal or activity since I decided very early in life, that friendships don’t last, so I would just remain on the outside looking in. This would have been where my OCD with neat & tidy started because I decided to “be perfect” and perform just to not get in trouble. The other kids would tease me for having to constantly re-pack my cupboard so I decided if I complied & worked to perfection, I wouldn’t stand out or be seen to be teased for getting it wrong.

When I was about 13, I was molested by a drunk family friend who had come to visit.

Over the years, I became a master of packing everything all into perfectly tidy little heaps & that obsession eventually morphed into packing my kitchen cupboards, tins all having to face the same way, same with cups. It even surfaced when packing up for a move. By the time I was 18, I had packing boxes down to such a skill that you could fall with a crockery box without having anything break. I kid you not, but by that time I stopped counting at 30 house moves excluding the stints to boarding school. Looking back now, I realise that I’ve done the same packing in boxes with my emotions.

For decades I would get annoyed inwardly when Clive, the kids & the domestic worker couldn’t keep the kitchen cupboards neat & tidy until I finally just gave up on it. Today I see that same need for having it all tidy in my boys, especially my eldest, who was subjected to my OCD for longer. I kind of eased off a bit when Misha was born because he was like a whirlwind & there just wasn’t any way I could keep up the tidy little boxes, because he’d throw things out of the cupboards just to climb in there.

Every so often when I was upset, I would go on a cleaning spree to suppress the anger with perfection in the home. Jesse once told me they were afraid of me when I was angry, although I don’t remember ever lashing out at them when they were little but I did start to loose control after moving to New Zealand. When I had my breakdown in 2018, I flopped & swung the other way so now I’m struggling to keep things neat & tidy.

I'm not sure exactly what drove my striving for perfection with  schoolwork. I always worked hard for good grades (80%+) but never received any acknowledgement from mom or dad. Even teachers would constantly remark that "I could do better than that.". I suspect it was my vow to prove myself good enough & worthy. I'm reminded of a day in high school when I asked to attend athletic meet, after I got second place in hurdles but mom said no because I didn't get first place.

In April 1996, there was my 40-year old spinster office manager, Prue, who was very angry because I was pregnant 6 weeks into my new job I admitting we weren't planning having children yet during my job interview.  However, 4 weeks later I found out I was pregnant right after getting back from unpaid leave for a wedding in Cape Town. One week later I left the office unattended due to being hospitalised for 3 days because of an ectopic pregnancy, whilst she & the Regional Manager attended the RGM.

After losing my baby, she told me to "get over it because 6 weeks pregnant wasn't even pregnant". That's when my high functioning depression started to crack. I ended up on anti-depressants & the more I tried to be perfect & not make mistakes the more I set myself up for failure. This was when the imposter syndrome was solidified in my heart. Her attitude as well as the lack of support from family & friends were the reason why 3 subsequent pregnancies & miscarriages remained unannounced & ungrieved.

For some obscure reason, Prue didn't like me, although my boss, Trevor did and for the next few months I couldn't do anything right in her eyes. One evening Clive got home from work & found me on the floor, crying my heart out because of her treatment that day. He phoned her but that didn't end well & resulted in even more bullying & pressure to perform. By the time I found out in early November that I was pregnant again, she had finally convinced Trevor to start disciplinary action upon which Clive instructed me to resign because, he wasn't going to allow the work stress to endanger my pregnancy.

In my last job as IT & Office Administrator, as a half day employee I was constantly taking work home, because over the years as people left, my boss refused to replace them & I ended up picking up the slack. So many times, he would tell me to do something without giving the parameters & then when I completed the job, he would criticise what was wrong with it. The stress was affecting my health & he would often hover behind me criticising everything I was doing, even though in the 5 years I was doing the job I have proven to be right with what I was doing so many times. To this very day, having someone hover over my shoulder whilst I work brings up a tension that makes it hard for me to focus on the task at hand. After I left he employed 3 full-time employees to do the jobs I was doing in half a day.

During the course of my childhood made some very powerful judgements. I judged:

• mom & dad for not having time for me & caring about me

• mom for being unfaithful & critical

• mom & dad for being cold, distant, unloving, emotionally absent & misrepresenting God

• anger as violent & scary

• men as abusive

• men can’t be trusted

• men as unsafe

• I can’t be trusted

• caregivers won’t protect me

• people in authority are mean & can't be trusted

• drunkards are violent & abusive

• That leadership came with collateral damage of people being wounded as leaders progressed up the ladder of success. If that’s leadership, I didn't want it.

• Wounding others as failure.

• Prue as mean & heartless

• My judgments didn't stay in tidy little boxes but morphed & mutated to all people in authority that are meant to love, nurture, lead, guide & protect me

When we judge others, we doom ourselves to do those very things & hence I became like what I judged:

• As a post-abortion baby, I was incubated in fear & I judged the world as unsafe.

• I stopped being a daughter even before birth & shut mom & dad out before they could even try to love me or make amends for the oh no I heard in the womb

• I refused to trust

• I refused relationship

• I threw myself away because I felt I wasn't worth anything

• Kept people at a distance & shut them out

• I became cold, distant & emotionally absent towards Clive & our boys

• My boys were afraid of me when my suppressed anger erupted & even though showered them with love & affection, I was emotionally absent for them & didn't know how to have deep conversations

Because of my bitter root judgments, I came to expect that:

• Rejection & abandonment is part of life

• Caregivers won’t protect me

• Men will abuse me

• I must perform to be worthy

• Leaders are verbally abusive & uncaring

• Everyone will blame & criticise me

• Nobody will believe me

• Nobody will help me

• I will always be alone

I tried to 'protect my heart with the inner vows:

• I must protect myself

• I must prove myself worthy

• I won’t show them I’m vulnerable

• I’ll be strong

• I won’t trust

• I won’t cry

• I’ll defend myself

• I’ll take care of myself

• I won’t depend on anybody

• I won’t need anybody

• I’ll be FINE!

• I won't get angry

I kept these vows in place with were the habitual ways of:

• Hardening my heart

• Isolation

• Independence

• Rejecting others before they could reject me

• Self-sabotage

• Dissociation

I came to believe the LIES that

• I’m a mistake

• I shouldn't be here

• I'm bad & dirty

• I can’t do anything right

• Everything’s my fault

• I can’t be trusted

• I’m worthless

• I’m a coward for not standing up for myself

• Molestation is not rape, thus not sexual abuse.

• Others may have been abused because I remained silent.

• It’s not so bad, others have it worse

• I have to help myself

I used:

• Anxious eating

• Performance

• People pleasing

• Workaholism

• Perfectionism

• Peace keeping

• Busyness

• Burying memories

• Numbing pain

• Numb scrolling

rather than seeking comfort & protection with the Lord, to medicate & numb my pain.

I opened the door to the force of darkness through my sin when I came into agreement with spirit of death through performance, self-hatred as well as believing the lies that I was a mistake & I shouldn't be here.

Due to all the wounding caused by parents, teachers, caregivers, bosses & leaders I judged, came to expect, vowed & came to believe the LIES that I'm to blame for everything that's wrong, nobody believes in me & nobody would help me.

I spent my life captive between the fear of failure & the fear of success. Life experiences had taught me that success came at cost of people being trampled on, side-lined & wounded. That to me spelled  failure.

I had judged carers, authority & leaders as uncaring, cruel & heartless & decided if that's what leadership looked like, I didn’t want it.

Our judgements, expectations, inner vows & foundational lies make parts of our heart inaccessible to God's healing touch.

It took a few weeks to dig deeper to get to the roots, but by Friday morning last week, I was  besides myself with the weight & shame of my sinful responses. I desperately needed someone to hear my confessions & repentance so I could break free from the captivity & couldn't bear the thought of having to wait for a prayer minister to be available to help me pray through it all.

Scripture teaches us to "Therefore, confess your sins to one another [your false steps, your offenses], and pray for one another, that you may be healed and restored. The heartfelt and persistent prayer of a righteous man (believer) is able to accomplish much [when put into action and made effective by God—it is dynamic and can have tremendous power]." James 5:16 AMP

I was due for a meeting Elias so I dashed into the office early. Fortunately he was willing to help me pray through the confession & repentance of my sinful responses to all trauma caused by abusers, caregivers, teachers, authority, bosses & leaders in general.

This is the other Scripture Elias scribbled in the front of the book he gave me to read last week.

I've come a long way, but anxiety is onte of those things I'm still working on...

This is one of the Scriptures scribbled into the book I was given last week & I can absolutely see how God's been doing exactly that, providing exceedingly abundantly far above anything I've asked for.

‭‭Ephesians 3:20-21 NKJV‬

[20] Now to Him who is able to do EXCEEDINGLY ABUNDANTLY ABOVE ALL that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, [21] to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Never in a million years would I have applied for the job I have now. I would have self-sabotaged because I had come to believe that I was not capable BUT God...

I've waited 54 years to hear "You're not in trouble, I believe in you, I'm here to help" worked my butt off trying to achieve the best for a "well done!".

Be careful what you ask for... I asked for experiences to overwrite the bad ones I was stuck in, after all I had come to believe I was incapable of handling the pressure af a secular job again & He obliged although I didn't realise work experiences counted too...

Thank you Lord, for Your love & favour.

I was gifted this book at work yesterday in the hopes that it would help me on my healing journey after being unravelled by the statement:

"We only have one life here on earth. It isn’t a dress rehearsal. Use this time wisely. Another crisis will befall you. It’s not a case of ‘if’, but ‘when’. And when your world seems to come crashing down to an absolute halt, remember three things: 

1. You’re not in trouble 

2. We believe in you 

3. We’re here to help in his book, Leading from the Stop on the weekend. 

That makes this book number 3 since Slavery to Sonship in November that I've read in a day. I just couldn't put it down & even bought the Kindle version so I could cobtinue reading in bed😱 until I eventually had to force myself to put it down after 12am just to pick it up again at 5h30. 

It had Holy Spirit all over it AGAIN!. WoW!!! 

Once again, I was undone😭 & in awe🤣🎶💃...

• highly favoured, • annointed, • worthy, • valued, • loved, • noble,  • beautiful & • capable... I heard Him say. 

Yes, it's time to put to death ALL the given names & labels        

• Trixi (bringer of joy) • Unplanned • Imposter • Nazi • Stupid • Weirdo • Pat • Trish • Patrys (partridge) • Pattat (sweet potato) • Heksie (witch) • Teacher's Pet  • & many more that I've conveniently "forgotten" (the list is long) so Patrizia (of noble birth) can emerge in her full force & potential, although I think 🤔 we can keep Trixi after all she's hidden in PaTRIXIa... & bringing joy is a tool for my purpose of healing hearts. 

I see the light at the end of the tunnel & it spells FREEDOM from the cage of LIES that have held me hostage all my life. Oh my the unmerited FAVOUR of God to have blessed me so abundantly with a job I wasn't even looking for so He could bring new experiences to bring healing in relation to work & authority.🤔 

For the first time in my life, I'm experiencing real joy, even this is a fiery season of testing & pruning. My cup runneth over. That's all I'm able to express right now, so ya'all have to wait for me to "paper" process it all to get the rest of this story. 

I'm overwhelmed by all the support I've had this week, since Sandra's phone call on Monday, when she offered be my "Ousus" because she's merely 14 years my senior but back then in my first job I saw her as a mother because that's what I needed most at the time. My boss, who believes in me, even though I don't yet.

I was supposed to do prayer ministry for my friend in New Lynn on Tuesday but she felt the weight of my pain & ended up just loving on me so we just went out for lunch instead. When I drove home, I felt I had failed but she messaged me later just to say that loving on me was so healing for her, go figure... 🤔

Then yesterday, I got to church for worship prayer dance with Rose. I made it through the Anthem, I speak Jesus, but when we got to You Still Reign & You're still God I was flat on the floor crying for an hour & Rose was loving on me.

Afterward I shared with Pastor David & promptly received some prayer.

Morning encounter group also took a turn. I've heard this soaking prayer so many times, but this time I was totally unravelled & Ester, who I usually minister to, did all the loving. For the first time in my life, I've allowed myself to just cry it all out. (B.t.w. my first inner vow that I had to break was "I won't cry" because as a 3-year old mom had shoved my head under cold water to stop me crying, apparently there was still residue of that.)

My usual 12 people evening group was down to 4 on Wednesday night. We had the same soaking prayer as in the morning but this time there were no tears, just gratefulness. I got home early & was in bed by 10 with David Tensen soaking prayers in my earphones. I'm feeling so much better this morning & braver to embrace the fireball of cleansing that lies ahead.

I've finally allowed myself to take the time to grieve 54 years worth of losses, cry my cries & scream my screams. The pain finally outweighs the shame & it's time to get to the root & lay an axe so they too, can be put to effective death at the Cross so I can get free from this paralyzing fear of failure as well as success to bring them to death at the cross. Having used memory suppression as a habit to protect my heart, means I have few memories except what the Holy Spirit has brought to the surface, so that will require asking for help once again.

Knowledge will never override experience & this is where He changes my experiences & I get to prove to myself (not others) that I can still do this so I can finally put to death the imposter syndrome & learn to believe in me as much as others do so I see in me what others see & also so I can finally move further than just community paint parties & encounter groups to do all that He's called me to. Thank you for the opportunity.

I seem to have lost my ability to just put on that brave, "I'm FINE" face & soldier on as I used to but somehow, being real is becoming easier. I don't want to be Mrs "Fix It" anymore. I just want to be ME.

This wasn't part of my weekend plan, but fancy that... me reading a book on servanthood leadership, another one of my strengths that's been twisted through wounding... who would have thought someone who spent her life shying away and lurking in the shadows serving &  following, would even look at a book on leadership.🤔

In 3 decades of struggling to finish reading books, I haven't  finished a book in a day since last year's "Slavery to Sonship" but  this one too has left me with many thoughts to ponder🤔

Where do I go from here, I wonder? 🤔

Wait,  there's more, I hear the Lord say as He's just last week brought healing to a  major job-related wounding from 28 years ago that had remained buried &  unresolved.

From my  Elijah House training: "Pain that's buried alive stays alive & will  morph & mutate until it finally comes out sideways. Those who suppress  emotions / don't express it will eventually explode like a volcano."

It's  clear, God is not finished with me yet.

"We  only have one life here on earth. It isn’t a dress rehearsal. Use this time  wisely. Another crisis will befall you. It’s not a case of ‘if’, but ‘when’.  And when your world seems to come crashing down to an absolute halt, remember  three things:

1)  You’re not in trouble

2) We  believe in you

3) We’re  here to help"

~ Elias  Kanaris

Whenever my world came crashing down I felt completely & utterly alone. That's been my experience & I've been praying the Lord will replace my experience. He's been graciously bringing along opportunities for new experiences in other areas & praying that if & when my world crumbles again I will have a community to pick me up & help gather the pieces. Dare I hope for a light at the end of this tunnel, that's not a train coming right at me?🤔 This may just be the backbone that's been holding all my strongholds together.

It's time to deal with all the LIES I've come to believe that are opposing these 3 profound statements my heart's been yearning to hear all my life,😭😢 time to allow myself to grieve the neglect, loss of childhood, innocence & the memory that never was, the rejections, abandonments & betrayals, the abuse, I hear Him say.

Although I've dealt with many of the sinful responsesI've never allowed myself to grieve fully. I was hoping to be done after crying for days... but apparently not... bracing myself for another group session at the moment.

It's time to learn to trust & to allow others to help rebuild & fill up those shelves for all the areas where there's been unfulfilled need. It's time to allow others to do for me what I do so generously for them.

So many of my struggles have been over striving to become what I already am because Mama & Papa failed to represent Him well & draw me forward...

• a woman of Excellence but spent my life performing for perfection

• a woman of Worth but spent my life feeling I had to "earn my keep" to be valued

• a Peacemaker but spent my life in compliance to keep the peace

• a Pioneer but spent my life hiding & invisible

• an Overcomer but spent my life feeling like a victim

• a Warrior but spent my life worrying

• a Loyal Friend

• a Cheerleader

• a Faithful Servant

• a Mother, both physically & spiritually

& dare I say it?🤔

• a Teacher but refused that because that would make fortune-teller's predictions come true

• a Leader but spent my life following in compliance

There, I finally acknowledged these 2 that I've been running from all my life.

but first & foremost

• a Daughter but spent my life feeling like a slave

That's who God created me to be but all these qualities got twisted through my sinful responses to neglect & wounding, although most of these have been straightened out.

I may  need to come back to read this book again & work through the reflection questions.

I'm overwhelmed by all the support I've had this week, since Sandra's phone call on Monday, when she offered be my "Ousus" because she's merely 14 years my senior but back then in my first job I saw her as a mother because that's what I needed most at the time. My boss, who believes in me, even though I don't yet.

I was supposed to do prayer ministry for my friend in New Lynn on Tuesday but she felt the weight of my pain & ended up just loving on me so we just went out for lunch instead. When I drove home, I felt I had failed but she messaged me later just to say that loving on me was so healing for her, go figure... 🤔

Then yesterday, I got to church for worship prayer dance with Rose. I made it through the Anthem, I speak Jesus, but when we got to You Still Reign & You're still God I was flat on the floor crying for an hour & Rose was loving on me.

Afterward I shared with Pastor David & promptly received some prayer.

Morning encounter group also took a turn. I've heard this soaking prayer so many times, but this time I was totally unravelled & Ester, who I usually minister to, did all the loving. For the first time in my life, I've allowed myself to just cry it all out. (B.t.w. my first inner vow that I had to break was "I won't cry" because as a 3-year old mom had shoved my head under cold water to stop me crying, apparently there was still residue of that.)

My usual 12 people evening group was down to 4 on Wednesday night. We had the same soaking prayer as in the morning but this time there were no tears, just gratefulness. I got home early & was in bed by 10 with David Tensen soaking prayers in my earphones. I'm feeling so much better this morning & braver to embrace the fireball of cleansing that lies ahead.

I've finally allowed myself to take the time to grieve 54 years worth of losses, cry my cries & scream my screams. The pain finally outweighs the shame & it's time to get to the root & lay an axe so they too, can be put to effective death at the Cross so I can get free from this paralyzing fear of failure as well as success to bring them to death at the cross. Having used memory suppression as a habit to protect my heart, means I have few memories except what the Holy Spirit has brought to the surface, so that will require asking for help once again. 

Knowledge will never override experience & this is where He changes my experiences & I get to prove to myself (not others) that I can still do this so I can finally put to death the imposter syndrome & learn to believe in me as much as others do so I see in me what others see & also so I can finally move further than just community paint parties & encounter groups to do all that He's called me to. Thank you for the opportunity.

I seem to have lost my ability to just put on that brave, "I'm FINE" face & soldier on as I used to but somehow, being real is becoming easier. I don't want to be Mrs "Fix It" anymore. I just want to be ME.

"Jesus take the wheel!" as I work my way through another  recognition worksheet, then my friend Ester & I may need to go both ways with our confession  & repentance time on Wednesdays to lay the axe to all the roots that are  coming up hard & fast right now.🤔

Maybe  it’s time to dust off that big hairy vision from 5 years ago & check what  else is in my hands to get it off the ground.

Testing  & pruning... Lord, chip away from me everything that doesn't bring You glory.

Wait for it, testimony to follow as soon as I've processed all of this...

I received an email, in my work mailbox that was addressed to Prue, a name I hadn't heard, mentioned or wish I can say thought of in about 28 years.

Coincidentally that's the name of my then 40-year old spinster office manager, who was very angry because I was pregnant 6 weeks into my new job because during my interview, I admitted we weren't planning having children yet. But then I found out I was pregnant right after getting back from unpaid leave for a wedding in Cape Town. One week later I left the office unattended due to being hospitalised for 3 days because of an ectopic pregnancy, whilst she & the Regional Manager attended the RGM. Oh boy did I ever hear the end of that. How dare I have ended up in hospital when I was to man the office!

Subsequent to losing my baby, I was told to "get over it because 6 weeks pregnant wasn't even pregnant". That's when my high functioning depression started to crack. I ended up on anti-depressants & the more I tried to be perfect & not make mistakes the more I set myself up for failure. One day Clive found me crying on the floor when he got home & phoned her. Fatal mistake, things got even worse for me after that. I thought I'd dealt with the "I can't make mistakes." vow but here's another root to it that needs to be axed. And this could possibly be where "imposter syndrome" was solidified.

So much so, that 7 months later she insisted the boss start disciplinary action upon which Clive instructed me to resign because, by then I was pregnant with Jesse & he wasn't going to allow the work stress to endanger my pregnancy.

Fortunately my boss accepted my resignation & was kind enough to send me home immediately with full pay for the rest of the month.

This "get over it" attitude from many was the reason why I never announced a pregnancy again until well after 12 weeks gestation & hence 3 more miscarriages have been buried so deep & unannounced. For decades nobody knew anything about  my loss & grief.

Once again, Holy Spirit has brought something up to the surface so we can lay the axe to the root. Time for the digger to get to my sinful responses, Bitter-Root Judgments, Expectancies, Inner Vows & lies I've come to believe through this experience.

I'm grateful for my tribe who have my back through intercession whilst I work through this.

Proverbs 4:23 TPT

[23] So above all, guard the affections of your heart, for they affect all that you are. Pay attention to the welfare of your innermost being, for from there flows the wellspring of life.

We are all wounded & have been called to journey together on this journey of life & healing.

We are all wounded & have been called to journey together on this journey of life & healing.

I'm amazed at how God is putting people in place to minister into the different areas of wounding so we can lay an axe to the root of our sinful responses.

Elijah House has been a God sent for me, but I hadn't realised that all those bad job experiences are somehow connected to the areas of stuckness I'm still struggling with. Some more bitter judgements, expectations, inner vows, lies & dishonour to be discovered & dealt with, for starters, Prue... Dang, that email hit hard...🤦‍♀️

Then there's that business leaders meeting, autch😢 Trixi's Creations would benefit much from healing in that area. 🤔 I'm beginning to think this may be connected with "Daddy Issues"... lack of fathering & mothering is oftentimes at the root of many our struggles.

The Healing Trauma series that I run weekly at MBCC teaches that knowledge can never overwrite experience.

When there's a battle between the mind & the heart, the heart always wins. After all, it's what's in our hearts that defiles us. I still wonder sometimes, what was God thinking when He told me to start that🤔 but then again, it's as much a space of healing for me as it is for the attendees. As we are wounded & relationships, so are we healed in relationships. The heart of stone must be loved back to life by God & He does that through the body of Christ.

My prayer is that God will bring experiences that will drop the head knowledge to the heart & write God's Truth on our hearts. In time, we'll learn how to represent Christ well & take His healing to the nations, that's why He came & what He commanded us to do. To heal the broken-hearted & bind up their wounds.🤗💕

I joined Clive at the Life business leader meeting yesterday for the first time since I got totally freaked out over Zoom during lockdown a couple of years ago. It took a long time to muster up the courage to return.

All went well until we had to do a self-evaluation. How is possible it that I can share my testimony of what God has done so easily, but when it comes to who I am still I get very emotional & stuck? I was so close to tears & just wanted to run.

Wait there's more, I hear God say... Apparently, He's not finished with me yet. Watch this space, I see a whole new dimension of healing in the works...

Sometimes, when we forget who we are because something got stirred up, having a friend who can remind us of what they see in us goes such a long way...

Thank you, Kanaway Yusingco, for the reminder of what you see... I don't know how 1 person can be a cheer team... must be me, myself & I.

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I looked in our account, and there it was.

Recognition for all of his hard work. The long hours on the job. The price he is paid for getting it done.

He deserves it, and we need it.

Boy, I’m thankful.

But I don’t get the same for my job as a stay at home mum.

I work so hard every day, and night.

I literally have never worked harder.

Yet mine is purely a labour of love.

My money invisible, like so much of my work.

But that work -

That all consuming, exhausting, relentless work that comes with being a full time mother -

It comes with a wage.

Just not the usual type.

Right now my wage is in the slower mornings I get to have with my kids.

It’s in the cuddles we have throughout the day.

It’s in the new firsts I get to see, and the lasts I may never see again.

I get paid through the quiet little moments we share when no one else is watching, and the chaotic days filled with so much joy.

And boy am I lucky.

No one hands me a check for being a stay at home mum,

But my kids hand me the lottery.

Because I may be broke financially,

But I am rich in heart and soul.

Credits to the rightful owner.👇

Words: Words of Emma Heaphy

Art: O Trocatintas

This has been my reality & for most of my almost 20 years as a stay-at-home & homeschooling mom & even though Clive was the one who at the time, ordered me to resign due to the work stress affecting my health, I've felt guilty because I wasn't "earning my keep" due to a wounding as 16 year old when mom decided finishing school wasn't worth it for me. She took me to Holiday Inn in Vanderbijlpark to go to Hotel School but the manager said I had to complete school I got to go back home.

However, the judgement I had made on myself that I was worthless & LIE I had come to believe at young age that I was worthless if I didn't "earn my keep" caused me to be triggered every time someone mentioned opportunities for me to "earn money" because this experience solidified it in my spirit.

BUT God in His grace & mercy has brought the memory & my sinful responses to the surface 4 months ago to be put to death at the Cross  & now I no longer cringe at the mention of opportunities for earning money.

How timely this Google Photo reminder of my Seasons painting from 3 years ago & this word popped up in between pastor David's 2 sermons on seasons & at a time I'm experiencing a transition.

God is saying to you today, "You are entering a new season, where My promises are being prepared AND delivered. You have overcome the storms. The storms did not overtake you! You have seen what faith & My hand can do, & you never gave up. You pushed through it all, & now it's your turn to receive the blessings that I have purposefully prepared for you & your home.

Tonight my heart is bursting at its seams because I'm seeing God's promises being fulfilled. I just want to sing praises because my cup overflows.

For the first time in decades I'm feeling a joy bubbling up in my spirit. Excitement is building up it almost feels like my chest wants to explode. I want to shout it from the rooftops. "God is so good!

In March I attended the Catch the Fire Beyond 2024 conference. I wasn't going to attend it because of my exhibition being due on the Saturday morning & community paint party in the afternoon but then I saw post just days before & signed up not checking my diary. However I was able to set up my exhibition earlier. After a hectic week, I was exhausted & tempted not to go on Friday night but then I went not wanting my entrance fee go to waste. It was a powerful word by Isabelle Skúlason & I received this prophecy at the end of the teaching...

The Lord is bringing joy for there have been a lot of tears in your heart. There has been a lot of unkindness that came your way. You've often lived in an atmosphere of unkindness. You've experienced a lot of unkindness but you're going to experience the goodness & kindness of the Lord.

God is going to bring you into a place where the goodness of God comes upon you, dear.

You have been hidden but not forgotten.

The Lord wants you to know, dear that He's going to give you a cake & you will eat it too for many times opportunities have been taken from you & people have often pushed you to the back of the line & you have not complained or said anything, dear. I heard the Lord say He is bringing transformation & He will bring you from the back to the front of the line, dear.

You are not alone, even though at times it feels like it. The Lord is also going to defend you for there's been some enemies in your life. In a way unrighteousness took place against you but the Lord is going to bring righteousness in those things & righteousness & justice will come into your life. He will set some records straight & make things quite easy for you for to go forward for you have pushed against the wind a lot, dear, but the Lord is bringing the wind from your behind.

Lift up your countenance. You lower your countenance a lot, dear. Lift up your countenance for God is bringing you into a new freedom.

Refreshment & freedom are being released in your life in this season & in these days.

I've been pondering this prophecy & asking the Lord for experiences that would override my bad experiences because knowledge will never override experience & then suddenly I started to experience God's kindness & feeling the "wind" from behind.

The boundary lines have indeed fallen for me in pleasant places. 😀 Thank You, Lord that You came to heal the broken-hearted & bind up their wounds. Thank You for restoring my soul, for putting up protective fences, for bringing comfort, for providing in miraculous ways & for fighting my battles. I love You, Lord.

Freely I have received, so I can freely give. Help me, Lord to represent You well to those You've placed in my basket .🧺 Help me steward well that which You have given me, Lord. More of You, Lord. Pour your love & compassion that I may splash your love all over those around me.

In every area of my heart where my heart is still stuck in fear, Lord will You pour Your perfect love that casts out all fear.

Work in me to will and to act in order to fulfil Your good purpose. Encamp Your angels around me, Lord & increase my capacity to fulfil Your calling on my life.

I took the boys to Mooikrans for a week-long horse camp and chose to stay over instead of making the two-hour trip back home alone, only to return for them at the end of their camp. 

As a little girl, we had a horse named Blacky who threw me off one morning because Dad dared wake him up early. That experience left me petrified of horses for many years.  However, one of the other homeschool moms during this time inspired me to conquer my fears and get back in the saddle. 

This was my first time riding a horse in nearly 40 years, and it felt like a significant step towards embracing new possibilities.

This painting depicts how God took the broken, shattered pieces of my life & turned them into something beautiful.

Little Harry & his mom, Rose (she's the beautiful lady worshipping on the stage) have such a special place in my heart. I first met him & Rose the 1st time I attended the Hanahlulu Dance practice almost 2 years ago.

During our New Year's Eve Thanksgiving service, Rose shared their testimony about his birth & journey of hardship (from 1.07.20). I was in tears. In spite of all his physical challenges, Harry always smiles & is the most well-behaved little kid when he sits through mom's activities.

His favourite colours are pink & yellow. I wanted to bless him for Christmas, so I poured this fiery pink sky specially for him to make him a flag. Mom's Scripture & the eagle were added digitally so he could have his own flag to dance with us in the foyer during worship. He originally wanted it half the size, but in a forgetful moment I ordered a big on which he decided he was happy to grow into.

I encourage you to listen to their story & be encouraged at how God can & will carry us through the hard times.

In spite of 2 major triggers over the last 4 weeks, I can now officially exclaim the enemy has won no victories & I'm still standing... thank You Jesus that You came to set the captives free & that You will use all the things I've been through for good.

I have good reason to celebrate: new LIFE in Christ.

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭145:1‭-‬3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

[1] I will exalt you, my God the King; I will praise your name for ever and ever. [2] Every day I will praise you and extol your name for ever and ever. [3] Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom.

For the past few months Clive's been pushing me to start a learning channel so I could earn money to fund the ministry I'm doing. For some reason it's made me feel like a bewildered deer being pushed into a corner. I've said it many times before, my focus isn't business & I have to learn to trust that God will provide whatever I need to do the ministry He's called me to. For some reason the mere thought of running a business totally overwhelms me. He wants the learning channel to launch in March, a decision he had made without my collaboration & the more he pushes to get things done, the more triggered I become.

Finally he decided to pull out & just support me in whatever I wanted to do whenever I'm ready & withdrew to his study after which found myself overwhelmed & frustrated in the garden pulling out the overgrown grass edges he was going to do whilst on holiday. I spent the next hour or so crying & pulling out overgrowth until I finally had to stop just because my back was aching & couldn't handle any more.

Then the Lord gave me a memory....

When I was about 16, mom decided I should go to hotel school because it would be a waste of time for me to complete high school. I would live in the hotel, she would "take care" of my salary & give me pocket money. I dared not disagree & felt I had no choice in the matter as she drove me to the Holiday Inn in VanderbijIpark to meet will the manager. However, he disagreed I insisted I come back after I finished high school.

It was dark & raining by the time we drove back home. By the time we got to the N1 onramp mom had to pull off the road & wait for the storm to settle before continuing the journey home. The atmosphere in the car during the hour long drive was palpable, not a word uttered by either of us.

I concluded & judged:

• Mom's love is conditional to how I can benefit her

• I'm not good enough to get job

• If I don't earn money, I'm worthless.

• Do as you're told irrespective of how it makes you feel.

• My opinions & feelings are not important.

I came to expect:

• I won't be valued unless I contribute financially

• People will always use me for their benefit.

• My opinions don't matter I will be dismissed.

• I won't be heard.

I protected my heart by

• Shutting up.

• Complying & following orders.

• Decided not to make waves.

• Decided to be useful.

• Became driven to earn my keep.

• Sacrificed my own needs & opinions to keep the peace.

I came to believe that:

• I'm worthless if I can't contribute financially

• I have to earn my keep.

• My opinions don't matter.

• I'm not important

• I'm not worth being taken care of

This resulted in various ungodly fruit:

• Anger Outbursts

• Fear of failure & success

• Procrastination

• Self Sabotage

• Drivenness to do & be a contributor.

• I was angry, but turned it inward.

If that fear / anger could talk, what would it say?

• fear - I'll be rejected if I'm not contributing

• anger - mom never considered / respected ME.

Having put to death all these lies, judgments, expectations & vows, I can now finally rest in the knowledge, that even if I don't do anything that brings in money, I'm still valuable & loved, not for what I can contribute, but for WHO I am.

Pastor David asked me to share a testimony during our  end of the year Thanksgiving Service...

Psalms‬ ‭103:2‭-‬5‬ ‭NIV‬‬

[2] Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits— [3] who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, [4] who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, [5] who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

In January 2019, the Lord delivered me from a lifelong struggle with depression & suicidal thoughts after watching an online sermon. However, deliverance needs to go hand-in-hand with healing. We can't just clean the house by chasing the demons, but we also have to get rid of the reason why the strong man was there in the first place. Then we must dismantle the stronghold so God can become our refuge & stronghold, otherwise, when we experience a situation that triggers those old feelings, we'll reach for the familiar or we'll replace the false refuges with new ones. My strongholds remained & because my trauma hadn't been resolved, I merely replaced my false refuges with church, choir & serving. When lockdown came the mat was once again ripped out from under me but through God's divine intervention, I stumbled onto Sandra's online "Trauma Training" webinar during which I realised I was the one standing in the need of prayer.

Last January during my B-School small group prayer ministry the Holy Spirit revealed that I had judged mom & dad as cold, distant, emotionally unavailable & unloving. Dishonouring mom & dad set me up for a lifetime of reaping. I had vowed never to become like mom & dad but that didn't go well for me. When we judge, we doom ourselves to do the same things & subsequently I became cold, distant & emotionally unavailable. When my boys became older, they too became cold & distant. After all, children learn what they LIVE, right?

Scripture teaches us to honour Mom & Dad. Deuteronomy 5:16 (NASB1995) Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be prolonged and that it may go well with you on the land which the Lord your God gives you.

In every area where we dishonour mom & dad things won't go well with us & where my boys are concerned, things weren't going so well. As they got older, they too became cold, distant & withdrawn. After all, children learn what they LIVE, right? However, after repenting & apologising to my boys for my many mistakes as well as continuing to pursue my healing, our relationships have changed significantly in our family.

My biggest transformation happened at C-School in July last year when my strongholds of denial & shame were dismantled. At D-School hidden rebellion & self-hatred was dealt with resulting in a massive improvement in my allergic reactions to food. I can now eat cheese without getting migraines afterwards.

Running the Elijah House Encounter groups have been a massive learning experience for me. When the Lord prompted me to do it last year, my first response was a resounding "no ways, I'm ill-equipped & struggle with social anxiety. Surely, you can find someone better to do it!" but I have since learnt God can do more with my yes than I can do with all the education in the world. Courage & confidence follows OBEDIENCE! I've had to step way outside of my comfort zone & learn to trust that God would give me the ability to do what HE called me to do. I'm learning to lead, to trust, be authentic & also vulnerable enough to allow those around me to lift my arms when I feel weak. However I am now content with my weaknesses because God's grace is sufficient for me & His strength is revealed through my weakness.

During our Healing the Hearts of our Children series, this week we did pre-birth & toddler as well as a blessing.

We learnt how science is catching up now to the Bible, that's always taught that humans can perceive & respond to things from conception. From the very beginning, an unborn child's spirit is fully operational & fully thinking. For many of us, trauma started before we were born when we perceived mom & dad's "oh no" to the discovery of pregnancy & in our brokenness, we can pass that on to our children.

We also learnt how important it is to speak blessing over our children & how the blessing that is unspoken is actually a kind of curse that impacts us well into adulthood.

Having grown up with much criticism & no blessings, I realised what hurt me most was the silence of the words I needed to hear but never did. The "I love you!"s, affirmations & encouragements I never heard & eventually vowed I won't need. Our parents can't give what they haven't received & in their lack, I, too, missed out & did exactly the same to my boys.

When there are no parents speaking of blessing, God will often send someone else to do that. He has done that for me many times, but because of my bitter resolve that I won't be needy & will survive without it, I have never been able to receive it.

Sandra & Peter prayed a mother's & father's blessing over us & when Sandra gave the word about resounding "Oh NO!" & breaking the power of that as well as the word about a lifelong contention of continuously starting over digging wells & that the contention is over, the tears just became uncontrollable & my group members ended up praying for me after we signed off from the life.

As a group leader, I felt somewhat ashamed for unravelling, but then again, learning to allow others to love me back to life is all part of the journey. After all, I don't have to have it all together to help others on their journey of healing. I can lead by example whilst working through my own challenges.

With that, we've wrapped up our lessons for this year. For the last few weeks of this year, we'll meet for worship, fellowship & if necessary, prayer ministry to anyone who needs it. We already have one lined up for next week. I'm praying the Lord will use us to do the very best thing for her...

I received this word from Sandra during prayer ministry on 4/6/2020...

Be still & know I am here.

INVEST:
The Lord wants you to invest in you personally.
You're not a waste of time, money & effort.
What would that look like?
• Take time to discover what fills your creative well
• new haircut?
• new dress?
• Take the time & money you need for qualifications?
• How can l express the beauty of me?

I think I'm slowly but surely getting to the point of knowing what it looks like🤔 

Watch this space...

I've rebelled for 2 years, but my friend, Dorina, will be especially delighted with my most recent acquisitions.🤦‍♀️

True worship is not about your skill or technique. It is about your heart being tuned in to the Holy Spirit, trusting Him to lead you. It is easy to be confident when you are talented with skill.

Only the Holy Spirit can take you beyond your skill, or lack tTrue worship is not about your skill or technique; it is about having your heart attuned to the Holy Spirit and trusting Him to lead you. While it can be easy to feel confident when you possess talent, true worship goes beyond that.

Only the Holy Spirit can elevate you beyond your skills—or lack thereof—into the very throne room of God when you surrender yourself to Him.

Thank you, Juls, for the time you invested in teaching me back then. I never would have thought I would dance again after 30 years. Love and miss you, sis.hereof into the very throneroom of God as you surrender yourself to Him.

Thanks, Juls, for all the time you invested way back then to teach the likes of me for such a time as this... who would have thought, I'd ever dance again after 30 years.

Love & miss ya, sis.

For the past 2 years, the Lord has talked to me about returning to my first love.

In the early 90s, I was on the church dance and drama team in Cape Town. I used to love it. We would do dances and prayer walks with flags through. I loved it, but when we moved to Johannesburg, there were no dance and drama teams in the churches we attended.

Then life happened, and I stopped doing everything I used to love. During worship, I would see myself dancing, but my feet were heavy, and I couldn't get myself to do more than raise my hands.

After much healing and breakthrough, I've finally managed to break free from the stuckness to dance before the Lord.