Two weeks ago, on Monday morning, after my experience with writing "I am loved" on 21 canvases for the Sunday school paint party (https://www.trixiscreations.com/post/uitskryf-werk), our Elijah House Keynote lesson was "How we See God." This lesson deals with how we perceive God through our trauma-tainted lenses. I have seen this lesson at least 6 times before, but this time I was undone & ended up receiving prayer ministry from Ester & Rose.

During prayer ministry, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that the reason I was unable to accept that I am loved in spite of all the evidence that I am loved was that my perception & definition of love had been warped due to childhood neglect and wounding. I had come to believe & expect that to be loved was to be neglected, reprimanded, criticised, ignored, and treated unkindly. My identification of love was all skewed.

Knowledge will never overwrite experience, and even though I knew the Biblical definition of love that corresponds with my current experience, the battle between my head and my heart was fierce. Deep down in my heart, I was still expecting what I had come to believe is love before I could feel I was loved.

‭‭1 Corinthians 13:4-8 AMP‬‬

[4] Love endures with patience and serenity; love is kind and thoughtful and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. [5] It is not rude; it is not self-seeking; it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. [6] It does not rejoice at injustice but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. [7] Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], and endures all things [without weakening]. [8] Love never fails [it never fades nor ends]. But as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for the gift of special knowledge, it will pass away.

Even though I had learnt to treat others with love, kindness, dignity, and respect, I wasn't able to receive it for myself, nor was I able to treat myself in the same way.

Then, to rub it all in, on Thursday morning, at Business Leadership Group, John Maxwell's lesson dealt with his most important relationship with God & how often we have a wrong picture of God, which causes us to misunderstand & miss out on having a relationship with Him.

1. Fence

Sometimes we see God as a fence or wall that's really tall, forbidding, without doors or openings, and no way around it. We may believe in Him, but He's unreachable on the other side of the fence/wall, and there's no way to reach Him.

2. Ladder

Sometimes we see Him as a ladder that we need to climb by doing good works, doing all the right things, & trying to be a good person. We hope that if we're "good enough," we can work our way to God.

3. Garbage Can

And sometimes, we see all the negative things about ourselves that we've done, & we're looking at a filthy garbage can, and we're ashamed and feel unworthy to see God. We think we've done too much wrong, & God wouldn't want to see us, so we avoid Him."

4. Door

God is standing at the door of our hearts, gently knocking & asking to come into those unbelieving areas where we're trying to bring order by ourselves before letting Him in.

Jesus wants us to invite Him into the broken places of our hearts — deep into the core of who we are. He wants us to yield to the process so we can be filled & restored to our original design.

Already, whilst watching the video, I became emotional, felt the tears well up, and realised I didn't have any tissues in my pockets. Then it came my turn to read the paragraph, "God wants us to know Him. He wants a relationship with us. And you need to understand something. If God is 1,000 steps away from you, He will take the first 999 steps to get to you. All He asks you & me to do is take one step." By the time I got to 999, I lost my composure and ran out of the meeting in tears. My first instinct was to get into my car and rush back home, but instead I ran up to the bathroom to let the tears flow, composed myself, and a few minutes later, headed back into the meeting.

The reflection questions are always the hardest for me; however, here's how I related to these four pictures of God:

When I hardened my heart even before birth, when I felt the unsafe post-abortion environment, I built the wall that shut God and others out. I've subsequently spent my life trying to climb the ladder of doing & am still struggling with the garbage of my mistakes, which has prevented me from fully stepping through the door that I've seen in visions on numerous occasions during prayer ministry. He left the 99 to come find ME!

I recognise that I need to be more intentional about recognising when I'm tempted to put up walls, climb the ladder, or revert back to the garbage can when I'm dealing with issues that seem too hard to face.

My battle is not yet over, because last night we started Sandra's UNashamed teaching series, and from the get-go, even though this was my 3rd time working through the "Shame? Who? Me?" worksheet, and I have improved in many areas, but my life is still pretty much shame-based.

I'm grateful that God has placed me in a family to help me through the process of sanctification and transformation so He may be glorified.