One morning I was sitting on the swing in the park at Schnapper Rock, numbscrolling through Facebook. I had hit rock-bottom but suddenly this photo my friend, Wendy had taken appeared on my feed & I heard the Lord say "You will soar like an eagle because My love will carry you through this pain."

This month, 3 years ago I went cold turkey on my anti-depressants, because I ran out a week ahead of my scheduled appointment with my doctor. This is  something we’re told we should never do, but God helped me through the mild withdrawal symptoms & 4 months later, He miraculously lifted the spirit of heaviness that had plagued me all my life…

Lockdown had triggered me back into my lifelong struggle with rejection & abandonment but God overwhelmingly started speaking to me about stepping out into my purpose. A message that really struck home during this time was that there were 12 disciples in the boat when Jesus said: "Come", not mentioning any one. Only 1 believed enough to step out...

Matthew 14:29

So He said, "Come." And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. 30But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, "Lord, save me!"

During my coaching with Vicky last week the first of my limiting beliefs: "What I say is not important enough for me to speak up" was exposed.

My homework assignment was to create an affirmation statement to replace this belief with: "What I say has value".

This week I'm learning to get used to hearing my own voice after all, faith comes by hearing.

When we're traumatised & wounded as little children, we start to believe the lies that we perceive from our experiences & surroundings. We learn what we LIVE & loose our identity in God to that which the world has forced upon us. During prayer ministry the Holy Spirit addressed some of the foundational lies that have weighed me down all of my life.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

2 Corinthians 5:17

• Feisty

• Strong spirit

• Fighter

• Warrior

Spirit of death wrapped around in the womb.

Jesus makes everything new!

"I see a little girl with an anvil above her head" A huge weight of LIES

Trauma of verbal abuse.

GOD'S TRUTH:

• I have chosen you

• I love you

• You are worthy

• Your are valuable

• You are good enough

• I will do what I have      promised.

• Daughter of the King

"I see Jesus giving that little girl a crown. It's quite big crown. It's quite a weighty crown. It's real. It's gold but it's not too heavy for the little girl. It's not a burden for her to carry"

GOD'S TRUTH:

• I have chosen you

• I love you

• You are worthy

• Your are valuable

• You are good enough

• I will do what I have promised.

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

Proverbs 31:10 KJV

An excellent woman [one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous], who is he who can find her? Her value is more precious than jewels and her worth is far above rubies or pearls.

Proverbs 31:10 AMP

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

Proverbs 31:10 NIV

EXCELLENT in the Hebrew means:

• Might / mighty

• Strength / strong

• Power / powerful

• Ability / able

• Virtue / virtuous

• Valour / courageous

• Riches / wealthy

God has made you a little girl / woman of substance & wealth.

Instead of "this is who I am" vows become this is who I have to be/do

In order to survive you had to go against who you were.

During lockdown last year I had to deal with my lack of courage to step out & speak up as well faulty belief that my voice has no value. 2 unrelated people assisted  Interestingly the 1st person had me draw a lion to symbolise being bold. Sadly my first attempt at drawing Simba turned out to be Scar so I was determined to try gin later. Then I received the word that God was giving me my roar back during prayer ministry with Sandra.

Proverbs 28:1

"The wicked flee though no one pursues,

but the righteous are as bold as a lion."

 From the moment of conception parents pour into the "treasure chest" of who we are:

• Love, gentleness, compassion

• Truth... Even before we can cognitively understand
  Important truths of who we are & also truths of who God is, are instilled by the nurture of caring parents.
   

Parents call us forth into life, & help us learn to walk in our destiny & purpose. If we choose to open our hearts & take it in:

• We are empowered to receive love

• Parents are building storage shelves / places to receive love, compliments etc.

• Our capacity to love others is enlarged

•  I was created to love & be loved

• We begin to fulfil the very purpose for which we were created... To receive love & give it away

• We need to receive the gift of honour from people.

• Whatever we missed as babies He can rebuild.

• Fathers help children discover up to 80% of their identity.

• Fathers call us forward & speak into us.

During 1 of my 3 hour prayer ministry sessions with Sandra, I received this word of knowledge:

Everyone has a shelf to receive love, affirmations, compliments etc. but your shelf is ful of holes  & no shelf at all. There is no shelf in you to receive affirmations, praise & compliments.

Jesus is a carpenter & is able to take out he shelf & build you a new one. He will heal the wounds & the holes from the lack of love, validation & encouragement.

Revelation 21:5

Behold I make all things new.

Recently a word of knowledge, although intended as an encouragement, unleashed all power of darkness in a battle for my mind. 

All hell broke loose in my spirit followed by nightmares, angst & an intense spirit of heaviness on my chest. I felt really intimidated for days until I finally reached out for support. Thankfully, God has surrounded me with community who has my back & prays with me when I don't know how to pray for myself. Peeling off the layers is a slow & sometimes painful process & yes it does provoke the enemy to attack in an attempt to prevent you from getting your breakthrough. Just keep at it & don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Yes, I'm talking to MYSELF too, asking for help has been of my biggest challenges. Some of my most recently renounced inner vows were "I will not ask for help; I have to take care of myself; I have to protect myself" because of my bitter root expectation that nobody cares anyway. We are stronger together, hence his constant efforts to keep us disconnected. UNITED we STAND, but divided we will fall.

10Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. 11Put on the whole armour of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13Therefore take up the whole armour of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

Jesus never promised us that we would not have trouble, in fact, He said that in this world we WILL HAVE TROUBLE but take heart, He has OVERCOME the world.  (John 16:33)

Putting on the armour of God is something all of us should be doing every morning because we do not wrestle against flesh & blood. Be sober & vigilant because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. As soon as we step out into our purpose we become a threat to his evil schemes & he will stop at nothing to take us out. 

Putting it down on paper has not been easy. I tried a couple of times unsuccessfully until I re-discovered a painting program on my tablet the other day. Painted the background digitally. The texts were created in WordCloud & I used Affinity Publisher to combine it all. 

My breakthrough 

I discovered some truths about me according to Isaiah 61 & 62 this morning.

I will:

• Rebuild ancient ruins.

• Restore former desolations.

• Renew ruined cities.

• Be known as the Lord’s      priests & ministers of our God.

• Receive DOUBLE portion in      place of shame.

• REJOICE in place of disgrace.

• Have eternal Joy.

• Be clothed with garments of      salvation.

• Be wrapped in the robes of      righteousness.

• Nations will see your      righteousness & kings your glory.

• God will give you a NEW NAME.

• You will be a GLORIOUS CROWN      & a ROYAL DIADEM in the Hand of God.

• No longer called desolate      & deserted.

• The lord DELIGHTS in you      & REJOICES over you.

• You will be called SOUGHT OUT      7 not forsaken.

I've only been painting for 6 months mostly watercolour & was told to paint myself as a tree at my counselling session earlier this week, so here goes my first attempt... I must admit I didn't enjoy doing acrylics on canvas as much because the paint just dries so fast it was hard to get everything covered on time.

Good solid tree right there! Not easily blown about by whichever wind is blowing.

Full of lush growth and strong supporting branches.

Practice makes progress...

When I had prayer ministry with Sandra, the discussion around this tree came up. She said:

• A plant will only grow as big as the container you put it in.

• What was received from mom was so little that heart roots weren't able to grow deeply on a soul level.

• Spirit was able to get past the barriers but the soul is struggling.

• When a plant is root bound the water doesn't get through for nourishment properly.

• The narrowing in the stem indicates the constriction of the soul as a child.

• Lacking soul development.

• Jesus designed the branch & the trinity.

• Roots are good & strong.

• Tree is healthy.

• Lack of fruit. Not doing what I was called to thus not bearing fruit.

For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters,

Which spreads out its roots by the river,

And will not fear when heat comes;

But its leaf will be green,

And will not be anxious in the year of drought,

Nor will cease from yielding fruit.

Jeremiah 17:8

• There is a season between the      flowers & the fruit. Pre-fruit season.

• Good fruit

• Seeking prayer ministry

• Being able to repent

• Being close to God

• Performance if we're not      doing we don't have tangible results.

• Jesus didn't have much      visible fruit in the first 33 years but when the time was right it all      came.

• when the time is ripe the      fruit will show

In May 21 I attended the Loved, Chosen & Free Seminar, a 1-day healing shame seminar. The first session was working through a worksheet of shame strongholds & ticking never/seldom/painfully so & of the 36 items listed, I shamefully admit almost all were "Painfully So".  After the lesson, I found myself up front with Sandra for a live prayer demo to dismantle the foundational lie I had come to believe that "I am a mistake". During the demo Sandra asked if Trixi was my real name upon which I had to own up to Patrizia. During lunch a lady came up to me saying Trixi, you need to claim your name back do you know what it means? I replied that I didn't & very excitedly she reported it means "of noble birth" & that Trixi means "bringer of joy". As I mentioned in my previous testimony, the attack on my identity started in the womb & not owning my name & it’s meaning was just part of that.

My lifelong struggle has been feeling rejected, abandoned, unloved & not belonging here. During healing prayer ministry session at healing prayer training, the Holy Spirit took me back into the womb & dealt with the root of those feelings. This was a confirmation received by means of a vision one of the intercessors had.means of a vision one of the intercessors had.

Jeremiah 31:3

The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with loving kindness have I drawn thee.

I received prayer ministry during healing prayer ministry training recently. This painting is based on a word received as confirmation that I am welcome in this world. God was there at birth, held me first & covered me with love.

Romans 8:14-17

14For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God. 15For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. 16The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: 17and if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.

I received an email from the lady who interceded whilst I was receiving prayer after intercessor training because I had been severely triggered by the lesson. 

"I had an image come to me of a ‘cloud’ of cotton wool being wrapped around you, and felt the Lord was saying He is wrapping you in cotton wool. 

There is a saying that an ‘over-protective parent wraps their child in cotton wool’ and is often considered a negative thing, but in this case it was definitely a positive thing.

Your Heavenly Father, like an over-protective parent is wrapping you, his beloved child, with His protection. Except that God is ‘perfectly-protective’!  

Be encouraged to know your Father loves you, and loves to protect you. May you relax into His loving arms, find rest in His wrap-around embrace, and be at peace as He holds you close."

Isaiah 61:10I greatly rejoice in the Lord, I exult in my God; for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation and wrapped me in a robe of righteousness, as a groom wears a turban and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

My first attempt in my journal was rather disappointing so I tried again this time using my tablet & Infinite Painter app.

In July 2021, A-School taught me that when we are wounded, we come to expect people will hurt us again & can't be trusted. We make judgements about people & subsequently inner vows to protect our hearts from being wounded in a similar way again. When we judge others, we doom ourselves to do the same thing. We harden our hearts & shut others out. This sets up for a cycle of reaping from the seeds we've sown.

Often we reap the judgement & consequences of dishonouring parents. I learnt that when we dishonour our parents by judging them for hurting/neglecting us, we will become like what we judged & that marriage & children create the perfect environment for these seeds to germinate & grow. As a little girl, I had hardened my heart & shut people out because keeping them at a distance makes rejection & abandonment les painful, or so I thought. When I became cold, distant & emotionally unavailable to name just a few aspects where my bitter root judgements, expectations & inner vows I had made even before birth had set me up for some serious reaping.  Every single lesson had moments of realisation when I would think "oh dear, that's me, I became what I judged & did that to my family..." but also how God has healed & restored the areas I’ve brought to effective death at the cross.

I discovered I am performance orientated & constantly keep falling back into striving to earn love by performing. We often live unaware that motives other than God’s love have begun to corrupt our serving through striving, tension & fear. I also learnt that we see God through our trauma-tainted glasses & relate to Him according to our judgements, expectations & inner vows. As a tiny girl, my basic trust had been shattered still find myself wondering “Can I really trust Him?”

And I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within you; and I will take the stony heart out of their flesh, and will give them an heart of flesh:
Ezekiel 11:19 KJV

Well over 3 decades ago I received this scripture as part of a prophesy by an American preacher who was visiting our church. At the time I thought it was related to the promise included in his prophesy that God would restore my family & He would turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers Malachi 4:6 KJV

However, recently I realised that word was for me... I have a heart of stone resulting from decades of self protection...

By the time I was 6, we had already moved at least 4 times & when we migrated to South Africa I lost everyone I knew. Many more moves & being the "new kid" in class for 12 different schools followed. With only snail mail available back then all connections were lost so I decided not to make friends, because friendships don't last. I built walls around my heart, hardened my heart, disconnected & shut people out.

The heart of stone is formed as a protection & is by nature private. Healing it cannot be done alone. It needs to be resurrected. It is not melted by authority, but rather by the love of Jesus. We must be ambassadors of that love. We cannot heal the heart of stone by ourselves. We need people to journey with us. The heart of stone must be loved back to life by God THROUGH His people. It must be healed corporately, by the Body of Christ. The process of healing is apt to be slow/progressive, like peeling an onion.

People help bring hearts to life.

• Appropriate & intentional touching & hugging is required.

• Loving prayers spoken to reach the heart of the inner child.

• Truthful friends

• Practice confession of sins & weaknesses.

• Help build loving support through family, church & small groups.

• Honour the heart.

• Put in new ways of protection.

• Guarding your heart in the RIGHT way is turning to God.

And herein now lies my purpose: being an ambassador for Christ & loving people back to life.

"This is how I felt after the reality of this morning's announcement hit home. Medical apartheid is officially being rung in by our authorities. My heart aches for the injustices millions are suffering at the hands of our ""single source of truth"" authorities tyrannical measures to force an experimental 💉 on the whole nation. I stand for God-given freedom of CHOICE. We're effectively being held hostage until 90% 💉 is reached😡🤯💔

BUT God... nothing can separate me from His love."

Psalm 42:5"Why art thou cast down, O my soul?

And why art thou disquieted in me?

Hope thou in God:

For I shall yet praise him For the help of his countenance."

A quick digital painting based on a vision received from a prayer partner on on of our Tuesday morning prayer meetings a couple of months ago. When life seems uphill & you're wondering how much further you can go, look back & see how far you've already come.

Philippians 3:13Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead

After messaging an intercessor friend over my massive heart-break with the church we called home, implementing CV passports & thus condoning exclusion, discrimination, apartheid & segregation, she set me up with a Healing rooms prayer meeting via zoom.

The session started with each of the intercessors sharing a word of wisdom they had received during prayer before I entered the room. 

This was the 3nd intercessor's vision:

After messaging an intercessor friend over my massive heart-break with the church we called home, implementing CV passports & thus condoning exclusion, discrimination, apartheid & segregation, she set me up with a Healing rooms prayer meeting via zoom.

The session started with each of the intercessors sharing a word of wisdom they had received during prayer before I entered the room. 

This was the 1st vision

Heaviness, some physical problem manifested in the spiritual realm that is holding on to something, anger or unforgiveness. Spring water is pouring out onto this person spiritual cleansing that will bring healing and joy.

What the enemy meant for evil God is using for good...

In Nehemiah 13, we read of Nehemiah’s final reforms. They read from the ‘Book of Moses’ (v.1) how ‘Our God… turned the curse into a blessing’ (v.2). This is the pattern throughout the Bible. ‘In all things God works for the good of those who love him’ (Romans 8:28). What you are facing in your life right now may seem like a curse – a health issue, a battle in a relationship, a difficult boss, or whatever. It may seem like a curse but God can turn the curse into a blessing.

After messaging an intercessor friend over my massive heart-break with the church we called home, implementing CV passports & thus condoning exclusion, discrimination, apartheid & segregation, she set me up with a Healing rooms prayer meeting via zoom.

The session started with each of the intercessors sharing a word of wisdom they had received during prayer before I entered the room. 

This was the 2nd intercessor's vision:

I see a very old style CD Player, stuck in a groove, it keeps repeating. Then I see Jesus saying: "give it to me and I'll give you a new CD."

You've been hearing & listening to the same old lies over & over. It's time to bring those lies to Jesus so He can replace them with God's Truth.

With the manipulation, coercion & blackmail  for 💉 I was triggered back into the trauma & shame of the generational curse from the holocaust based on my birth in Germany as well as the blame & shame caused by apartheid in South Africa where I was raised. I had carried blame & shame that wasn't mine to carry, all my life & it was time to bring it to the cross. 

I heard: "It's all your fault." but truth is, I had nothing to do with either of these incidences. The blame & shame is not mine to carry. I'm not responsible. 

Having stood up against the injustice of apartheid & discrimination all my life, I ain't stopping now.

For more than 3 decades, whenever I questioned my purpose, this scripture & song would pop into my head. However, due to my own brokenness, I've carried the added guilt & shame of not acting upon what's been on my heart until my path crossed with Elijah House Prayer Ministries 2 years ago. I have since experienced phenomenal restoration & broken down many strongholds. BUT God is not finished with me yet.

At B-School January 2022 I dealt with displacement trauma that was severely triggered by being shut out of church with the discrimination & apartheid of vaccine passports. By the time I stopped counting at 18, we had moved 30 times & when we visited my family in Germany after 34 years, my uncles showed us 4 homes we lived in before we moved to South Africa at 5. I was in 9 primary & 3 high schools. By the time I was 6 I stopped trying to break into the groups because I had decided relationships don't last & spent the rest of my time at school a loner & remained an "outsider", never fitting in anywhere.

Displacement Trauma = Transplant shock. So much energy goes into trying to get established again after every move.

• Not rooted & grounded in love

• Inability to make deep & lasting friendships

• Not connected to extended family

• Country changes.

• No time to re-establish before being moved

I also discovered that those all those very noble causes I spent my life doing, church, choir & serving, were in fact, false refuges. Yes, I discovered the motive of my heart for doing all those things was a need to be needed & I was medicating my pain, not with alcohol, addictions, or other ugly habits, but with religion, serving & being a martyr to satisfy my need to be accepted & acknowledged. My sense of self-worth was wrapped up in serving others instead of my identity in Christ.

Parental inversion is not an easy sin to hate. The difficulty is that it has become for many the most noble definition of life; the sacrifice & service it involves are readily justified by Scripture. But God asks us to lay down our lives for others for His sake, rather than out of the impure motives of our wounded hearts. The problem is not what we are doing but WHY.

I spent my life denying, minimising & hiding my pain. You know that LIE that all is well & I am FINE whilst internally falling apart, I've lived it for as long as I can remember. My fine meant Freaking Out - Insecure - Neurotic - Emotional. About 6 years ago, Clive cottoned on to my FINE meaning something different & would ask my fine or your fine?

I also learnt that just like we clearly inherit blessings passed down from our forefathers, trouble passes from generation to generation & it was up to me to break the pattern of generational sin/trauma in my family. Children don't learn what we teach, but what they LIVE. If they live with love & acceptance, they become loving & accepting but if they live with abuse & neglect, they learn to hate themselves. We are all products of our environment & our responses to it. Too often we are the casualties of our parents’ unresolved trauma. There's a pattern of alcohol abuse, violence & divorce in both my parent's families. Even though, Jesus took upon Himself the sins of humanity in Gethsemany - past, present & future; our healing still requires confession, forgiveness & repentance.

It 'runs in the family" until someone decides to put a stop to it. I had to draw the proverbial line in the sand, repent & ask for forgiveness on behalf of previous generations so future generations can be set free from the curse Whatever we don’t bring to effective death at the cross will carry over to our children & their children with increase...

Like much of our walk with God, being freed from generational sin is a process.

In 1989 shortly after being born again I had a nightmare that would haunt me for decades.   I dreamt I was standing on a rock & the earth was cracking open all around me. Homes would break & huge portions would fall down into the abyss, leving a wave of destruction everywhere. As far as my eyes could see people were scattered & being separated by the earth cracking between them.   Then suddenly, I woke up in a cold sweat to a loud audible voice saying: " JY MOET AANHOU BID!"  I've had so many nightmares during my life but for this one stuck with me & l've often wondered what was up with that but now I believe that it was God's warning to prepare for the turmoil & division in families & churches that we've recently experienced. Sadly, the displacement & trauma this division has left in it's wake will haunt us for generations to come.

Having an identity is one of the most important things to our human nature. "Personal identity” is tied to our self-worth, how we see ourselves represented on a broad global stage among 7 billion other people.

A name is your identity. It’s what people call you. It’s what you respond to. It’s what you understand about yourself. From the day we are born, we are assigned this identifier. Some people get nicknames or change their name entirely after they are born, but the common thread is a NAME. Every single thing on planet Earth has a name. PATRIZIA: • Meaning of 444 in the Bible: 444 is a symbol of God's righteousness in the bible. • Meaning: The meaning of the name Patricia is: a patrician (an aristocrat or nobleman), of noble birth/descent. TRIXI: • bringer of joy • Meaning: bringer of joy. Trixie as a girl's name is of English origin meaning "bringer of joy." I have spent my life shying away from my name because I had disassociated from myself & people always struggled to pronounce it & would end up giving me nicknames Pat, Patat, Trish to name a few. I've lived by Trys for much of my life & after moving to New Zealand I reverted to Trixi, a nickname my grandmother had given me before we left Germany & was revived during my visit 34 years later after her death. I reverted to Trixi in an attempt to dissociate from my past because Patrizia & Trys reminded me of all the pain & trauma I had experienced throughout my life. All my life, I hated my name (which I learnt last year is actually spiritual rebellion), but after prayer ministry in May 2021, I was told to claim my name back. It's taken a long time, but I've finally embraced my name... & really appreciate those all the more who call me Patrizia.

In May last year during the Elijah House Loved, Chosen, Free seminar prayer ministry demo to dismantle my foundational lie, "I am a mistake!", quite oddly Sandra asked me if Trixi was my real name & I said no, my name is Patrizia. She wrote it on her notes & continued ministry. During the lunch break a lady asked me if I knew what my name meant. I didn't but she had checked... Patrizia (a name I've shied away from all my life) means of noble birth & Trixi means bringer of joy. She insisted I ought to reclaim my name. God gave humanity the authority to name things & invest it with all that a name carries: Identity, destiny & calling.

However for most of my life I was known as Trys which has no connection whatsoever to any my names...

A few weeks later it dawned on me that the enemy had attacked me on the area of my identity even before birth when mom wanted to call me Elisabeth meaning blessing of God but Oma insisted she give me a decent name because all the women in our family before mom were Elisabeth.

During A-School group prayer ministry we prayed through the issues with accepting my name & I have since taken full ownership of it hence I now introduce myself as "My name is Patrizia but if you struggle to pronounce it, you may call me Trixi.

In January, during EH B-School, Sandra had a vision saying: "I see the Lord with a mantle of nobility. It's yours if you wish to claim it." I felt she was talking to me but due to my stronghold of denial, guilt, shame & a hardened heart I was unable to accept it at the time.

Last week's EH C-School was all about shame & sexual abuse. For the first time since it happened to me 40 years ago, it dawned on me that molestation IS sexual abuse & I was shaken to the core but I had to embrace the fireball of pain in order to get to my healing. All these years I have coped by denying the severity of my abuser's actions & suppressing all the resulting trauma & emotions as well as blaming myself & hardening my heart. During group prayer ministry on Thursday afternoon, the Lord exposed the lies, denial, false guilt & shame subsequently dismantling my biggest stronghold yet.

On Friday morning whilst driving to our last day of classes, the Lord reminded me of Sandra's vision about the mantle & then I heard Him say: "It's still yours, my child, come take your mantle."

A person's name is the greatest connection to their own identity and individuality. Some might say it is the most important word in the world to that person. ... When someone remembers our name after meeting us, we feel respected and more important. It makes a positive and lasting impression on us.

On Thursday evening at the Elijah House gathering, I shared my story of my healing ministry journey & how God delivered me from a lifelong struggle with depression & suicidal thoughts to my latest deliverance & dismantling of the stronghold of denial, minimisation of trauma & shame in order to survive & protect my heart. 

Throughout my life, my sinful responses, bitter root judgements, bitter expectancies & inner vows resulted repeated trauma & my withdrawal, heart of stone & slumbering spirit, the few remaining of many strongholds of self-protection that I've had in my life. These remaining trauma responses require the Lord loving me back to life through His people but up to C-School healing ministry my self-protection has hindered me from allowing people & even God too close in order to do that. 

We are hurt in relationships & these issues can only be healed in relationships. Intimacy (into me see) however, has been one of my biggest struggles because of shame vulnerability & allowing people to see into me has been extremely hard.  Oom Was shared this poem with me during our conversation after the gathering. It resonated with me & I just couldn't resist decorating it for sharing.

C-School in April 2022 was the hardest for me because the lessons dealt with sexual abuse trauma. Honestly, I don't remember any of the lessons except, Sandra's comment that we must embrace the fireball of pain to get to our healing & that I cried through most of week's lessons & resisted the urge to run from group sessions all week.

For the first time since it happened to me as a 12-year-old, I had to admit, molestation is sexual abuse.

I felt:

• Violated

• Shame

• Confusion

• Anger

• Betrayed

I protected myself through dissociation & escape. I had told nobody but lived with the secret, guilt & shame for so long that it was affecting my marriage because I lost my ability to "grin & bear it" & was no longer able to tolerate being touched. About 20 years ago, I stopped wearing dresses, taking care of myself & looking pretty, under the guise of comfort, but recently realised it was a stronghold of self-protection because of unwelcome touch & I was losing my ability to "grin & bear it" because I had suppressed the trauma of sexual abuse for so long. I didn’t want to be touched, seen, or noticed. I heard the Lord remind me of the word during prayer ministry with Sandra & suddenly it dawned on me that COMFORT was the LIE hiding the real reason I had let go of myself much like "I can't sing / draw / paint" were the LIES hiding my fear of not being good enough. After 2 years wrestling with it, I finally realised INVEST meant embracing the "girly girl" He created me to be & yes, invest in new dresses & everything else that required.

When the thought of renewing our vows for our 25th anniversary crossed my mind, I shrugged it off as a totally crazy idea because I was in shambles & suicidal back then. But then the prompting returned on my way to C-School & I still thought it was a crazy idea but then Sandee confirmed it as a God-idea in August with her vision of us after prayer ministry & that celebration is a testimony on it’s own birthed out of the healing of my heart.

We dismantled the stronghold of denial & henceforth there will be NO more minimisation & denial of pain & trauma. These dismantled strongholds have brought the most noticeable change & freedom in me because the strongholds of guilt & shame affect our courage & ability to be vulnerable around people. "You are glowing" I 've hear people say on numerous occasions since when I tell of what God has done.

During Elijah House A-School, Sandra had a vision of the Lord wanting to give a mantel of nobility. God had been speaking to me about my name, meaning of noble birth, for a while & I felt it was for me but due to my shame & guilt strongholds was unable to receive it.   At C-School the lord addressed the trauma around my molestation as a teen that had become the foundation of my shame & false guilt strongholds. The lies around my idtentity have been rooted quite deep.  At D-School group ministry the Lord dealt wth some stuckness & some more issues around my identity. as well as my spiritual rebellion in that I had hated myself & my names all my life & had turned from life & rejected myself. On my way to schooll on Friday morning, God reminded me the mantel of nobility is still mine & I  was finally able to receive it.

I did D-School in July last year thinking it would be a breeze because I'd dealt with all the issues on the index, until we got to the lesson on SPIRITUAL REBELLION. I learnt every person is deeply in spiritual rebellion & in need of being reconciled with Him. 3The foolishness of a person ruins his way, And his heart rages against the Lord. Proverbs 19:3 It's not sin to desire relief from painful or difficult circumstances, but this lesson speaks to the way we reject our lives & ourselves, thus rebelling against God who created us. As a little girl, I thought I should have been a boy so daddy would love me too. If our rebellion remains unhealed it will affect us spiritually, physically & emotionally.

I also dishonoured & rebelled against God by

• turning from life in the womb      when I decided “I shouldn’t be here”,

• hating my names,

• rejecting myself & the      girl He created me to be,

• not believing His truths      about me &

• not being authentic to name      just a few aspects of dishonour & rebellion towards God.

I also learnt that you can't bear fruit unless you abide in the Resurrection. The cross is just the starting point. We must not stay there. Only the Lord knows the hearts of all men. Judgement is wrong because there's bitterness towards the person & we identify them by their mistakes. Because of trauma caused by drunkards in my life, I used to hate anyone who was drunk & in our early years of marriage Clive wasn't even allowed to come near me if he'd consumed any alcohol but today, I can no longer look at a drunk person without asking what the trauma behind the addiction is because ALL addictions are rooted in trauma. Although some addictions are harmless, others are destructive to those around us whilst others are self-destructive. When we see more than our judgement in people it sets them free.

A few more truths I received during D-School group ministry:

• You're a human BEING not a      human doing

• Come my child, my chosen one,      my daughter.

• Stop doing, rest in Him.

• Father of Peace - "My      peace I give to you, My Peace, I leave with you.

• There is nothing wrong      with me." Abide in Him, breathe in Him, His Peace.

• A GOD of LOVE. Allow yourself      to rest & just be.

• God called you by name. He      defined Patrizia (meaning: of noble birth).

• Learn to stay in that Peace.      He goes before you. He will show you the way.

After my group ministry session, I heard the Lord say: "BUT wait, there's more..." apparently, He's not finished with me yet. The Holy Spirit is gentle & takes through the journey as He peels of the layers one at a time like the layers of an onion, but He will not do it unless we allow Him.

These encouraging words received after completing D-School were so totally on the ball with what I've felt all my life & I know that many in the church have had similar struggles & would relate to these...

• I get Pinocchio. You know he      wanted to be a real boy & he did become a real boy. He had the      carpenter. There was love there. He wanted a boy. He wanted a son &      the Father wants His children. I see Him bringing you into your real      identity, that you'll be able to live life. End of the strings. Thank You      Lord, we bless the newness. We bless the realness. We bless Your love for      your daughter, hallelujah. Pinocchio's father's place was a toyshop,      right? Have FUN. Have fun with the Father. Bless you.

• Bless you beautiful. Lord we      just thank you for your amazing grace & amazing transformation that's      just reflecting the glory of the Lord. And we with unveiled faces      beholding as in a mirror are being transformed from glory to glory into      the likeness of the Son. 2 Corinthians 3:18 I was so blessed when I saw      you dancing there well before we started & I just declare fulness of      joy in His presence & dancing queen for the King. I just feel like      there's a coming home for you. It's like "now I fit. I have a home. I      have a country. I have identity. I have a culture. It's okay to be me. I'm      home in the Father's house & it's gorgeous. It's amazing.

• I just declare the boundary      lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. The boundary lines have      fallen for me in pleasant places; surely, I have a delightful inheritance.      I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs      me. I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand,      I will not be shaken. Psalm 16:6-8

A couple of weeks ago I shared my testimony in church together with the announcement of starting up a Healing heARTs 💕 ministry. 

After the service, one of the members came to me with a challenge: He would pay me $500 to do a painting about the Wings of Prayer from Isaiah 40:31 because he was so touched by my message & exhibition. 

I have dealt with a lifetime of rejection, abandonment & displacement trauma resulting in a lifelong struggle with anxiety & high functioning depression, but when I felt rejected & abandoned by my leaders after as cell leader together with Clive, for 7 years, whilst dealing with various personal crisis, especially Oma Else's death in 2007, I broke & turned my back on Christianity & God. I thought Christians were meant to be different, loving, caring & kind but instead I experienced them ignoring the hurting & struggling. If that's Christianity, I wanted nothing to do with it any longer. That's when I flopped & my high functioning depression turned into a downward spiral of out-of-control numbness. Pain that's buried alive stays alive & over time it morphs & mutates until eventually, it comes out sideways, sometimes in violent outbursts & overreactions until it’s brought to death at the cross.

My brother, Stefan who ignored me for 30+ years because of the lies our mom & stepmother had told him but reached out to reconcile in October 2017 after the Lord had given him a dream in which I appeared at his work, with a little girl that he knew was being molested, asking him to help her. When I had my breakdown in February 2018, he took the first flight out to come support me for 10 days & to this day he messages almost daily even if just to say good morning/night.

God had allowed my structures to be overloaded so I could realise how much I really needed to come home to Him & the church... Then He miraculously drew me to the Northcross choir with a neighbourly post that was 3 years old & the choir director was willing to let me sing with them without being a member of the church but then during worship at our first performance I heard Him say: "Come home my child".

After coming back to Christ in January 2019 & joining Life NZ, I thought I was FINE, because God had delivered me from depression & I had church, choir, creative team, welcome team & serving in the soup kitchen. But then came lockdown, social distancing, vaccine passports & a host of lies, manipulation & control to rip the mat from under my feet...

However, when structures are dismantled, without dealing with the root, we'll find other ways to self-protect. During lockdown, I was also triggered back into deception, manipulation & control trauma resulting in suppressed anger finally hitting the surface & erupting like a volcano. That’s why I was heading back into depression when I was not able to go to church, sing in the choir & serve on team.

Today I am grateful that the Lord “stumbled” me across Elijah House Ministries during the first lockdown to set me on a journey of healing & restoration. I received an email from our Cleansing Stream intercessors leader introducing a webinar as as "trauma training" to teach us to pray effectively for others, because I would have never sought ministry for myself. One of my many inner vows was not to ask for help & I had judged early in life that I must help myself because nobody cares. I cried through most of the webinar but finally realised I needed help & signed up for personal prayer ministry with Sandra.

Unbeknown to me, she put me 3 hours a day for 3 days after receiving my life history form. There’s so much I could share from these 3 sessions alone, but I’ll just highlight a few

I learnt that we are called to judge as God's children & make accurate assessment of right & wrong. We must judge evil to do something about it, but when we are wounded, our assessments become defiled. We begin to judge the person & come to expect this is how life is going to go. Then like Job, we draw all those things we expect to us. I was stuck in so many double-binds resulting from all my wounding.

There was curse of Illegitimacy because of my brother being illegitimate as well as an abortion & the spirit of death had wrapped around me in the womb when I decided “I shouldn’t be here”.

• All my life I’ve felt like an      outsider that doesn't fit.

• Affects identity

Due to childhood emotional neglect as a little girl I would cry to get attention only to be scolded but that to me was better than no attention at all but that’s manipulation which Scripture likens to witchcraft. One of only 2 childhood memories I have, was having my head shoved under cold water. I gasped for air, decided  to never cry again & have suppressed tears & emotions ever since.

FOUNDATIONAL LIES that I had come to believe I were:

• Worthless

• Unwanted

• Never good enough

• A mistake

• There's something wrong with      me

• If I was a boy I would have      been loved more

• My existence is a waste

Sandra’s Vision:

I see a little girl with an anvil above her head" A huge weight of LIES

Trauma of verbal abuse.

GOD'S TRUTH:

• I have chosen you

• I love you

• You are worthy

• Your are valuable

• You are good enough

• I will do what I have      promised.

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

Proverbs 31:10 KJV

An excellent woman [one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous], who is he who can find her? Her value is more precious than jewels and her worth is far above rubies or pearls.

Proverbs 31:10 AMP

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

Proverbs 31:10 NIV

EXCELLENT in the Hebrew means:

• Might / mighty

• Strength / strong

• Power / powerful

• Ability / able

• Virtue / virtuous

• Valour / courageous

• Riches / wealthy

God has made you a little girl / woman of substance & wealth.

Instead of "this is who I am" vows became this is who I have to be/do.

In order to survive you had to go against who you were.

This is who you are little one:

You've felt helpless, powerless & terrorised all your life

BUT this is what the Lord says how He's made you.

A woman of might, strength, power, ability, virtue, valour, riches & substance.

"I see Jesus giving that little girl a crown. It's quite big crown. It's quite a weighty crown. It's real. It's gold but it's not too heavy for the little girl. It's not a burden for her to carry

Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.  James 1:2

Do not fear any of those things which you are about to suffer. Indeed, the devil is about to throw some of you into prison, that you may be tested, and you will have tribulation ten days. Be faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life. Revelations 2:10

God removed the orphaned spirit & gave me a spirit of sonship.

My perceived benefits of disconnection/dissociation/withdrawal:

• Protection

• Less hurt

• Survival

BITTER ROOT EXPECTATION: of pain came through experience

• I have to escape this pain      because I can't handle it & it's going to kill me.

INNER VOWS:

• I won't speak up because it      makes things worse.

• I won't fight against wrong      because it's no use.

• Not to do that to my children      when I can't, I trigger back & feel like a failure.

Anger is a secondary emotion & almost always over pain.

• Righteous anger over      injustice was suppressed.

• When we judge, we become what      we judged.

• Don't allow anger, but      suppressed anger turned inward & became depression.

• I picked up where mom left of      & have been doing that to my own heart.

• Angry at myself when I don't      do things just right.

I was created to be someone that protects but moved out of a place of identity into performance & there's condemnation & blame when I don't do it well or not as well as I think I need to but also a fleshly determination.

• God created me to resist      evil.

• I'm a woman of justice.

• I want to fight for right.

• I want to be a justice person      & bring about justice.

• I want to heal.

• I'm like my heavenly Father.

• I'm a valiant warrior.

• Daughter of the King (of      noble birth)

Word of Wisdom:

When parents affirm us, bIess us & compliment us, we have a shelves to receive affirmations, confirmations & blessings.

As I was praying I saw your shelf and there's holes in it, it's like it's really decaying. It's like it cannot hold weight. It's like there is no shelf inside you to receive affirmation, praise & compliments. Jesus is a carpenter & is able to take out the shelf that's actually rotting. We ask that You would build a new shelf, a huge shelf, Lord. Father, You bless & it's your blessing that sustains us, Your blessing that causes us to grow. Father, fill up every wound from things done & said, especially about her identity, who she is, what she does. Would You heal those wounds. Also heal the wounds & the holes from the lack of the necessary good thing, the lack of praise & encouragement. Father that little girl just needed encouragement & she began to lose her courage. Would You encourage her now, Father. Take away all the old soil & things she has been rooted in & held onto to keep her secure.

LOSSES

• childhood

• innocence

• stability

• safety

• friends

• 4 miscarried children

• being able to say NO

• generational grief

Jesus is acquainted with grief, a man of sorrow

My heart has taken a beating, not just from mom, dad & your brother, but also from myself.

Mom & dad neglected me, so I neglected myself

Mom & dad didn't know how to express love, I wasn’t able to express love to myself

Mom never encouraged me to be the best I could be & to call forth those girly things & my achievements, so I’ve been unable to do that for myself.

What mom did to me, I did to myself.

Mom refused to feel sorry for me & I was having a really hard time  to acknowledge my struggle.

I judged mom for not seeing / honouring my heart & for not letting me cry. I've turned around & dishonoured myself, my needs & my own heart.

fear of self-pity

pity = Sorrow for the suffering of another

When we refuse pity, we put up a wall that says " I don't want you to sorrow for my suffering.” Lord, would you break the power of that wall.

Why don't you do the" girly" things?

• It's a waste of time

• My existence is a waste      therefore I won't spend time, money & effort on me = huge dishonour of      me

Not loving & taking care of yourself is bad stewardship.

But the Lord, broke the patterns & has been teaching me how to do those things that I never learnt.

• How to love myself without      being prideful

• How to nurture myself &      others

Be still & know I am here.

INVEST:

The Lord wants you to invest in you personally. You're not a waste of time, money & effort.

What would that look like?

• Take time to discover what fills your creative well

• new haircut?

• new dress?

• Take the time & money you need for qualifications?

• How can l express the beauty of me?

Well, I assumed it to be education for trauma training, so I purchased & worked through a range of EH Materials & subsequently attended all the schools...

EH teaches us how strongholds develop & how to dismantle them.

A wise person scales the city of the mighty And brings down the stronghold in which they trust. Proverbs 20:22

“Footholds” are given to the enemy when we respond sinfully to trauma/offense.

26Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27and do not give the devil an opportunity. Ephesians 4:26-27

Demons take advantage.

I have learnt that if there’s present day fruit that’s unbecoming a Christian there’s a root & that or overreaction to offense indicated there's unresolved wounding. With the help of the Holy Spirit those roots can be discovered & brought to effective death at the cross of Christ so we can begin to learn to respond to offense to protect our hearts in new, Godly ways.

We need to identify recurring patterns - job losses, betrayals by friends, or personal characteristics which we resented, disliked, or hated in the primary people who raised us, but which we now recognise in our own lives.

With everything I have learnt & recognising my own bad behaviours I can no longer look at others bad behaviour without wondering what traumas are at the root of it. These past 2 years have made a huge difference in my family's lives. As I've healed, I've seen much change happening in my family & because of the change he's seen in my life, Clive has also taken up pursuing his healing. Our 20-year-old has started to come out of his shell more & for the first time in his life I heard him say "I love you" in November.

Trauma compromises our ability to engage with others by replacing patterns of connection with patterns of protection.

Yes, our pain, trauma & feelings are valid, BUT this is about a journey of healing & restoration through discovering how we have sinfully responded to the offenses & traumatic events. It’s about forgiving those who hurt us from a healed heart & having our broken hearts mended like only Christ can so we can stop bleeding all over those around us. It's time to rediscover & BE the real YOU God has created you to be, not the boxed-up version society has forced you to become. It's time to learn to have FUN, to be still & rest on the Father's lap.

Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment & the handcuffs of hatred. It's the power that breaks the chains of bitterness & the shackles of selfishness - Corrie ten Boom

I discovered that those all those very noble causes I spent my life doing, church, choir & serving, were in fact, false refuges. Yes, I discovered the motive of my heart for doing all those things was a need to be needed & I was medicating my pain, not with alcohol, addictions, or other ugly habits, but with religion, serving & being a martyr to satisfy my need to be accepted & acknowledged. My sense of self-worth was wrapped up in serving others instead of my identity in Christ.

Parental inversion is not an easy sin to hate. The difficulty is that it has become for many the most noble definition of life; the sacrifice & service it involves are readily justified by Scripture. But God asks us to lay down our lives for others for His sake, rather than out of the impure motives of our wounded hearts. The problem is not what we are doing but WHY.

I spent my life suppressing, denying, minimising & hiding my pain. You know that LIE that all is well & I am FINE whilst internally falling apart, I've lived it for as long as I can remember. My fine meant Freaking Out - Insecure - Neurotic – Emotional but very few people would ever look you in the eye to search for the truth. We all know what Scripture says will happen to LIARS, right?

A crushed spirit affects us physically, emotionally, & spiritually. However, most people aren't aware of trauma's affects. Even science has proven that many aspects of physical illness are rooted in unresolved trauma because our bodies will manifest what we refuse to deal with. For example, cancer is rooted in bitterness & unforgiveness. Anger can affect your heart, gut & cause headaches. I've woken up every single morning with stomach cramps for decades, but they’ve been gone since D-School prayer ministry. If there's unexplainable aches & pain, even doctors can't find an answer to, it may be worth exploring whether it’s rooted in trauma.

This painting depicts how God took the broken, shattered pieces of my life & turned them into something beautiful.

How timely this Google Photo reminder of my Seasons painting from 3 years ago & this word popped up in between pastor David's 2 sermons on seasons & at a time I'm experiencing a transition.

God is saying to you today, "You are entering a new season, where My promises are being prepared AND delivered. You have overcome the storms. The storms did not overtake you! You have seen what faith & My hand can do, & you never gave up. You pushed through it all, & now it's your turn to receive the blessings that I have purposefully prepared for you & your home.

Tonight my heart is bursting at its seams because I'm seeing God's promises being fulfilled. I just want to sing praises because my cup overflows.

For the first time in decades I'm feeling a joy bubbling up in my spirit. Excitement is building up it almost feels like my chest wants to explode. I want to shout it from the rooftops. "God is so good!

In March I attended the Catch the Fire Beyond 2024 conference. I wasn't going to attend it because of my exhibition being due on the Saturday morning & community paint party in the afternoon but then I saw post just days before & signed up not checking my diary. However I was able to set up my exhibition earlier. After a hectic week, I was exhausted & tempted not to go on Friday night but then I went not wanting my entrance fee go to waste. It was a powerful word by Isabelle Skúlason & I received this prophecy at the end of the teaching...

The Lord is bringing joy for there have been a lot of tears in your heart. There has been a lot of unkindness that came your way. You've often lived in an atmosphere of unkindness. You've experienced a lot of unkindness but you're going to experience the goodness & kindness of the Lord.

God is going to bring you into a place where the goodness of God comes upon you, dear.

You have been hidden but not forgotten.

The Lord wants you to know, dear that He's going to give you a cake & you will eat it too for many times opportunities have been taken from you & people have often pushed you to the back of the line & you have not complained or said anything, dear. I heard the Lord say He is bringing transformation & He will bring you from the back to the front of the line, dear.

You are not alone, even though at times it feels like it. The Lord is also going to defend you for there's been some enemies in your life. In a way unrighteousness took place against you but the Lord is going to bring righteousness in those things & righteousness & justice will come into your life. He will set some records straight & make things quite easy for you for to go forward for you have pushed against the wind a lot, dear, but the Lord is bringing the wind from your behind.

Lift up your countenance. You lower your countenance a lot, dear. Lift up your countenance for God is bringing you into a new freedom.

Refreshment & freedom are being released in your life in this season & in these days.

I've been pondering this prophecy & asking the Lord for experiences that would override my bad experiences because knowledge will never override experience & then suddenly I started to experience God's kindness & feeling the "wind" from behind.

The boundary lines have indeed fallen for me in pleasant places. 😀 Thank You, Lord that You came to heal the broken-hearted & bind up their wounds. Thank You for restoring my soul, for putting up protective fences, for bringing comfort, for providing in miraculous ways & for fighting my battles. I love You, Lord.

Freely I have received, so I can freely give. Help me, Lord to represent You well to those You've placed in my basket .🧺 Help me steward well that which You have given me, Lord. More of You, Lord. Pour your love & compassion that I may splash your love all over those around me.

In every area of my heart where my heart is still stuck in fear, Lord will You pour Your perfect love that casts out all fear.

Work in me to will and to act in order to fulfil Your good purpose. Encamp Your angels around me, Lord & increase my capacity to fulfil Your calling on my life.

I looked in our account, and there it was.

Recognition for all of his hard work. The long hours on the job. The price he is paid for getting it done.

He deserves it, and we need it.

Boy, I’m thankful.

But I don’t get the same for my job as a stay at home mum.

I work so hard every day, and night.

I literally have never worked harder.

Yet mine is purely a labour of love.

My money invisible, like so much of my work.

But that work -

That all consuming, exhausting, relentless work that comes with being a full time mother -

It comes with a wage.

Just not the usual type.

Right now my wage is in the slower mornings I get to have with my kids.

It’s in the cuddles we have throughout the day.

It’s in the new firsts I get to see, and the lasts I may never see again.

I get paid through the quiet little moments we share when no one else is watching, and the chaotic days filled with so much joy.

And boy am I lucky.

No one hands me a check for being a stay at home mum,

But my kids hand me the lottery.

Because I may be broke financially,

But I am rich in heart and soul.

Credits to the rightful owner.👇

Words: Words of Emma Heaphy

Art: O Trocatintas

This has been my reality & for most of my almost 20 years as a stay-at-home & homeschooling mom & even though Clive was the one who at the time, ordered me to resign due to the work stress affecting my health, I've felt guilty because I wasn't "earning my keep" due to a wounding as 16 year old when mom decided finishing school wasn't worth it for me. She took me to Holiday Inn in Vanderbijlpark to go to Hotel School but the manager said I had to complete school I got to go back home.

However, the judgement I had made on myself that I was worthless & LIE I had come to believe at young age that I was worthless if I didn't "earn my keep" caused me to be triggered every time someone mentioned opportunities for me to "earn money" because this experience solidified it in my spirit.

BUT God in His grace & mercy has brought the memory & my sinful responses to the surface 4 months ago to be put to death at the Cross  & now I no longer cringe at the mention of opportunities for earning money.