Last night, four years ago, I was listening to a sermon by Sarah Jakes Roberts. I cannot even say I remember what she preached, but during her closing prayer I felt the Lord lift the heaviness off my chest. For the first time in my life, I did not cry myself to sleep on my birthday.

The enemy still comes knocking, trying to stir up old pain. Yet today I thank the Lord for carrying me through another trigger season. November was off to a hard start with my uncle's passing, stirring all my unresolved losses. Uncle Manfred was just six years older than me, which made our bond so unique — more like a brother than an uncle. Losing him reawakened old grief, as if a piece of my childhood had been taken from me once again.

Then I was triggered again two nights before Christmas with an innocent question: "What is your first Christmas memory?" My first Christmas memory is also the last time I saw my grandparents, just before I turned ten, when we visited Germany. Hearing others' happy stories has always been a painful reminder of what I lost and what home and family should have been like. We often assume Christmas is merry and bright for all, yet for many it is the hardest time.

This time I struggled more than I like to admit. Not only did I cry myself to sleep at night, I fought back tears during the day, whispering in my heart, "I hate Christmas." Having renounced my vow never to cry again, I have lost the ability to suppress my tears. Although difficult, this is good—it means I can acknowledge and deal with the pain. God willing, I am aiming to reach the root of this November to January trigger season.

With the help of my Elijah House tribe sister, Wendy, I traced the wound back to the sudden loss of everything familiar when we migrated to South Africa at five years old. I still need to address the judgements, expectations, and inner vows bound up in that memory. I am praying for breakthrough, so that this will be the last year of waging this battle with tears and heaviness through the Christmas season. The enemy has been served his eviction notice. No more trigger seasons!

This week I celebrate four years of renewed life in Christ, overcoming a lifelong struggle with depression, and beholding the healing and restoration the Lord has brought into my life and my family’s lives.

💡Reflection:

• What trigger seasons surface in your own life, and how might God be inviting you to let Him touch those memories?🤔

• Are there vows you have made in pain that He wants to heal and release you from?🤔

🙌Prayer:

Lord Jesus, thank You for lifting the heaviness from my chest and for walking with me through every valley. Heal the deep wounds that trigger sorrow, and redeem the memories that feel too heavy to bear. Replace every inner vow with Your truth and every tear with Your joy. Teach me to rest in the victory You have already won.

In Jesus’ Name, Amen.