This past week at Elijah House A-School was unlike any I’ve ever served before in my past 3 years of serving. Sandee phoned on Monday to check if I was coming to serve on the sound desk, which caught me a little off guard — I’d always scheduled my life around these schools. I thought she knew that because I told her in January. She shared a few expectations, and I received them with understanding. After all, growth often asks more of us.

Still, what unfolded next felt like a slow unravelling.

Each day brought mistakes — small ones, silly ones, obvious ones. Things I’d never fumbled in the three years I’ve been serving. I couldn’t make sense of it. I tried to stay calm, focused, and teachable. But even with all the intention in the world, the blunders continued. It felt like I was watching myself from a distance, unable to stop the tumble.

On Wednesday, Sandee commented that this might not be my gifting and perhaps Julie should take over. I’m not sure if it was a question or a gentle suggestion, but I responded quickly: this isn’t my gifting, it’s just a skill I’ve learned because the need existed.

Still, that didn’t stop the growing ache inside.

By Friday, I offered an apology. Sandee responded kindly that we’d speak about it later. I left carrying a weight of shame… but also a stirring.

As I was driving home, I sat with the week’s events, and I found myself thinking: If this had been a job, I probably would’ve been fired and to be honest, there was a part of me that just wanted to quit. Walk away. Hide. Never go back. 🪦

That thought alone revealed just how tender this place in me really is.

Later that evening, the word self-sabotage rose quietly in my spirit. It made sense in a strange way. Almost like a hidden part of me believed I didn’t belong or wasn’t enough — and so I proved it to myself. I reached out to Peter for clarity, and when he called me back on Monday, we both agreed: prayer ministry is needed.

Sometimes, the deepest healing begins not with answers but with honest questions.

Faith invites us to step into truth, not just about God — but about ourselves. About the hidden vows we’ve made. The judgments we’ve spoken over our own worth. The lies we’ve swallowed in silence.

So I’m leaning in. Not to defend myself or dismiss what happened — but to understand it through the lens of grace. Not everything broken needs to be discarded. Sometimes, it needs to be brought into the light… like cracked pottery mended with gold.

May the Lord use this experience to prune what needs trimming, heal what needs mending, and restore what the enemy meant for shame.

🕊️ Holy Spirit, You know the innermost places of my heart. Search me and reveal any root of self-sabotage or fear that keeps me from walking fully in the purpose You’ve called me to. I lay my disappointment at Your feet and invite Your truth to speak louder than my self-doubt. Heal the fractured places. Strengthen my soul where I feel weak. Teach me to rest in Your affirmation and not strive for man’s approval. May this be a doorway, not a dead-end. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

If you’ve ever had a week where everything went wrong despite your best efforts, please know you’re not alone. Even in failure, God is faithful. Even in our fumbling, He is forming something beautiful.

You are not disqualified.

You are deeply loved.