I have dealt with a lifetime of rejection, abandonment & displacement trauma resulting in a lifelong struggle with anxiety & high functioning depression, but when I felt rejected & abandoned by my leaders after as cell leader together with Clive, for 7 years, whilst dealing with various personal crisis, especially Oma Else's death in 2007, I broke & turned my back on Christianity & God. I thought Christians were meant to be different, loving, caring & kind but instead I experienced them ignoring the hurting & struggling. If that's Christianity, I wanted nothing to do with it any longer. That's when I flopped & my high functioning depression turned into a downward spiral of out-of-control numbness. Pain that's buried alive stays alive & over time it morphs & mutates until eventually, it comes out sideways, sometimes in violent outbursts & overreactions until it’s brought to death at the cross.

My brother, Stefan who ignored me for 30+ years because of the lies our mom & stepmother had told him but reached out to reconcile in October 2017 after the Lord had given him a dream in which I appeared at his work, with a little girl that he knew was being molested, asking him to help her. When I had my breakdown in February 2018, he took the first flight out to come support me for 10 days & to this day he messages almost daily even if just to say good morning/night.

God had allowed my structures to be overloaded so I could realise how much I really needed to come home to Him & the church... Then He miraculously drew me to the Northcross choir with a neighbourly post that was 3 years old & the choir director was willing to let me sing with them without being a member of the church but then during worship at our first performance I heard Him say: "Come home my child".

After coming back to Christ in January 2019 & joining Life NZ, I thought I was FINE, because God had delivered me from depression & I had church, choir, creative team, welcome team & serving in the soup kitchen. But then came lockdown, social distancing, vaccine passports & a host of lies, manipulation & control to rip the mat from under my feet...

However, when structures are dismantled, without dealing with the root, we'll find other ways to self-protect. During lockdown, I was also triggered back into deception, manipulation & control trauma resulting in suppressed anger finally hitting the surface & erupting like a volcano. That’s why I was heading back into depression when I was not able to go to church, sing in the choir & serve on team.

Today I am grateful that the Lord “stumbled” me across Elijah House Ministries during the first lockdown to set me on a journey of healing & restoration. I received an email from our Cleansing Stream intercessors leader introducing a webinar as as "trauma training" to teach us to pray effectively for others, because I would have never sought ministry for myself. One of my many inner vows was not to ask for help & I had judged early in life that I must help myself because nobody cares. I cried through most of the webinar but finally realised I needed help & signed up for personal prayer ministry with Sandra.

Unbeknown to me, she put me 3 hours a day for 3 days after receiving my life history form. There’s so much I could share from these 3 sessions alone, but I’ll just highlight a few I learnt that we are called to judge as God's children & make accurate assessment of right & wrong. We must judge evil to do something about it, but when we are wounded, our assessments become defiled. We begin to judge the person & come to expect this is how life is going to go. Then like Job, we draw all those things we expect to us. I was stuck in so many double-binds resulting from all my wounding.

There was curse of Illegitimacy because of my brother being illegitimate as well as an abortion & the spirit of death had wrapped around me in the womb when I decided “I shouldn’t be here”.

• All my life I’ve felt like an      outsider that doesn't fit.

• Affects identity

Due to childhood emotional neglect as a little girl I would cry to get attention only to be scolded but that to me was better than no attention at all but that’s manipulation which Scripture likens to witchcraft. One of only 2 childhood memories I have, was having my head shoved under cold water. I gasped for air, decided  to never cry again & have suppressed tears & emotions ever since.

FOUNDATIONAL LIES that I had come to believe I were:

• Worthless

• Unwanted

• Never good enough

• A mistake

• There's something wrong with      me

• If I was a boy I would have      been loved more

• My existence is a waste

Sandra’s Vision:

I see a little girl with an anvil above her head" A huge weight of LIES

Trauma of verbal abuse.

GOD'S TRUTH:

• I have chosen you

• I love you

• You are worthy

• Your are valuable

• You are good enough

• I will do what I have promised.

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

Proverbs 31:10 KJV

An excellent woman [one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous], who is he who can find her? Her value is more precious than jewels and her worth is far above rubies or pearls.

Proverbs 31:10 AMP

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

Proverbs 31:10 NIV

EXCELLENT in the Hebrew means:

• Might / mighty

• Strength / strong

• Power / powerful

• Ability / able

• Virtue / virtuous

• Valour / courageous

• Riches / wealthy

God has made you a little girl / woman of substance & wealth.

Instead of "this is who I am" vows became this is who I have to be/do.

In order to survive you had to go against who you were.

This is who you are little one:

You've felt helpless, powerless & terrorised all your life

BUT this is what the Lord says how He's made you.

A woman of might, strength, power, ability, virtue, valour, riches & substance.

"I see Jesus giving that little girl a crown. It's quite big crown. It's quite a weighty crown. It's real. It's gold but it's not too heavy for the little girl. It's not a burden for her to carry

Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.  James 1:2

Do not fear any of those things which you are about to suffer. Indeed, the devil is about to throw some of you into prison, that you may be tested, and you will have tribulation ten days. Be faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life. Revelations 2:10

God removed the orphaned spirit & gave me a spirit of sonship.

My perceived benefits of disconnection/dissociation/withdrawal:

• Protection

• Less hurt

• Survival

BITTER ROOT EXPECTATION: of pain came through experience

• I have to escape this pain because I can't handle it & it's going to kill me.

INNER VOWS:

• I won't speak up because it makes things worse.

• I won't fight against wrong because it's no use.

• Not to do that to my children when I can't, I trigger back & feel like a failure.

Anger is a secondary emotion & almost always over pain.

• Righteous anger over      injustice was suppressed.

• When we judge, we become what      we judged.

• Don't allow anger, but      suppressed anger turned inward & became depression.

• I picked up where mom left of      & have been doing that to my own heart.

• Angry at myself when I don't      do things just right.

I was created to be someone that protects but moved out of a place of identity into performance & there's condemnation & blame when I don't do it well or not as well as I think I need to but also a fleshly determination.

• God created me to resist      evil.

• I'm a woman of justice.

• I want to fight for right.

• I want to be a justice person      & bring about justice.

• I want to heal.

• I'm like my heavenly Father.

• I'm a valiant warrior.

• Daughter of the King (of      noble birth)

Word of Wisdom:

When parents affirm us, bIess us & compliment us, we have a shelves to receive affirmations, confirmations & blessings.

As I was praying I saw your shelf and there's holes in it, it's like it's really decaying. It's like it cannot hold weight. It's like there is no shelf inside you to receive affirmation, praise & compliments. Jesus is a carpenter & is able to take out the shelf that's actually rotting. We ask that You would build a new shelf, a huge shelf, Lord. Father, You bless & it's your blessing that sustains us, Your blessing that causes us to grow. Father, fill up every wound from things done & said, especially about her identity, who she is, what she does. Would You heal those wounds. Also heal the wounds & the holes from the lack of the necessary good thing, the lack of praise & encouragement. Father that little girl just needed encouragement & she began to lose her courage. Would You encourage her now, Father. Take away all the old soil & things she has been rooted in & held onto to keep her secure.

LOSSES

• childhood

• innocence

• stability

• safety

• friends

• 4 miscarried children

• being able to say NO

• generational grief

Jesus is acquainted with grief, a man of sorrow

My heart has taken a beating, not just from mom, dad & your brother, but also from myself.

Mom & dad neglected me, so I neglected myself

Mom & dad didn't know how to express love, I wasn’t able to express love to myself

Mom never encouraged me to be the best I could be & to call forth those girly things & my achievements, so I’ve been unable to do that for myself.

What mom did to me, I did to myself.

Mom refused to feel sorry for me & I was having a really hard time  to acknowledge my struggle.

I judged mom for not seeing / honouring my heart & for not letting me cry. I've turned around & dishonoured myself, my needs & my own heart.

fear of self-pity

pity = Sorrow for the suffering of another

When we refuse pity, we put up a wall that says " I don't want you to sorrow for my suffering.” Lord, would you break the power of that wall.

Why don't you do the" girly" things?

• It's a waste of time

• My existence is a waste      therefore I won't spend time, money & effort on me = huge dishonour of      me

Not loving & taking care of yourself is bad stewardship.

But the Lord, broke the patterns & has been teaching me how to do those things that I never learnt.

• How to love myself without      being prideful

• How to nurture myself &      others

Be still & know I am here.

INVEST:

The Lord wants you to invest in you personally. You're not a waste of time, money & effort.

What would that look like?

• Take time to discover what fills your creative well

• new haircut?

• new dress?

• Take the time & money you need for qualifications?

• How can l express the beauty of me?

Well, I assumed it to be education for trauma training, so I purchased & worked through a range of EH Materials & subsequently attended all the schools...

EH teaches us how strongholds develop & how to dismantle them.

A wise person scales the city of the mighty And brings down the stronghold in which they trust. Proverbs 20:22

“Footholds” are given to the enemy when we respond sinfully to trauma/offense.

26Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27and do not give the devil an opportunity. Ephesians 4:26-27

Demons take advantage.

I have learnt that if there’s present day fruit that’s unbecoming a Christian there’s a root & that or overreaction to offense indicated there's unresolved wounding. With the help of the Holy Spirit those roots can be discovered & brought to effective death at the cross of Christ so we can begin to learn to respond to offense to protect our hearts in new, Godly ways.

We need to identify recurring patterns - job losses, betrayals by friends, or personal characteristics which we resented, disliked, or hated in the primary people who raised us, but which we now recognise in our own lives.