For the past few months Clive's been pushing me to start a learning channel so I could earn money to fund the ministry I'm doing. For some reason it's made me feel like a bewildered deer being pushed into a corner. I've said it many times before, my focus isn't business & I have to learn to trust that God will provide whatever I need to do the ministry He's called me to. For some reason the mere thought of running a business totally overwhelms me. He wants the learning channel to launch in March, a decision he had made without my collaboration & the more he pushes to get things done, the more triggered I become.

Finally he decided to pull out & just support me in whatever I wanted to do whenever I'm ready & withdrew to his study after which found myself overwhelmed & frustrated in the garden pulling out the overgrown grass edges he was going to do whilst on holiday. I spent the next hour or so crying & pulling out overgrowth until I finally had to stop just because my back was aching & couldn't handle any more.

Then the Lord gave me a memory....

When I was about 16, mom decided I should go to hotel school because it would be a waste of time for me to complete high school. I would live in the hotel, she would "take care" of my salary & give me pocket money. I dared not disagree & felt I had no choice in the matter as she drove me to the Holiday Inn in VanderbijIpark to meet will the manager. However, he disagreed I insisted I come back after I finished high school.

It was dark & raining by the time we drove back home. By the time we got to the N1 onramp mom had to pull off the road & wait for the storm to settle before continuing the journey home. The atmosphere in the car during the hour long drive was palpable, not a word uttered by either of us.

I concluded & judged:

• Mom's love is conditional to how I can benefit her

• I'm not good enough to get job

• If I don't earn money, I'm worthless.

• Do as you're told irrespective of how it makes you feel.

• My opinions & feelings are not important.

I came to expect:

• I won't be valued unless I contribute financially

• People will always use me for their benefit.

• My opinions don't matter I will be dismissed.

• I won't be heard.

I protected my heart by

• Shutting up.

• Complying & following orders.

• Decided not to make waves.

• Decided to be useful.

• Became driven to earn my keep.

• Sacrificed my own needs & opinions to keep the peace.

I came to believe that:

• I'm worthless if I can't contribute financially

• I have to earn my keep.

• My opinions don't matter.

• I'm not important

• I'm not worth being taken care of

This resulted in various ungodly fruit:

• Anger Outbursts

• Fear of failure & success

• Procrastination

• Self Sabotage

• Drivenness to do & be a contributor.

• I was angry, but turned it inward.

If that fear/anger could talk, what would it say?

• fear - I'll be rejected if I'm not contributing

• anger - mom never considered/respected ME.

Having put to death all these lies, judgments, expectations & vows, I can now finally rest in the knowledge that even if I don't do anything that brings in money, I'm still valuable & loved, not for what I can contribute, but for WHO I am.