A few weeks ago, my brother reminded me that our stepdad would tell us to think before we spoke whenever we had something to say. However, somewhere along the line, we got stuck thinking and stopped speaking altogether.  I've spent the majority of my life withdrawn and in my head, so communication skills are one of the skills I'm going to need to focus on improving in the near future. I have finally found my voice and the courage to speak although communication doesn't come easy yet and I have to be intentional.

Thank you all for your prayers this morning. I truly felt it shift the atmosphere. During our UNashamed lesson, I've connected some important dots. The displacement trauma I experienced, having attended 13 schools and moved 30 times by the time I turned 18, has led me to spend my life as the "new kid on the block." I tried to fit into new environments but eventually chose to disconnect instead. This has resulted in social anxiety and apprehension about attending the upcoming function with 350 unfamiliar faces, especially given my responsibilities as a representative of Christ and my job. I will pray about this tomorrow and should be ready to embrace the challenge on Friday. It’s not by power or might but by God's Spirit. He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of love 💕, power 💪, and a sound mind. His strength will be revealed in my weakness.

This morning, I'm standing in need of prayer🙏 as the internal pressure is mounting in the lead-up to my work's Awards Gala Dinner on Friday night. We're pretty much on top of all the backstage stuff, but the magnitude of "Being the Beautiful Assistant" on stage as a representative of Christ & CCNNZ just hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. So what's the big deal with that, some might ask?🤔 I'm a DOER by nature. Thus, "I'm a human BEing, not a human DOing" doesn't come naturally to me. Those who know my story about "Investing in ME" may recognise the struggle. Those who don't can find it here https://youtu.be/nOcXAA7xc-g?si=5kE9ycEyZPCSNcWX I've checked off all but one item on this list. I am down to "How do I express the beauty of ME?" How hard can that be, right?🤔 For me, it seems like an insurmountable mountain. Had I not wrestled with God's promptings to invest for four years, I would have been an expert at applying makeup and being beautiful by now. But NO, I was stubborn and rebellious because I didn't want to be seen, so now I'm wrestling with the fear of messing up and being an embarrassment. Added to that, I'm beating myself up for not having responded sooner. There's this tug-of-war between the warrior inside wanting to arise from the ashes and the little girl hiding in the closet for fear of being seen and humiliated or causing shame and disappointment for others. Dang, this stronghold of shame must come down!

Fear often stands like a locked gate between our present comfort and the life God has promised. It whispers: "Stay safe, stay small, while our hearts long to step into wide-open spaces of purpose and joy." Yet the very things we pray for — deeper relationships, creative ventures, healing conversations, a new chapter of calling — often require walking straight through what scares us. Facing the Gate Fear is not merely an emotion; it is often a spiritual battleground. The enemy loves to use fear to paralyse us with "what ifs": What if I fail?🤔 What if I’m rejected?🤔 What if God doesn’t show up?🤔 These questions keep us lingering at the threshold of obedience. However, Scripture offers a different voice: 📖 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” — 2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV) This means courage is not something we manufacture; it is a gift God already planted within us. Fear may roar, but it does not own the keys. Two Roads: Run or Rise Fear presents a fork in the path. One road is familiar yet shrinking. The other is steep but bright with promise. The choice is stark: Fear Everything and Run or Face Everything and Rise. Fear Everything and Run is the instinct to retreat, to avoid hard conversations, to silence dreams. It feels like self-protection, yet it quietly imprisons. Running may soothe for a moment, but leaves the heart restless and unfulfilled. 📖 “The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord shall be safe.” — Proverbs 29:25 (NKJV) Face Everything and Rise is the way of trust. It is not the absence of trembling but the decision to walk forward with God in the midst of it. Like David striding toward Goliath or Esther entering the king’s court, courage is not bravado; it is obedience anchored in love. 📖 “Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” — Joshua 1:9 (NKJV) Walking Through with Faith Every step of faith begins with a choice. We may still feel afraid, yet we move because trust is stronger than terror. Think of Peter stepping out of the boat, Esther approaching the king, or Mary saying yes to an impossible call. Each could have stayed hidden. Instead, they discovered that miracles waited in the unknown. When we dare to cross the line fear draws, creativity blossoms, friendships deepen, and healing flows. Fear is loud at first, then quiet as we walk. What we dreaded becomes the very testimony of God’s faithfulness. Living the Other Side To live “on the other side of fear” is not a one-time victory but a daily rhythm of surrender. Invite the Holy Spirit to reveal hidden anxieties. Breathe in His peace. Speak His promises aloud. Replace every “what if” with “even if.” Step by step, fear loses its authority. 📖 “Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” — Joshua 1:9 (NKJV)  💡Reflection: Where is fear trying to hold you back today?🤔 Where is God inviting you to rise instead of run?🤔 Write down one step you can take — however small — to move forward in faith.  🙌Prayer: Lord Jesus, thank You that perfect love casts out fear. Help me to recognise where I have settled for safety instead of obedience. Fill me with Your courage, and lead me into the wide-open life You have prepared. Amen.

I finally invested in make-up & now I have 3 days left to learn to use it for Friday's awards gala dinner. Had I not resisted God's promptings to invest for 4 the last years, I would have been an expert by now, but NO, Patrizia was stubborn & rebellious, so now I'm having to learn the hard way. Unfortunately, repentance doesn't remove the consequences of disobedience.

Everytime I think I'm done with my invest list, I hear the Lord say: "Wait, there's more." How much more I wonder. I thought I'd checked it all off now but no, apparently having worn make-up at our wedding vow renewals, was not enough. I had to INVEST, since at this point in time I didn't own any. So, with Ester's help, and just over $300 later, I checked off another item on my 4-year-old "Invest" list today. And we had loads of fun doing it whilst she got to try out the products on my face. Now I'm down to the last one: "How do I express the beauty of me?"

This week, I had the joy of posting the remaining invitations. It might seem like a small task to some, but for me, it was a pleasure—because servanthood is in my spirit. Helping and supporting others is part of who I am. It energises me. It reminds me why I’m here. “Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant.” – Matthew 20:26 (NIV) I also saw your message about the minutes—no, it didn’t upset me at all. I simply hadn’t had the chance to respond. I’ve been focused on the awards and, truthfully, haven’t touched work since I got home. I’ve been trying to be intentional about drawing boundaries and leaving work at the office—unless it’s urgent. I’ll tidy that up tomorrow. But can I be honest? What really tugged at my heart wasn’t the work—it was watching you crack under the pressure. And not being able to help. I could see the stress building, the weight on your shoulders. And even though I’m relieved to see some of that pressure lifting now, the way it played out left an impression. You reminded me of some of my past bosses—ones who led with intensity and frustration. A few years ago, I probably would’ve shrunk in fear. But healing has taught me that anger is almost always a secondary emotion. Anger often masks grief. Or frustration. Fear. Overwhelm. Wounds we haven’t yet addressed. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” – Proverbs 15:1 (NIV) If that anger had a voice—what would it say? This week, the burden I’ve carried has gone far deeper than any task or responsibility. I’ve witnessed reactions that grieve the heart of God—not because He’s angry, but because He longs to heal us. To soften those places so we can respond, not from hurt or pressure, but from wholeness and love. As your sister in Christ, I want to gently encourage you: make time to pursue your healing. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” – Psalm 147:3 (NIV) When we don’t, God—out of His great love—will sometimes allow our structures, systems, and plans to stretch beyond their limits. Not to punish us, but to bring us to the end of ourselves, so we turn back to Him. That’s burnout. And it’s not something I want anyone to experience the way I did. So, what could work better for us in the future? It’s simple—let me do what I’m called to do. Not just for the organisation, but for you. I’m here to help. I want to carry the load with you, not just behind you. Saturday’s workshop was a turning point for me. I walked in thinking I had unresolved wounding. But what I found instead was identity—a clearer picture of who God created me to be. I’m a Doer, a Responder, a Producer, and a Shaper. My spiritual gifts are service, mercy, generosity, administration, and exhortation. “We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us.” – Romans 12:6 (NIV) For years, the enemy twisted those gifts into people-pleasing and performance. But those lies have been crucified with Christ. What’s left is a servant heart led by grace and excellence—not perfection. “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” – Galatians 5:1 (NIV) This is where I thrive. This is how I serve. I haven’t had time to write my “UGLY” yet (Unhealed, Gifted, Loved You), but I’ve attached my Life Languages notes if you’d like to take a look. I would’ve shared them sooner, but truthfully, the emotional climate wasn’t safe at the time. Still, I extend grace. I forgive. I move forward in love. Because I believe with all my heart: there is a new level of influence waiting for you—on the other side of healing. Not one built on striving, but on surrender. Not led by stress, but by Spirit. Let’s not just serve together—let’s heal together too. Reflection & Prayer Take a moment to pause and consider: Where have I allowed stress      to lead instead of the Spirit? What emotions have I buried      under frustration or anger? Is there a part of me crying      out for healing? Let’s pray: Father God, thank You for Your endless patience and love. Thank You for calling us into deeper healing, not just for ourselves, but for those we walk with. Reveal the places in us where we’ve been carrying pressure alone. Help us to surrender, to trust, and to rest in the truth that You are our healer and strength. Teach us to walk in our true identity, unshackled by performance or fear. Let our service be a reflection of Your grace and not our striving. In Jesus' name, Amen. Let me know if you'd like a version of this formatted for a devotional, a spoken message, or social media snippets.

For those who've been wondering about the photoshoot photos? 🤔 Honestly, I still prefer to be on the other side of the camera. Sitting down on the other side of the camera, anticipating the photoshoot, left me feeling quite awkward. I'm usually the one taking the photos and am quite happy having it that way. So much so that in 2007, after Oma Else died and I had a conversation with my cousin whom I hadn't seen in 34 years, I couldn't provide him with a recent photo of me because I had none. I've become more intentional about doing these things, and I'm growing more confident. Yet I'm still uncomfortable with dressing up, makeup, and posing, but I'm celebrating small victories and trusting God's plan to help me as I learn to fully embrace my femininity. I'm reminded again of Sandra's word to me during prayer ministry on 4 June 2020. Now that it's mostly checked off, I'm still working on that last point, which is the hardest for someone who prefers to hide. The Lord wants you to invest in you personally. You're not a waste of time, money & effort. What would that look like? Take time to discover what fills your creative well. ✔️ New haircut?✔️ New dress?✔️I had to invest in a whole new wardrobe because I didn't own any dresses. Take the time & money you      need for qualifications?✔️ How can l express the beauty of ME?" I've come a long way... BUT God's not finished with me yet. I constantly have to remind myself it's a process, not a race or instant fix... next week, I have to add heels 👠 for a gala dinner 🍽 😏💃

Bathroom "selfie"... when your buddy pops in at your office on short notice to "fix up" your face for a photo shoot. It's not a look you'll see all that often, so don't expect it as a regular occurrence. At this stage dresses are still reserved for Sunday morning worship team. I have not yet fully embraced them for everyday attire. As for make-up, yeah God's still working on that and we'll see soon enough how long it takes before that becomes a regular occurence. I’m incredibly grateful for the friends and community that the Lord has placed in my life recently. I wouldn't have been able to navigate all the ups and downs I've experienced without them. Thanks to my friend, Ester Kanaway, for popping in at the drop of a hat to make me more presentable for the company photos. You're the definition of a true friend. I'm told I looked at $1,000,000 today & couldn't have done it without her.

I woke up to this message from Ouboet on WhatsApp this morning... 💕 Each of us has a special place where we escape from our lives to break away from the sick, heartless, rushed, or overcrowded world. There, where our greatest needs and dreams arise and begin to grow within us. There, where we can shelter from our most unpleasant experiences, worries, and fears. However, at times, someone comes along and, unnoticed, in an indescribable and remarkable way, manages to infiltrate this place quietly, leaving deep traces and making themselves at home amidst all our needs, desires, hopes, uncertainties, and fears. We allow them to share with us what is sensitive, valuable, and emotional to us, to share what no one else may share: our deepest heart secrets, concerns, needs, expectations, joys, and fears. Within our hidden kingdom of wealth, they now create new perspectives and thus also on our lives and views. They unexpectedly open new windows and/or doors, give us new life expectations and prospects and bring out the best (unfortunately, sometimes also the worst) in us. They unknowingly claim for themselves a special hidden place or corner in our midst (hearts), and leave a remarkable footprint in our deepest beings. ♡💕♡ And then his added note that brought me to tears: 💕I had clearly written her name in the sand when we were younger, and the wind gently, slowly blew it away. But now, I have written her name in my heart where it belongs, where no rust destroys, and thieves cannot break in and steal. There in my special place, where I may and can cherish, care for, and protect it with love. ❤️Sweetheart. May she now forever make her home there with those who have become special to me over time. Yes, forever is a long time, just like never and always, right - forever, until the Lord comes to fetch us. May it bring her joy and comfort - infinitely and carry her through the length of days💖 💖💕❤️ I waited 30 years for this reconciliation 💕 Thank You, Lord, for turning Ouboet's heart 💖 back to his little sister ❤️ Ever since first reaching out to reconcile in October 2017, & his visit in April 2018, he's been my greatest cheerleader & a constant source of encouragement when the going is tough.

Today started on a very high note for me but ended in a tearful & challenging day. At the Market Makers meeting, something snapped in my heart when Pastor Jo closed the service just before Pastor Greg came up from behind & asked if I had been prayed for. I'm ashamed to admit, "Yup, I knew it; he's just like Dad; he doesn't care about me!" had popped up in my mind. I composed myself and headed off to work. Elias was busy, so he suggested I head back home earlier than I had planned and come back after 1 p.m. when I could have his undivided attention to work through the things I needed his input on. I didn't lie when I said I was going to be late because I had an unexpected visitor, but the real reason Ester was here is that she came to pray with me because she was there at Market Makers in the morning when I started to cry & held me long after everyone had left. She had checked in later to see if there was anything she could do for me... There are some areas of my heart where I've broken through & progressed beautifully, but a few remaining areas where I'm still a painful mess. I've been reading quite a bit lately... "Most often, those who hurt most are silent. For various reasons, we don't allow ourselves to experience the pain we feel. Therefore, the pain ends up being covered with work, alcohol, sex, drugs, depression,  compulsive eating, dieting & the endless list of acting-out behaviours to alert observers that all is not well. Having failed to scream, we are now screaming through our disorders, addictions & compulsions. To scream is normal when facing tragic events. Not to scream may reveal the extent to which we are bleeding to death on the inside." This quote from Failure to Scream by Robert Hicks resonates with me because I still do a fair amount of pushing down before I allow myself to grieve. "You should be beyond this!" a pastor told me years ago when I went to ask for help, so now I don't ask. "Just get the hell over it!" I so often tell myself. After a lifetime of feeling numb due to boxing up emotions because I concluded emotions were dangerous, I now feel like I'm on a roller-coaster ride at the rapid pace the Holy Spirit has been resurfacing the unresolved trauma to unpack my box 📦& believe me, sometimes it's loudly buzzing with bugs. From time to time, the volcano of boxed-up emotions erupts & today was one of those days. I'm still learning to feel my feelings &  scream my screams. Today, my heart's been screaming on so many levels & so many tears have been rolling down my cheeks due to the severe grief of not having a mother or father I can go to with my fears & insecurities for comfort & wisdom. Apart from healing hearts, I'm an encourager, too, & I can often see more in people than they can see in themselves. I've also felt called to be a "Spiritual Mother" to others for decades & have always been one to take the motherless & fatherless amongst my peers under my wing even though I was burying my own grief of motherlessness & fatherlessness. This weighs rather heavy on me because I feel ill-equipped not having a "spiritual father or mother" myself & therefore no modelling to know what, how & when I should be doing it. "The Cry for Spiritual Fathers & Mothers" by Larry Kreider has been on my bookshelf for years, waiting to be read. I finally picked it up to read this week & it's been pushing so many buttons... "As I travel the world training leaders and potential leaders, I see a consistent and desperate need for spiritual fathers and mothers to be in vital relationships with spiritual children. Whether they are new believers, Christians for many years, or pastors, the need is still the same. Deep down inside, many are longing for spiritual fathers and mothers. God calls us to become spiritual parents to prepare the next generation for spiritual parenthood. He desires to restore a sense of responsibility in spiritual fathers and mothers toward their children. Spiritual parenting fills the void and closes the gap of broken relationships between the old and the young. Wouldn’t it be great if someone saw your potential in Christ and decided to invest in your life? This is the point of a spiritual parenting relationship—we can go a lot further spiritually if we work together in family-like units to reach the world." I've spent my life looking for a father figure to fill the gaping void Dad's absence left in my heart. As I was reading, it suddenly dawned💡on me that's precisely what Elias has been doing. I can't express how grateful I am for the way he leads, even though I struggle to see in me what he & others see in me. He's encouraged me in so many ways —my self-confidence and who I am in the Lord — he's pulled stuff out of me that nobody was ever able to pull out. He sees things nobody's ever noticed. Nobody's ever seen the glimpses of diamonds & gold in me... He stepped up to do what Dad so dismally failed to do, calling me forth into life to be ME. He didn't give up on me even when my heart thought it was just a matter of time before he'd be sick & tired of me. I've been climbing the ladder of performance all my life. Neither my 2nd place in hurdles nor all my distinctions were ever acknowledged but criticised. Nobody came to cheer me on when I sang the solo or danced in the school plays... so when I came to him excited with what I had produced, like a little toddler would bring their drawing to mom & dad for acknowledgement, that's the wounded little girl inside hoping Dad will finally acknowledge her existence & achievements. However, there's confusion that springs up my defences when I perceive his sudden change from gentle leader to "boss". There's a softness in his eyes & voice that disappears with the pressure he's under & it causes anxiety, a shutdown in trust & a temptation to hide until the softness returns & I feel safe enough to be at ease again. That's the change he sees in my eyes when he so often says, "There she is now!" And sometimes I get confused because I'm not sure where the boundaries of work & friendship are & am I even allowed to be my boss' friend? I need a friendship that lasts. Over & over, I've waded my way across stormy uncharted waters, even learning to home-educate & write a blog to share what I discovered the hard way when school failed our boys, much like the 7-year-old in boarding school coming home to all the contents of her cupboard on the floor every day, with no reason why & no instructions on what was wrong & how to do it correctly. Just do it & when it's done, it's wrong. Once again, a task without parameters for me caused unfamiliar territories, chaos & overwhelm🤦‍♀️as seen with my response to Conference & Awards Finalist Interviews 😢 That seems to have been a pattern in my life & work. Creating order out of chaos & leaving procedure manuals for newcomers to follow. Did I mention I hate chaos?🤔 It messes with my OCD. Over & over, I've had to prove myself "good enough" to others & also myself. Oh & then there's the case of that "Shame? Who? Me?" worksheet from the UNashamed teaching series I completed for the 3rd time on Wednesday evening. Imagine my disappointment when, although a few areas have improved, I realised my life is still pretty much shame-based & that's what's driving so many of my responses, causing the stubborn resistance to change as well as the imposter syndrome & constant feeling like an intruder & a burden. I guess the next 6 weeks are going to be a rough ride 🤦‍♀️Please pray for me as I pursue taking down the stronghold of shame in my life... Sharing my breakthroughs (highlight reels) is easy for me, but allowing people into the struggles whilst I'm in there is not so much because, in the past, too many have left when the going got tough. All too often, I have something to say, but I just can't get the words out, so please hear what I'm NOT saying. Healing from Complex PTSD is a challenging process with many ups and downs. Confronting trauma can sometimes worsen it before it improves. Childhood trauma often leads to ingrained coping mechanisms based on fight, flight, freeze, or please responses (I do all of these), which can resurface during stress. To manage post-traumatic stress from child abuse or neglect, it's crucial to build resilience. Despite effective therapy & healing, breaking away from these ingrained survival strategies can be difficult, and old patterns may re-emerge from time to time. I continue to pray for enlarged capacity & the ability to keep my heart ❤️ open even when it hurts & I'm afraid of intimacy (in-to-me-see) with God & others. I'm grateful for those who are walking this journey with me as I navigate my way through the maze of emotions & sinful responses that need to be uncovered & brought to death at the cross. I'm grateful for those around me who are so patiently loving💞 me back to life!

Two weeks ago, on Monday morning, after my experience with writing "I am loved" on 21 canvases for the Sunday school paint party (https://www.trixiscreations.com/post/uitskryf-werk), our Elijah House Keynote lesson was "How we See God." This lesson deals with how we perceive God through our trauma-tainted lenses. I have seen this lesson at least 6 times before, but this time I was undone & ended up receiving prayer ministry from Ester & Rose. During prayer ministry, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that the reason I was unable to accept that I am loved in spite of all the evidence that I am loved was that my perception & definition of love had been warped due to childhood neglect and wounding. I had come to believe & expect that to be loved was to be neglected, reprimanded, criticised, ignored, and treated unkindly. My identification of love was all skewed. Knowledge will never overwrite experience, and even though I knew the Biblical definition of love that corresponds with my current experience, the battle between my head and my heart was fierce. Deep down in my heart, I was still expecting what I had come to believe is love before I could feel I was loved. ‭‭1 Corinthians 13:4-8 AMP‬‬ [4] Love endures with patience and serenity; love is kind and thoughtful and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. [5] It is not rude; it is not self-seeking; it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. [6] It does not rejoice at injustice but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. [7] Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], and endures all things [without weakening]. [8] Love never fails [it never fades nor ends]. But as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for the gift of special knowledge, it will pass away. Even though I had learnt to treat others with love, kindness, dignity, and respect, I wasn't able to receive it for myself, nor was I able to treat myself in the same way. Then, to rub it all in, on Thursday morning, at Business Leadership Group, John Maxwell's lesson dealt with his most important relationship with God & how often we have a wrong picture of God, which causes us to misunderstand & miss out on having a relationship with Him. Fence Sometimes we see God as a fence or wall that's really tall, forbidding, without doors or openings, and no way around it. We may believe in Him, but He's unreachable on the other side of the fence/wall, and there's no way to reach Him. Ladder Sometimes we see Him as a ladder that we need to climb by doing good works, doing all the right things, & trying to be a good person. We hope that if we're "good enough," we can work our way to God. Garbage Can And sometimes, we see all the negative things about ourselves that we've done, & we're looking at a filthy garbage can, and we're ashamed and feel unworthy to see God. We think we've done too much wrong, & God wouldn't want to see us, so we avoid Him." Door God is standing at the door of our hearts, gently knocking & asking to come into those unbelieving areas where we're trying to bring order by ourselves before letting Him in. Jesus wants us to invite Him into the broken places of our hearts — deep into the core of who we are. He wants us to yield to the process so we can be filled & restored to our original design. Already, whilst watching the video, I became emotional, felt the tears well up, and realised I didn't have any tissues in my pockets. Then it came my turn to read the paragraph, "God wants us to know Him. He wants a relationship with us. And you need to understand something. If God is 1,000 steps away from you, He will take the first 999 steps to get to you. All He asks you & me to do is take one step." By the time I got to 999, I lost my composure and ran out of the meeting in tears. My first instinct was to get into my car and rush back home, but instead I ran up to the bathroom to let the tears flow, composed myself, and a few minutes later, headed back into the meeting. The reflection questions are always the hardest for me; however, here's how I related to these four pictures of God: When I hardened my heart even before birth, when I felt the unsafe post-abortion environment, I built the wall that shut God and others out. I've subsequently spent my life trying to climb the ladder of doing & am still struggling with the garbage of my mistakes, which has prevented me from fully stepping through the door that I've seen in visions on numerous occasions during prayer ministry. He left the 99 to come find ME! I recognise that I need to be more intentional about recognising when I'm tempted to put up walls, climb the ladder, or revert back to the garbage can when I'm dealing with issues that seem too hard to face. My battle is not yet over, because last night we started Sandra's UNashamed teaching series, and from the get-go, even though this was my 3rd time working through the "Shame? Who? Me?" worksheet, and I have improved in many areas, but my life is still pretty much shame-based. I'm grateful that God has placed me in a family to help me through the process of sanctification and transformation so He may be glorified.

And still, God's love, kindness, and favour are pouring in. I just received this from my brother on WhatsApp, and he even included a beautiful poem for me...❤️ Sometimes these posts come when least expected, but always when they're needed. 💕Jesus Loves Me💕 *For the elderly* While watching a little TV on Sunday instead of going to church, I watched a Church in Atlanta honouring one of its senior pastors who had been retired many years. He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the Church even bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age. After a warm welcome introduction of this speaker, as the applause quieted down, he rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gate to the podium. Without a note or written paper of any kind he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak. "When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50 odd years of preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials. The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heartbreak and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me... The only thing that would comfort was this verse...: "Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. We are weak but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me... x3 The Bible tells me so." " When he finished, the church was quiet. You actually could hear his footsteps as he shuffled back to his chair. I don't believe I will ever forget it. A pastor once stated: "I always noticed that it was the adults who chose the children's hymn 'Jesus Loves Me' (for the children of course) during a hymn singing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest, because I could see they knew it the best." Senior version of: "Jesus Loves Me" Here is a new version for those who have white hair or no hair at all; for those over middle age (or even those almost there) and all others who dare to enjoy. 💖Jesus loves me, this I know, Though my hair are white as snow Though my sight is growing dim, Still He bids me: trust in Him. CHORUS 《YES, JESUS LOVES ME. YES, JESUS LOVES ME. YES, JESUS LOVES ME. THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.》 Though my steps are oh, so slow, With my hand in His I'll go. In rough times, let come what may, He'll be there to lead the way. CHORUS《 ... 》 When the nights are dark and long, In my heart He puts a song. Telling me in words so clear, "Have no fear, for I am near." CHORUS《 ... 》 When my work on earth is done, And life's vict'ries have been won. He will take me home above, Then I'll understand His love. CHORUS《 ... 》 I love Jesus, does He know? Have I ever told Him so? Jesus loves to hear me say, That I love Him every day. CHORUS《 ... 》 ...... Every day is a gift .. that's why it's called ...the Present. Feel free to pass it on "Reach out and Touch" a friend; a loved one;))) or a neady heart. Therefor may this to you truely be a present from this day onwards. As from my side: ❤️ Yes, Jesus loves you...x3 The Bible tells me so. Ev'ry day's a gift of God. Treasure it, and let it not all go by without to say that you love Him true today. Chorus For Jesus loves you like He loves me too. Yes it is all true. The Bible tells us so. As we close our eyes tonight may this song bring you delight. He'll be there 'till comes day light; always being by our side. Chorus For Jesus loves you like He loves me too. Yes it is all true. The Bible tells us so. May Lords Hand guard over you, noting that you love Him too. May your heart be ever true and your soal stay good as new. Yes, Jesus loves you. like Jesus loves me. Yes, I know He does too. The Bible tells me so.📷

Hebrews 4:15-16 reminds us that we have a high priest who empathises with our weaknesses, having been tempted in every way, yet without sin. He encourages us to approach God's throne of grace with confidence, to receive mercy and find grace in our time of need. The concept of **hematidrosis** (or sweating blood) is a rare but real condition, often associated with extreme stress or fear. Jesus' experience in the Garden of Gethsemane, where He sweat blood, underscores the immense emotional and physical agony He endured on our behalf. Vulnerability and processing emotions is crucial. Jesus' openness in His time of grief and His request for companionship highlight the importance of community and honesty in our own struggles. It's a powerful reminder that even in our deepest pain, we can turn to God and those around us for support.

When my boss tells me not to beat myself up, it feels a little too late for that. I've been doing just that since before I left work, over mistakes I've made. On a positive note, though, it’s not as intense as it used to be. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm in a pressure cooker. Even my watch keeps reminding me to breathe, and I can feel it manifesting in my body—turns out the coughing is due to asthma, which tends to flare up every couple of decades when something triggers this extreme anxiety. I suspect the backaches might be related as well.  Something about the awards interviews has been stressing me out, and I can't pinpoint why. Proving myself to myself is not an easy task. 🤦‍♀️ This morning, I realized I gave someone the wrong date, which makes me feel quite foolish. After all my triple-checking, I'm now tempted to check everything repeatedly. 🤦‍♀️🤔 I’ll probably relax once the interviews are over and nothing has gone wrong. At least I’m learning to write apology emails… Oh, the shame! I suspect the upcoming series on shame will help me break down some strongholds. I hear the Lord saying there’s more to come. I’ll get there if it’s the last thing I do. It’s not by power or might, but by the Spirit of the Lord. In my weakness, God’s strength will be revealed. Just as Jesus endured the cross for the joy set before Him, I can embrace this difficult journey because the breakthrough will lead to greater freedom.

Death is not the greatest loss in life... The greatest loss is what dies inside of us whilst we're still alive. Too many people die with unsung songs in their hearts. Live full, die Empty God comes into situations of chaos to bring order SHALOM → absence of chaos GRACE → Empowering presence to do what He called us to do

When we're triggered, all rational thinking goes out the window, and the battle between the head and the heart kicks in. Unresolved trauma is stored as raw data in the amygdala, which is almost mature at birth. The amygdala: Processes emotional value & stimulus Bypasses language & cognition Overrides the prefrontal cortex (rational thinking Overrides neo-cortex (logic) Shame defies logic & reason because it lives in the amygdala We also know that the heart always wins when there's a battle between the head and the heart. It's what's in the heart that defiles us. The judgments, expectations, inner vows and lies that we have come to believe in childhood take on a life of their own & when we're squeezed through stress & pressure, what's in the heart pours out of us. Sometimes, we meet people who "push all our buttons" & trigger us into oblivion. These people create an opportunity for us to dig deeper to find out why those buttons exist so we can bring healing to the wounds & put our sinful responses to death on the cross. We don't need to remain trapped in those old ways of responding & bleeding all over those around us... Healing is hard, but so is remaining in pain... CHOOSE your hard. On the other side of healing is FREEDOM, joy & peace.

En daar tjank ek toe snot en trane want die Here gee vir my uit-skryf-werk. Once again, God is up to something... This morning I spent an hour pre-tracing these canvases for tomorrow's children's church paint party and then I felt prompted to do the text with sharpie so that it would still be visible after painting the heart. What I didn't anticipate, however, was the inner turmoil that would result after having spent the last few weeks with overwhelm of out of control & chaos. Then this week I wrestled with intense feelings of being an intruder with no idea where that's coming from. 🤔 Back in the day, my stepdad used to tell us to think before we speak, every time we had something to say, but somewhere along the line I got stuck at thinking.🤔 It's amazing how much overthinking one can do whilst doing such a mundane task for 2 hours. With each canvas, taking about 10 minutes, I felt like a schoolgirl being disciplined or corrected. You are loved You are loved You are loved …… x 18 Before I knew it, I was bawling my eyes out. When Clive found me crying & asked why, all that came out was: "Want die Here gee vir my uitskryf werk!" (Because the Lord gave me write-out work!) His first response was hysterical laughing, but then he noted there's been more than enough evidence that I am indeed loved very much & the reason I'm finding it so hard to accept is that I do not love myself. I've been seeing God's kindness & favour in big & small ways all over of late. Dad's "Me too!" after I plucked up the courage to tell him I love him, struck quite a nerve. The heart of stone must be loved back to life by Christ THROUGH his people. I'm truly grateful for the people He has placed in my life to love me back to life. My stony heart is melting slowly with daily, intentional efforts to keep my heart open even when it hurts. However, there are still some unbelieving areas of my heart that have yet to be to be touched & overcome by the love of Christ in this journey of sanctification & transformation. And so, thank You Lord, that You are with me in the fire & that it's all unto something. What the enemy meant for evil, You will use for good. Thank you for Your oil of joy & peace that surpasses all understanding. And so, Father in any area of my life where I've come to believe False Evidence Appearing Real, would You shine your light on the LIES & help me to bring all fear to effective death at the Cross of Christ. Help me uproot every area of my life that is producing fruit that's unbecoming & doesn't bring You glory. Holy Spirit, I invite You in Your fullness into every place within my heart where there's a fear of vulnerability or there might even be a fear of opening up that door or a fear Lord, of how messy it might be or that I might cry in front of someone. Lord, would you give me safe people that I can be open & vulnerable with. Lord, I pray that You would draw to the cross the fears, anxieties & old ways of having to be proper, sophisticated & have it all together. Lord, would You release Your grace today. Lord, release Your peace. Release Your perfect love which casts out all fear. Release Your honour which would cast out the shame on this journey. Jesus, I need more of You. And so, Lord, if there's anything obstructing or hindering that I would be with You, I give You permission today to reveal it to me. Give me the will to do Your will to do Your good pleasure today. Thank You Lord. In Jesus's Name I pray Amen

Imagine my surprise last Sunday when one of our elders messaged me to ask if I'd be willing do a paint party for the children's church to kick off the new term, that's about 20 children. However, I was already scheduled to be on worship team so now I'm doing said paint party this coming weekend during the morning service... Then, fortunately I was up at like 5h30 this morning & when, to my surprise, around 6am dad phoned. A man who in the past wouldn't speak more than 2 or 3 sentences suddenly chatting for 25 minutes. That must be a new record. Just before he hung up, I told him I love him & for the first time in my life he replied: "you too!" That's the closest I've ever gotten to the "I love you" from dad that I've been waiting 54 years to year. Could it be this prophecy I received from Pastor Mike Berry in November 1991 is finally being fulfilled?🤔 "There's been a war in your house, a tremendous war. It's almost been times where it's been extremely violent & it's principality & powers that's warred against you. And it's been times when you've prayed & prayed: "God give deliverance! God give deliverance!" And you didn't even think God was listening to you. You felt like God has shut the heavens against you & you said: "I don't know how God's going to answer." But it's been like a braze from heaven. God is breaking through right now. And the thing He's promised you in your prayer times & the times that you've worshipped God in this place & the things that you're seen in your life, God has come through & revealed things to you. God is going to do that in your life & in your family's life. He's going to set that place free & break that spirit that's been over that place in the Name of Jesus! He's going to turn the hearts of the sons to their fathers the hearts of the fathers to their sons. He's going to remove the heart of stone & give you a heart of flesh." It took me almost 30 years to realise the heart of stone he was speaking about was mine... I never argued and fitted in exactly with what others thought was right for me to do. I never realised just how passive I really was, having deeply buried my emotions and personhood to the point that I did not know I had them! We form hearts of stone early in childhood as a defence to shield ourselves from pain. These barriers are reinforced by our judgments, expectations, and inner vows, ultimately leading to a profound sense of loneliness, even when surrounded by friends. A heart of stone is by nature private, tends to die slowly & affects relationship with Christ. The heart of stone must be loved back to life by Christ & He does that THROUGH His children, through love, nurture, fellowship, appropriate touch & hugs in community with others. It needs relationship. It needs God with skin on! It needs to know it's a person with feelings and needs. Over the past few months I've been very intentional in building relationships, loving others back to life & allowing others to do the same for me. Sandra says we need at least 12 hugs a day to survive, so I give lots of hugs & in giving hugs we also receive them. When you come across a heart of stone pushing back, love louder. Allow Christ's love & compassion to flow through you to love them back to life. Lately I'm seeing the Lord's favour in the most unexpected places... I received this via WhatsApp from a dear friend this evening: "In my study through the Psalms, I came across this verse today: Psalm 17:8 "Keep me as the apple of Your eye." The word apple is the Hebrew word for pupil of the eye and the word "eye" is the word bath in Hebrew that means "daughter". My interpretation of this is: Keep me, Your daughter, in the center of Your sight. The rest of the verse says: "Hide me under the shadow of Your wings." Which is a reminder of Psalm 91. God has His eyes fixed on you and He is covering you under the feathers of His wings." "You Are Loved!" is the painting chosen for this weekend's painting... how fitting... as it speaks to my own heart today.

Once again I heard the Lord say: "Invest!", as I was spending time with Him in the early hours this morning. A few weeks ago I shared my story of invest & what it could look like, that has now been checked off in full after wrestling with it for 4 years, with Peter, our Elijah House leader on the North Shore. He saw it very differently from how I saw it. He saw it as God investing in me because He's going to get a big return for the Kingdom. I feel like the Lord is saying the time, energy and resources being invested in Healing heARTs & CCNNZ will bring a mighty harvest for His Kingdom. Focus on knowing Him more and making Him known to others. Continue to be faithful in little. Just as He left the 99 to find the 1 missing sheep, so should we show up even if there's only 1 recipient. As we shine His light and radiate His glory, more people will be drawn to Him, be healed and ultimately get to know Him. We are indeed planting seeds that will bring a mighty harvest for God's Kingdom. By the way, pleasing your boss is Scriptural according to Colossians 3:22-25 CEV [22] Slaves, you must always obey your earthly masters. Try to please them at all times, and not just when you think they are watching. Honor the Lord and serve your masters with your whole heart. [23] Do your work willingly, as though you were serving the Lord himself, and not just your earthly master. [24] In fact, the Lord Christ is the one you are really serving, and you know he will reward you. [25] But Christ has no favorites! He will punish evil people, just as they deserve.