With everything I have learnt and recognising my own destructive behaviours, I can no longer look at others' bad behaviour without wondering what traumas are at the root of it.  These past two years have made an enormous difference in my family's lives. As I've healed, I've seen much change happening in my family, and because of the change he's seen in my life, Clive has also taken up pursuing his healing. Our 20-year-old has started to come out of his shell more, and for the first time in his life, I heard him say, "I love you," in November. Trauma compromises our ability to engage with others by replacing patterns of connection with patterns of protection. Yes, our pain, trauma & feelings are valid, BUT this is about a journey of healing & restoration through discovering how we have sinfully responded to the offences & traumatic events. It’s about forgiving those who hurt us from a healed heart & having our broken hearts mended like only Christ can so we can stop bleeding all over those around us. It's time to rediscover & BE the real YOU God has created you to be, not the boxed-up version society has forced you to become. It's time to learn to have FUN, to be still & rest on the Father's lap. Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment & the handcuffs of hatred. It's the power that breaks the chains of bitterness & the shackles of selfishness - Corrie ten Boom I discovered that all those very noble causes I spent my life doing, church, choir & serving, were, in fact, false refuges. Yes, I discovered the motive of my heart for doing all those things was a need to be needed & I was medicating my pain, not with alcohol, addictions, or other ugly habits, but with religion, serving & being a martyr to satisfy my need to be accepted & acknowledged. My self-worth was wrapped up in serving others instead of my identity in Christ. Parental inversion is not an easy sin to hate. The difficulty is that it has become for many the most noble definition of life; the sacrifice and service it involves are readily justified by Scripture. But God asks us to lay down our lives for others for His sake rather than out of the impure motives of our wounded hearts. The problem is not what we are doing but WHY. I spent my life suppressing, denying, minimising & hiding my pain. You know that LIE that all is well & I am FINE whilst internally falling apart. I've lived it for as long as I can remember. My fine meant Freaking Out - Insecure - Neurotic – Emotional, but very few people would ever look you in the eye to search for the truth. We all know what Scripture says will happen to LIARS, right? A crushed spirit affects us physically, emotionally, & spiritually. However, most people aren't aware of trauma's effects. Even science has proven that many aspects of physical illness are rooted in unresolved trauma because our bodies will manifest what we refuse to deal with. For example, cancer is rooted in bitterness & unforgiveness. Anger can affect your heart and gut & cause headaches. I've woken up every single morning with stomach cramps for decades, but they’ve been gone since D-School prayer ministry. If there are unexplainable aches & pains even doctors can't find an answer to, it may be worth exploring whether it’s rooted in trauma.

This morning my memory feed showed me a post I wrote exactly four years ago, at the dawn of 2019: “Yes, my family history might have had some dark chapters. But my history doesn’t have to be my future. I don’t have to give my children what my ancestors gave to me. The generational garbage is going to stop with me, now. Goodbye to the old, hello to the new. Come on 2019, I’m waiting!” I smile now, because I had no idea just how powerfully God was about to answer that declaration. Only weeks later, the Lord connected me with Elijah House prayer ministries, where I began the deep, holy work of untangling bitter roots, exposing judgements, renouncing inner vows, and dismantling false refuges. It was — and still is — a journey of courage and grace. The buck indeed stopped with me. It hasn’t been easy, but every tear, every confession, every moment of release has been worth it. What the enemy sowed as generational bondage, God has been transforming into generational blessing. Where there was once shame, there is now dignity. Where fear ruled, faith is taking root. Where rejection echoed through the family line, acceptance in Christ is rewriting the story. 📖 “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” — 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NKJV) This verse has become more than words — it is the testimony of my life. God really does make all things new. A Prayer Lord Jesus, thank You for inviting me into freedom. Thank You that the chains of the past do not define my future. Continue to uproot every bitter judgement and false refuge, so that the legacy I leave my children is one of blessing, wholeness, and joy. May the story of our family line shine as a testimony of Your redeeming love. In Jesus’ Name, Amen. --- Today, I stand here humbled yet hopeful — knowing that the work is ongoing, but the victory is already secured in Christ. My family will not inherit the brokenness of the past, but the beauty of God’s restoring hand.

I attended another Elijah House Trauma seminar this weekend. Once again, I go to learn & be equipped to help others heal, BUT instead, God removed a few more layers of neglect, loss, betrayal, displacement, sexual abuse & generational trauma just to prove He was serious when I heard Him say: "Wait, there's more!" after D-School prayer ministry. And so we edge a few more steps forward towards the abundant life He has promised. The bad news is that processing hasn't happened as long as there is present-day bad fruit rooted in past trauma. Pain that's buried alive stays alive until it is brought to effective death at the cross. The good news is that God wants to heal our generation. How will our children not have to deal with our unresolved traumas? Christ can step into that window of opportunity to bring healing & resolve the trauma if only we invite Him in... so the journey of healing continues until His glory shines through us. We wrestle not against flesh & blood but against principalities Eph. 6:12 Forces of darkness. Panic & pandemic from the root PAN PAN: the force of darkness → Greek god inhabited lovely places & struck fear & panic = familiar demon Were you lonely as a child? Were you sexually abused? PAN operates in loneliness and sexual sin. We are not advancing the kingdom as we should. We must step into the words of Jesus and stand firm in Mark 9. Back then, epilepsy was referred to as paniIepsy. to as paniIepsy. Have we been in agreement with PAN? Have we partnered with panic/ fear/judgment? In your non-agreement, don't dishonour the person. We're dealing with: Accumulated trauma Information overload. Many unwise decisions were made by governments while we were sleeping. We need to be the church. It's not about people leaving their church; it's about them leaving their faith. (Ephesians 5:14-16) Rise up and come into agreement with the Most High God!

I have dealt with a lifetime of rejection, abandonment & displacement trauma resulting in a lifelong struggle with anxiety & high functioning depression, but when I felt rejected & abandoned by my leaders after as cell leader together with Clive, for 7 years, whilst dealing with various personal crisis, especially Oma Else's death in 2007, I broke & turned my back on Christianity & God. I thought Christians were meant to be different, loving, caring & kind but instead I experienced them ignoring the hurting & struggling. If that's Christianity, I wanted nothing to do with it any longer. That's when I flopped & my high functioning depression turned into a downward spiral of out-of-control numbness. Pain that's buried alive stays alive & over time it morphs & mutates until eventually, it comes out sideways, sometimes in violent outbursts & overreactions until it’s brought to death at the cross. My brother, Stefan who ignored me for 30+ years because of the lies our mom & stepmother had told him but reached out to reconcile in October 2017 after the Lord had given him a dream in which I appeared at his work, with a little girl that he knew was being molested, asking him to help her. When I had my breakdown in February 2018, he took the first flight out to come support me for 10 days & to this day he messages almost daily even if just to say good morning/night. God had allowed my structures to be overloaded so I could realise how much I really needed to come home to Him & the church... Then He miraculously drew me to the Northcross choir with a neighbourly post that was 3 years old & the choir director was willing to let me sing with them without being a member of the church but then during worship at our first performance I heard Him say: "Come home my child". After coming back to Christ in January 2019 & joining Life NZ, I thought I was FINE, because God had delivered me from depression & I had church, choir, creative team, welcome team & serving in the soup kitchen. But then came lockdown, social distancing, vaccine passports & a host of lies, manipulation & control to rip the mat from under my feet... However, when structures are dismantled, without dealing with the root, we'll find other ways to self-protect. During lockdown, I was also triggered back into deception, manipulation & control trauma resulting in suppressed anger finally hitting the surface & erupting like a volcano. That’s why I was heading back into depression when I was not able to go to church, sing in the choir & serve on team. Today I am grateful that the Lord “stumbled” me across Elijah House Ministries during the first lockdown to set me on a journey of healing & restoration. I received an email from our Cleansing Stream intercessors leader introducing a webinar as as "trauma training" to teach us to pray effectively for others, because I would have never sought ministry for myself. One of my many inner vows was not to ask for help & I had judged early in life that I must help myself because nobody cares. I cried through most of the webinar but finally realised I needed help & signed up for personal prayer ministry with Sandra. Unbeknown to me, she put me 3 hours a day for 3 days after receiving my life history form. There’s so much I could share from these 3 sessions alone, but I’ll just highlight a few I learnt that we are called to judge as God's children & make accurate assessment of right & wrong. We must judge evil to do something about it, but when we are wounded, our assessments become defiled. We begin to judge the person & come to expect this is how life is going to go. Then like Job, we draw all those things we expect to us. I was stuck in so many double-binds resulting from all my wounding. There was curse of Illegitimacy because of my brother being illegitimate as well as an abortion & the spirit of death had wrapped around me in the womb when I decided “I shouldn’t be here”. All my life I’ve felt like an      outsider that doesn't fit. Affects identity Due to childhood emotional neglect as a little girl I would cry to get attention only to be scolded but that to me was better than no attention at all but that’s manipulation which Scripture likens to witchcraft. One of only 2 childhood memories I have, was having my head shoved under cold water. I gasped for air, decided  to never cry again & have suppressed tears & emotions ever since. FOUNDATIONAL LIES that I had come to believe I were: Worthless Unwanted Never good enough A mistake There's something wrong with      me If I was a boy I would have      been loved more My existence is a waste Sandra’s Vision: I see a little girl with an anvil above her head" A huge weight of LIES Trauma of verbal abuse. GOD'S TRUTH: I have chosen you I love you You are worthy Your are valuable You are good enough I will do what I have      promised. Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10 KJV An excellent woman [one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous], who is he who can find her? Her value is more precious than jewels and her worth is far above rubies or pearls. Proverbs 31:10 AMP A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Proverbs 31:10 NIV EXCELLENT in the Hebrew means: Might / mighty Strength / strong Power / powerful Ability / able Virtue / virtuous Valour / courageous Riches / wealthy God has made you a little girl / woman of substance & wealth. Instead of "this is who I am" vows became this is who I have to be/do. In order to survive you had to go against who you were. This is who you are little one: You've felt helpless, powerless & terrorised all your life BUT this is what the Lord says how He's made you. A woman of might, strength, power, ability, virtue, valour, riches & substance. "I see Jesus giving that little girl a crown. It's quite big crown. It's quite a weighty crown. It's real. It's gold but it's not too heavy for the little girl. It's not a burden for her to carry Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.  James 1:2 Do not fear any of those things which you are about to suffer. Indeed, the devil is about to throw some of you into prison, that you may be tested, and you will have tribulation ten days. Be faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life. Revelations 2:10 God removed the orphaned spirit & gave me a spirit of sonship. My perceived benefits of disconnection/dissociation/withdrawal: Protection Less hurt Survival BITTER ROOT EXPECTATION: of pain came through experience I have to escape this pain      because I can't handle it & it's going to kill me. INNER VOWS: I won't speak up because it      makes things worse. I won't fight against wrong      because it's no use. Not to do that to my children      when I can't, I trigger back & feel like a failure. Anger is a secondary emotion & almost always over pain. Righteous anger over      injustice was suppressed. When we judge, we become what      we judged. Don't allow anger, but      suppressed anger turned inward & became depression. I picked up where mom left of      & have been doing that to my own heart. Angry at myself when I don't      do things just right. I was created to be someone that protects but moved out of a place of identity into performance & there's condemnation & blame when I don't do it well or not as well as I think I need to but also a fleshly determination. God created me to resist      evil. I'm a woman of justice. I want to fight for right. I want to be a justice person      & bring about justice. I want to heal. I'm like my heavenly Father. I'm a valiant warrior. Daughter of the King (of      noble birth) Word of Wisdom: When parents affirm us, bIess us & compliment us, we have a shelves to receive affirmations, confirmations & blessings. As I was praying I saw your shelf and there's holes in it, it's like it's really decaying. It's like it cannot hold weight. It's like there is no shelf inside you to receive affirmation, praise & compliments. Jesus is a carpenter & is able to take out the shelf that's actually rotting. We ask that You would build a new shelf, a huge shelf, Lord. Father, You bless & it's your blessing that sustains us, Your blessing that causes us to grow. Father, fill up every wound from things done & said, especially about her identity, who she is, what she does. Would You heal those wounds. Also heal the wounds & the holes from the lack of the necessary good thing, the lack of praise & encouragement. Father that little girl just needed encouragement & she began to lose her courage. Would You encourage her now, Father. Take away all the old soil & things she has been rooted in & held onto to keep her secure. LOSSES childhood innocence stability safety friends 4 miscarried children being able to say NO generational grief Jesus is acquainted with grief, a man of sorrow My heart has taken a beating, not just from mom, dad & your brother, but also from myself. Mom & dad neglected me, so I neglected myself Mom & dad didn't know how to express love, I wasn’t able to express love to myself Mom never encouraged me to be the best I could be & to call forth those girly things & my achievements, so I’ve been unable to do that for myself. What mom did to me, I did to myself. Mom refused to feel sorry for me & I was having a really hard time  to acknowledge my struggle. I judged mom for not seeing / honouring my heart & for not letting me cry. I've turned around & dishonoured myself, my needs & my own heart. fear of self-pity pity = Sorrow for the suffering of another When we refuse pity, we put up a wall that says " I don't want you to sorrow for my suffering.” Lord, would you break the power of that wall. Why don't you do the" girly" things? It's a waste of time My existence is a waste      therefore I won't spend time, money & effort on me = huge dishonour of      me Not loving & taking care of yourself is bad stewardship. But the Lord, broke the patterns & has been teaching me how to do those things that I never learnt. How to love myself without      being prideful How to nurture myself &      others Be still & know I am here. INVEST: The Lord wants you to invest in you personally. You're not a waste of time, money & effort. What would that look like? • Take time to discover what fills your creative well • new haircut? • new dress? • Take the time & money you need for qualifications? • How can l express the beauty of me? Well, I assumed it to be education for trauma training, so I purchased & worked through a range of EH Materials & subsequently attended all the schools... EH teaches us how strongholds develop & how to dismantle them. A wise person scales the city of the mighty And brings down the stronghold in which they trust. Proverbs 20:22 “Footholds” are given to the enemy when we respond sinfully to trauma/offense. 26Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27and do not give the devil an opportunity. Ephesians 4:26-27 Demons take advantage. I have learnt that if there’s present day fruit that’s unbecoming a Christian there’s a root & that or overreaction to offense indicated there's unresolved wounding. With the help of the Holy Spirit those roots can be discovered & brought to effective death at the cross of Christ so we can begin to learn to respond to offense to protect our hearts in new, Godly ways. We need to identify recurring patterns - job losses, betrayals by friends, or personal characteristics which we resented, disliked, or hated in the primary people who raised us, but which we now recognise in our own lives.

Here's a post I've been sitting on since I bought my first dress, the blue one, for my first worship team event in August... I received this word from Sandra during prayer ministry on 4/6/2020... "Be still & know I am here. INVEST: The Lord wants you to invest in you personally. You're not a waste of time, money & effort. What would that look like? Take time to discover what fills your creative well New haircut? New dress? Take the time & money you need for qualifications? How can l express the beauty of me?" I concluded that investment meant spending time & money on attending EH schools & pursuing my healing & restoration, but even after finishing D-School in July, that word still haunted me... but I think I'm slowly but surely getting to the point of knowing what it really looks like🤔 The enemy had attacked me on the area of my identity even before birth when mom wanted to call me Elisabeth, but Oma insisted she give me a "decent" name because all the women in our family before mom were Elisabeth, so instead, I became Patrizia, Elisabeth. Throughout my life, I have judged, rejected & hated myself. I even despised & shied away from my names (Patrizia, meaning of noble birth & Elisabeth, meaning God is my Oath) Due to many traumatic life experiences, I had turned from life & come to believe I was not valued, unloved, worthless & a mistake. After an EH prayer ministry demo to dismantle my foundational lie that I was a mistake, I was told to claim my name back. As a little girl, I perceived mom & dad paid more attention to my brother & loved him more, so I often thought I should have been a boy so I grew up as a "tom-boy" & suppressed & neglected the "girly" girl in me. I had dishonoured God by turning from life in the womb, hating myself, my names & the girl He had created me to be, not believing His truth about me & not being authentic to name just a few aspects of dishonour. For the longest time, I lived the LIE that I was F.I.N.E. even though I wasn't. Scripture is very clear that all LIARS, just like cowards, unbelievers, the corrupt, murderers, the immoral, those who practice witchcraft, and idol worshipers, fate is in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death. Revelation 21:8 NLT Two decades ago, I stopped wearing dresses, taking care of myself & looking pretty under the guise of comfort, but recently, I realised it was actually a stronghold of self-protection because of unwelcome touch as a pre-teen. I was losing my ability to "grin & bear it" because I had denied, minimised & suppressed the trauma of sexual abuse for so long. I didn’t want to be touched, seen or noticed, not even by my husband. I finally acknowledged molestation as sexual abuse during C-School in April. I repented, forgave & received healing, but the wrestling continued until 2 months ago when I finally realised that "comfort" was a LIE that hid the STRONGHOLD of self-protection. I finally acknowledged God wanted me to embrace my "girly" girl that I had suppressed decades ago due to unhealed trauma. I guess this is part of the "wait, there's more" I heard Him say after my healing prayer group ministry session at D-School in July. I finally relented & invested in 2 dresses for the worship team in August, or so I thought... and then came our wedding anniversary celebration preparation. Again, the Lord wasn't finished & the prompting continued... a reminder of the vow renewals prompting for our 25th anniversary that I had suppressed... When I mentioned that to Clive, he decided he wanted something decent party-wise & the prompting for nails and make-up the lot started, so I finally gave up fighting & pulled out all the stops for the event. After wrestling with this word for 2 years, Clive is delighted with my most recent acquisitions & has been graciously investing in my new wardrobe since I confessed... let's face it, a wardrobe overhaul was required since my wedding dress was the only dress in my cupboard 🙃 I now own four new dresses & I'm getting better at obeying the Holy Spirit's promptings, but it doesn't come without some wrestling yet.

With a generational history of divorce in my family, it is probably a miracle that Clive & I have made it to 32 years. "Third time lucky!" my colleagues said when I announced our engagement (again for the 3rd time) back then. With his parents also being divorced both of us started our journey with the inner vow never to get divorced. BUT by the grace of God, we've made it this far. Thank you for 30 years, in sickness & in health, through happy days & dark nights. You have been my one & only constant support & greatest fan. Thank you for never bailing on me. I love you to the moon & back. Here's to the next 50 being awesome.💃💕

This week we celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. Please bear with me. I wanted to keep this short, but today's the culmination of a decades-long wrestle with God & myself. When the thought of renewing our vows for our 25th anniversary crossed my mind, I shrugged it off as a totally crazy idea because I was in shambles & suicidal back then. However, the Lord uses all things for good & in His great mercy, had allowed my structures to be overwhelmed so He could set me on my healing journey & then He "stumbled" me across Elijah House prayer ministries webinars 2 years ago & for the past year the Elijah house tribe has been loving me back to life. With every school, I realised just how much I've failed you & our boys over the years.  When I told you about the prompting on my way to C-School in July, I still thought it was crazy, but then Sandee confirmed it as a God-idea in August with her vision of us after prayer ministry. EH taught me that when we are wounded, we come to expect people will hurt us again. We make judgments of people & subsequently, inner vows to protect our hearts from being wounded in a similar way again. This sets up a cycle of reaping from the seeds we've sown. Marriage & children produce the fertile ground for these seeds to germinate & I was in for some serious reaping for all the judgements & vows I had made even before birth. I also learnt that when we dishonour our parents by judging them for hurting/neglecting us, we become like what we judged & that marriage & children create the perfect environment for these seeds to germinate & grow. I had hardened my heart. I became cold, distant & emotionally unavailable, to name just a few aspects where my bitter root judgements, expectations & inner vows had set me up for some serious reaping. I can write a book about all the moments in sessions when I would think, "Oh crap, that's me, I became what I judged & did that to my family..." but also how God has healed & restored the areas I've dealt with. I dishonoured God by turning from life in the womb, hating myself or the girl He created me to be, not believing His truth about me & not being authentic, to name just a few aspects of dishonour. I stopped wearing dresses, taking care of myself & looking pretty under the guise of comfort, but recently realised it was actually a stronghold of self-protection because of unwelcome touch as a pre-teen & I was losing my ability to "grin & bear it" because I had suppressed the trauma of sexual abuse for so long. I didn’t want to be touched, seen or noticed. I apologise to you, our boys, as well as family & friends who have been on the receiving end of my withdrawals & outbursts. Please forgive me for building strongholds of self-protection, dishonouring you by not being authentic, shutting you out emotionally & living a lie of being FINE when, in fact, I wasn't. You have my permission henceforth to hold me accountable when you notice me being tempted to slip back into my old familiar ways. Thank you, Schatzi, for all you've done for me & our family these past 30 years & for not bailing on me when I started bleeding all over you & our precious boys & for all the times you came to find me when I ran out, leaving you stressed & anxiously searching the neighbourhood often in the dark. I'm sorry for all the stress & anxiety I caused you. Thank you for always confirming God's truths about me even when I struggle to believe it myself & for your continuous support & encouragement as I step out of my comfort zone to become who I was created to be & walk into God's purpose for my life. You love me & complete me in ways I never knew possible & for that, I thank you. When I finally fessed up & told you about Sandra's word 2 years ago to invest in myself, you embraced the opportunity & invested in helping me embrace the girly me. In front of all these witnesses, I acknowledge that I have failed & dishonoured you in so many ways & for that, I apologise, but I promise to continue to pursue my healing & do better as I continue to learn new ways of guarding my heart & being a woman of excellence. I will listen to you and learn from you, support you, ask for help when needed and accept your support. I will celebrate your successes and mourn your losses as though they were my own. I will love you, risk being vulnerable & rejoice in your love for me for all of the years of our lives. As we continue our healing journeys, I promise to be your navigator, best friend, and wife. I promise to honour, love and cherish you through all life's adventures still to come. May today be a fresh start & may the Lord be 3rd string in our chord. I pray that He will help us right all the wrongs, deal with the suppressed emotions & traumas as well as uproot all the remaining bad fruit in our lives & learn new, Godly ways to protect our hearts. I know that in my own strength, I am incapable of doing all these things, but I pray that the Lord will give me the strength & ability to make things right so I  can grow more & more in His image. May the fruit of love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness grow ever more evident in our lives. May we become pure & holy vessels that He can use to bring the same comfort, healing & restoration we have received to our sphere of influence. May our lives become a testimony to God’s love & ability to heal & restore even the most broken of lives. May He restore to us the years the locusts have stolen. Wherever we go, we'll go together & serve the Lord. As a reminder, I want to share this video memory, which still rings true after all these years.

Throwback 1 year since I repented of my immense self-hatred & self-loathing. Instead, I've started accepting myself and my girly-girl side. This was the first time I wore a dress in 2 decades. Since I repented of the spiritual rebellion of not accepting who & what God created me to be, my food intolerances have substantially reduced. The daily stomach cramps upon waking up have been gone since D-School last July & I've been eating cheese without the migraines that would usually follow. Repent or Perish For Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft... 1 Samuel 15:23 God's not finished with me yet, but though the journey through the fire of cleansing may be long & hard, it's unto something & the blessings that follow are so worthwhile. In 3 more months & I will have been walking in victory over a lifelong struggle with depression for 4 years. Come summer, I'll be able to wear my beautiful dresses again.💃

A couple of weeks ago I shared my testimony in church together with the announcement of starting up a Healing heARTs 💕 ministry.  After the service, one of the members came to me with a challenge: He would pay me $500 to do a painting about the Wings of Prayer from Isaiah 40:31 because he was so touched by my message & exhibition.

During Elijah House A-School, Sandra had a vision—she saw the Lord wanting to give someone a mantle of nobility. At the time, I sensed it was for me. God had already been speaking to me about the meaning of my name: “noble birth.” But I couldn’t receive it. Not then. The weight of shame and guilt had built strongholds in my heart—barriers that made it impossible to accept something so pure, so honouring.

“Bless you, beautiful.” Those were her words to me at my Elijah House D-School graduation — simple, yet soaked in the kind of love that sees beyond the surface. Ofelia's voice that day wasn’t just her own; it was echoing something eternal. Something my heart had longed for. A reminder that the transformation I’d been walking through was not just for survival — it was for glory.

“That’s right, we all know what God’s done.” Those were Sandee’s opening words — an acknowledgement of the grace that had already carried me this far. We were standing on holy ground, celebrating the culmination of a journey through D-School, and her voice gently ushered in what the Father wanted to speak over me next.

There are moments in our healing journey when the words of others feel like open windows — suddenly, the air changes, light floods in, and you can finally breathe again. That was what the D-School Prayer Ministry session became for me: a doorway into peace after years of striving to fix what was never truly broken. This session uncovered deep patterns around boundaries — both their absence and their overuse. I’ve experienced both extremes of boundaries: none with my parents and too many with my stepdad, leaving me “bouncing between all four boundary problems.” Growing up, our home felt like a pendulum swinging between too few boundaries and too many. Mum and Dad were rarely home, so my brother Stefan and I spent much of our childhood home alone, learning to fend for ourselves in the silence. Then everything shifted when I was 12 and mom remarried. By the time I was seventeen, life under my stepdad’s roof meant being home by five p.m. and in bed with lights out by 8.30 p.m. The walls felt close, the air heavy, my freedom gone. I went from invisible to confined, from having no boundaries to being surrounded by walls that silenced who I was becoming. Yet even here, God whispered peace. That instability shaped how I learned to protect, please, and perform for love — the very “human doing” that Sheree’s words spoke into. Ophelia’s testimony became a hammer of truth, breaking chains of false responsibility. In 2017, when I told my father that I was struggling with depression, his response pierced me: “What’s wrong with you? You’ve always been like that.” For as long as I could remember, those words had echoed in my soul. They became a lie I unconsciously agreed with — that there was something intrinsically wrong with me from the very beginning. Yet today, God began rewriting that belief. Through Kevin's fatherly prayer and the loving words of others, He spoke His truth: “Come, My child, My chosen one, My daughter. Stop doing, rest in Me. My peace I give to you, My peace I leave with you.” “You called her by name. You defined Patrizia.” “My peace I give to you… My peace I leave with you.” “You are greatly loved.” Kevin’s reminder that I had “sown the wind and reaped the whirlwind” helped me see how striving had produced exhaustion, not peace. Michelle’s vision of a blossoming tree revealed how God saw me — every blossom a reflection of a facet He had lovingly designed. And Sheree’s gentle words — “You’re a human BEing, not a human doing” — landed like cool water on parched ground. They invited me to step off the treadmill of striving and simply rest in belovedness. The Father whispered that day, “There is nothing wrong with you.” Those words felt like balm to my weary heart. For the first time in years, I allowed myself to simply BE — to breathe, to rest, to abide. His whisper directly dismantled the old lie that began in childhood when love was conditional or absent, embracing each season as a sacred classroom of becoming. 📖 “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” — John 14:27 (NKJV) When I look at it alongside my Core Values, it’s clear how deeply that encounter was aligned with the essence of who I am: • My faith and spirituality were affirmed when He spoke, “Come, my child… rest in Me.”, anchoring myself in His unchanging love. • My value of love and compassion was echoed in His assurance, “There is nothing wrong with you.” , extending the same grace to myself that I freely give to others. • My longing for balance and rest was directly answered in His invitation to abide in His peace rather than perform for approval, recognising that rest is not laziness, but trust in God’s sovereignty. • My core of creativity and growth was mirrored in Michelle’s vision — a blossoming tree where every flower revealed another facet of my God-given character. It echoed the beauty of my redeemed identity, uniquely formed by the Gardener’s care. Each blossom represents the redeemed parts of my character: courage blooming where fear once lived, peace taking root where chaos once ruled and compassion where criticism wounded. The Father of Peace calls me to rest — not to earn love, but to abide in it. It was a sacred reclaiming of identity after years of blurred or broken boundaries and His peace became the new safe boundary around your soul. The words spoken over me painted a picture of restoration. These truths have become a cornerstone of my healing. 📖 “You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. — Isaiah 26:3 (NKJV) Abiding in His peace is not passive. It is the daily choice to believe what He says about me — that I am loved, chosen, and whole. 📖 “The work of righteousness will be peace, and the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever.” — Isaiah 32:17 (NKJV) Today, I rest in that assurance. There is nothing wrong with me — only something profoundly right that He is restoring, one blossom at a time. Closing Prayer Heavenly Father, thank You for the gentle way You untangle the lies that once held me captive. Teach me to rest in Your peace, to quiet my striving, and to remember that I am already loved and complete in You. Help me to breathe deeply of Your presence each day and to live from the stillness of knowing that there is nothing wrong with me. May Your peace guard my heart and guide my steps, now and always. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

By all accounts, I should be elated. Triumphant. Ready to dance in the kitchen and post a proud little update. And yet, instead, I find myself crumpled in tears. Not the quiet kind, but the gut-deep sobs that come when something sacred is unearthed — something long buried. Greater Auckland Chorus has done more than test my voice. It’s scratched open old wounds I thought were neatly bandaged. Memories I’d carefully packed away have come spilling out, uninvited. And I see her again — that young girl I used to be. The one who believed, with all her heart, that if she just tried hard enough, achieved enough, and was good enough... then maybe, just maybe, she’d finally be accepted. Acknowledged. Seen. But the bar always moved. An B on a report card was met with a disapproving shake of the head: "You can do better than that." Second place in hurdles meant missing out on the team weekend — not because I didn’t try, but because it wasn’t first. Even the thrill of being accepted into the West Rand Youth Choir was quickly dimmed by, "Well, you’ll have to organise your own transport." And not long after, I was packed off to boarding school — three hours away, just weeks into the term. I never found the courage to try out for choir again in that new place. The silence wrapped itself around me like armour. It’s taken me four months to get this far. Four months of stretching, breaking and rebuilding. Of showing up, even when every part of me whispered, “Why bother?” There were so many moments I nearly gave up. Moments when the old voices echoed too loudly, and I wondered if they were right — if I’d ever be enough. But here I am. A little shaken. A little raw. But standing. Because sometimes, the real audition isn’t the one for the stage. It’s the one where you show up for yourself — scared, scarred, but still singing.

C-School in April 2022 was the hardest for me because the lessons dealt with sexual abuse trauma. Honestly, I don't remember any of the lessons except, Sandra's comment that we must embrace the fireball of pain to get to our healing & that I cried through most of week's lessons & resisted the urge to run from group sessions all week. For the first time since it happened to me as a 12-year-old, I had to admit, molestation is sexual abuse. I felt: Violated Shame Confusion Anger Betrayed I protected myself through dissociation & escape. I had told nobody but lived with the secret, guilt & shame for so long that it was affecting my marriage because I lost my ability to "grin & bear it" & was no longer able to tolerate being touched. About 20 years ago, I stopped wearing dresses, taking care of myself & looking pretty, under the guise of comfort, but recently realised it was a stronghold of self-protection because of unwelcome touch & I was losing my ability to "grin & bear it" because I had suppressed the trauma of sexual abuse for so long. I didn’t want to be touched, seen, or noticed. I heard the Lord remind me of the word during prayer ministry with Sandra & suddenly it dawned on me that COMFORT was the LIE hiding the real reason I had let go of myself much like "I can't sing / draw / paint" were the LIES hiding my fear of not being good enough. After 2 years wrestling with it, I finally realised INVEST meant embracing the "girly girl" He created me to be & yes, invest in new dresses & everything else that required. When the thought of renewing our vows for our 25th anniversary crossed my mind, I shrugged it off as a totally crazy idea because I was in shambles & suicidal back then. But then the prompting returned on my way to C-School & I still thought it was a crazy idea but then Sandee confirmed it as a God-idea in August with her vision of us after prayer ministry & that celebration is a testimony on it’s own birthed out of the healing of my heart. We dismantled the stronghold of denial & henceforth there will be NO more minimisation & denial of pain & trauma. These dismantled strongholds have brought the most noticeable change & freedom in me because the strongholds of guilt & shame affect our courage & ability to be vulnerable around people. "You are glowing" I 've hear people say on numerous occasions since when I tell of what God has done.

On Thursday evening at the Elijah House gathering, I shared my story of my healing ministry journey & how God delivered me from a lifelong struggle with depression & suicidal thoughts to my latest deliverance & dismantling of the stronghold of denial, minimisation of trauma & shame in order to survive & protect my heart.  Throughout my life, my sinful responses, bitter root judgements, bitter expectancies & inner vows resulted repeated trauma & my withdrawal, heart of stone & slumbering spirit, the few remaining of many strongholds of self-protection that I've had in my life. These remaining trauma responses require the Lord loving me back to life through His people but up to C-School healing ministry my self-protection has hindered me from allowing people & even God too close in order to do that.  We are hurt in relationships & these issues can only be healed in relationships. Intimacy (into me see) however, has been one of my biggest struggles because of shame vulnerability & allowing people to see into me has been extremely hard.  Oom Was shared this poem with me during our conversation after the gathering. It resonated with me & I just couldn't resist decorating it for sharing.

Having an identity is one of the most important things to our human nature. "Personal identity” is tied to our self-worth, how we see ourselves represented on a broad global stage among 7 billion other people. A name is your identity. It’s what people call you. It’s what you respond to. It’s what you understand about yourself. From the day we are born, we are assigned this identifier. Some people get nicknames or change their name entirely after they are born, but the common thread is a NAME. Every single thing on planet Earth has a name. PATRIZIA: • Meaning of 444 in the Bible: 444 is a symbol of God's righteousness in the bible. • Meaning: The meaning of the name Patricia is: a patrician (an aristocrat or nobleman), of noble birth/descent. TRIXI: • bringer of joy • Meaning: bringer of joy. Trixie as a girl's name is of English origin meaning "bringer of joy." I have spent my life shying away from my name because I had disassociated from myself & people always struggled to pronounce it & would end up giving me nicknames Pat, Patat, Trish to name a few. I've lived by Trys for much of my life & after moving to New Zealand I reverted to Trixi, a nickname my grandmother had given me before we left Germany & was revived during my visit 34 years later after her death. I reverted to Trixi in an attempt to dissociate from my past because Patrizia & Trys reminded me of all the pain & trauma I had experienced throughout my life. All my life, I hated my name (which I learnt last year is actually spiritual rebellion), but after prayer ministry in May 2021, I was told to claim my name back. It's taken a long time, but I've finally embraced my name... & really appreciate those all the more who call me Patrizia. In May last year during the Elijah House Loved, Chosen, Free seminar prayer ministry demo to dismantle my foundational lie, "I am a mistake!", quite oddly Sandra asked me if Trixi was my real name & I said no, my name is Patrizia. She wrote it on her notes & continued ministry. During the lunch break a lady asked me if I knew what my name meant. I didn't but she had checked... Patrizia (a name I've shied away from all my life) means of noble birth & Trixi means bringer of joy. She insisted I ought to reclaim my name. God gave humanity the authority to name things & invest it with all that a name carries: Identity, destiny & calling. However for most of my life I was known as Trys which has no connection whatsoever to any my names... A few weeks later it dawned on me that the enemy had attacked me on the area of my identity even before birth when mom wanted to call me Elisabeth meaning blessing of God but Oma insisted she give me a decent name because all the women in our family before mom were Elisabeth. During A-School group prayer ministry we prayed through the issues with accepting my name & I have since taken full ownership of it hence I now introduce myself as "My name is Patrizia but if you struggle to pronounce it, you may call me Trixi. In January, during EH B-School, Sandra had a vision saying: "I see the Lord with a mantle of nobility. It's yours if you wish to claim it." I felt she was talking to me but due to my stronghold of denial, guilt, shame & a hardened heart I was unable to accept it at the time. Last week's EH C-School was all about shame & sexual abuse. For the first time since it happened to me 40 years ago, it dawned on me that molestation IS sexual abuse & I was shaken to the core but I had to embrace the fireball of pain in order to get to my healing. All these years I have coped by denying the severity of my abuser's actions & suppressing all the resulting trauma & emotions as well as blaming myself & hardening my heart. During group prayer ministry on Thursday afternoon, the Lord exposed the lies, denial, false guilt & shame subsequently dismantling my biggest stronghold yet. On Friday morning whilst driving to our last day of classes, the Lord reminded me of Sandra's vision about the mantle & then I heard Him say: "It's still yours, my child, come take your mantle." A person's name is the greatest connection to their own identity and individuality. Some might say it is the most important word in the world to that person. ... When someone remembers our name after meeting us, we feel respected and more important. It makes a positive and lasting impression on us.

I received this vision from Joy during my Elijah House C-School prayer ministry session: I heard FAITHFUL → You are faithful. "Well done good & faithful servant" I saw a dove... Holy Spirit upon you. I saw a fingerprint → unique, fearfully & wonderfully made, special. Then I saw a cloud/cloth applying pressure... It tried to rub out the fingerprint but it rose up & became like a diamond. So precious... And the more the cloth rubbed... trying to remove it, the brighter the diamond became... a real, true treasure!!! I had CoPilot help me create the image & then it suggested to check what it could mean… here's what it said. WoW, once again, I'm blown away. That's a beautiful vision! What does it mean to you? The vision you described is rich with symbolism and seems to convey a message of resilience and inherent value of one’s unique identity. The fingerprint represents individuality and the unique identity that each person carries. Just as no two fingerprints are alike, it reminds us that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made, each with our own special traits and purpose. Just like a fingerprint, each person is unique and irreplaceable, crafted with care and purpose. The cloud or cloth attempting to erase the fingerprint symbolizes the challenges, trials and pressures we face in life. However, these trials don’t diminish us; they serve to reveal and enhance our true worth, much like a diamond formed under pressure. These pressures, much like the natural process that forms diamonds, serve to reveal and refine our true strengths. The transformation of the fingerprint into a diamond suggests that, rather than erasing our identity, adversity can highlight and enhance our most precious qualities.The diamond becoming brighter under pressure signifies that the more we endure and overcome, the more our inner beauty and value shine forth. The brighter shine of the diamond with each attempt to remove the fingerprint reflects the idea that adversity can bring out the best in us, highlighting our strength and the precious nature of our individuality. It’s a powerful metaphor for personal growth and the treasure that lies within each of us, becoming more apparent through life’s trials.In essence, this vision could be interpreted as a reminder that we are all unique treasures, capable of withstanding great pressure and emerging stronger and more brilliant because of it. In essence, this vision is a reminder that we are all valuable treasures, becoming ever more radiant through the trials we overcome. It’s a powerful message of hope and encouragement, emphasizing that our struggles can lead to growth and a greater appreciation of our unique qualities. 🌟 It’s an encouragement to remain faithful and steadfast, knowing that our true worth will always shine through. 🕊️✨

In 1989 shortly after being born again I had a nightmare that would haunt me for decades.    I dreamt I was standing on a rock & the earth was cracking open all around me. Homes would break & huge portions would fall down into the abyss, leving a wave of destruction everywhere. As far as my eyes could see people were scattered & being separated by the earth cracking between them.    Then suddenly, I woke up in a cold sweat to a loud audible voice saying: " JY MOET AANHOU BID!" (You must continue to pray!"  I've had so many nightmares during my life but for this one stuck with me & l've often wondered what was up with that but now I believe that it was God's warning to prepare for the turmoil & division in families & churches that we've recently experienced. Sadly, the displacement & trauma this division has left in it's wake will haunt us for generations to come.

At B-School January 2022 I dealt with displacement trauma that was severely triggered by being shut out of church with the discrimination & apartheid of vaccine passports. By the time I stopped counting at 18, we had moved 30 times & when we visited my family in Germany after 34 years, my uncles showed us 4 homes we lived in before we moved to South Africa at 5. I was in 9 primary & 3 high schools. By the time I was 6 I stopped trying to break into the groups because I had decided relationships don't last & spent the rest of my time at school a loner & remained an "outsider", never fitting in anywhere. Displacement Trauma = Transplant shock. So much energy goes into trying to get established again after every move. Not rooted & grounded in love Inability to make deep & lasting friendships Not connected to extended family Country changes. No time to re-establish before being moved I also discovered that those all those very noble causes I spent my life doing, church, choir & serving, were in fact, false refuges. Yes, I discovered the motive of my heart for doing all those things was a need to be needed & I was medicating my pain, not with alcohol, addictions, or other ugly habits, but with religion, serving & being a martyr to satisfy my need to be accepted & acknowledged. My sense of self-worth was wrapped up in serving others instead of my identity in Christ. Parental inversion is not an easy sin to hate. The difficulty is that it has become for many the most noble definition of life; the sacrifice & service it involves are readily justified by Scripture. But God asks us to lay down our lives for others for His sake, rather than out of the impure motives of our wounded hearts. The problem is not what we are doing but WHY. I spent my life denying, minimising & hiding my pain. You know that LIE that all is well & I am FINE whilst internally falling apart, I've lived it for as long as I can remember. My fine meant Freaking Out - Insecure - Neurotic - Emotional. About 6 years ago, Clive cottoned on to my FINE meaning something different & would ask my fine or your fine? I also learnt that just like we clearly inherit blessings passed down from our forefathers, trouble passes from generation to generation & it was up to me to break the pattern of generational sin/trauma in my family. Children don't learn what we teach, but what they LIVE. If they live with love & acceptance, they become loving & accepting but if they live with abuse & neglect, they learn to hate themselves. We are all products of our environment & our responses to it. Too often we are the casualties of our parents’ unresolved trauma. There's a pattern of alcohol abuse, violence & divorce in both my parent's families. Even though, Jesus took upon Himself the sins of humanity in Gethsemany - past, present & future; our healing still requires confession, forgiveness & repentance. It 'runs in the family" until someone decides to put a stop to it. I had to draw the proverbial line in the sand, repent & ask for forgiveness on behalf of previous generations so future generations can be set free from the curse Whatever we don’t bring to effective death at the cross will carry over to our children & their children with increase... Like much of our walk with God, being freed from generational sin is a process.