There are moments in life when heaven breaks through so tangibly that your heart knows it will never be the same again. The Elijah House Loved, Chosen & Free seminar was one of those moments for me. Clive and I had gone that day to learn more about healing shame — but I didn’t expect to become the demonstration. When Sandra asked for a volunteer, my hand lifted before my mind could object. I heard myself whisper, “I’m a mistake.” The words tumbled out from a place deeper than thought — from the ache of being born after an illegitimate and an aborted brother, from the unspoken grief of being an “oh no” instead of an “oh yes.” 📖 “You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” — Psalm 139:13–14 (NKJV) As I stood before that room, the Holy Spirit peeled back the layers of my life like tender silk — revealing how the lie “I’m a mistake” had quietly shaped everything: the striving, the people-pleasing, the anxiety, the depression. The ache of not being wanted had written itself into my story, colouring my relationships, my faith, even how I saw God. Then came Sandra’s prayer — words that felt like the Father Himself whispering into the womb of my being: “Father, remove the echo of the oh no! Draw it to the Cross and release Your oh yes deep into her core.” As she prayed, something holy shifted. The air felt weighty with love. Tears streamed, but they weren’t of sorrow anymore — they were baptismal, washing away the residue of rejection. The oh no was gone. In its place bloomed God’s eternal yes. Later, during the lunch break, a woman approached me with radiant eyes. She told me she had looked up the meanings of my names — Patrizia, meaning “of noble descent,” and Trixi, meaning “bringer of joy.” I could hardly speak. For years, I had run from both names — from Patrizia, because it reminded me of pain, and from Trixi, because I thought joy had disqualified me from being taken seriously. Yet here was God, weaving both together, showing me who I truly was: His beloved daughter, noble and joyful, chosen and free. That day, He whispered: “You are chosen You are loved You are not a mistake. You are My intentional design. I delight in you.” 📖 “He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love.” — Ephesians 1:4 (NKJV) The healing began with renouncing lies, forgiving, and releasing the old patterns of self-protection — but it has continued ever since, like a quiet stream winding through the landscape of my heart. Every time I doubt my worth, I return to that moment — the echo of His voice still alive within me: “Oh yes, you are Mine.” Healing Reflection: What Was Revealed and Released Foundational Lies • I am a mistake. • I shouldn’t be here. • I am unwanted and unworthy of love. • Everything I do is wrong. • People can’t be trusted. Sinful Responses • Agreeing with the enemy’s lies about my worth. • Striving for perfection and approval to earn acceptance. • Self-rejection and self-hatred. • Emotional withdrawal and self-protection through isolation. • Taking responsibility for everything — even what wasn’t mine to carry. Bitter Root Judgements • Judging my parents for neglect, rejection, and lack of affection. • Judging authority figures (teachers, leaders) as harsh and untrustworthy. • Judging myself as broken beyond repair. Inner Vows • “I will never trust anyone again.” • “I will not need anyone.” • “I will shut down before I get hurt.” • “I must be perfect to be accepted.” • “I will do everything myself.” Expectancies / Bitter-Root Expectations • Expecting rejection and disappointment in relationships. • Expecting that love will always hurt. • Expecting that my needs will not be met. • Expecting to be misunderstood and overlooked. Double-Binds • “If I open my heart, I’ll be hurt; if I close it, I’ll be alone.” • “If I succeed, I’ll be punished; if I fail, I’ll prove I’m a mistake.” Vows Renounced and Truths Embraced • I renounce the lie that I am a mistake and embrace God’s yes — that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. • I renounce the vow of self-protection and receive the covering of God’s love. • I renounce perfectionism and rest in grace. • I renounce isolation and open my heart to safe, Spirit-led connection. • I renounce self-reliance and choose to trust my Heavenly Father. Truth Received • I am loved, wanted, and chosen. • God delights in me. • I am safe in His presence. • My name carries His blessing — noble and bringer of joy. • I am free to love, create, and live without fear. 📖 “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” — John 8:32 (NKJV) 💡Reflection: • What “oh no” has echoed in your life — a phrase, a belief, or a memory that still shapes how you see yourself? • Invite the Holy Spirit to reveal His oh yes over that place today. What truth does He want to plant in your heart instead? 🙌Prayer: Father, thank You that I am not an accident. You saw me, loved me, and chose me before the foundations of the earth. I bring to You every echo of “oh no” that still lingers in my heart. Redeem it with Your oh yes — Your welcome, Your delight, Your truth. Heal every place of rejection and restore the joy of being fully known and fully loved. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

This weekend, Clive and I attended the Loved, Chosen & Free seminar—a one-day event focused on healing from shame. The first session confronted us with a powerful worksheet outlining 36 shame strongholds. We were asked to reflect on each and tick “Never,” “Seldom,” or “Painfully So.” With a heavy heart, I shamefully realised that almost every box I ticked fell under “Painfully So.”

I've only been painting for 6 months mostly watercolour & was told to paint myself as a tree at my counselling session earlier this week, so here goes my first attempt... I must admit I didn't enjoy doing acrylics on canvas as much because the paint just dries so fast it was hard to get everything covered on time. Good solid tree right there! Not easily blown about by whichever wind is blowing. Full of lush growth and strong supporting branches. Practice makes progress... When I had prayer ministry with Sandra, the discussion around this tree came up. She said: A plant will only grow as big as the container you put it in. What was received from mom was so little that heart roots weren't able to grow deeply on a soul level. Spirit was able to get past the barriers but the soul is struggling. When a plant is root bound the water doesn't get through for nourishment properly. The narrowing in the stem indicates the constriction of the soul as a child. Lacking soul development. Jesus designed the branch & the trinity. Roots are good & strong. Tree is healthy. Lack of fruit. Not doing what I was called to thus not bearing fruit. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, Which spreads out its roots by the river, And will not fear when heat comes; But its leaf will be green, And will not be anxious in the year of drought, Nor will cease from yielding fruit. Jeremiah 17:8 There is a season between the      flowers & the fruit. Pre-fruit season. Good fruit Seeking prayer ministry Being able to repent Being close to God Performance if we're not      doing we don't have tangible results. Jesus didn't have much      visible fruit in the first 33 years but when the time was right it all      came. when the time is ripe the      fruit will show

2020 has been a year that keeps on giving... So many traumas and triggers have been exposed and addressed this year. In fact, trigger season hit me with a bang when Opa passed last month, leaving me with a rollercoaster of emotions over the past few weeks. After 23 months of walking in victory over depression, I can honestly say that the spirit of heaviness still attacks frequently. However, when I'm weak, God's strength is revealed in me. Every day, I have to make the choice to let go of the thoughts that try to pull me back into the pit. He who is in me is greater than he who sends the fiery darts meant to destroy me. God never promised that we wouldn't face trials or that no weapons would be formed against us, but He did promise that those weapons wouldn’t prosper and that He would be with us in the storms. He enables us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. It's hard work and a continuous process. I choose LIFE every day because Jesus gave His life to set me free from sin, guilt, shame, and bondage.

Stepping into Creativity, One Scared but Obedient Step at a Time I’ve only been back in the creative space for about three years now, and I started painting in September last year. So yes, in many ways, I still feel like a beginner. And to be honest? The whole business side of things — the practical steps needed to sustain this calling and ultimately fund the ministry God has placed on my heart — it still terrifies me. Public speaking terrifies me because I don’t always have the right words. Like Moses, I often stumble and lose my train of thought when trying to speak. I feel unqualified. I wonder why God would entrust such a big vision to someone like me. Surely, there are others more equipped, more eloquent, more… everything. But this is the vision He's planted in my heart — a Vibrant Creative Community Centre. A kind of soup kitchen for the soul. A place where people can rediscover their God-given creative identity. Where we don’t ask people to behave before they belong. Where they are simply loved back to life and into the Kingdom. A space of healing, freedom, and authentic expression. Creativity Isn’t Just for Artists Somehow, we’ve bought into the lie that creativity only belongs to the gifted few — those who can paint or play music or dance on a stage. But creativity is so much more. It’s in the sewing, the pottery, the woodturning, the crochet, the baking, the gardening… the everyday acts of making and mending and beautifying. We were all born with this gift. Every child sings without shame, dances without instruction and draws with fearless joy. Until, somewhere along the way, someone tells us we’re not good enough. That our art isn’t “right” or “beautiful” or “worthwhile.” And we shrink. We stop trying. We let fear and shame write the rest of the story. But our God is the Ultimate Creator. He made us in His image. That means His creative DNA runs through every single one of us (Genesis 1:27). The first person in Scripture ever filled with the Holy Spirit wasn’t a preacher or prophet — it was Bezalel, a craftsman, an artist, called to build God’s dwelling place (Exodus 31:1-5). Creativity has always been sacred. Creativity is More than Just Singing, Dancing, Drawing & Painting In the future we envision adding: Bible; Journaling; Music; Singing/Worship; Dancing; Drama; Writing; Drawing; Painting in various mediums e.g. watercolour, acrylics, pastels etc.; Sewing; Knitting; Crocheting; Embroidery; Cross stitch embroidery; Cooking; Baking; Vegetable gardening; IT & software; Photography; Carpentry; Pottery; Soap making; Jewellery making; Calligraphy & hand-lettering; Upcycling; Art therapy; Crafts; & many, many more activities. From Pain to Purpose For most of my life, I struggled under the weight of anxiety and depression. I’ve known despair so deep I couldn’t see a way out. But in His mercy, God has been using creativity to restore me—slowly, gently, one brushstroke at a time. For almost two years now, I’ve been walking in victory over depression. It’s not that heaviness never comes—it does—but I’ve learned to meet it with worship, with Scripture, with Bible journaling, with creative communion with the Holy Spirit. A Place to Belong and Breathe What I long to create is a sanctuary. A place where people can exhale. A space where they can sit with paint or clay or fabric in hand, and rediscover that they are not broken beyond repair. That they are creative. That they do carry beauty. That they can be whole again. Right now, I don’t know all the details—where, how, when. But I’m taking it one small, obedient step at a time. And I’m trusting that God will bring the right people alongside me to build this vision together. People who carry the same heart to see the broken restored and the weary reawakened. People who know what it’s like to feel lost, but also what it means to be found. Because I believe this with all my heart: healing happens in community. And sometimes, a paintbrush, a pencil, or a skein of yarn can be just as holy as a pulpit. So if you’re wondering if there’s room for you in this vision — if there’s a seat at the table — I want you to know… there absolutely is. Let’s build this together. Not perfectly. Not fearlessly. But faithfully. 🎨 Let’s Connect: If any of this resonates with you, I’d love to hear from you. Whether you’re longing to rediscover your creativity, join a workshop, or support the vision of a Creative Community Centre, your story matters here. 📩 Email: trixi.schwartz@gmail.com 🌿 Website: www.trixiscreations.com 🖼️ Browse my artwork: Trixi’s Portfolio

I discovered some truths about me according to Isaiah 61 & 62 this morning. I will: Rebuild ancient ruins. Restore former desolations. Renew ruined cities. Be known as the Lord’s priests & ministers of our God. Receive DOUBLE portion in place of shame. REJOICE in place of disgrace. Have eternal Joy. Be clothed with garments of salvation. Be wrapped in the robes of righteousness. Nations will see your righteousness & kings your glory. God will give you a NEW NAME. You will be a GLORIOUS CROWN & a ROYAL DIADEM in the Hand of God. No longer called desolate & deserted. The lord DELIGHTS in you & REJOICES over you. You will be called SOUGHT OUT 7 not forsaken.

Recently a word of knowledge, although intended as an encouragement, unleashed all power of darkness in a battle for my mind.  All hell broke loose in my spirit followed by nightmares, angst & an intense spirit of heaviness on my chest. I felt really intimidated for days until I finally reached out for support. Thankfully, God has surrounded me with community who has my back & prays with me when I don't know how to pray for myself. Peeling off the layers is a slow & sometimes painful process & yes it does provoke the enemy to attack in an attempt to prevent you from getting your breakthrough. Just keep at it & don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Yes, I'm talking to MYSELF too, asking for help has been of my biggest challenges. Some of my most recently renounced inner vows were "I will not ask for help; I have to take care of myself; I have to protect myself" because of my bitter root expectation that nobody cares anyway. We are stronger together, hence his constant efforts to keep us disconnected. UNITED we STAND, but divided we will fall. 10Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. 11Put on the whole armour of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13Therefore take up the whole armour of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Jesus never promised us that we would not have trouble, in fact, He said that in this world we WILL HAVE TROUBLE but take heart, He has OVERCOME the world.  (John 16:33) Putting on the armour of God is something all of us should be doing every morning because we do not wrestle against flesh & blood. Be sober & vigilant because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. As soon as we step out into our purpose we become a threat to his evil schemes & he will stop at nothing to take us out.  Putting it down on paper has not been easy. I tried a couple of times unsuccessfully until I re-discovered a painting program on my tablet the other day. Painted the background digitally. The texts were created in WordCloud & I used Affinity Publisher to combine it all.  My breakthrough

During lockdown last year I had to deal with my lack of courage to step out & speak up as well faulty belief that my voice has no value. 2 unrelated people assisted  Interestingly the 1st person had me draw a lion to symbolise being bold. Sadly my first attempt at drawing Simba turned out to be Scar so I was determined to try gin later. Then I received the word that God was giving me my roar back during prayer ministry with Sandra. Proverbs 28:1 "The wicked flee though no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion."

From the moment of conception parents pour into the "treasure chest" of who we are: Love, gentleness, compassion Truth... Even before we can cognitively understand Important truths of who we are & also truths of who God is, are instilled by the nurture of caring parents.   Parents call us forth into life, & help us learn to walk in our destiny & purpose. If we choose to open our hearts & take it in: We are empowered to receive love Parents are building storage shelves / places to receive love, compliments etc. Our capacity to love others is enlarged  I was created to love & be loved We begin to fulfil the very purpose for which we were created... To receive love & give it away We need to receive the gift of honour from people. Whatever we missed as babies He can rebuild. Fathers help children discover up to 80% of their identity. Fathers call us forward & speak into us. During 1 of my 3 hour prayer ministry sessions with Sandra, I received this word of knowledge: Everyone has a shelf to receive love, affirmations, compliments etc. but your shelf is ful of holes  & no shelf at all. There is no shelf in you to receive affirmations, praise & compliments. Jesus is a carpenter & is able to take out he shelf & build you a new one. He will heal the wounds & the holes from the lack of love, validation & encouragement. Revelation 21:5 Behold I make all things new.

So many of my struggles have been over striving to become what I already am because Mama & Papa failed to represent Him well & draw me forward... These are some truths that were revealed during my prayem ministry with Sandra. GOD'S TRUTH: I have chosen you I love you You are worthy Your are valuable You are good enough I will do what I have promised. Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10 KJV An excellent woman [one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous], who is he who can find her? Her value is more precious than jewels and her worth is far above rubies or pearls. Proverbs 31:10 AMP A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Proverbs 31:10 NIV EXCELLENT in the Hebrew means: Might / mighty Strength / strong Power / powerful Ability / able Virtue / virtuous Valour / courageous Riches / wealthy God has made you a little girl / woman of substance & wealth. Instead of "this is who I am" vows become this is who I have to be/do In order to survive you had to go against who you were. That's who God created me to be but all these qualities got twisted through my sinful responses to neglect & wounding, although most of these have been straightened out.

When we're traumatised & wounded as little children, we start to believe the lies that we perceive from our experiences & surroundings. We learn what we LIVE & loose our identity in God to that which the world has forced upon us. During prayer ministry the Holy Spirit addressed some of the foundational lies that have weighed me down all of my life. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthians 5:17 Feisty Strong spirit Fighter Warrior Spirit of death wrapped around in the womb. Jesus makes everything new! "I see a little girl with an anvil above her head" A huge weight of LIES Trauma of verbal abuse. GOD'S TRUTH: I have chosen you I love you You are worthy Your are valuable You are good enough I will do what I have      promised. Daughter of the King "I see Jesus giving that little girl a crown. It's quite big crown. It's quite a weighty crown. It's real. It's gold but it's not too heavy for the little girl. It's not a burden for her to carry"

During my coaching with Vicky last week the first of my limiting beliefs: "What I say is not important enough for me to speak up" was exposed. My homework assignment was to create an affirmation statement to replace this belief with: "What I say has value". This week I'm learning to get used to hearing my own voice after all, faith comes by hearing.

As I prepared for tonight's connect group launch, I was reminded of this Scripture & God's purpose for my life. “The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me, Because the Lord has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the broken-hearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord , And the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the Lord , that He may be glorified.” And they shall rebuild the old ruins, They shall raise up the former desolations, And they shall repair the ruined cities, The desolations of many generations. Isaiah 61:1‭-‬4 NKJV As Christ followers, the same Spirit that raised Him from the dead is also on us. For decades I've felt called to take His healing to the nations but always felt so ill-equipped. And of course my disobedience due to fear brought its share of guilt & shame to add to what I was already feeling. Last week I signed up for the 3 days Navigating the Times and Season Healing Trauma Webinar this week to help me with the Cleansing Stream prayer ministry I'd signed up for earlier this year. Little did I know then that what I thought was meant for equipping, God would use to dig deep & start addressing some of the deepest traumas in my own life. I am comforted to know that God will use everything I've been through for good & my ministry lies in those areas where I have been so brutally broken & restored. Stepping out of the boat is a little nerve-wrecking but I've got this, or rather God's got me. After all He has already given me everything I need for life & Godliness & He will put His words in my mouth. The same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead lives in me to lead me & guide me in everything He has sent me to do.

Lockdown had triggered me back into my lifelong struggle with rejection & abandonment but God overwhelmingly started speaking to me about stepping out into my purpose. A message that really struck home during this time was that there were 12 disciples in the boat when Jesus said: "Come", not mentioning any one. Only 1 believed enough to step out... Matthew 14:29 So He said, "Come." And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. 30But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, "Lord, save me!"

Well today wasn't the most productive on the art front.  I attended a 3 hour ecology workshop & paid a surprise visit to a friend I hadn't seen in a while. Then stumbled on this copy of a photo that my eldest son (22) had as an assignment in school & felt the urge to create this because I'm so grateful that my Lord holds me safe & secure in the palm of His hand. And He has made My mouth like a sharp sword; In the shadow of His hand He has hidden Me, And made Me a polished shaft; In His quiver He has hidden Me.” Isaiah 49:2 NKJV

Mixed media. Started colouring this one in my creative connect group this morning & finished it at a local church art group this afternoon. Watercolour painting number 3 since facing my immense fear of painting head-on last week.

This month, 3 years ago I went cold turkey on my anti-depressants, because I ran out a week ahead of my scheduled appointment with my doctor. This is  something we’re told we should never do, but God helped me through the mild withdrawal symptoms & 4 months later, He miraculously lifted the spirit of heaviness that had plagued me all my life…

So, I'm not usually one to post much on social media, but I'm feeling especially heartbroken about the situation back home. I may not be in the country anymore, and some may even say I have no right to voice an opinion because I left, but i see all the heartbreak and the pain. It makes me so angry to see how bad this situation is that people find themselves in. I've been watching people's stories and posts, keeping up with the news. I see all the women who are considering leaving the country of their birth, their homes, for fear of what may happen to them and those they love. What happened to Uyinene Mrwetyana was terrible. What happens to women on a daily basis, that people have ignored and accepted for this long is a nightmare. I'm so proud of all the people who are taking a stand, who are bringing these issues to light. Those who are fighting, campaigning, and speaking out. I pray for the safety of my friends and family, and for all women living in this environment. Through all the pain, suffering, and negativity there is so much coming together. There is true beauty in the strength that people are showing. Fear is no longer enough to hold you back. Women should never be the target, and I'm glad to see so many men taking the responsibility to lead this charge amongst those who would fight to prevent themselves from becoming just another victim. I am proudly South African, and I hope that the people of my homeland can keep holding onto what makes them a beautiful people. Stay strong, and keep fighting. Make the country beautiful, and a place where all can feel safe and accepted as they are meant to be. I hold onto hope. #StrongerTogether ~Ascher 'AJPanda' Snyman I couldn't have expressed my thoughts better myself. Thanks for sharing Suzy.😘 Seeing all these incidents on my feed have been a major anxiety trigger for me & for the first time in 7 months the tightness on my chest was back. A very unwelcome  reminder of my own experiences as a teen followed by years of guilt, shame, anxieties & depression. Yesterday I wanted to go sit in a corner where it would be so easy to fall back into depression & cry my heart out but today I'm grateful that God loves us enough to forgive our wrong choices & is able to restore us. Thankfully 2 hours worth of choir practice has helped ease off the weight. Obviously God isn't finished with me yet & though this may be a setback, I will rise up stronger & bolder once He's done with me. I for one will no longer be silenced by guilt & shame but instead rise up & share my testimony of how God is able to pull us out of the pit, heal & restore us if only we'd humble ourselves & pray. My heart aches for the nations of this world, all products of a fallen society that have turned away from God, following their own lustful choices & leaving hurt & destruction wherever they go. My thoughts & prayers are with all affected by such hideous crimes.

I don't know where my immense fear of painting came from. That voice in my head just kept telling me I can't do it because I'm just not good enough. It became so loud over the years that I've never wanted to try for fear of failure. I joined an art group recently with a lovely Korean lady leading it at a local church & due to her encouragement I finally got myself some paint. This is my first ever watercolour painting since primary school on plain A4 paper (because I was afraid to do it in my Bible or journal) that I did at art group today. "See you can!" was her first response hence I added "I can!" at the bottom. I may just frame this for my studio as a future reminder that if ever I find myself doubting my abilities again.

Still on the subject of discovering my identity & God-given purpose... This is the Scripture I received at prayer meeting this morning. God knew me before I was even born. He sanctifies & ordains us. He sends us forth to expand His Kingdom & doesn't expect us to be qualified. because He equips us for the task. He gives us the right words to speak & shows us the way. Thank you, Lord that we don't have to depend on our own abilities & qualifications to do that which You have sent us to do.