Much of the hurts we experience in relating to ourselves and others stem from our poor understanding of a father. Adam failed to demonstrate Father God's love to his children & for generations we have done the same. All of the best that an earthly father could ever offer to his children originated in God. Everything changes when we instil God's love into our families because it's the missing ingredient for the success of a family. In order to function well in relationships we need to understand God's Father-heart. God's passionate love focuses on family. His nature & essence is love & He wants us to experience that love. The passion of Christ was to introduce us to the Father & connect us with His love. Everything we desire in terms of loving relationships is found in Him.

Sometimes in life things happen that make you wonder how anything good can come from situations you may find yourself in. Then we reflect & realise how God's protected us through it all & that His grace is sufficient for us to deal with every card we're dealt if we would just learn to trust Him through it all. Instead of focusing on the challenges we need to change our perspective & see the opportunities for God's miracle working power to be revealed. Getting hit by a truck backing out of a driveway wasn't part of my planning when I left the church prayer meeting this morning but praise God except for my car & ego, no one was injured. I'm thinking the enemy didn't want our Fatherheart of God book study at 10am to happen because it's digging deep & dealing with some more buried issues I'd thought I'd dealt with. This was the 2nd week in a row I wasn't able to go but the other ladies decided not to continue without me. Now this to me is a classic illustration of the blessing of both. Truck = 1 / Toyota = 0 characterised 😜

As a matter of fact many doctors today don't even consider you pregnant unless you've reached 12 weeks. And yes, it's holding in the pain & anguish that eventually leads to depression that can ultimately destroy you. All 4 of mine were within the first 12 weeks. Only the 1st others knew about & the lack of support I received & people's invalidation of my pain, guilt & shame (yes, you do feel guilty & ashamed) caused me not to mention the others until many, many years later, but it's been a burden so heavy to bear alone & was part of the reason I eventually found myself in a pit of depression so deep that I no longer wanted to live. Talking about it brings it out in the open & removes the enemy's power to use it in accusations against you. The truth sets us free to overcome. However there is hope in Christ. He reached down into the pit to lift me out & give me a new life & renewed hope & can do the same for you. Today I pray for everyone walking on this path for healing & restoration in this area. I feel your pain & it wasn't your fault. Bring it to Him & allow Him to turn it into a testimony of His goodness & mercy. Call on Him & He will answer.

And with these Identity Statements (created in Photoshop) my friend & I finished off our "Healing the Soul of a Woman" book study by Joyce Meyer Ministries. One of the biggest challenges in my life has been my lack of knowledge of my identity in Christ bringing with it a lack of self-confidence, feelings of inadequacy & fear of rejection. These statements are meant to help me transform my mind when I think of myself in any way other than what God's Word says about me. God has done some wondrous healing in our lives through this study. I must admit having an accountability partner was good because at times the questions were tough & would have been tempting to give up again if I did it alone like I did last year after chapter 1. Next term we start Father-heart of God by Floyd McClung.

Praise the Lord!!! I think I have finally overcome my audition anxiety. This one's taken a while after losing my voice when I was supposed to audition at the end of May & it was gone for about weeks. Obviously God wasn't finished with me yet & I needed to complete the Cleansing Stream to break the strongholds that have been on my life all these years. I will start out with events choir until they manage to get enough people for the Life North Campus. I might even consider joining the Life Central choir for their monthly practice. It will take some time, training & confidence building to eventually make it into the Sunday worship team. Did I mention that "King of My Heart" by Bethel Music was the most challenging song I've ever had to learn, not because of the difficulty but the enemy attacks? I have never in my life struggled so much memorising song lyrics & tune. This was also my first attempt at singing to a backing track. I tend to feel a little unsure when I'm singing all alone. This is me finally stepping into that vision the Lord gave me back in 1988 but life had taught me to believe I wasn't good enough. Now I've proved to myself that those were all lies to stop me from reaching my potential & walking in God's purpose for my life. Wish me luck as I take my first step trusting God who began the good work in me to complete it. Let the King of my heart Be the mountain where I run The fountain I drink from Oh, He is my song Let the King of my heart Be the shadow where I hide The ransom for my life Oh, He is my song 'Cause You are good You are good, oh oh You are good You are good, oh oh You are good You are good, oh oh You are good You are good, oh oh And let the King of my heart Be the wind inside my sails The anchor in the waves Oh oh, He is my song Let the King of my heart Be the fire inside my veins The echo of my days Oh oh, He is my song Let the King of my heart Be the wind inside my sails The anchor in the waves Oh oh, He is my song Let the King of my heart Be the fire inside my veins The echo of my days Oh, He is my song 'Cause You are good You are good, oh oh You are good You are good, oh oh You are good You are good, oh oh You are good You are good, oh oh You're never gonna let You're never gonna let me down And You're never gonna let You're never gonna let me down You're never gonna let You're never gonna let me down You're never gonna let You're never gonna let me down You're never gonna let You're never gonna let You're never gonna let me down You're never gonna let You're never gonna let me down You're never gonna let You're never gonna let me down Oh 'cause You are good You are good, oh oh 'Cause You are good You are good, oh oh 'Cause You are good You are good, oh oh You are good You are good, oh oh You're never gonna let You're never gonna let me down You're never gonna let You're never gonna let me down You're never gonna let You're never gonna let me down You're never gonna let You're never gonna let me down 'Cause You are good You are good, oh oh You are good You are good, oh oh

Last year around this time Pastor Steven Furtick's sermons started popping up in my Facebook feed after I hit rock bottom in my life long struggle with depression & anxiety. It some stage I was binge watching sermons because it felt like God was speaking right at me with every sermon. He reached down into my pit of depression & suicidal thoughts & lifted me out. Today I've been depression free for 5 months. I have just completed the Cleansing stream & had generational soul ties, orphaned spirit, victimhood, bondages & other curses broken. I'm free at last & for the first time in my life I know that I know that He was there all along in those moments I felt lost & abandoned. The last 49 years have been preparation. Now I'm am all fired up to take His healing to the nations, bind their broken hearts with love & set the captives free.

In August 2018 I did a search for Christian choirs & found one at Northcross Church that didn't require me to be a member of the church because I had absolutely no intention to go to church because of previous hurt that prevented me from going to church for 11 years. All I needed, or so I thought was corporate worship. During our first Sunday morning performance in church, God was speaking & I felt myself drawn to find a church to call home & be planted in. In November my osteopath suggested I try Life, & finally, in January 2019 I walked into the doors at the North Campus & was met with an overwhelming feeling of being "home". That morning I re-dedicated my life to God & He put me on a path of recovery. I still spent a lot of time listening to online sermons and during the prayer of one of Sarah Jakes Roberts' sermons I felt the weight of depression being lifted off my chest. Even though deliverance was instant, remaining free & walking in victory over depression has been a daily process of spending time with God to renew my mind according to His Word. I spend a lot of time Bible journaling to keep the enemies lies under control. I have believed these lies for so long that it takes a daily effort to choose which voice I will be listening to. Changing my inner narrative has been my daily challenge but I am grateful that when I am weak, He proves His strength through me. I still fight off the natural reflex of self-isolation & often have to boot myself out the door for creative team & church. But without those activities I feel lost & defenceless. The enemy’s attacks never stop, but now I know that when I’m at my weakest, God carries me. I had spent most of my life struggling on & off with high functioning depression & anxiety due to complex PTSD caused by all these traumas. All my life I identified with guilt, shame & worthlessness well hidden behind fake smiles, workaholism, busyness & servanthood. I was convinced I was unlovable, worthless, after all my own brother had ignored me for 30 years & my mom & sister only knew my number when they wanted something. My need for love & acceptance drove me to do anything I could to be accepted & appreciated. My inability to set healthy boundaries left me vulnerable to exploitation by those who knew me only for what they could get from me. I would give until it hurt & seldom received anything back, which of course confirmed the lies I had come to believe about myself. I had sacrificed myself & everything I was meant to be on the altar of my need for acceptance instead of receiving & accepting my validation from the One who had created me. There are still many areas in my life where I need God's intervention to change the fruit of my sinful responses, but I am becoming more aware every day that God doesn't love me for what I do but for who I am & that I'm not condemned when I mess up. His grace is sufficient & He doesn't expect me to change to be accepted but He loves me too much to leave me the way I am & is constantly showing me areas where healing & restoration is required. He is walking with me through this furnace to burn off everything that is not of Him. I now call Life North home. It brings me great joy to sing in the choir, serve on the welcome team, attend weekly prayer meetings, serve in our Henderson Community Kitchen & last but not least host a small Creative Connect Group at my home on Friday mornings.

And on this high note I'm closing another chapter of my life & bid farewell to all the wonderful ladies at Greater Auckland Chorus who have been my sisterhood for the last 3 years. I don't believe in coincidence but God in His divine wisdom has brought me here to heal, learn, grow & prepare for His purpose to be fulfilled in my life. I had given up on a lifelong dream due to feelings of worthlessness but they have helped me realise & prove to myself that I'm good enough after all. Thank you for supporting me through my worst & helping me restore my confidence. It's been an honour & absolute pleasure singing with you. You rock!!! 🎼I'll be home for Christmas, you can count on me🎶🎵

All to often we've been raised to think that we're not enough. Who hasn't heard the phrase "you can do better than that" from a parent or teacher in their lifetime? When last has someone acknowledged & celebrated you for who you are & accepted you just as you are? From the day we're born society & mainstream media bombard us with messages of our imperfections, comparing us with others that are thinner, prettier, better than you. This sets unattainable goals to strive for which ultimately breaks down our confidence & sets us up for failure resulting in mental health issues drives us into the pit of despair because we spend our lives trying to be what we perceive people expect us to be in order to avoid rejection rather than just being our unique selves that God has created us to be. Performance is in itself hard work & keeping it up is draining even more so in our world of mounting pressures, but true freedom comes from being accepted & loved in spite of our all flaws. God loved us while we were still sinners. We are enough.

What a bittersweet end to my day today. I had my last chorus rehearsal with these awesome ladies from Greater Auckland Chorus. I joined 3 years ago as a distraction to my lifelong struggle with depression & anxiety. The weekly 3 hours singing sessions have been my lifeline through some of the toughest years of my life. The sisterhood & support was invaluable & will be sorely missed. Last year I hit rock bottom of despair & hopelessness. My world fell apart but 3 months ago God delivered me from the pit of depression and the next couple of Tuesdays will be filled with a Healing Course at church. I'm walking through a process of healing & restoration. It's great to be free, have my joy restored, sleep well at night & wake up with a song on my heart every morning. It's finally time to move on. Next month I'll join the LifeNZ North Campus Creative team where I trust I'll find my fit (worship lead / dance / drama / choir / whatever else is available) in pursuing God's purpose for my life. At Chorus the vocal training was phenomenal & I learnt I was good enough after all. I now have a new found confidence in my own abilities so bring on that audition I know I CAN do it! It's time to dust off my dreams, unite my joy for singing with my passion for worship & kick some enemy butt. I'm blessed to be a blessing & can't wait to see what God will do through me. 🎼Take My healing to the nations, bind their broken hearts with love🎶🎵 Thanks so much for everything Jocosa & team, you rock.😘

A pure heart is like pure gold—soft, tender, and pliable. Hebrews 3:13 states that hearts are hardened through the deceitfulness of sin! If we do not deal with an offense, it will produce more fruit of sin, such as bitterness, anger, and resentment. This added substance hardens our hearts just as alloys harden gold. I will not be held prisoner by the enemy through my own unwillingness to rid my heart of anger and unforgiveness and by spewing out bitter waters rather than pure. Holy Spirit, keep me from hurt, deceit, and distortion because of darkened understanding and wrong conclusions about the intent of others to wrong me. Reveal my heart’s true condition, and do not allow hidden offense to clothe me with pride.

3 years ago I joined chorus, suffering with severe depression & anxiety and I was nearing my breaking point. Singing has always been the 1 thing in my life that I was passionate about, but the first that was attacked in order to ultimately destroy my Even though I'm so grateful for Chorus that's helped me grow my confidence during the last 3 years so I can finally step out to reach for my lifelong dream. I started singing in the Northcross Church Choir on Mondays in August 2018 & have joined the Life NZ Creative Team which includes worship lead, choir, dance, drama, graphic design & more. I will also be getting involved in life groups & community activities. Having recently ben delivered from a lifetime of struggling with anxiety & depression, I'm excited to be able to finally become part of a church where people are our priority. As God's hands & feet we can bring delivery & healing to the nations.

As I'm standing at the edge of yet another new chapter in my life, I'm so grateful that the grace of God is greater than all of my messes. I've spent most of my life in bondage to the invisible prison of my mind, believing all the lies of guilt, shame & worthlessness that people, experiences & society have taught me throughout my life. I have since learnt that I cannot change how people treat me, but I can choose to allow God to help me not to take offence but instead see the pain that causes them to do so, because hurting people hurt people. No matter how well we hide it, the brokenness inside has a way of spilling out onto others in anger & frustration, causing us to lash out & hurt others. Last year I hit rock bottom but God has graciously reached down to lift me from the pit of depression & brought me into His marvellous light. After all these years, I'm finally coming out of the wilderness & gearing up to move into His purpose for my life. One that up to now I've felt so overwhelmingly inadequate & unworthy of but now trust that God's power will be revealed through my weaknesses. I'm thankful that God uses broken people & pray that He will use this broken vessel to bring the love & healing I've received to those connected to me. So often we think He has left us. He is always there, and much like an umbrella we'll get wet if we step out from under it's covering. God is BIGGER than all our messes & nothing is beyond His healing power if only we would reach out to Him. Someone else's miracle may be on the other side of my obedience to God's calling.

All our relationships are built upon the very foundational relationship we have with our father. A broken relationship with your father results in relationship issues. If the foundation of your house is broken it will affect everything you try to build on it. We live in a fallen world where generations of emotionally wounded adults have raised emotionally wounded children. Everyone has daddy issues because our fathers are human, imperfect & flawed. But God can set us free with a Father Fix. Emotional healing, restoration & recovery is available to all who will allow Him to do it for them. WoW! I'm slowly beginning to understand my own reactions & why the enemy's attacks have been so fierce on my life. Feelings of rejection, abandonment, guilt, shame, worthlessness, never being good enough, anxiety, depression, anger, bitterness, resentment, insecurities fears, even those that have been buried so deep & not visible, that have haunted me since childhood, are being exposed as to where they're coming from & how they formed my reactions & behaviours through the years. I have spent decades searching for God's purpose & calling for my life & wondering why He's not using me yet. I've even questioned His presence in my life. I thought He'd left me. Today I realise that the vision God gave me 30+ years ago cannot come to fruition until I have dealt with all the baggage of my past experiences. I need to find my strength & identity in Christ, break away from what I've been taught to believe about myself all these years and be transformed to become more Christ-like in my thoughts & actions so I can stand strong on the Word & not waiver when the storms hit. I need to study to show myself approved unto God, a workman that need not be ashamed. 2 Timothy 2:15 I thank God that He has redeemed my life from the pit & crowned me with loving kindness and tender mercy. Psalm 103:4 He reached down into my deepest darkest hours & has delivered free from the depression that has plagued me for most of my life but I also realise now that in order to remain free for good, I have to work at exposing & dealing with all the baggage that has caused it in the first place lest the pit drags me back in because of buried issues. After all, God didn't promise me a trouble-free life. In fact John 16:33 says in this world we WILL have tribulation but we can be of good cheer because Christ has overcome the world. But God can set us free with a Father Fix. Emotional healing, restoration & recovery is available to all who will allow Him to do it for them. Even when your father & mother forsake you, He will adopt you. Psalm 27:10. I must let God release/heal/deliver/bring a new level of intentionality & strength to my relationships. I must allow my mind, will & emotions to be healed where it comes to the relationship soul. If I'm broken I contaminate the big dream thing God may bring. If I'm hurting I'll destroy it. If I'm messed up, I will end up forfeiting the great thing God has for me. The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the broken hearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, Luke 4:18 KJV God has assigned us to the mountain so that we can show others that it can be moved. We will overcome by the blood of the lamb & the word of our testimony. Revelation 12:11 We need to learn to wear the full armour of God daily. Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints; Ephesians 6:10‭-‬18 KJV

Assignment from Chapter 2 of Healing the Soul of a Woman: Draw and image to symbolize how God's Word is medicine to your soul. Look at the image often and remember to take your medicine.

I’ve hated this woman. I’ve not loved her at full capacity. I’ve fed her lies & told her she wasn’t good enough and have allowed others to tell her she wasn't good enough. I’ve allowed her to be broken. I've allowed others to treat her disrespectfully. I’ve allowed her to run through brick walls & battle for others who won’t even stand for her. I couldn’t stop individuals from abandoning her, yet I’ve seen her get up and stand to be a light to the world & love others despite all. I have stood paralyzed by fear while she fought battles in her mind, heart and soul. This woman has screwed up many times as daughter, sister, mum, or as a friend, because she doesn’t always say or do the "right things". She has a smart mouth, and she has secrets. She has scars... because she has a history. Some people love this woman, some like her, and some people don't care for her at all. She has done good in her life. She has done bad in her life. She goes days without makeup, or shaving her legs sometimes. She doesn’t get dressed up half the time. She is random and sometimes silly. She will not pretend to be someone she is not. She is who she is. Every mistake, failure, trial, disappointment, success, joy, and achievement has made her the woman she is today. You can love her or not. But if she loves you, she will do it with her whole heart, and she will make no apologies for the way she is. 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 This Woman is a WARRIOR. She’s not perfect but God calls her WORTHY! She’s UNSTOPPABLE. Gracefully broken but beautifully standing. She is loved. She is life. She is transformation. She is Grace. She is BRAVE! ❤❤❤❤❤❤

Loof die Heer met blye galme O my siel daar's ryke stof. Sal solank ek leef my psalmvrolik toewei aan Sy lof en Hom wat Sy guns my bied, altyd groot maak in my lied. Bless the Lord, oh my soul & all that is within me less His holy Name. 2017&8 tried to take me out but God has redeemed my soul from the pit of anxiety & depression. I live to see another birthday & new opportunities to fulfill God's purpose for my pain. This is my year of reset, upgrade & transformation. For 48 years I've been stuck in my own pain & insecurities but 2019 will be my year of breakthrough & spiritual growth. I'm backed by a God who loved me so much that He gave His Son to die on the cross that I may live. Thank you Jesus for restoring the joy of my salvation & letting me wake up with a song on my heart again.

2018 felt like a year of breaking and reshaping — a time when everything I thought was secure began to crack open. As I look back over these pages, I see not just the pain of what was lost, but the tender beginnings of what God was quietly restoring. I started the year angry, confused, and weary from the weight of betrayal and injustice. My words in “When Irresponsibility Wounds Innocence” and “Picking Up the Pieces” poured straight from the ache — the kind that burns through every layer of composure until all that’s left is truth. It wasn’t pretty, but it was honest. Somewhere between the grief and the outrage, I began to see how God meets us right there — in the mess, not after it’s cleaned up. Through the pain, I began to recognise patterns — the Dominoes of Responsibility, the Domino Effect of Denial. I realised that healing starts not when others change, but when I own my part, however small, and let the Holy Spirit soften what’s become hard in me. Then came the miracle I never expected — The Gift of Reconciliation. After thirty years of prayer, the message I had longed for arrived, reopening a door I had assumed was sealed forever. It reminded me that God’s timing isn’t delayed; it’s deliberate. He had been preparing both hearts for that moment. In The Woman at the Well, I saw myself — the one who had spent a lifetime trying to be what others wanted, too afraid to show the real, broken me. Yet there He was, Jesus, waiting at my own well, offering living water to the parts of me that had run dry. Loneliness lingered in The Ache of Distance, and the longing to reconnect with myself deepened in Journal Reflection 2018. But through it all, God was gently stirring the embers of hope. My prayer in Sparks into Flame captured it perfectly: a simple cry for my tiny sparks to grow into fire again. 📖 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” — Psalm 147:3 (NKJV) Looking back now, I see 2018 as the year the Potter’s hands took hold of the shattered clay of my life. The breaking was not the end — it was the beginning of becoming whole. Each crack He filled with gold, turning what felt like ruins into something precious, radiant, and redemptive. What I thought was the end of my story was really the start of Healing 💔heARTs💖 — a calling born out of my own restoration. The beauty that rose from those ashes became the foundation for every painting, every journal, every gathering since. It was the year I stopped hiding my cracks and started seeing them as places where His light shines through. 🤲🏻 My Prayer Lord, thank You for being the Potter who never gives up on His clay. Thank You for holding me steady when I felt undone, for binding my wounds with Your grace, and for turning my pain into purpose. May every golden seam tell the story of Your faithfulness. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

God is good all the time. Today I identified myself with the woman at the well. Having lived with rejection & abandonment all my life, I have learnt to shut people out. Childhood emotional neglect as well as other traumas during my life have resulted in my lifelong struggle with anxiety & depression. This of course brought on feelings of shame, guilt & inadequacy which cause me to withdraw into myself & thus worsening the feelings of rejection & abandonment because people don't see the real broken me & I in turn think they don't care. I still struggle to grasp the Lord's "father" heart & love for me because I didn't have a loving earthly father. I shy away from relationships because I've spent a lifetime doing for others & being who I thought the wanted me to be so they wouldn't leave (which they did anyway) rather than being who God created me to be. Feelings I battle with daily include, inadequacy, insecurity, abandonment, guilt, shame, anxiety, lack of confidence & trust issues. Even worse, I have also shut God out. He has just recently redeemed my life from the pit & I am still struggling to work through all the emotional traumas of my life. Even though I can praise & worship Him now & I listen to sermons on my morning walks, I still struggle with building a relationship because I find myself at a loss of words when needing to express what's in my heart. I know He knows my heart, but sometimes it feels that I don't even know my own. There's an emptiness deep down in our gut that only God can fill through a healthy, thriving relationship with Christ himself.

Here we stand — on the edge of something new, something unknown. It feels like only yesterday I held a tiny bundle of warmth and wonder in my arms, and now... 21 years have passed. That bundle of joy, all grown up now, standing tall, finding his wings and preparing to fly. I had dreamed about this day for years — imagined a celebration so full of light and laughter it would echo in his heart forever. A grand send-off into adulthood. I wanted everything to be perfect for him. And yet, when the day arrived, I was overwhelmed by something I hadn’t expected: sorrow. A deep ache that whispered, "You’ve missed too much."