Last month, I invested in an online course to help uproot my self-limiting beliefs. (Apparently, the Lord isn’t done nudging me to invest in myself yet...)

This morning, I woke at 2:45 to attend the first of six live events, running from 3 to 7 am every Monday for the next six weeks. Believe me, the temptation to roll over and go back to sleep was immense. But having told Clive about it last night, I felt compelled to honour my word. Oh boy—what was I thinking?

In a quiet, reflective moment, I connected the dots between my lack of self-trust and the deeply ingrained belief that “I can’t be trusted.” I realised, with painful clarity, how many times I’ve let myself down over the years by not following through on commitments I’ve made to myself. I’ve always honoured my word and promises to others, yet when it comes to me, I’ve always failed miserably.

A little later, after feeding my friend’s cat, I spontaneously found myself heading down to the beach, completely overwhelmed.

There I stood, momentarily consumed by regret, chastising myself for decades of self-sabotage and procrastination that's caused dreams and aspirations to be crushed. The weight of what being stuck in fear has cost me—and by extension, those within my sphere of influence—was crushing.

But then, I could almost hear Elias's voice in my head saying, “Stop it! or I’ll bury you in a box 📦.” (It’s been a while since that familiar threat reared its head—clearly, I haven’t bullied myself much at the office lately.)

Yet, in the midst of it all, something shifted. After many tears, heartfelt prayer, and repentance right there in the water, I felt a glimmer of lightness and hope.

Psalms 38:1-9 TPT

[1] O Lord, don’t punish me angrily for what I’ve done. Don’t let my sin inflame your wrath against me. [2] For the arrows of your conviction have pierced me deeply. Your blows have struck my soul and crushed me. [3] Now my body is sick. My health is totally broken because of your anger, and it’s all due to my sins! [4] I’m overwhelmed, swamped, and submerged beneath the heavy burden of my guilt. It clings to me and won’t let me go. [5] My rotting wounds are a witness against me. They are severe and getting worse, reminding me of my failure and folly. [6] I am completely broken because of what I’ve done. Gloom is all around me. My sins have bent me over to the ground. [7-8] My inner being is shriveled up; my self-confidence crushed. Sick with fever, I’m left exhausted. Now I’m as cold as a corpse, and nothing is left inside me but great groaning filled with anguish. [9] Lord, you know all my desires and deepest longings. My tears are liquid words, and you can read them all.

I’m ready to keep going and catch up on the personal growth I’ve let slip through my fingers. How thankful I am that the Lord can redeem the time, turn my mess into a message, and transform this mountain into yet another story that brings Him glory.

How grateful I am for His comforting presence and that the Lord can redeem the time, turn my mess into a message, and transform this mountain into another story of His glory.

I'm also grateful for Ester, who, during our call later, promptly reminded me how far I've come to pick myself up in a matter of minutes, which used to take days or weeks before.

I must admit, I find it interesting 🤔 something so significant always pops up within 3 weeks of scheduled serving at an Elijah House school.