The last time I found myself in an X-ray facility was in August 2010, after having had my prosthetic disc replacement in June of that year & then having slipped; this set of X-rays would indicate the need for a fusion in my neck a few days later.

I was reminded how I was close to tears in June whilst I was waiting for my x-rays so I could return to the neurosurgeon’s office. Little did I know then that I would be sent home later to go pack for surgery the next day. It took me years before I started feeling remotely normal after the four rapid succession operations I had in the space of 14 months back then, and the last thing I wanted to experience was another operation. 

I was grateful that, this time, I didn’t need to wait for the x-rays and report as I did back then so I could head off to the office. This turned out to be a welcome distraction from all the “What if…?” questions spinning through my mind.

This is not a space I ever wanted to return to...

Last Monday, during our monthly Elijah House North Shore gathering, I sought prayer for my back & hip, which have been causing debilitating pain for a couple of months. The other day, whilst at Gilmours to buy a cake for the shared office lunch, I had to ask Misha to walk down and drive me home because my back and hip were in such spasm that I had to fight back the tears as I could barely stand up straight. And this wasn’t the first time I’ve had this much pain...

Peter received a word from the Lord, saying, “I have your back!” He then asked if there were areas in my life where I hadn’t believed that He indeed had my back and instead had been trying to protect myself and have my own back. This resonated deeply with me as I recognised my lifelong struggle to fend for myself and to have my own back. Once again, I had to confess and repent for my sinful responses to past trauma.

In September, when Elias expressed his frustration with the mistakes and issues during the awards preparations by becoming cold and distant, the healed part of my heart recognised the “mover in distress” and extended forgiveness. However, this week, I realised that, in my woundedness, my hopes of finding a friend and mentor were shattered. The wounded part of my heart judged him as unsafe, unkind, cold, distant and unapproachable, much like all the other men in my life had been.

I may not necessarily be the only one who’s made all the mistakes that caused his frustration and anger, but I felt responsible. All too often, I’ve felt like the cat that got kicked, a feeling that has shadowed much of my life. There’s only so much anyone can endure, and I’ve long surpassed that limit, so I resorted back to my default response, which has been to suppress emotions, harden my heart, and withdraw.

Reading that he would recommend one more month on my contract in his CEO report in October, I perceived his affirmations and compliments as flattery and started feeling increasingly unsafe. It wouldn’t have hurt so much had he told me that before he left. I felt betrayed, and once again, I had the proverbial mat pulled out from under me; after all, good things don’t last, or so I thought. I came to expect that he wouldn’t have my back. Therefore, I had to protect myself, resulting in withdrawal and subsequent inner turmoil that affected my performance and motivation. I was making mistakes and started beating myself up, and the voices in my head resurfaced, shouting the likes of: “What’s wrong with you?”, “Why can’t you get it right?”, “You’re not good enough!”, “Shape up, or ship out!” and “You’re going to get yourself fired!”

I also realised that in feeling shut out and reaching for old ways of self-protection, I failed to recognise Elias’ needs and didn’t support him as I had committed to. When I withdrew, I failed to “have his back”…

And so the internal pressure mounted; the more I withdrew, the more mistakes I started to make, and the angrier he seemed, so the snowball increased until my body manifested this internal conflict through what the physiotherapist called “protective” spasms. Our bodies are sensitive to unresolved trauma and stress when we don’t seek help to address it.

It just goes to show how sensitive our bodies are to unresolved trauma and stress when we don’t ask for help to deal with it.