Maybe it’s because leadership has shifted its focus from people to production; we’re in such a hurry to get things done that we neglect the very people who accomplish the things we need done.

 - Marc Cole

This wasn’t part of my weekend plan, but fancy that... me reading a book on servanthood leadership, another one of my strengths that’s been twisted through wounding... who would have thought someone who spent her life shying away & lurking in the shadows serving & following, would even look at a book on leadership.🤔

Maybe it was just a little curiosity because I had just discovered my new boss was a writer...

Having experienced so many painfully bad examples of leadership and authority, I decided a very long time ago that if that’s what successful leadership looked like, I didn’t want it, so I spent my life shying away and lurking in the shadows, serving and following. I had no idea why I would even look at a book on leadership, so finding myself drawn to read it caught me off guard. I had no idea this book would become the catalyst for dismantling my biggest stronghold yet.

Through the foreword and the first chapter, I was drawn in by the story of the passengers. When the sample was finished, I was rather disappointed but grateful I could just purchase the rest of it in a matter of minutes.

In 3 decades of struggling to finish reading books, I haven’t completed a book in a day since last year’s “Slavery to Sonship”, but this one, too, has left me with many thoughts to ponder🤔

Where do I go from here, I wonder? 🤔

Wait, there’s more, I hear the Lord say, as He’s just last week brought healing to a significant job-related wounding from 28 years ago that had remained buried & unresolved.

From my Elijah House training: “Pain that’s buried alive stays alive and will morph and mutate until it finally comes out sideways. Those who suppress or don’t express emotions will eventually explode like a volcano.”

It’s clear that God is not finished with me yet.

“We only have one life here on earth. It isn’t a dress rehearsal. Use this time wisely. Another crisis will befall you. It’s not a case of ‘if’ but ‘when’. And when your world seems to come crashing down to an absolute halt, remember three things:

1) You’re not in trouble

2) We believe in you

3) We’re here to help.”

This struck a major chord because of all the childhood neglect. While I was reading it, it felt like the Lord was speaking, but I don’t have the shelves or capacity to receive it yet.

As a post-abortion baby with the spirit of death wrapped around me since conception, I was born believing I was a mistake, I shouldn’t be here, I have to prove myself worthy of love & I have to earn my keep. I waited 21 years for an “I love you” from Mom & have yet to hear it from Dad. Affirmations, blessings & any other conversations were non-existent. My own brother wouldn’t speak to me for 30 years because of the lies he had been told, so I came to believe if my family doesn’t love me or care, then nobody does & neither does God.

I found myself sitting in Elias’ office, talking about the unravelling his book has caused. “I believe in you”, he said, “but I don’t!” I heard myself say. “That’s OK”, he said. We’ll work together through your healing until God shows you that you’re worthy. I was undone. How could a man of God, who had only known me for a few short weeks, see so much in me that he would believe in me & what I was capable of?

Whenever my world came crashing down, I felt completely & utterly alone. That’s been my experience & I’ve been praying the Lord will replace my experience. He’s been graciously bringing along opportunities for new experiences in other areas & praying that if & when my world crumbles again, I will have a community to pick me up & help gather the pieces. Dare I hope for a light at the end of this tunnel that’s not a train coming right at me? This may be the backbone that’s been holding all my strongholds together.

It’s time to dig up and deal with all the LIES I’ve come to believe that are opposing these three profound statements my heart’s been yearning to hear all my life: time to allow myself to grieve the neglect, loss of childhood, innocence & the memory that never was, the rejections, abandonments & betrayals, the abuse, I hear Him say. Although I’ve dealt with many of the sinful responses, I’ve never allowed myself to grieve fully. I was hoping to be done after crying for days... but apparently not... I’m bracing myself for another group session at the moment.

It’s time to learn to trust and allow others to help rebuild and fill those shelves for all the areas where there’s been unfulfilled need. It’s time to allow others to do for me what I do so generously for them.

I may need to come back to reread this one.

So many of my struggles have been over striving to become what I already am because God has been misrepresented in my life & nobody drew me forward...

• a woman of Excellence but spent my life performing for perfection

• a woman of Worth but spent my life feeling I had to “earn my keep” to be valued

• a Peacemaker but spent my life in compliance to keep the peace

• a Pioneer but spent my life hiding & invisible

• an Overcomer but spent my life feeling like a victim

• a Warrior but spent my life worrying

• a Loyal Friend

• a Cheerleader

• a Faithful Servant

• a Mother, both physically & spiritually

& dare I say it?

• a Teacher but refused that because that would make fortune-teller’s predictions come true

• a Leader but spent my life following in compliance

I finally acknowledged these two I’ve been running from all my life.

but first & foremost

• a Daughter but spent my life feeling like a slave

That’s who God created me to be, but all these qualities got twisted through my sinful responses to neglect & wounding, although most of these have been straightened out. 

“Jesus, take the wheel!” as I work my way through another recognition worksheet, then my friend Ester & I may need to go both ways with our confession & repentance time on Wednesdays to lay the axe to all the roots that are coming up hard & fast right now.🤔

Maybe it’s time to dust off that big hairy vision from five years ago and check what else I have in my hands to get it off the ground.

Testing & pruning... Lord, chip away from me everything that doesn’t bring You glory.

Please wait for it. The testimony will follow as soon as I’ve processed all of this.

In the meantime, do yourself a favour and pick up a copy of this book. It’s an easy read, an encouraging testimony, and contains valuable leadership lessons during adverse situations. Click the image above for the Kindle version, or find a hard copy at a Christian Bookstore. You won’t be disappointed.

Read more about the process at It’s OK Not to Have it all Together, Leveraging God & the breakthrough at Overwhelmed with Joy!!! & The Lion & the Eagle