Today, I was reminded & am still chuckling about the great beetroot debacle that got me into hot water with Clive some 28 years ago... 😂🤣😅 I must have been around 10 weeks pregnant when I devoured an entire jar of beetroot and drank all the juice. Let’s just say my trip to the bathroom later turned into a real panic-fest. I thought I was bleeding, and given my history of ectopic pregnancy just a few months prior, Clive freaked out and called the gynaecologist. What did she eat today? "he asked, and I sheepishly replied," Beetroot... who knew a whole bottle of it would cause such chaos? Long story short, I was beetroot-banned during my next pregnancy. At least today, it was safe to eat all I wanted today since I'm a sports model, and there's no risk of loss.

When we feel self-conscious, we tend to become more focused on ourselves. This increased self-focus can lead to feeling more nervous, causing a spiral of anxiety.   When we find ourselves in the spotlight, we may freeze up, and our voices might shake. We often feel overwhelmed, as if the attention on us has transformed from a simple light into the intense heat of a thousand burning suns. We start to panic about what-ifs. What if I forget what I’m going to say? What if I stuff up? What if I don’t do a good job? What if I say something funny and people don’t laugh? What if I’m boring? What if I don’t apply the lessons that you taught me?' All these what ifs are like prison bars that prevenus from stepping into our purpose and destiny.   The solution is both simple and effective: redirect your focus from yourself to the audience.   I've been told I speak a lot and fast when I get nervous. Whenever I feel anxious, I must remind myself that at least one person in the audience truly needs to hear the message I will share in my video or speech. I keep in mind that if they receive my message or story, it could change their life. Focusing on that individual will help me regain my composure.   Now, here's a straightforward quote from Tim Han's masterclass that I must remember next time I spiral out of control: 'Listen, Patrizia. If you don’t stop making this about you, I will bitch slap you. It’s not about you right now. It’s about the people you are about to serve. Get out of your own head. It’s NOT about you.

In my quest for learning and personal growth, I’ve embarked on John Maxwell’s 30-Day Growth Plan course. He encourages us to be bold and, to ensure accountability, suggests sharing our thoughts on social media or texting them to a friend or mentor. A shared commitment becomes a firm commitment. Here are my reflections for Day 1: What keeps you from being authentic with others? 🤔 The risk of being rejected, ridiculed, or criticized. I recognize that my fear of rejection and criticism stems from the concern that others may not appreciate me for who I am. This fear is rooted in a history of abandonment and rejection, but I am actively working through these feelings. Despite past challenges, I am committed to embracing my true self and building resilience against any negativity that comes my way. I know I have the strength to overcome these fears and continue growing. It’s a vulnerable place to be, but I believe that embracing our true selves, despite these fears, is where real growth and connection happen. 🌱💖 What barriers to authenticity (beliefs, fears, experiences, etc.) do you struggle against? 🤔 I celebrate my journey of overcoming the fear of rejection, learning from experiences of abandonment, and finding strength in navigating criticism and betrayal. While these experiences remind me that revealing my true self might invite judgment or dismissal, I joyfully embrace the opportunity to share my authentic self with the world! There’s a beautiful balance between being seen and understanding that not everyone will understand. I’m discovering the joy in trusting my worth and fully engaging in life, relishing every moment regardless of the risks. A quick glance at the workbook questions reveals that I will need to dig deep to discover where I am, determine where I’m going, and plan how I’ll get there.

The last time I found myself in an X-ray facility was in August 2010, after having had my prosthetic disc replacement in June of that year & then having slipped; this set of X-rays would indicate the need for a fusion in my neck a few days later. I was reminded how I was close to tears in June whilst I was waiting for my x-rays so I could return to the neurosurgeon’s office. Little did I know then that I would be sent home later to go pack for surgery the next day. It took me years before I started feeling remotely normal after the four rapid succession operations I had in the space of 14 months back then, and the last thing I wanted to experience was another operation. I was grateful that, this time, I didn’t need to wait for the x-rays and report as I did back then so I could head off to the office. This turned out to be a welcome distraction from all the “What if…?” questions spinning through my mind. This is not a space I ever wanted to return to... Last Monday, during our monthly Elijah House North Shore gathering, I sought prayer for my back & hip, which have been causing debilitating pain for a couple of months. The other day, whilst at Gilmours to buy a cake for the shared office lunch, I had to ask Misha to walk down and drive me home because my back and hip were in such spasm that I had to fight back the tears as I could barely stand up straight. And this wasn't the first time I've had this much pain... Peter received a word from the Lord, saying, "I have your back!" He then asked if there were areas in my life where I hadn't believed that He indeed had my back and instead had been trying to protect myself and have my own back. This resonated deeply with me as I recognised my lifelong struggle to fend for myself and to have my own back. Once again, I had to confess and repent for my sinful responses to past trauma. In September, when Elias expressed his frustration with the mistakes and issues during the awards preparations by becoming cold and distant, the healed part of my heart recognised the "mover in distress" and extended forgiveness. However, this week, I realised that, in my woundedness, my hopes of finding a friend and mentor were shattered. The wounded part of my heart judged him as unsafe, unkind, cold, distant and unapproachable, much like all the other men in my life had been.  Reading that he was going to recommend one more month on my contract in his CEO report in October, I perceived his affirmations and compliments as flattery and started feeling increasingly unsafe. Once again, I had the proverbial mat pull out from under me; after all, good things don't last, or so I thought. I came to expect that he wouldn't have my back. Therefore, I had to protect myself, resulting in withdrawal and subsequent inner turmoil that affected my performance and motivation. I was making mistakes and started beating myself up, and the voices in my head resurfaced, shouting the likes of: "What's wrong with you?", "Why can't you get it right?", "You're not good enough!", "Shape up, or ship out!" and "You're going to get yourself fired!" I also realised that in feeling shut out and reaching for old ways of self-protection, I failed to recognise Elias' needs and didn't support him as I had committed to. When I withdrew, I failed to "have his back"…  My body has been manifesting this internal conflict through what the physiotherapist called "protective" spasms.

When we arrived in Waipawa on Sunday for our anniversary holiday, I discovered that Clive had removed my flag bag from the boot of the car, so I missed having them for early morning worship on Monday. We drove to Spotlight in Hastings in search of materials to create some flags for the week. I stumbled upon some beautiful, rainbow-coloured fabric covered in glitter, along with some dowel sticks. Although Clive didn’t seem convinced, he agreed that it was very much in line with my style. Later that afternoon, during my prayer ministry session with Sandra, I envisioned an explosion of colour reminiscent of my new makeshift flags. Part of my ministry focused on my tendency to exert total control over chaos, which has led me to struggle with fully enjoying life and allowing myself to have fun. How fitting it is that these flags symbolize my reclaiming of God's rainbow and the vibrant colours in my own life.

Flags represent a prophetic picture of wings, symbolising our protection. As Psalm 91 says, we will be hidden under Your wings, in the shadow of Your wings. The flags are a prophetic image of being covered by God's wings, feeling the breath and life of God. "Lord, let her experience this now. Let her feel the breath of what You want to manifest in the natural realm. Through the flags, through the waving of fabric in the air, cover her. Your banner over her is love. Send heavenly hosts to that banner." Sandra envisioned an army fighting, holding up a banner. Other units ran to it, recognising their banner and choosing to serve under it. Similarly, heavenly hosts are drawn to the banner to fight on our behalf. The Lord says I don’t have to hide anymore; He sends help from the sanctuary.

During my prayer ministry with Sandra this afternoon, she asked the Holy Spirit to show me what He was doing in those captive and slumbering areas in the kingdom of my heart❤️ 🔥 I saw Him building a fire, and then He threw all the rubbish of my life into it to burn it all. Over the last four years, I've learnt to embrace the fireball of pain that brings cleansing and healing to the kingdom of my heart.

This afternoon, during my prayer ministry with Sandra to address areas of spiritual captivity, I heard the song "Free to Dance Again." Decades ago, in my early years of Christianity, I was on the dance and drama team in the church in Cape Town. However, moving to Johannesburg meant that there was no more team, so dance was out of the picture for many years. About two years ago, the Lord started speaking to me about returning to my first love. I would see myself dancing during worship, but it would take a while and much healing before I could move my feet to do it. Sandra saw Jesus bringing me ice skates. He was holding the ice skates in His hands. They were white, laced up with a bow. He wants to restore my ability to dance. Ice skating is much riskier than regular dancing, and it also requires a partner. There’s a significant element of trust involved because you must rely heavily on your partner, especially during the lifts. It’s as if Jesus is inviting this little girl to trust her partner during the lifts and in the timing. They could accidentally harm each other if they’re off by just a couple of seconds. The lifts and jumps are so high, requiring perfect synchronization. This invitation carries a lot of meaning. Typically, the Lord engages in spiritual captivity, but He is very gentle and inviting with the little girl because she views men as unsafe and untrustworthy. Jesus, who embodies the divine, and the Father, both represent masculinity. Being the gentleman that He is, He would never intrude. What’s interesting about this vision is that I used to have white ice skates when I was young. I brought them from Germany after our first return in 1979, but I don’t remember who gave them to me. I loved ice skating, but I can’t do it anymore because it’s too risky to fall with the prosthetic in my spine. The last time I saw my ice skates was before my mom took us to boarding school after her divorce when we moved to Port Elizabeth. I have no idea what happened to them.

For the past three years, I've been hosting paint parties to help others re-discover their creative abilities. However, today, I spent some time being the student on the other side of the paint party scene. Although others loved it, I thought I may have created a monster.

For the past two years, serving on the sound desk, in the kitchen, and as an intercessor alongside the incredible Elijah House team during school holidays has been a true honour and highlight of my term. This week was another profoundly uplifting experience, filled with opportunities to witness the Holy Spirit's transformative inner healing work. From 9 AM to 5 PM daily, we gathered as a family, absorbing Sandra's enlightening lessons on how trauma impacts us and how to pursue freedom. Witnessing the team's dedication and students' breakthroughs was awe-inspiring. Together, we courageously explored deep wounds, facilitating life-changing healing and restoration in an atmosphere electrified by hope and transformation. Each session reinforced the power of vulnerability and the Holy Spirit's guidance. Seeing others breakthrough during small group ministry reinforced my own healing journey. Reflecting on this week fills me with gratitude for meaningful connections and transforming lives. I eagerly anticipate continuing this sacred work, knowing every moment with the Elijah House tribe fuels deeper understanding, healing, sanctification, and transformation. I'm looking forward to serving again at C-School in January, which promises to be another great family reunion. Together, we're changing the world 🌎 one 💔 heart at a time. Luke 4:18-19 NLT [18] “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free, [19] and that the time of the Lord’s favour has come. ”

I thrive on the stability of knowing my next steps, as change often brings uncertainty and chaos. This preference originates from the significant displacement trauma I experienced, having attended 13 schools and moved 34 times by the time I was 18, along with the turmoil of my parents’ divorce when I was 11. Recently, I learned that this aligns with 72.81% of my DOER Life Language. Despite this, I have embraced many challenges that come with uncharted waters, taking the initiative to figure out processes and document procedures. By doing this, I have created clear guidelines in the form of procedure manuals, blogs, and testimonies for others to follow, sparing them the uncertainty of not knowing how to get things done. My ability to navigate uncharted waters and document processes highlights not only my resilience but also my compassion and foresight. By providing clear guidelines for others, I offer a sense of security and direction for those who follow, making a significant impact on their lives.I’ve never considered it before, but I have been a pioneer in many areas of my life and career. I am indeed a pioneer—this represents 17.17% of my MOVER Life Language. I have transformed my experiences into strengths, embracing the role of a pioneer while ensuring stability and clarity for others. 🌟 https://www.trixiscreations.com/blog https://trixisfaithjournaling.blogspot.com/ http://trixisdigi-scraps.blogspot.com/ https://trixishomeed.blogspot.com http://mammamiakings.blogspot.com/ https://peacehavensa.blogspot.com/

Thank You, Lord, for my family, my friends, my "Battle Buddies" & my community. Thank You, Lord, for my family, my friends, my “Battle Buddies,” and my community. Father, I’m so grateful that You’ve called us to journey together. You didn’t design us to walk through life or healing alone. Some days, it’s really hard—but I thank You for the gift of family and the brothers and sisters who walk with us. They pick us up when we fall, cheer us on when we’re weary, strengthen us when we’re weak, and sometimes even carry us when we feel like we can’t take another step. Thank You, Lord, for the three kinds of friends You’ve placed in our lives: MENTORS: Godly men and women who have gone before us, showing us the way—just as Jesus did in John 13:1-20. They are spiritual fathers and mothers who pour into us. PEERS: Faithful companions who walk beside us, sharing wisdom and encouragement (Prov. 13:20). DISCIPLES: Those we invest in, the next generation we teach, guide, and serve with love (Titus 2:3-4). 🤍🌿🤍 Lord, I ask for unity among us, that we would stand as one—supporting, loving, and reflecting Your grace and truth in every step we take together. Thank You for our community and for the strength we draw from one another. I also thank You for the leaders and teachers You’ve placed in our lives, whose wisdom and guidance help us grow in faith and understanding. Father, as we walk this path together, fill us with courage and strength. But most of all, Lord, I ask that You release hope into every heart—that even though this journey has been hard, we know it’s all for a purpose. You promise to work everything together for good, and we trust You with the outcome. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Now, here's a first in about 3 decades. I think my brother will be happy to know that I have finally tried my hand at poetry again. The painting is an art class project that would have landed in the trash can had our teacher not managed to fix up the nose I had so severely messed up.

No, I'm not handling it well. God is carrying me through it...

Once again I'm reminded of Isabelle Skúlason's teaching on "Testing & Pruning" in March & oh boy, it has been intense this year.

This phrase from the Cherokee king has been spinning through my head all day since I read in the CEO report that a month's extension on my contract would be suggested. Once again, the reality hits home that good things don't last. Psalms 61:1-3 NLT [1] O God, listen to my cry! Hear my prayer! [2] From the ends of the earth, I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety, [3] for you are my safe refuge, a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me. Grief is the most honest reflection of love. You would not feel so deeply if you did not have the capacity to love just as deeply, which is something to embrace in this world. Remember—you will love, and because of that, you will sometimes lose, but you will be infinitely better for it. ~ Bianca Sparacino Photography: Monnalisa Laïss©, Author, Artist Today, my heart feels heavy and burdened with sadness. Betrayal cuts deep—especially when it comes from those we love and trust. I open my heart willingly, even knowing there’s no guarantee it will be treated with care. Too often, sweet words serve as a soothing balm, while actions carve daggers into my back. Once again, rejection cut deep, deep wounds 💔 into my heart. I'm utterly disappointed, mostly in myself, because I perceived the wall come up and should have seen it coming. Still, I gave them the benefit of the doubt and didn't prepare myself for what would follow, and once again, the dream of a lifetime friendship has been burnt to ashes. I find comfort in the fact that God heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds. He was betrayed and rejected many times, even while on the cross, yet He chose to forgive others in that moment. Through this trauma, I have the opportunity to know Him more intimately.  So, I will choose forgiveness once more because people are human, flawed, and fallible. I’ll grieve my losses, allow myself the time to heal, and trust that from these ashes, a stronger, wiser warrior will rise—refined by this experience and ready to step forward with new strength.

I will praise You in this storm, Lord. Thank You, Lord, that I can trust You to walk with me through every disappointment. Help me take every thought captive that is not of You, Lord. The enemy is relentless & doesn't fight fair, but thank You for Your armour that protects me from every fiery dart the evil one shoots my way. The testing and pruning have been severe this year, but thank You, Lord, for being my strength when I feel inadequate, ill-equipped, and weak. Without You, I will never be good enough, but You have given me everything I need for a life of Godliness. I will overcome not by power or might but by Your Spirit. Be my strength. You give me just enough light for the step I'm on and help me trust Your guidance when I'm navigating unchartered waters.

It demands every ounce — all the love one can muster, with nothing held back or reserved for anything else. Every act of kindness, every gesture of compassion and every moment of patience—it requires all. Nothing must be saved or held back to be spent on something else. All-consuming, unwavering, and pure. Love in its entirety is what it takes. As Mother Theresa once eloquently put it: "It takes it ALL. Nothing to be held back to be spent on something else." John 15:13: "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends." This means that the greatest love we can show for our friends is to sacrifice ourselves for them. The emphasis lies on "laying down his life" for them. That's what Jesus did for us, and as His followers, we ought to do the same. In the future, when I am long gone, I pray that people will remember me as someone who's spent everything generously and lavishly on those who needed to feel God's love with skin on. After all, it's not about us but about Him being glorified in and through our lives.

I had a very long day at the Hilton for the exhibition and Awards Gala Dinner yesterday. Elias picked me up at 6 am and then we picked up Bash. We set up the booth and spent the morning in the conference and exhibition halls. Then we spent the afternoon in the hotel lobby waiting out the day until it was time to get ready for the Gala event. This was after a touch-up in preparation for the awards gala dinner... I didn't take any photos, but managed to get a few from others. For the first time in my life, I didn't experience social anxiety facing 350 strangers in a crowded room after recognising displacement trauma to my decision not to attempt "fitting in" as the new kid on the block at the root of my anxiety on Wednesday evening. Handing over awards went plain sailing...