I woke up to this message from Ouboet on WhatsApp this morning... 💕 Each of us has a special place where we escape from our lives to break away from the sick, heartless, rushed, or overcrowded world. There, where our greatest needs and dreams arise and begin to grow within us. There, where we can shelter from our most unpleasant experiences, worries, and fears. However, at times, someone comes along and, unnoticed, in an indescribable and remarkable way, manages to infiltrate this place quietly, leaving deep traces and making themselves at home amidst all our needs, desires, hopes, uncertainties, and fears. We allow them to share with us what is sensitive, valuable, and emotional to us, to share what no one else may share: our deepest heart secrets, concerns, needs, expectations, joys, and fears. Within our hidden kingdom of wealth, they now create new perspectives and thus also on our lives and views. They unexpectedly open new windows and/or doors, give us new life expectations and prospects and bring out the best (unfortunately, sometimes also the worst) in us. They unknowingly claim for themselves a special hidden place or corner in our midst (hearts), and leave a remarkable footprint in our deepest beings. ♡💕♡ And then his added note that brought me to tears: 💕I had clearly written her name in the sand when we were younger, and the wind gently, slowly blew it away. But now, I have written her name in my heart where it belongs, where no rust destroys, and thieves cannot break in and steal. There in my special place, where I may and can cherish, care for, and protect it with love. ❤️Sweetheart. May she now forever make her home there with those who have become special to me over time. Yes, forever is a long time, just like never and always, right - forever, until the Lord comes to fetch us. May it bring her joy and comfort - infinitely and carry her through the length of days💖 💖💕❤️ I waited 30 years for this reconciliation 💕 Thank You, Lord, for turning Ouboet's heart 💖 back to his little sister ❤️ Ever since first reaching out to reconcile in October 2017, & his visit in April 2018, he's been my greatest cheerleader & a constant source of encouragement when the going is tough.

Today started on a very high note for me but ended in a tearful & challenging day. At the Market Makers meeting, something snapped in my heart when Pastor Jo closed the service just before Pastor Greg came up from behind & asked if I had been prayed for. I'm ashamed to admit, "Yup, I knew it; he's just like Dad; he doesn't care about me!" had popped up in my mind. I composed myself and headed off to work. Elias was busy, so he suggested I head back home earlier than I had planned and come back after 1 p.m. when I could have his undivided attention to work through the things I needed his input on. I didn't lie when I said I was going to be late because I had an unexpected visitor, but the real reason Ester was here is that she came to pray with me because she was there at Market Makers in the morning when I started to cry & held me long after everyone had left. She had checked in later to see if there was anything she could do for me... There are some areas of my heart where I've broken through & progressed beautifully, but a few remaining areas where I'm still a painful mess. I've been reading quite a bit lately... "Most often, those who hurt most are silent. For various reasons, we don't allow ourselves to experience the pain we feel. Therefore, the pain ends up being covered with work, alcohol, sex, drugs, depression,  compulsive eating, dieting & the endless list of acting-out behaviours to alert observers that all is not well. Having failed to scream, we are now screaming through our disorders, addictions & compulsions. To scream is normal when facing tragic events. Not to scream may reveal the extent to which we are bleeding to death on the inside." This quote from Failure to Scream by Robert Hicks resonates with me because I still do a fair amount of pushing down before I allow myself to grieve. "You should be beyond this!" a pastor told me years ago when I went to ask for help, so now I don't ask. "Just get the hell over it!" I so often tell myself. After a lifetime of feeling numb due to boxing up emotions because I concluded emotions were dangerous, I now feel like I'm on a roller-coaster ride at the rapid pace the Holy Spirit has been resurfacing the unresolved trauma to unpack my box 📦& believe me, sometimes it's loudly buzzing with bugs. From time to time, the volcano of boxed-up emotions erupts & today was one of those days. I'm still learning to feel my feelings &  scream my screams. Today, my heart's been screaming on so many levels & so many tears have been rolling down my cheeks due to the severe grief of not having a mother or father I can go to with my fears & insecurities for comfort & wisdom. Apart from healing hearts, I'm an encourager, too, & I can often see more in people than they can see in themselves. I've also felt called to be a "Spiritual Mother" to others for decades & have always been one to take the motherless & fatherless amongst my peers under my wing even though I was burying my own grief of motherlessness & fatherlessness. This weighs rather heavy on me because I feel ill-equipped not having a "spiritual father or mother" myself & therefore no modelling to know what, how & when I should be doing it. "The Cry for Spiritual Fathers & Mothers" by Larry Kreider has been on my bookshelf for years, waiting to be read. I finally picked it up to read this week & it's been pushing so many buttons... "As I travel the world training leaders and potential leaders, I see a consistent and desperate need for spiritual fathers and mothers to be in vital relationships with spiritual children. Whether they are new believers, Christians for many years, or pastors, the need is still the same. Deep down inside, many are longing for spiritual fathers and mothers. God calls us to become spiritual parents to prepare the next generation for spiritual parenthood. He desires to restore a sense of responsibility in spiritual fathers and mothers toward their children. Spiritual parenting fills the void and closes the gap of broken relationships between the old and the young. Wouldn’t it be great if someone saw your potential in Christ and decided to invest in your life? This is the point of a spiritual parenting relationship—we can go a lot further spiritually if we work together in family-like units to reach the world." I've spent my life looking for a father figure to fill the gaping void Dad's absence left in my heart. As I was reading, it suddenly dawned💡on me that's precisely what Elias has been doing. I can't express how grateful I am for the way he leads, even though I struggle to see in me what he & others see in me. He's encouraged me in so many ways —my self-confidence and who I am in the Lord — he's pulled stuff out of me that nobody was ever able to pull out. He sees things nobody's ever noticed. Nobody's ever seen the glimpses of diamonds & gold in me... He stepped up to do what Dad so dismally failed to do, calling me forth into life to be ME. He didn't give up on me even when my heart thought it was just a matter of time before he'd be sick & tired of me. I've been climbing the ladder of performance all my life. Neither my 2nd place in hurdles nor all my distinctions were ever acknowledged but criticised. Nobody came to cheer me on when I sang the solo or danced in the school plays... so when I came to him excited with what I had produced, like a little toddler would bring their drawing to mom & dad for acknowledgement, that's the wounded little girl inside hoping Dad will finally acknowledge her existence & achievements. However, there's confusion that springs up my defences when I perceive his sudden change from gentle leader to "boss". There's a softness in his eyes & voice that disappears with the pressure he's under & it causes anxiety, a shutdown in trust & a temptation to hide until the softness returns & I feel safe enough to be at ease again. That's the change he sees in my eyes when he so often says, "There she is now!" And sometimes I get confused because I'm not sure where the boundaries of work & friendship are & am I even allowed to be my boss' friend? I need a friendship that lasts. Over & over, I've waded my way across stormy uncharted waters, even learning to home-educate & write a blog to share what I discovered the hard way when school failed our boys, much like the 7-year-old in boarding school coming home to all the contents of her cupboard on the floor every day, with no reason why & no instructions on what was wrong & how to do it correctly. Just do it & when it's done, it's wrong. Once again, a task without parameters for me caused unfamiliar territories, chaos & overwhelm🤦‍♀️as seen with my response to Conference & Awards Finalist Interviews 😢 That seems to have been a pattern in my life & work. Creating order out of chaos & leaving procedure manuals for newcomers to follow. Did I mention I hate chaos?🤔 It messes with my OCD. Over & over, I've had to prove myself "good enough" to others & also myself. Oh & then there's the case of that "Shame? Who? Me?" worksheet from the UNashamed teaching series I completed for the 3rd time on Wednesday evening. Imagine my disappointment when, although a few areas have improved, I realised my life is still pretty much shame-based & that's what's driving so many of my responses, causing the stubborn resistance to change as well as the imposter syndrome & constant feeling like an intruder & a burden. I guess the next 6 weeks are going to be a rough ride 🤦‍♀️Please pray for me as I pursue taking down the stronghold of shame in my life... Sharing my breakthroughs (highlight reels) is easy for me, but allowing people into the struggles whilst I'm in there is not so much because, in the past, too many have left when the going got tough. All too often, I have something to say, but I just can't get the words out, so please hear what I'm NOT saying. Healing from Complex PTSD is a challenging process with many ups and downs. Confronting trauma can sometimes worsen it before it improves. Childhood trauma often leads to ingrained coping mechanisms based on fight, flight, freeze, or please responses (I do all of these), which can resurface during stress. To manage post-traumatic stress from child abuse or neglect, it's crucial to build resilience. Despite effective therapy & healing, breaking away from these ingrained survival strategies can be difficult, and old patterns may re-emerge from time to time. I continue to pray for enlarged capacity & the ability to keep my heart ❤️ open even when it hurts & I'm afraid of intimacy (in-to-me-see) with God & others. I'm grateful for those who are walking this journey with me as I navigate my way through the maze of emotions & sinful responses that need to be uncovered & brought to death at the cross. I'm grateful for those around me who are so patiently loving💞 me back to life!

Two weeks ago, on Monday morning, after my experience with writing "I am loved" on 21 canvases for the Sunday school paint party (https://www.trixiscreations.com/post/uitskryf-werk), our Elijah House Keynote lesson was "How we See God." This lesson deals with how we perceive God through our trauma-tainted lenses. I have seen this lesson at least 6 times before, but this time I was undone & ended up receiving prayer ministry from Ester & Rose. During prayer ministry, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that the reason I was unable to accept that I am loved in spite of all the evidence that I am loved was that my perception & definition of love had been warped due to childhood neglect and wounding. I had come to believe & expect that to be loved was to be neglected, reprimanded, criticised, ignored, and treated unkindly. My identification of love was all skewed. Knowledge will never overwrite experience, and even though I knew the Biblical definition of love that corresponds with my current experience, the battle between my head and my heart was fierce. Deep down in my heart, I was still expecting what I had come to believe is love before I could feel I was loved. ‭‭1 Corinthians 13:4-8 AMP‬‬ [4] Love endures with patience and serenity; love is kind and thoughtful and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. [5] It is not rude; it is not self-seeking; it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. [6] It does not rejoice at injustice but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. [7] Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], and endures all things [without weakening]. [8] Love never fails [it never fades nor ends]. But as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for the gift of special knowledge, it will pass away. Even though I had learnt to treat others with love, kindness, dignity, and respect, I wasn't able to receive it for myself, nor was I able to treat myself in the same way. Then, to rub it all in, on Thursday morning, at Business Leadership Group, John Maxwell's lesson dealt with his most important relationship with God & how often we have a wrong picture of God, which causes us to misunderstand & miss out on having a relationship with Him. Fence Sometimes we see God as a fence or wall that's really tall, forbidding, without doors or openings, and no way around it. We may believe in Him, but He's unreachable on the other side of the fence/wall, and there's no way to reach Him. Ladder Sometimes we see Him as a ladder that we need to climb by doing good works, doing all the right things, & trying to be a good person. We hope that if we're "good enough," we can work our way to God. Garbage Can And sometimes, we see all the negative things about ourselves that we've done, & we're looking at a filthy garbage can, and we're ashamed and feel unworthy to see God. We think we've done too much wrong, & God wouldn't want to see us, so we avoid Him." Door God is standing at the door of our hearts, gently knocking & asking to come into those unbelieving areas where we're trying to bring order by ourselves before letting Him in. Jesus wants us to invite Him into the broken places of our hearts — deep into the core of who we are. He wants us to yield to the process so we can be filled & restored to our original design. Already, whilst watching the video, I became emotional, felt the tears well up, and realised I didn't have any tissues in my pockets. Then it came my turn to read the paragraph, "God wants us to know Him. He wants a relationship with us. And you need to understand something. If God is 1,000 steps away from you, He will take the first 999 steps to get to you. All He asks you & me to do is take one step." By the time I got to 999, I lost my composure and ran out of the meeting in tears. My first instinct was to get into my car and rush back home, but instead I ran up to the bathroom to let the tears flow, composed myself, and a few minutes later, headed back into the meeting. The reflection questions are always the hardest for me; however, here's how I related to these four pictures of God: When I hardened my heart even before birth, when I felt the unsafe post-abortion environment, I built the wall that shut God and others out. I've subsequently spent my life trying to climb the ladder of doing & am still struggling with the garbage of my mistakes, which has prevented me from fully stepping through the door that I've seen in visions on numerous occasions during prayer ministry. He left the 99 to come find ME! I recognise that I need to be more intentional about recognising when I'm tempted to put up walls, climb the ladder, or revert back to the garbage can when I'm dealing with issues that seem too hard to face. My battle is not yet over, because last night we started Sandra's UNashamed teaching series, and from the get-go, even though this was my 3rd time working through the "Shame? Who? Me?" worksheet, and I have improved in many areas, but my life is still pretty much shame-based. I'm grateful that God has placed me in a family to help me through the process of sanctification and transformation so He may be glorified.

And still, God's love, kindness, and favour are pouring in. I just received this from my brother on WhatsApp, and he even included a beautiful poem for me...❤️ Sometimes these posts come when least expected, but always when they're needed. 💕Jesus Loves Me💕 *For the elderly* While watching a little TV on Sunday instead of going to church, I watched a Church in Atlanta honouring one of its senior pastors who had been retired many years. He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the Church even bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age. After a warm welcome introduction of this speaker, as the applause quieted down, he rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gate to the podium. Without a note or written paper of any kind he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak. "When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50 odd years of preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials. The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heartbreak and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me... The only thing that would comfort was this verse...: "Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. We are weak but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me... x3 The Bible tells me so." " When he finished, the church was quiet. You actually could hear his footsteps as he shuffled back to his chair. I don't believe I will ever forget it. A pastor once stated: "I always noticed that it was the adults who chose the children's hymn 'Jesus Loves Me' (for the children of course) during a hymn singing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest, because I could see they knew it the best." Senior version of: "Jesus Loves Me" Here is a new version for those who have white hair or no hair at all; for those over middle age (or even those almost there) and all others who dare to enjoy. 💖Jesus loves me, this I know, Though my hair are white as snow Though my sight is growing dim, Still He bids me: trust in Him. CHORUS 《YES, JESUS LOVES ME. YES, JESUS LOVES ME. YES, JESUS LOVES ME. THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.》 Though my steps are oh, so slow, With my hand in His I'll go. In rough times, let come what may, He'll be there to lead the way. CHORUS《 ... 》 When the nights are dark and long, In my heart He puts a song. Telling me in words so clear, "Have no fear, for I am near." CHORUS《 ... 》 When my work on earth is done, And life's vict'ries have been won. He will take me home above, Then I'll understand His love. CHORUS《 ... 》 I love Jesus, does He know? Have I ever told Him so? Jesus loves to hear me say, That I love Him every day. CHORUS《 ... 》 ...... Every day is a gift .. that's why it's called ...the Present. Feel free to pass it on "Reach out and Touch" a friend; a loved one;))) or a neady heart. Therefor may this to you truely be a present from this day onwards. As from my side: ❤️ Yes, Jesus loves you...x3 The Bible tells me so. Ev'ry day's a gift of God. Treasure it, and let it not all go by without to say that you love Him true today. Chorus For Jesus loves you like He loves me too. Yes it is all true. The Bible tells us so. As we close our eyes tonight may this song bring you delight. He'll be there 'till comes day light; always being by our side. Chorus For Jesus loves you like He loves me too. Yes it is all true. The Bible tells us so. May Lords Hand guard over you, noting that you love Him too. May your heart be ever true and your soal stay good as new. Yes, Jesus loves you. like Jesus loves me. Yes, I know He does too. The Bible tells me so.📷

Hebrews 4:15-16 reminds us that we have a high priest who empathises with our weaknesses, having been tempted in every way, yet without sin. He encourages us to approach God's throne of grace with confidence, to receive mercy and find grace in our time of need. The concept of **hematidrosis** (or sweating blood) is a rare but real condition, often associated with extreme stress or fear. Jesus' experience in the Garden of Gethsemane, where He sweat blood, underscores the immense emotional and physical agony He endured on our behalf. Vulnerability and processing emotions is crucial. Jesus' openness in His time of grief and His request for companionship highlight the importance of community and honesty in our own struggles. It's a powerful reminder that even in our deepest pain, we can turn to God and those around us for support.

When my boss tells me not to beat myself up, it feels a little too late for that. I've been doing just that since before I left work, over mistakes I've made. On a positive note, though, it’s not as intense as it used to be. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm in a pressure cooker. Even my watch keeps reminding me to breathe, and I can feel it manifesting in my body—turns out the coughing is due to asthma, which tends to flare up every couple of decades when something triggers this extreme anxiety. I suspect the backaches might be related as well.  Something about the awards interviews has been stressing me out, and I can't pinpoint why. Proving myself to myself is not an easy task. 🤦‍♀️ This morning, I realized I gave someone the wrong date, which makes me feel quite foolish. After all my triple-checking, I'm now tempted to check everything repeatedly. 🤦‍♀️🤔 I’ll probably relax once the interviews are over and nothing has gone wrong. At least I’m learning to write apology emails… Oh, the shame! I suspect the upcoming series on shame will help me break down some strongholds. I hear the Lord saying there’s more to come. I’ll get there if it’s the last thing I do. It’s not by power or might, but by the Spirit of the Lord. In my weakness, God’s strength will be revealed. Just as Jesus endured the cross for the joy set before Him, I can embrace this difficult journey because the breakthrough will lead to greater freedom.

Death is not the greatest loss in life... The greatest loss is what dies inside of us whilst we're still alive. Too many people die with unsung songs in their hearts. Live full, die Empty God comes into situations of chaos to bring order SHALOM → absence of chaos GRACE → Empowering presence to do what He called us to do

When we're triggered, all rational thinking goes out the window, and the battle between the head and the heart kicks in. Unresolved trauma is stored as raw data in the amygdala, which is almost mature at birth. The amygdala: Processes emotional value & stimulus Bypasses language & cognition Overrides the prefrontal cortex (rational thinking Overrides neo-cortex (logic) Shame defies logic & reason because it lives in the amygdala We also know that the heart always wins when there's a battle between the head and the heart. It's what's in the heart that defiles us. The judgments, expectations, inner vows and lies that we have come to believe in childhood take on a life of their own & when we're squeezed through stress & pressure, what's in the heart pours out of us. Sometimes, we meet people who "push all our buttons" & trigger us into oblivion. These people create an opportunity for us to dig deeper to find out why those buttons exist so we can bring healing to the wounds & put our sinful responses to death on the cross. We don't need to remain trapped in those old ways of responding & bleeding all over those around us... Healing is hard, but so is remaining in pain... CHOOSE your hard. On the other side of healing is FREEDOM, joy & peace.

En daar tjank ek toe snot en trane want die Here gee vir my uit-skryf-werk. Once again, God is up to something... This morning I spent an hour pre-tracing these canvases for tomorrow's children's church paint party and then I felt prompted to do the text with sharpie so that it would still be visible after painting the heart. What I didn't anticipate, however, was the inner turmoil that would result after having spent the last few weeks with overwhelm of out of control & chaos. Then this week I wrestled with intense feelings of being an intruder with no idea where that's coming from. 🤔 Back in the day, my stepdad used to tell us to think before we speak, every time we had something to say, but somewhere along the line I got stuck at thinking.🤔 It's amazing how much overthinking one can do whilst doing such a mundane task for 2 hours. With each canvas, taking about 10 minutes, I felt like a schoolgirl being disciplined or corrected. You are loved You are loved You are loved …… x 18 Before I knew it, I was bawling my eyes out. When Clive found me crying & asked why, all that came out was: "Want die Here gee vir my uitskryf werk!" (Because the Lord gave me write-out work!) His first response was hysterical laughing, but then he noted there's been more than enough evidence that I am indeed loved very much & the reason I'm finding it so hard to accept is that I do not love myself. I've been seeing God's kindness & favour in big & small ways all over of late. Dad's "Me too!" after I plucked up the courage to tell him I love him, struck quite a nerve. The heart of stone must be loved back to life by Christ THROUGH his people. I'm truly grateful for the people He has placed in my life to love me back to life. My stony heart is melting slowly with daily, intentional efforts to keep my heart open even when it hurts. However, there are still some unbelieving areas of my heart that have yet to be to be touched & overcome by the love of Christ in this journey of sanctification & transformation. And so, thank You Lord, that You are with me in the fire & that it's all unto something. What the enemy meant for evil, You will use for good. Thank you for Your oil of joy & peace that surpasses all understanding. And so, Father in any area of my life where I've come to believe False Evidence Appearing Real, would You shine your light on the LIES & help me to bring all fear to effective death at the Cross of Christ. Help me uproot every area of my life that is producing fruit that's unbecoming & doesn't bring You glory. Holy Spirit, I invite You in Your fullness into every place within my heart where there's a fear of vulnerability or there might even be a fear of opening up that door or a fear Lord, of how messy it might be or that I might cry in front of someone. Lord, would you give me safe people that I can be open & vulnerable with. Lord, I pray that You would draw to the cross the fears, anxieties & old ways of having to be proper, sophisticated & have it all together. Lord, would You release Your grace today. Lord, release Your peace. Release Your perfect love which casts out all fear. Release Your honour which would cast out the shame on this journey. Jesus, I need more of You. And so, Lord, if there's anything obstructing or hindering that I would be with You, I give You permission today to reveal it to me. Give me the will to do Your will to do Your good pleasure today. Thank You Lord. In Jesus's Name I pray Amen

Imagine my surprise last Sunday when one of our elders messaged me to ask if I'd be willing do a paint party for the children's church to kick off the new term, that's about 20 children. However, I was already scheduled to be on worship team so now I'm doing said paint party this coming weekend during the morning service... Then, fortunately I was up at like 5h30 this morning & when, to my surprise, around 6am dad phoned. A man who in the past wouldn't speak more than 2 or 3 sentences suddenly chatting for 25 minutes. That must be a new record. Just before he hung up, I told him I love him & for the first time in my life he replied: "you too!" That's the closest I've ever gotten to the "I love you" from dad that I've been waiting 54 years to year. Could it be this prophecy I received from Pastor Mike Berry in November 1991 is finally being fulfilled?🤔 "There's been a war in your house, a tremendous war. It's almost been times where it's been extremely violent & it's principality & powers that's warred against you. And it's been times when you've prayed & prayed: "God give deliverance! God give deliverance!" And you didn't even think God was listening to you. You felt like God has shut the heavens against you & you said: "I don't know how God's going to answer." But it's been like a braze from heaven. God is breaking through right now. And the thing He's promised you in your prayer times & the times that you've worshipped God in this place & the things that you're seen in your life, God has come through & revealed things to you. God is going to do that in your life & in your family's life. He's going to set that place free & break that spirit that's been over that place in the Name of Jesus! He's going to turn the hearts of the sons to their fathers the hearts of the fathers to their sons. He's going to remove the heart of stone & give you a heart of flesh." It took me almost 30 years to realise the heart of stone he was speaking about was mine... I never argued and fitted in exactly with what others thought was right for me to do. I never realised just how passive I really was, having deeply buried my emotions and personhood to the point that I did not know I had them! We form hearts of stone early in childhood as a defence to shield ourselves from pain. These barriers are reinforced by our judgments, expectations, and inner vows, ultimately leading to a profound sense of loneliness, even when surrounded by friends. A heart of stone is by nature private, tends to die slowly & affects relationship with Christ. The heart of stone must be loved back to life by Christ & He does that THROUGH His children, through love, nurture, fellowship, appropriate touch & hugs in community with others. It needs relationship. It needs God with skin on! It needs to know it's a person with feelings and needs. Over the past few months I've been very intentional in building relationships, loving others back to life & allowing others to do the same for me. Sandra says we need at least 12 hugs a day to survive, so I give lots of hugs & in giving hugs we also receive them. When you come across a heart of stone pushing back, love louder. Allow Christ's love & compassion to flow through you to love them back to life. Lately I'm seeing the Lord's favour in the most unexpected places... I received this via WhatsApp from a dear friend this evening: "In my study through the Psalms, I came across this verse today: Psalm 17:8 "Keep me as the apple of Your eye." The word apple is the Hebrew word for pupil of the eye and the word "eye" is the word bath in Hebrew that means "daughter". My interpretation of this is: Keep me, Your daughter, in the center of Your sight. The rest of the verse says: "Hide me under the shadow of Your wings." Which is a reminder of Psalm 91. God has His eyes fixed on you and He is covering you under the feathers of His wings." "You Are Loved!" is the painting chosen for this weekend's painting... how fitting... as it speaks to my own heart today.

Once again I heard the Lord say: "Invest!", as I was spending time with Him in the early hours this morning. A few weeks ago I shared my story of invest & what it could look like, that has now been checked off in full after wrestling with it for 4 years, with Peter, our Elijah House leader on the North Shore. He saw it very differently from how I saw it. He saw it as God investing in me because He's going to get a big return for the Kingdom. I feel like the Lord is saying the time, energy and resources being invested in Healing heARTs & CCNNZ will bring a mighty harvest for His Kingdom. Focus on knowing Him more and making Him known to others. Continue to be faithful in little. Just as He left the 99 to find the 1 missing sheep, so should we show up even if there's only 1 recipient. As we shine His light and radiate His glory, more people will be drawn to Him, be healed and ultimately get to know Him. We are indeed planting seeds that will bring a mighty harvest for God's Kingdom. By the way, pleasing your boss is Scriptural according to Colossians 3:22-25 CEV [22] Slaves, you must always obey your earthly masters. Try to please them at all times, and not just when you think they are watching. Honor the Lord and serve your masters with your whole heart. [23] Do your work willingly, as though you were serving the Lord himself, and not just your earthly master. [24] In fact, the Lord Christ is the one you are really serving, and you know he will reward you. [25] But Christ has no favorites! He will punish evil people, just as they deserve.

Sometimes, transformation may feel like CHAOS... This week I realised just how easily we get tempted to revert back to our old sinful responses when familiar feelings are triggered & we feel crushed. As I've been processing Tuesday's meltdown, I realised it's not so much what happens to us, but how it makes us feel that trips us up & causes us to revert back to what worked before to help self-medicate the pain. I don't think it was a coincidence that Ouboet shared those painful memories I had buried, with me earlier that morning… There's absolutely no correlation to the post-divorce experiences as a child that Ouboet shared with me & the current upheaval around having to organise a huge event that seems way beyond my abilities. However the feelings of turmoil, chaos, uncertainty, inadequacy, nervousness & being out-of-control that have resurfaced, are the same & ultimately lead to angst, overwhelm & fear of rejection, with my first response being withdrawal & trying to help myself, when in fact, these are the times I should be reaching & accepting the support that's been offered. Ouboet also gave me a key to the overthinking... Whenever we had something to say, our stepdad always told us to think before we speak. Somewhere along the line we got stuck at thinking. I was reminded of a little girl maybe, 3 or 4 years old, hiding in the closet because of the anger & chaos in the home with fighting, that & crockery being flung across the room, a memory I had doubted true for decades but was confirmed by my brother when he reached out to reconcile after ignoring me for 30 years. Deep down, there's still a little girl, hiding in the dark closet, believing she's too tiny to do anything about this chaos & nobody's going to come to help. When those triggers hit, there's no rationalising what's happening. Those responses are so deeply ingrained into the autopilot that only Holy Spirit can help us get to the root to lay an axe. And so, the Holy Spirit has brought to the surface some more fruit that's unbecoming & leads me to dig deeper in order to get to the root of that fruit, that's symptomatic from sinful responses to wounding. I know He will help me discover where in childhood, I have sown seeds of dishonour so we can lay the axe to those roots & bring freedom from the angst & overwhelm caused by change & perceived chaos. Lord, thank You for helping me get to the root of my sinful responses & please also help me keep my heart open, when everything inside me screams: "Shut down!" Thank You that You have never failed me yet & that even in this turmoil of learning to feel my once buried emotions, I can know You will turn it all for good. It's all unto something. ‭Hebrews‬ ‭12:1‬ ‭NLT‬ [1] Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. See less

What's on your mind? Facebook asks... A conference for 250 people is the biggest I've ever organised, but the biggest I've ever organised is our wedding and anniversary dinner for 50. The enormity of it all really hit home last week when we went to view the venues. That's a huge space and a lot of people for someone with a lifelong struggle with social anxiety. Will I sink or swim?🤔 You know that moment when you don't know what you're doing & you think you're going to mess it all up & are feeling totally out of control? Panic stations hit hard this morning. It feels a lot like audition anxiety used to feel 😕 I don't have any experience or checklists I can draw on to bring order to my chaos. I'm feeling out of control, and it's triggering childhood out-of-control chaos. I sure wish I believed in myself as much as the people surrounding me do. And on top of that Ouboet shared some post divorce memories I had buried, this morning but they hit a trigger switch big time.😭 Along with some other things, he said some attributes remain as we grow up, but our silence came from stepdad, who always told us to think before we speak. Somewhere along the line, we got stuck in thinking.  🤔 Yet another process to work through in my rapid succession this year...😢🫠😪 Another battle between my head 🧠 & my heart ❤️ that needs to be resolved. I've gotta pull myself closer to myself, as Clive always tells me when I freak out... I have places to go & people to see today. That's pretty much what I'm thinking & feeling right now🤦‍♀️ Oh God, oh God, oh God, don't let me mess this up. Lord Jesus, I invite You to come as the Prince of Peace & bring Your peace to my heart today. Would You help me take captive my anxious thoughts & bring them under submission to Your Word? Holy Spirit, would You give me a word, a picture, or a memory to help me track where in my little girl's heart I have come to believe the lies that I'm incapable and ill-equipped so we can lay an axe to the root? Lord, would You bring healing to that little girl's heart that felt lost and alone in the chaos of her life? Father, in any area of my life where I've come to believe False Evidence Appearing Real, would You shine your light on the LIES & help me to bring all FEAR to effective death at the Cross of Christ? You have not given me a spirit of fear but of Love, power, and a sound mind. It's not by power or might but by Your Spirit. Lord, would You come into my weakness and reveal Your strength? Thank You, Lord. Note to self: God can do so much more with your surrender than you'll ever do with your control. God will handle what you can't handle yourself. It's okay to ask for His help. He loves you. No matter what you're going through in your life, God will forever be by your side. "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7 Yes, I can't do it alone, but He has put people in my life to help me through the hard lessons. I just have to learn that it's okay to accept help, and He will never leave me nor forsake me.

Due to displacement trauma, caused by many moves & 6 schools by the age of 7, I had come to expect that friendships don't last & vowed as a "new kid on the block", not to make an effort to break into existing groups, so for me it's especially hard & I have to make intentional efforts that go against what has been my "autopilot" all my life. Here's my prayer to combat this: Holy Spirit, I invite You in Your fullness into every place within my heart where there's a fear of vulnerability or there might even be a fear of opening up that door or a fear Lord, of how messy it might be or that I might cry in front of someone. Lord, I pray that You would draw to the cross the fears, anxieties & old ways of having to be proper, sophisticated & have it all together. Lord, would You release Your grace in my heart today? Lord, release Your peace. Release Your perfect love which casts out all fear. Release Your honour which would cast out the shame on this journey. Lord I refuse shame in Jesus Name & I declare shame will not have its way, or keep me glued to my seat & glued to this place of having to look good & sound good.

In a realm of my ordinary existence, whilst working at Sanlam Unit Trusts in Cape Town some 30 years ago, I once radiated extraordinary joy, singing my way through the corridors and into the hearts of my friends and colleagues. I'm certain my friends & colleagues, Sandra, Lorraine, Laurette, Santa & others from those days, will be happy to hear that my melodic presence has been largely revived, transcending the life of mere existence & disconnect I once knew.

For the past year or so at home, in my Elijah house encounter groups, as well as on the job lately, I have had to make intentional efforts to be vulnerable and allow space for intimacy (in-to-me-see) in order to build relationships. As a recovering burden bearer who still struggles with social anxiety in crowds, I am constantly stretched way outside my comfort zone & rely heavily on God's grace being sufficient for me & His power to be revealed in my weaknesses. I still find it hard to keep my heart open at the risk of being rejected and abandoned. I have so often asked the Lord why He asked me to start these groups because like Moses I still stumble over my words & feel ill-equipped. However, I have learnt, over the past few years, that when God asks me to do something & I'm afraid, to do it afraid. Courage & confidence follows obedience. On Tuesday we were doing site inspections for conference venues. The biggest events I've ever organised are my wedding & our 30th anniversary celebrations. Organising an event for 250 attendees seems daunting at best. To say I was nervous would be an understatement. I was petrified & very much tempted to resort to my old ways of pushing it down with work. Today Elias reminded me that everything I ever wanted is on the other side of fear. After all, God has not given me a spirit of fear but of love, power and a sound mind.

During our Young Adults encounter group this evening, as we were watching the video of Sandra leading us in corporate prayer, I experienced a very vague vision. In my mind's eye, I saw a digital LED board flashing various words. These words, initially clear, began to fade away, much like a battery losing its charge. The first one was "worthless" but the rest became blurry until they eventually all faded away. As the words dimmed, I sensed a profound message: these words were all the negative labels and name-calling 'worthless', 'unwanted', 'mistake' 'stupid', 'idiot', 'unloved', 'unworthy', 'fake', 'imposter' and 'incapable', that have stuck with you all your life are losing their power over you. I asked CoPilot to help me create a picture, but apparently, it can't spell when it has to add text to pictures.🤔 It also wouldn't draw anything like the example I gave it.🤦‍♀️ Now I can rest easy. Even AI can't always get it right. "That's an interesting vision. I wonder if the words on the left-hand side started with the letters that, when arranged in the correct order, spells "WELCOME"?🤔" is what I received from Elias, when I shared it with him... Worthless UnwantEd UnLoved InCapable UnwOrthy Mistake ImpostEr Stupid Idiot Fake

We attended the City Impact Global Conference last night. This is a snippet from John Bevere's message on pursuing holiness… WE have made holiness the end goal but it is a doorway. Positional Holiness Ephesians 1:4 NKJV → being dedicated & separated unto God. We are holy in Christ. Behavioral holiness that matches our position 1 Peter 1:14-15 AMP. Hebrews 12:14 teaches us to pursue holiness. We ought to chase after with the intent to apprehend. It speaks of intensity & urgency. 'He who has My commandments and keeps them, it is he who loves Me. And he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and manifest Myself to him.”'John 14:21 Relationship with God is given by grace. The New Testament Commands are for pursuing intimacy with Christ. 2 Corinthians 7:1 tells us to cleanse ourselves of the filthiness of flesh & spirit - perfecting holiness & the fear of God. God's grace empowers us to live a holy life. We ought to be holy as He is holy. 'But as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, even so we speak, not as pleasing men, but God who tests our hearts. ' 1 Thessalonians 2:4 All too often our motives are driven by WHO we want to PLEASE There are 3 Images that drive our motivesPerceived image the way others see usProjected Image the way we want other people to see usActual Image our true image. What God sees & will endure Aiming to please God will ultimately lead to pleasing others, including bosses & of course, those around us will reap the fruit of our pleasing God. 😊 BUT pleasing others should never be the driving force of our motives. However, oftentimes our natural giftings may become twisted through wounding. For example, the spirit of excellence can turn into perfection when, in our wounding, we decide that we will not make mistakes, that we would strive to please people and that we have to be perfect. We perform out of fear & lack of faith in order to be accepted & to belong. The Holy Spirit is still working with me to get the twist out of my giftings. Please bear with me & hold me accountable when you discern ungodly motives. 🤗💞

🎼🎶This song in my heart❤️, this song in my soul, this song I was born to sing🎤,  it's Your song🎸 of freedom. Now I'm free to dance💃 again!🎵 🎶I'll sing🎤 in the darkness, I'll laugh🤣 in the rain, rejoice in Your love💞 again.  It's Your song🎸 of freedom, now I'm free to dance💃 again!🎶 🎊🥳🎉 Clive & I spent some time away in New Plymouth this week, for a little bit of rest & reprieve. A whole 373km travelling, that would have taken us maybe 4 hours back in South Africa took almost 5 hours & for most of the time it was pouring with rain. By the time we got from the car into our accommodation, we were drenched. After our committee meeting Elias challenged me to get bored enough to do some painting, reading or.... writing 📖🖊 It was just too cold to unpack my easel, but finally started working on the AFTER painting for Donal's vision from 2 years ago for which the BEFORE version has been waiting to be completed for almost 2 years. The benefit of painting digitally was that I could remain huddled under a blanket to stay warm without the risk of getting paint all over it. On Tuesday it was still cold, rainy & windy We had breakfast at Manous Café & Restaurant. Then we took advantage of the break in rain to explore some beautiful churches until the rain returned & we went to the museum & shopping center to stay relatively dry. I spent the evening painting & writing some more. I also ended up working on an email I was tasked on Monday but I was fretting & avoiding it. For some reason the LIE, "I can't write!" just didn't want to budge, or so it seemed & Elias wasn't giving me an easy way out. He wants to see the UGLY. On Wednesday it was still icy cold. After a  lazy morning, we had a lovely lunch at the Treehouse Bar & Bistro. It was cold but dry enough that we were able to take a walk along the beach at Paritutu Centenial Park. By Wednesday evening, there was another email to type up for some new members. This time it took me about 30 minutes to type but another 2 & half hours of agonising before I sent it off for approval. On Thursday we woke up to clear, sunny skies, but we were due to leave by 10am to head home. We managed to get a couple of snapshots along the way & got home around 4pm. Back at work this morning I was singing & humming again. We're currently gearing up to arrange a conference for 250 people, a responsibility that's going to be entirely on my shoulders which reminds me of a previous colleague's regular comment "Pak maar, Patrizia se skouers is breed!" (Keep packing, Patrizia has broad shoulders) Up to now, the biggest events I've arranged entirely were our wedding & our 30th wedding anniversary dinner. During my 5 years as Moms in Action Secretary, the chairlady did all the planning, organising. I did all admin, the invitations, the tracking, helped setup the venues & followed orders.Quite honestly, a couple of weeks ago the thought of organising events scared the hell out of me and for a moment there I felt intimidation & inadequacy but the warrior in me is finally rising up to the challenge. At least on the writing front I'm making progress. I had to do another email. Elias wanted the UGLY & this time it took maybe 20 minutes & this time there was very little anxiety around having him approve it. What I've recognised this week is that there was still residual of that darn old fear of rejection, my voice has no value & need for approval... I also realised that I have spent my life living in compliance, just following orders, doing as I was told & not having a voice. I don't quite know what to do with all this newly found trust in my abilities when I'm still doubting myself. God gave me my voice back in June 2020 & now Elias is giving me opportunities to use it but I'm still unsure how to do that. I may not be the Lion, but it has fallen onto me to release His roar. Intellectually, I know my words have value because I'm a faith-filled, life-speaking, fully devoted follower of Christ that speaks encouraging, life-giving words to build others up. However there are still some areas of my little-girl heart that need evangelising. What I've learnt this week, is that even when we've repented of our judgments& expectations & renounced the LIES we've come to believe, the enemy will continue to bring doubt to try to stop us from walking in the victory Christ has already won for us. Just like the spirit of heaviness that still comes knocking regularly these LIES, too will have to be resisted until God helps me smash them completely. I just need to acknowledge that it's just a current belief that He will help me smash. The question, "Did God really say...?" Started in the garden of Eden but will continue haunting us until Christ returns in glory & splendour. Our old sinful habits won't die easily & the new ways of protecting our hearts are like muscles that need to be practiced & flexed to become stronger over time. There is no long-lasting, quick-fix to our old sinful nature. When we ask God to move a mountain we have to be prepared to wake up next to the shovel... it takes DISCIPLINE & ACCOUNTABILITY to learn to walk in new, Godly ways. We have to continuously abide in the Vine. Without Him, we will easily succomb to the temptations to return to the familiar every time something unresolved resurfaces.  We have to see to it that we don't come short of the grace of God & that no root of bitterness springs up to cause trouble, and by it many become defiled; Hebrews 12:15 Yet again, knowledge will never overwrite experience & the only way to gain experience, is by getting into the water & learning to swim. God has graciously & miraculously provided this job so I could see for myself that I am indeed CAPABLE & WORTHY. I'm also learning the skills I need for my big, hairy, audacious dream. I'm slowly starting to see the bigger vision, how God is repositioning me & adding people who are here to help. Things are slowly falling into place. Even though it's tough at times, I am grateful that the Lord has teamed me up with a great man of faith who exemplifies ‭‭1 Peter‬ 5:3‬ to not lord it over the people assigned to their care, but lead them by their own good example. He won't give me a "get out of jail free card" but draws out the potential & holds me accountable.  He sees the glimpses of Diamonds & gold in me & is constantly challenging me to discover those God-given skills & abilities, I have have been unable to see for so long. I'm finally learning & accepting that asking for help, even from Copilot, is not a sign of weakness, failure or even inauthenticity. I'm thankful Elias has loads of experience I can learn from, that he believes in me & that he's here to help. It's not by power nor might, but by My Spirit, says the Lord Once again, God has done great & wonderous things for me... ‬[11] You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, [12] that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever! Psalms 30:11-12 NLT Once again, God has done great & wonderous things IN & trough me... 34 odd years ago, I was known at Sanlam Head Office in Bellville, Cape Town as the girl that was always walking around singing... it's been a long time, but that singing girl is resurfacing. He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind. The lines have indeed fallen for me in pleasant places. He has set my feet to dancing & my heart rejoicing… I will rejoice for He has made me glad! IN his presence, there is fulness of JOY!💃🎊🥳🎉 That joy is not dependent on our circumstances but on constantly spending time in Christ's presence & getting to know His character. Finally, I'll leave you with these old songs that have recently resurfaced in my heart: Free to Dance | Christian Song I Am Free (Newsboys) The River is Here - Vineyard Music

When you call people by their NAME, you are reminding them of WHO they are & calling them forth & into who they are called to be. This post by Ann Hamilton was quite an eye opener to me because I have despised my names for most of my life. "The story of Michal, the daughter of Saul and wife of David, is a complex one. Like her brother Jonathan, she defends David at the risk of her own life. Saul used David's love for her to try to get him killed - he made the bride price a hundred Philistine foreskins. Despite her betrothal to David, she was given to another man in marriage and she bore him five sons - and, despite being later returned to David, she had none by him. The critical incident that seems to be a deciding factor in this lack of children is her heart's reaction as she watched David dance before the Ark of the Covenant as it was brought into Jerusalem. Immediately after David explains himself to her, the comment is made: "And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death." (2 Samuel 6:23) This comment seems to suggest that her childlessness (obviously to David) was a direct consequence of her attitude. A superficial reading of this Scripture would see this as a punishment from God. But a deeper reading would see this as coming from Michal herself. The name "Michal" sounds like "machol", dancing. In despising what David was doing, she despised her own identity, her own calling, her own self. She in fact hated her own name. When we hate our own name, as I did for most of my life, we are like Michal - unable to give birth to the calling God has placed over our lives." "What's in a name?" Shakespeare asked and then gave some bizarre answer about the properties of roses. A name is actually how God gives us a soul (neshama). By breathing (nashamah) a name (shem) into our unformed frames. For the Hebrews, the dawn was the only way to describe the creation of a soul. Shakespeare wasn't the only one to get it wrong. Our souls are radiant like the sun (shemesh — 'name fire'), as brilliant and fire-forged as meteorites. They were not — as the Greeks thought — as fragile as butterflies. Over the past 3 years, the Lord has been speaking to me about names consistently & often but I've been a little slow on the uptake to claim my name back so these are the only names I'll respond to henceforth… This is WHO I am: PATRIZIA • Language/Cultural Origin: Latin • Inherent Meaning: Noble • Spiritual Connotation: Victorious • Scripture: Romans 8:37 NKJV Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. ELISABETH • Language/Cultural Origin: Hebrew • Inherent Meaning: Oath of God • Spiritual Connotation: Consecrated • Scripture: Romans 6:23 NKJV But the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. TRIXI • Language/Cultural Origin: American • Inherent Meaning: Bringer of Joy • Spiritual Connotation: Peaceful • Scripture: Psalm 46:4 NASB There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy dwelling places of the Most High. As a post abortion baby, with the spirit of death wrapped around me since conception, I was incubated in fear, shame & survival guilt. I was born believing I'm a mistake, I shouldn't be here, I have to earn my keep & prove myself worthy of love resulting in a lifelong struggle with depression & suicidal thoughts. I've spent my life trying to be what I thought others expected & striving to be what God already created me to be but for now, I'm learning to live from the heart that Jesus gave me... God exchanges our ashes for beauty & you will most often find that your biggest challenges will become your biggest area of ministry. Our scars tell a story that turn our ashes to glory & enables us to bring help & hope to those who are still in the ashes.