Here's a post I've been sitting on since I bought my first dress, the blue one, for my first worship team event in August...
I received this word from Sandra during prayer ministry on 4/6/2020...
"Be still & know I am here.
INVEST:
The Lord wants you to invest in you personally. You're not a waste of time, money & effort.
What would that look like?
• Take time to discover what fills your creative well
• new haircut?
• new dress?
• Take the time & money you need for qualifications?
• How can l express the beauty of me?"
I concluded that investment meant spending time & money on attending EH schools & pursuing my healing & restoration but even after finishing D-School in July, that word still haunted me... but I think I'm slowly but surely getting to the point of knowing what it really looks like🤔
The enemy had attacked me on the area of my identity even before birth when mom wanted to call me Elisabeth but Oma insisted she give me a "decent" name because all the women in our family before mom were Elisabeth, so instead I became Patrizia, Elisabeth. Throughout my life I had judged, rejected & hated myself. I even despised & shied away from my names, (Patrizia meaning of noble birth & Elisabeth meaning God is my Oath)
Due to many traumatic life experiences I had turned from life & come to believe I was not valued, unloved, worthless & a mistake. After an EH prayer ministry demo to dismantle my foundational lie that I was a mistake, I was told to claim my name back. As a little girl, I perceived mom & dad paid more attention to my brother & loved him more, so I often thought I should have been a boy so I grew up as a "tom-boy" & suppressed & neglected the "girly" girl in me.
I had dishonoured God by turning from life in the womb, hating myself, my names & the girl He had created me to be, not believing His truth about me & not being authentic to name just a few aspects of dishonour. For the longest time, I lived the LIE that I was F.I.N.E. even though I wasn't. Scripture is very clear that all LIARS, just like cowards, unbelievers, the corrupt, murderers, the immoral, those who practice witchcraft, idol worshipers' fate is in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death. Revelation 21:8 NLT
2 decades ago, I stopped wearing dresses, taking care of myself & looking pretty, under the guise of comfort, but recently I realised it was actually a stronghold of self-protection because of unwelcome touch as a pre-teen. I was loosing my ability to "grin & bear it" because I had denied, minimised & suppressed the trauma of sexual abuse for so long. I didn’t want to be touched, seen or noticed, not even by my husband.
I finally acknowledged molestation as sexual abuse during C-School in April. I repented, forgave & received healing but the wrestling continued until 2 months ago when I finally realised that "comfort" was a LIE that hid the STRONGHOLD of self-protection. I finally acknowledged God wanted me to embrace my "girly" girl that I had suppressed decades ago due to unhealed trauma.
I guess this is part of the "wait there's more" I heard Him say after my healing prayer group ministry session at D-School in July. I finally relented & invested in 2 dresses for worship team in August, or so I thought... and then came our wedding anniversary celebration preparation. Again the Lord wasn't finished & the prompting continued... a reminder of the vow renewals prompting for our 25th anniversary that I had suppressed... When I mentioned that to Clive he decided he wanted something decent party wise & the prompting for nails, make-up the lot started, so I finally gave up fighting & pulled out all the stops for the event.
After wrestling with this word for 2 years, Clive is delighted with my most recent acquisitions & has been graciously investing into my new wardrobe since I confessed... let's face it a wardrobe overhaul was required since the my wedding dress was the only dress in my cupboard 🙃
I now own 4 new dresses & I'm getting better at obeying the Holy Spirit promptings but it doesn't come without some wrestling yet.