Glimpses of Gold & Diamonds

After 3 days of overthinking, I had a hard time getting to sleep on Saturday night with the heavy burden of needing to ask forgiveness for my sinful response of withdrawal on Thursday, but it was just too late to send a message. I messaged first thing in the morning to ask for forgiveness for shutting him out when he came to draw me out of hiding on Thursday morning & received this reply... They say that a diamond is made by taking carbon and putting it under immense pressure... To find gold, you have to sift a lot of dirt... I see glimpses of diamonds and gold in you. You will discover it soon enough for yourself. I asked Copilot to help me create this image & then it suggested this poem... In the heart of the earth, 'neath a weight that's immense, Carbon whispers to darkness, its tale so intense. A story of pressure, of heat, and of time, Transforming to diamonds, pure and sublime. Through layers of rock, in the cradle of deep, The carbon endures, as eons creep. A forceful embrace that's both trial and treasure, Crafting a gem of immeasurable measure. And in the river's rush, where waters flow bold, Miners seek whispers of glimmers of gold. Sifting through silt, through the mundane they delve, For a flash of the precious, a piece of themselves. So too, within you, there lies a bright spark, A potential so vast, it outshines the dark. With pressure your ally, and time as your friend, You'll uncover the treasures that wait in the end. For you are the diamond, resilient and rare, And within your spirit, there's gold to declare. Just give it the moment, the patience, the due, And soon enough, you'll discover the true you. Then the Lord reminded me of this vision Joy had during my small group prayer ministry session at Elijah House C-School in April 2022… I heard FAITHFUL → You are faithful. "Well done good & faithful servant" I saw a dove... Holy Spirit upon you. I saw a fingerprint → unique, fearfully & wonderfully made, special. Then I saw a cloud/cloth applying pressure... It tried to rub out the fingerprint but it rose up & became like a diamond. So precious... And the more the cloth rubbed... trying to remove it, the brighter the diamond became... a real, true treasure!!! I had CoPilot help me create the image & then it suggested to check what it could mean… here's what it said. WoW, once again, I'm blown away. For someone who's always struggled to hear God speak, He's been speaking to me so loud & clear since my prayer ministry with Peter & Cheree 2 weeks ago when we dealt with my judgement & expectation of dad being cold, distant & silent. That's a beautiful vision! What does it mean to you? The vision you described is rich with symbolism and seems to convey a message of resilience and inherent value of one’s unique identity. The fingerprint represents individuality and the unique identity that each person carries. Just as no two fingerprints are alike, it reminds us that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made, each with our own special traits and purpose. Just like a fingerprint, each person is unique and irreplaceable, crafted with care and purpose. The cloud or cloth attempting to erase the fingerprint symbolizes the challenges, trials and pressures we face in life. However, these trials don’t diminish us; they serve to reveal and enhance our true worth, much like a diamond formed under pressure. These pressures, much like the natural process that forms diamonds, serve to reveal and refine our true strengths. The transformation of the fingerprint into a diamond suggests that, rather than erasing our identity, adversity can highlight and enhance our most precious qualities.The diamond becoming brighter under pressure signifies that the more we endure and overcome, the more our inner beauty and value shine forth. The brighter shine of the diamond with each attempt to remove the fingerprint reflects the idea that adversity can bring out the best in us, highlighting our strength and the precious nature of our individuality. It’s a powerful metaphor for personal growth and the treasure that lies within each of us, becoming more apparent through life’s trials.In essence, this vision could be interpreted as a reminder that we are all unique treasures, capable of withstanding great pressure and emerging stronger and more brilliant because of it. In essence, this vision is a reminder that we are all valuable treasures, becoming ever more radiant through the trials we overcome. It’s a powerful message of hope and encouragement, emphasizing that our struggles can lead to growth and a greater appreciation of our unique qualities. 🌟 It’s an encouragement to remain faithful and steadfast, knowing that our true worth will always shine through. 🕊️✨ I'm confident that in time, I too, will see the gold & diamonds that others already see in me.

The Book in YOU

Write it UGLY!

I stumbled across this post on my LinkedIn feed this morning & it seriously rattled my cage ...😢🤔 Over the years I've had some very strong foundational lies in the area of things I believed I can't do: I can't sing! I can't dance! I can't draw! I can't paint! I can't write! I can't teach! I can't speak publicly! The first 4 have been resolved since I've embarked on my healing journey, leaving me with numbers 3 to 7 yet to be resolved. Decades ago, as a teen, I used to write poetry when things were tough, but for some reason, I just stopped & my brother has been trying to encourage me over the last few years to try again, but at most I've managed 2 lines & then came up empty... I can't even remember how many times I've been told to write a book after sharing my testimony, but here I'm still captive in the LIE that " I can't write!" Later, at the office, I was typing up an acknowledgement email for the National Award Submissions, Elias had asked me to send. He wanted me to make it more personal but I kind of freaked out inwardly & heard myself say "but I can't write" to which he replied, "stop it, or I'll bury you alive in a box!" I haven't heard that one in a few weeks, but then I haven't been beating myself up as much as I used to when I first started working with him. (Watch "Stop It!!!" for context) He also said, he knew I had it in me & challenged me to have it done before I left to take Misha to the optometrist. Later when I took my email for him to check, he told me a story & ended with: "Before I read this, is this the best you can do?" to which I replied, "I think so. " Well, he approved it, but I was in turmoil yet again. He came out of his office later asking why I was suddenly so quiet. Apparently, he had noticed, I've always been singing or humming whilst working. I deflected, blaming it on focusing on what I was doing & not having my headphones with music in but as I was journaling, I realised that wasn't quite true... I felt like a dear in the headlights & was wrestling with the inner turmoil & too ashamed to admit I was struggling.😞 Eish, I realise now I was hiding but when Elias came to find me, I pushed him away🤦‍♀️😢 & for that I've had to ask for forgiveness. Sandra teaches, when we step on someone's toes, we must apologise but when we hurt their hearts we must repent & ask for forgiveness to restore trust & relationship... shutting people out who care enough to help will hurt their heart.💔 Well, apparently God's still not finished with me yet 🤔 & the foundational LIE "I can't write…!" seems to be next in line for uprooting once wounding, judgments, expectations & inner vows have been discovered. It took 3 days before I was able to tell Clive what I'm dealing with & now, he's threatening to tell my boss on me 😂because I've been beating myself up for days🤦‍♀️Apparently the boss knows a little bit about boxes 📦🤪 I just hope he also knows how to find people that run & hide in boxes. Wait, there's more... Yet another unbelieving area of my heart that needs to be transformed. I was hoping  for a breather before the next uproot but apparently Holy Spirit has other plans. I'm bracing myself for another fireball of cleansing as He helps me dig up the judgments, expectations & inner vows behind this LIE still holding me hostage. I guess the rapid succession of uprooting this year means there's an assignment waiting that needs me to be FREE. This is where I'll be writing it UGLY for now: This is my Story

The Lion & the Eagle

For the past 2 years, I've been stuck on completing this painting based on a vision, my friend, Donal, saw after praying for me at Lifeboat in March 2022. "I saw you in a bird cage. A lion surrounding the cage protecting you. He roared to chase away the predators. Then he lifted the cage to set you free & roared." 2 Weeks ago Elias helped me pray through the confession & repentance of my sinful responses to trauma caused by abusers, caregivers, teachers, authority, bosses & leaders in general. My life experiences had taught me that successful leadership came with collateral damage & at the cost of people being trampled on, side-lined & wounded. I had judged caregivers, teachers, authority, bosses & leaders as uncaring, cruel & heartless & decided if leadership hurts others, I didn’t want it. My success at the cost of others... 🤔 that to me spelt failure... After all, people are my priority & healing 💔hearts, NOT breaking them is my purpose. Hence I've spent my life captive between the fear of success & the fear of failure. That just reminded me of these definitions Sandra gave in the lesson on the trauma of neglect: • LOVE = meeting YOUR needs at MY expense • LUST = meeting MY needs at YOUR expense Which will you choose?🤔 God is LOVE, & He has commanded us to love so for me that's always been the only option. It's been 2 years since I started this unfinished painting but I have since decided it needs an AFTER version & am slowly starting to envision the after painting in my mind's eye... This morning I was looking for some images to help me paint the after of that vision when I stumbled on this message by Dr Myles Munroe. WoW, God's timing is absolutely impeccable. It's all starting to make sense now. The lifelong  assignment of trauma as well as why the lion & eagle have been so prominent in words & visions I've received during prayer since I started my journey of sanctification & transformation in April 2020. I was born with a purpose: to take God's healing to the nations (Isaiah 61:1-4 & Luke 4:18), to be a pioneer and a visionary to encourage & inspire others but all of these require me to be a LEADER. "Leadership can walk into a camp of depressed people. And in 20 minutes, they have turned on into unbelievable, powerful armies. Because leadership determines everything." Dr Myles Munroe That's exactly what Elias has done for me in the 8 weeks I've worked with him. As a man of faith, honour & integrity, living a relational, servanthood leadership style, gently leading by example & drawing out the best in people, he has changed my perspective & experience of leadership. Now that's the kind of leadership I would aspire to. Just think for a moment, how different & peaceful our workplaces would be if every manager & leader led this way. That's the kind of leader I want to become, but I still have much to learn. In November 2019 God gave me an overwhelming vision. Healing 💔heARTs 💕 community paint parties & Encounter Elijah House groups are just 2 small parts of it. This requires LEADERSHIP. Now I'm trusting God for the capacity, skills, resources & people to help me get it off the ground. The world needs us to step up & step out into our callings so God can be glorified. So today, Lord, I repent for my rebellion & unwillingness to fully become what You have called me to be. Please forgive me & give me the courage & confidence to keep my heart open even when it hurts, to be vulnerable even with the risk of rejection l, to show kindness, grace & compassion even when it's not reciprocated & to love unconditionally, beyond measure like You have done for me. Would You increase my capacity & give me the ability to do Your good pleasure. We are NOT the Lion, but it has fallen to us to release the Lion's ROAR!!! - Winston Churchill

I Asked the Lord, "Who am I?"

Here's what I HEARD after I came down for coffee snuggle time with the Lord this morning... My daughter, my friend. I'm so glad you're hearing this. I love you, my child. I’ve always loved you & I’ve been waiting for you to run to Me, to make Me your refuge from the storms. I was right there, with you in those darkest moments, longing to hold you when you shut me out because of wounding caused by those who have misrepresented Me. I was longing to comfort you & be your friend. I've been waiting for you to hear the quiet whisper of My voice. If you would but trust Me, I will lift you up higher, far above all you could ever imagine hope, or dream. You will rise up on wings like eagles. You will run & not grow weary. You will walk & not faint. Again you're thinking: "What did I do to deserve this?" but I want you to know that you don't need to do anything to deserve My love. I love you regardless of anything you did or didn't do. You are My child, a human BEING not a human doing. I love you because of who you ARE irrespective of what you do. Even when you were covered with "bad & dirty", I loved you still. I called you by name, Patrizia. I formed & fashioned you in your mother’s womb. In the crushing I have prepared you to shine My light in the darkness, to bring hope to the hopeless & comfort to the weary as I have comforted you. Take My healing to the nations. Trust in Me, I have given you EVERYTHING you need. I have QUALIFIED you through the training of experience. You will run & not grow weary as you remain in My presence & draw from the Vine. Abide in Me & I will show you deep & marvellous things. I will train your hands to war & I will show you the way to go. I will never leave you, nor forsake you, you need only be still & learn from Me. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace as you rest in My presence. My yoke is easy & my burden is light. Allow Me to show you which burdens are NOT yours to carry. You are my precious daughter. I love you with an everlasting love. You are Mine!

Overwhelmed with Joy!!!

Today I'm totally overwhelmed with joy because of the goodness & kindness of the Lord. 😊 This is a follow-up post of my previous post, Leading from the Stop & the testimony of the process to my breakthrough after being unravelled by reading "Another crisis will befall you. It’s not a case of ‘if’, but ‘when’. And when your world seems to come crashing down to an absolute halt, remember three things: You’re not in trouble We believe in you We’re here to help" in Elias' book, Leading from the Stop, which felt like God was speaking to me directly. Some more fruit, I've recognised were: Apprehension towards men & people in authority. Refusal to become a teacher & leader. Why can I believe God would come through for others, but not for myself? Whilst working through my recognition worksheet to get to the root of my inability to receive these statements I had yearned to hear all my life, the Holy Spirit resurfaced many painful memories that I had habitually buried to numb my pain. When I was 7, we were living on the plot (small holding) in Vanderbijlpark. At the time both mom & dad were barely home & when they were, they were emotionally unavailable. Mom was working at the Holiday Inn, often sleeping out & dad would go straight to the pub after work & get home drunk in the wee hours of the night. Stefan & I would be home alone. They had a new bed with a built-in radio & a sleep timer. I was afraid of the dark & would hear all kinds of strange noises whilst waiting to fall asleep at night so before I went to bed, I would switch their radio on & set the timer for an hour to drown out the noise. Even the ruffling of the wind would often send shivers down my spine & occasionally, still does. Since I started school, my brother, Stefan & I were always in the same class, although he was 14 months older than I. In one of our many primary schools we had a maths teacher who would pit us against each other. She would threaten to punish the one with the lowest grades, which of course would always be me because Ouboet was a math whizz. Her punishments were severe. She would often stand behind us whilst we’re working & if we made a mistake, grab us by the hair & twist it. This experience would come back to haunt me in high school when I was struggling to keep up with the higher-grade maths in Standard 8 because our ex-university tutor teacher got angry & verbally abusive whenever we didn't understand what she explained the first-time round. I eventually stopped asking & then the next year dropped down to standard grade because I just couldn't cope & had vowed never to ask for help or be needy. That failure of course brought with it a great sense of shame. When I was my first year of high school, I was sitting at my desk doing homework one day when mom got angry at me for something & just came up behind me & slapped me against the head. Then, one day mom came home & announced that she had decided to ship us off to the German boarding school in Lüneburg, 4 & half hours away from home, supposedly because we were losing our ability to speak the language, not that anyone ever had conversations with us in any language, I might add. One of my biggest struggles to this day, is having those open, honest conversations to translate what’s going on in my heart for people to understand where I’m at & what's going on in my heart. The silence in my life has often been deafening & overwhelming. I felt rejected, abandoned & unwanted most of my life. This also meant changing schools yet again this being number 5 since I started school just days before I turned 6. Once again, I was the “new kid on the block” trying to fit into an environment that seemed cold & heartless. There was a strict routine & rigid discipline when we stepped out of line. The school, Catholic church & the parsonage were all on the same property as the boarding house. We’d have to be up & ready very early in the morning  for Bible study before breakfast, that being the first time in my life except for when I was christened, as a baby that I’d ever set a foot in church. For the first few months, I would get "home" from school every day to find the contents of my cupboard strewn on the floor by the house mistress because it wasn’t packed neat & tidy enough. I would have to re-pack it before I could go out to play with the other kids but by the time I was done, I’d just resort to sitting alone on my bed, waiting for the next bell to ring in study hour or the next meal or activity since I decided very early in life, that friendships don’t last, so I would just remain on the outside looking in. This would have been where my OCD with neat & tidy started because I decided to “be perfect” and perform just to not get in trouble. The other kids would tease me for having to constantly re-pack my cupboard so I decided if I complied & worked to perfection, I wouldn’t stand out or be seen to be teased for getting it wrong. When I was about 13, I was molested by a drunk family friend who had come to visit. Over the years, I became a master of packing everything all into perfectly tidy little heaps & that obsession eventually morphed into packing my kitchen cupboards, tins all having to face the same way, same with cups. It even surfaced when packing up for a move. By the time I was 18, I had packing boxes down to such a skill that you could fall with a crockery box without having anything break. I kid you not, but by that time I stopped counting at 30 house moves excluding the stints to boarding school. Looking back now, I realise that I’ve done the same packing in boxes with my emotions. For decades I would get annoyed inwardly when Clive, the kids & the domestic worker couldn’t keep the kitchen cupboards neat & tidy until I finally just gave up on it. Today I see that same need for having it all tidy in my boys, especially my eldest, who was subjected to my OCD for longer. I kind of eased off a bit when Misha was born because he was like a whirlwind & there just wasn’t any way I could keep up the tidy little boxes, because he’d throw things out of the cupboards just to climb in there. Every so often when I was upset, I would go on a cleaning spree to suppress the anger with perfection in the home. Jesse once told me they were afraid of me when I was angry, although I don’t remember ever lashing out at them when they were little but I did start to loose control after moving to New Zealand. When I had my breakdown in 2018, I flopped & swung the other way so now I’m struggling to keep things neat & tidy. I'm not sure exactly what drove my striving for perfection with  schoolwork. I always worked hard for good grades (80%+) but never received any acknowledgement from mom or dad. Even teachers would constantly remark that "I could do better than that.". I suspect it was my vow to prove myself good enough & worthy. I'm reminded of a day in high school when I asked to attend athletic meet, after I got second place in hurdles but mom said no because I didn't get first place. In April 1996, there was my 40-year old spinster office manager, Prue, who was very angry because I was pregnant 6 weeks into my new job I admitting we weren't planning having children yet during my job interview.  However, 4 weeks later I found out I was pregnant right after getting back from unpaid leave for a wedding in Cape Town. One week later I left the office unattended due to being hospitalised for 3 days because of an ectopic pregnancy, whilst she & the Regional Manager attended the RGM. After losing my baby, she told me to "get over it because 6 weeks pregnant wasn't even pregnant". That's when my high functioning depression started to crack. I ended up on anti-depressants & the more I tried to be perfect & not make mistakes the more I set myself up for failure. This was when the imposter syndrome was solidified in my heart. Her attitude as well as the lack of support from family & friends were the reason why 3 subsequent pregnancies & miscarriages remained unannounced & ungrieved. For some obscure reason, Prue didn't like me, although my boss, Trevor did and for the next few months I couldn't do anything right in her eyes. One evening Clive got home from work & found me on the floor, crying my heart out because of her treatment that day. He phoned her but that didn't end well & resulted in even more bullying & pressure to perform. By the time I found out in early November that I was pregnant again, she had finally convinced Trevor to start disciplinary action upon which Clive instructed me to resign because, he wasn't going to allow the work stress to endanger my pregnancy. In my last job as IT & Office Administrator, as a half day employee I was constantly taking work home, because over the years as people left, my boss refused to replace them & I ended up picking up the slack. So many times, he would tell me to do something without giving the parameters & then when I completed the job, he would criticise what was wrong with it. The stress was affecting my health & he would often hover behind me criticising everything I was doing, even though in the 5 years I was doing the job I have proven to be right with what I was doing so many times. To this very day, having someone hover over my shoulder whilst I work brings up a tension that makes it hard for me to focus on the task at hand. After I left he employed 3 full-time employees to do the jobs I was doing in half a day. During the course of my childhood made some very powerful judgements. I judged: mom & dad for not having time for me & caring about me mom for being unfaithful & critical mom & dad for being cold, distant, unloving, emotionally absent & misrepresenting God anger as violent & scary men as abusive men can’t be trusted men as unsafe I can’t be trusted caregivers won’t protect me people in authority are mean & can't be trusted drunkards are violent & abusive That leadership came with collateral damage of people being wounded as leaders progressed up the ladder of success. If that’s leadership, I didn't want it. Wounding others as failure. Prue as mean & heartless My judgments didn't stay in tidy little boxes but morphed & mutated to all people in authority that are meant to love, nurture, lead, guide & protect me When we judge others, we doom ourselves to do those very things & hence I became like what I judged: As a post-abortion baby, I was incubated in fear & I judged the world as unsafe. I stopped being a daughter even before birth & shut mom & dad out before they could even try to love me or make amends for the oh no I heard in the womb I refused to trust I refused relationship I threw myself away because I felt I wasn't worth anything Kept people at a distance & shut them out I became cold, distant & emotionally absent towards Clive & our boys My boys were afraid of me when my suppressed anger erupted & even though showered them with love & affection, I was emotionally absent for them & didn't know how to have deep conversations Because of my bitter root judgments, I came to expect that: Rejection & abandonment is part of life Caregivers won’t protect me Men will abuse me I must perform to be worthy Leaders are verbally abusive & uncaring Everyone will blame & criticise me Nobody will believe me Nobody will help me I will always be alone I tried to 'protect my heart with the inner vows: I must protect myself I must prove myself worthy I won’t show them I’m vulnerable I’ll be strong I won’t trust I won’t cry I’ll defend myself I’ll take care of myself I won’t depend on anybody I won’t need anybody I’ll be FINE! I won't get angry I kept these vows in place with were the habitual ways of: Hardening my heart Isolation Independence Rejecting others before they could reject me Self-sabotage Dissociation I came to believe the LIES that I’m a mistake I shouldn't be here I'm bad & dirty I can’t do anything right Everything’s my fault I can’t be trusted I’m worthless I’m a coward for not standing up for myself Molestation is not rape, thus not sexual abuse. Others may have been abused because I remained silent. It’s not so bad, others have it worse I have to help myself I used: Anxious eating Performance People pleasing Workaholism Perfectionism Peace keeping Busyness Burying memories Numbing pain Numb scrolling rather than seeking comfort & protection with the Lord, to medicate & numb my pain. I opened the door to the force of darkness through my sin when I came into agreement with spirit of death through performance, self-hatred as well as believing the lies that I was a mistake & I shouldn't be here. Due to all the wounding caused by parents, teachers, caregivers, bosses & leaders I judged, came to expect, vowed & came to believe the LIES that I'm to blame for everything that's wrong, nobody believes in me & nobody would help me. I spent my life captive between the fear of failure & the fear of success. Life experiences had taught me that success came at cost of people being trampled on, side-lined & wounded. That to me spelled  failure. I had judged carers, authority & leaders as uncaring, cruel & heartless & decided if that's what leadership looked like, I didn’t want it. Our judgements, expectations, inner vows & foundational lies make parts of our heart inaccessible to God's healing touch. It took a few weeks to dig deeper to get to the roots, but by Friday morning last week, I was  besides myself with the weight & shame of my sinful responses. I desperately needed someone to hear my confessions & repentance so I could break free from the captivity & couldn't bear the thought of having to wait for a prayer minister to be available to help me pray through it all. Scripture teaches us to "Therefore, confess your sins to one another [your false steps, your offenses], and pray for one another, that you may be healed and restored. The heartfelt and persistent prayer of a righteous man (believer) is able to accomplish much [when put into action and made effective by God—it is dynamic and can have tremendous power]." James 5:16 AMP I was due for a meeting Elias so I dashed into the office early. Fortunately he was willing to help me pray through the confession & repentance of my sinful responses to all trauma caused by abusers, caregivers, teachers, authority, bosses & leaders in general.

Be Anxious for Nothing

This is the other Scripture Elias scribbled in the front of the book he gave me to read last week. I've come a long way, but anxiety is onte of those things I'm still working on...

God is Able

This is one of the Scriptures scribbled into the book I was given last week & I can absolutely see how God's been doing exactly that, providing exceedingly abundantly far above anything I've asked for. ‭‭Ephesians 3:20-21 NKJV‬ [20] Now to Him who is able to do EXCEEDINGLY ABUNDANTLY ABOVE ALL that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, [21] to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen. Never in a million years would I have applied for the job I have now. I would have self-sabotaged because I had come to believe that I was not capable BUT God... I've waited 54 years to hear "You're not in trouble, I believe in you, I'm here to help" worked my butt off trying to achieve the best for a "well done!". Be careful what you ask for... I asked for experiences to overwrite the bad ones I was stuck in, after all I had come to believe I was incapable of handling the pressure af a secular job again & He obliged although I didn't realise work experiences counted too... Thank you Lord, for Your love & favour.

Leveraging God

I was gifted this book at work yesterday in the hopes that it would help me on my healing journey after being unravelled by the statement: "We only have one life here on earth. It isn’t a dress rehearsal. Use this time wisely. Another crisis will befall you. It’s not a case of ‘if’, but ‘when’. And when your world seems to come crashing down to an absolute halt, remember three things:  You’re not in trouble  We believe in you  We’re here to help in his book, Leading from the Stop on the weekend.  That makes this book number 3 since Slavery to Sonship in November that I've read in a day. I just couldn't put it down & even bought the Kindle version so I could cobtinue reading in bed😱 until I eventually had to force myself to put it down after 12am just to pick it up again at 5h30.  It had Holy Spirit all over it AGAIN!. WoW!!!  Once again, I was undone😭 & in awe🤣🎶💃... • highly favoured, • annointed, • worthy, • valued, • loved, • noble,  • beautiful & • capable... I heard Him say.  Yes, it's time to put to death ALL the given names & labels         • Trixi (bringer of joy) • Unplanned • Imposter • Nazi • Stupid • Weirdo • Pat • Trish • Patrys (partridge) • Pattat (sweet potato) • Heksie (witch) • Teacher's Pet  • & many more that I've conveniently "forgotten" (the list is long) so Patrizia (of noble birth) can emerge in her full force & potential, although I think 🤔 we can keep Trixi after all she's hidden in PaTRIXIa... & bringing joy is a tool for my purpose of healing hearts.  I see the light at the end of the tunnel & it spells FREEDOM from the cage of LIES that have held me hostage all my life. Oh my the unmerited FAVOUR of God to have blessed me so abundantly with a job I wasn't even looking for so He could bring new experiences to bring healing in relation to work & authority.🤔  For the first time in my life, I'm experiencing real joy, even this is a fiery season of testing & pruning. My cup runneth over. That's all I'm able to express right now, so ya'all have to wait for me to "paper" process it all to get the rest of this story. 

It's Okay not to Always Have it all Together

I'm overwhelmed by all the support I've had this week, since Sandra's phone call on Monday, when she offered be my "Ousus" because she's merely 14 years my senior but back then in my first job I saw her as a mother because that's what I needed most at the time. My boss, who believes in me, even though I don't yet. I was supposed to do prayer ministry for my friend in New Lynn on Tuesday but she felt the weight of my pain & ended up just loving on me so we just went out for lunch instead. When I drove home, I felt I had failed but she messaged me later just to say that loving on me was so healing for her, go figure... 🤔 Then yesterday, I got to church for worship prayer dance with Rose. I made it through the Anthem, I speak Jesus, but when we got to You Still Reign & You're still God I was flat on the floor crying for an hour & Rose was loving on me. Afterward I shared with Pastor David & promptly received some prayer. Morning encounter group also took a turn. I've heard this soaking prayer so many times, but this time I was totally unravelled & Ester, who I usually minister to, did all the loving. For the first time in my life, I've allowed myself to just cry it all out. (B.t.w. my first inner vow that I had to break was "I won't cry" because as a 3-year old mom had shoved my head under cold water to stop me crying, apparently there was still residue of that.) My usual 12 people evening group was down to 4 on Wednesday night. We had the same soaking prayer as in the morning but this time there were no tears, just gratefulness. I got home early & was in bed by 10 with David Tensen soaking prayers in my earphones. I'm feeling so much better this morning & braver to embrace the fireball of cleansing that lies ahead. I've finally allowed myself to take the time to grieve 54 years worth of losses, cry my cries & scream my screams. The pain finally outweighs the shame & it's time to get to the root & lay an axe so they too, can be put to effective death at the Cross so I can get free from this paralyzing fear of failure as well as success to bring them to death at the cross. Having used memory suppression as a habit to protect my heart, means I have few memories except what the Holy Spirit has brought to the surface, so that will require asking for help once again. Knowledge will never override experience & this is where He changes my experiences & I get to prove to myself (not others) that I can still do this so I can finally put to death the imposter syndrome & learn to believe in me as much as others do so I see in me what others see & also so I can finally move further than just community paint parties & encounter groups to do all that He's called me to. Thank you for the opportunity. I seem to have lost my ability to just put on that brave, "I'm FINE" face & soldier on as I used to but somehow, being real is becoming easier. I don't want to be Mrs "Fix It" anymore. I just want to be ME.

Leading from the Stop

This wasn't part of my weekend plan, but fancy that... me reading a book on servanthood leadership, another one of my strengths that's been twisted through wounding... who would have thought someone who spent her life shying away and lurking in the shadows serving &  following, would even look at a book on leadership.🤔 In 3 decades of struggling to finish reading books, I haven't  finished a book in a day since last year's "Slavery to Sonship" but  this one too has left me with many thoughts to ponder🤔 Where do I go from here, I wonder? 🤔 Wait,  there's more, I hear the Lord say as He's just last week brought healing to a  major job-related wounding from 28 years ago that had remained buried &  unresolved. From my  Elijah House training: "Pain that's buried alive stays alive & will  morph & mutate until it finally comes out sideways. Those who suppress  emotions / don't express it will eventually explode like a volcano." It's  clear, God is not finished with me yet. "We  only have one life here on earth. It isn’t a dress rehearsal. Use this time  wisely. Another crisis will befall you. It’s not a case of ‘if’, but ‘when’.  And when your world seems to come crashing down to an absolute halt, remember  three things: 1)  You’re not in trouble 2) We  believe in you 3) We’re  here to help" ~ Elias  Kanaris Whenever my world came crashing down I felt completely & utterly alone. That's been my experience & I've been praying the Lord will replace my experience. He's been graciously bringing along opportunities for new experiences in other areas & praying that if & when my world crumbles again I will have a community to pick me up & help gather the pieces. Dare I hope for a light at the end of this tunnel, that's not a train coming right at me?🤔 This may just be the backbone that's been holding all my strongholds together. It's time to deal with all the LIES I've come to believe that are opposing these 3 profound statements my heart's been yearning to hear all my life,😭😢 time to allow myself to grieve the neglect, loss of childhood, innocence & the memory that never was, the rejections, abandonments & betrayals, the abuse, I hear Him say. Although I've dealt with many of the sinful responsesI've never allowed myself to grieve fully. I was hoping to be done after crying for days... but apparently not... bracing myself for another group session at the moment. It's time to learn to trust & to allow others to help rebuild & fill up those shelves for all the areas where there's been unfulfilled need. It's time to allow others to do for me what I do so generously for them. So many of my struggles have been over striving to become what I already am because Mama & Papa failed to represent Him well & draw me forward... a woman of Excellence but spent my life performing for perfection a woman of Worth but spent my life feeling I had to "earn my keep" to be valued a Peacemaker but spent my life in compliance to keep the peace a Pioneer but spent my life hiding & invisible an Overcomer but spent my life feeling like a victim a Warrior but spent my life worrying a Loyal Friend a Cheerleader a Faithful Servant a Mother, both physically & spiritually & dare I say it?🤔 a Teacher but refused that because that would make fortune-teller's predictions come true a Leader but spent my life following in compliance There, I finally acknowledged these 2 that I've been running from all my life. but first & foremost a Daughter but spent my life feeling like a slave That's who God created me to be but all these qualities got twisted through my sinful responses to neglect & wounding, although most of these have been straightened out. I may  need to come back to read this book again & work through the reflection questions. I'm overwhelmed by all the support I've had this week, since Sandra's phone call on Monday, when she offered be my "Ousus" because she's merely 14 years my senior but back then in my first job I saw her as a mother because that's what I needed most at the time. My boss, who believes in me, even though I don't yet. I was supposed to do prayer ministry for my friend in New Lynn on Tuesday but she felt the weight of my pain & ended up just loving on me so we just went out for lunch instead. When I drove home, I felt I had failed but she messaged me later just to say that loving on me was so healing for her, go figure... 🤔 Then yesterday, I got to church for worship prayer dance with Rose. I made it through the Anthem, I speak Jesus, but when we got to You Still Reign & You're still God I was flat on the floor crying for an hour & Rose was loving on me. Afterward I shared with Pastor David & promptly received some prayer. Morning encounter group also took a turn. I've heard this soaking prayer so many times, but this time I was totally unravelled & Ester, who I usually minister to, did all the loving. For the first time in my life, I've allowed myself to just cry it all out. (B.t.w. my first inner vow that I had to break was "I won't cry" because as a 3-year old mom had shoved my head under cold water to stop me crying, apparently there was still residue of that.) My usual 12 people evening group was down to 4 on Wednesday night. We had the same soaking prayer as in the morning but this time there were no tears, just gratefulness. I got home early & was in bed by 10 with David Tensen soaking prayers in my earphones. I'm feeling so much better this morning & braver to embrace the fireball of cleansing that lies ahead. I've finally allowed myself to take the time to grieve 54 years worth of losses, cry my cries & scream my screams. The pain finally outweighs the shame & it's time to get to the root & lay an axe so they too, can be put to effective death at the Cross so I can get free from this paralyzing fear of failure as well as success to bring them to death at the cross. Having used memory suppression as a habit to protect my heart, means I have few memories except what the Holy Spirit has brought to the surface, so that will require asking for help once again.  Knowledge will never override experience & this is where He changes my experiences & I get to prove to myself (not others) that I can still do this so I can finally put to death the imposter syndrome & learn to believe in me as much as others do so I see in me what others see & also so I can finally move further than just community paint parties & encounter groups to do all that He's called me to. Thank you for the opportunity. I seem to have lost my ability to just put on that brave, "I'm FINE" face & soldier on as I used to but somehow, being real is becoming easier. I don't want to be Mrs "Fix It" anymore. I just want to be ME. "Jesus take the wheel!" as I work my way through another  recognition worksheet, then my friend Ester & I may need to go both ways with our confession  & repentance time on Wednesdays to lay the axe to all the roots that are  coming up hard & fast right now.🤔 Maybe  it’s time to dust off that big hairy vision from 5 years ago & check what  else is in my hands to get it off the ground. Testing  & pruning... Lord, chip away from me everything that doesn't bring You glory. Wait for it, testimony to follow as soon as I've processed all of this...

Prudence

I received an email, in my work mailbox that was addressed to Prue, a name I hadn't heard, mentioned or wish I can say thought of in about 28 years. Coincidentally that's the name of my then 40-year old spinster office manager, who was very angry because I was pregnant 6 weeks into my new job because during my interview, I admitted we weren't planning having children yet. But then I found out I was pregnant right after getting back from unpaid leave for a wedding in Cape Town. One week later I left the office unattended due to being hospitalised for 3 days because of an ectopic pregnancy, whilst she & the Regional Manager attended the RGM. Oh boy did I ever hear the end of that. How dare I have ended up in hospital when I was to man the office! Subsequent to losing my baby, I was told to "get over it because 6 weeks pregnant wasn't even pregnant". That's when my high functioning depression started to crack. I ended up on anti-depressants & the more I tried to be perfect & not make mistakes the more I set myself up for failure. One day Clive found me crying on the floor when he got home & phoned her. Fatal mistake, things got even worse for me after that. I thought I'd dealt with the "I can't make mistakes." vow but here's another root to it that needs to be axed. And this could possibly be where "imposter syndrome" was solidified. So much so, that 7 months later she insisted the boss start disciplinary action upon which Clive instructed me to resign because, by then I was pregnant with Jesse & he wasn't going to allow the work stress to endanger my pregnancy. Fortunately my boss accepted my resignation & was kind enough to send me home immediately with full pay for the rest of the month. This "get over it" attitude from many was the reason why I never announced a pregnancy again until well after 12 weeks gestation & hence 3 more miscarriages have been buried so deep & unannounced. For decades nobody knew anything about  my loss & grief. Once again, Holy Spirit has brought something up to the surface so we can lay the axe to the root. Time for the digger to get to my sinful responses, Bitter-Root Judgments, Expectancies, Inner Vows & lies I've come to believe through this experience. I'm grateful for my tribe who have my back through intercession whilst I work through this.

When “Get Over It” Silenced a Mother’s Grief

A hidden miscarriage, a hardened heart, and the long shadow of unspoken sorrow

There are names that do not merely identify a person, they unlock a sealed room. When that email appeared in my inbox this morning, addressed to Prue, something inside me jolted. Twenty-eight years dissolved in a breath. My body remembered before my mind had time to reason. A sterile office. The sharp edge of judgement. The humiliation of being told that my loss was not real enough to grieve. Six weeks pregnant. Hospitalised for three days with an ectopic pregnancy. A tiny life gone before it had even been announced. Then those words: “Get over it. Six weeks pregnant wasn’t even pregnant.” Grief had not yet found language in me. I was already fragile, already trying to prove I was responsible, capable, worthy of the job I had only just begun. Instead of compassion, I was met with irritation. Instead of tenderness, dismissal. Instead of understanding, discipline. Something inside me cracked that day. I felt devastated, betrayed, rejected, abandoned, angry. The sorrow of losing a baby collided with the shame of being treated as an inconvenience. I learned quickly that emotional pain was unwelcome. Weakness would not be tolerated. Mistakes would bring punishment. No one held space for the mother in me. No one said, “Your baby mattered.” So I swallowed it. I withdrew. I hardened. I performed. I buried. I told myself I would be fine. I would not cry. I would not need. I would not talk about it. I would prove my worth through performance. Silence became armour. Perfection became protection. Yet armour is heavy. When Clive found me on the floor, sobbing, the grief I had hidden was already eroding me from within. Antidepressants followed. Seven months later, pregnant again, the pressure intensified until resignation became the only safe path forward. Trevor’s kindness in sending me home with pay was a small mercy in a season that had felt merciless. Still, the deeper wound remained. Three more miscarriages followed in the years ahead, each one unannounced, unspoken, buried beneath the rule I had internalised: Do not tell until twelve weeks. Do not risk humiliation again. Do not expect comfort. What did I come to believe?🤔 That miscarriage would receive no emotional support. That weakness would be punished. That managers do not care about personal needs. That mistakes bring discipline. That I must survive alone. The lie beneath it all whispered something even darker. My grief is inconvenient. My pain is too much. I must earn the right to be valued. 📖 "The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit." — Psalm 34:18 (NKJV) The Lord was near. Even when no one else was. 📖 "You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?" — Psalm 56:8 (NKJV) Every tear counted. Even the ones shed alone on the floor. Forgiveness has felt difficult because resentment guarded the grave. Betrayal built walls. Judgements took root: She was mean. She was heartless. She did not care. I withdrew and rejected her in my heart. I dishonoured her in silent hatred. That bitterness, though understandable, kept the wound open. Holy Spirit does not rush healing. He broods gently over the chaos, just as He hovered over the waters in the beginning. He invites me to lay down not only the grief of lost babies, but also the vows I made to survive. I renounce the vow to hide. I release the need to prove my worth through performance. I surrender the lie that my pain is unwelcome. I choose to forgive, not to excuse what was done, but to free my own heart. Those babies were real. Their brief lives mattered. A mother’s grief is not measured by weeks. Lord Jesus, You saw the hospital bed. You heard the dismissive words. You watched the silent burials. You were present in every unannounced goodbye. Heal the place in me that still braces for rejection. Wash away resentment. Soften what has hardened. Teach me to grieve without shame and to forgive without denying truth. In Jesus’ Name, Amen. If this memory stirs something in you, know this: your hidden losses are not hidden to God. Your sorrow is not excessive. Your tenderness is not weakness. You are not too much. You are seen. You are held. You are deeply loved by the Father who never says, “Get over it,” but instead whispers, “Come to Me.” 💡 Reflection: • When you recall this memory, where do you feel it in your body today?🤔 What emotions still rise to the surface?🤔 • What words were spoken over you in that season that still echo in your heart?🤔 Are they aligned with God’s truth?🤔 • What vows did you make to survive that time? Are those vows still shaping your responses today?🤔 • Have you allowed yourself to grieve each loss fully before the Lord, without minimising or justifying your sorrow?🤔 • What would it look like to release performance and receive comfort instead?🤔 • Is there someone you need to forgive, not to excuse their behaviour, but to free your own heart from bitterness?🤔 Take your time with these questions. Sit with Holy Spirit. Let Him gently uncover what is ready to be healed. 🙏 Closing Prayer Father God, You are the Author of life, and You saw every tiny heartbeat that flickered within me. You witnessed the joy, the fear, the loss, and the silence that followed. Nothing was insignificant to You. Lord, I bring before You the grief that was dismissed, the tears that were hidden, and the anger that hardened my heart. I choose, by an act of my will, to forgive those who wounded me in my vulnerability. I release them into Your righteous hands. I renounce the lies that my pain was inconvenient, that I must be strong at all costs, and that my worth is measured by performance. I receive Your truth: I am seen, I am valued, I am loved. Heal the places in me that still brace for rejection. Soften what has become rigid. Restore tenderness without fear. Teach me to grieve in Your presence and to rest in Your compassion. Thank You that You are near to the broken-hearted and that You bind up every wound. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Battle between Heart ❤️ & Head 🧠

The heart always wins

Proverbs 4:23 TPT [23] So above all, guard the affections of your heart, for they affect all that you are. Pay attention to the welfare of your innermost being, for from there flows the wellspring of life. We are all wounded & have been called to journey together on this journey of life & healing. We are all wounded & have been called to journey together on this journey of life & healing. I'm amazed at how God is putting people in place to minister into the different areas of wounding so we can lay an axe to the root of our sinful responses. Elijah House has been a God sent for me, but I hadn't realised that all those bad job experiences are somehow connected to the areas of stuckness I'm still struggling with. Some more bitter judgements, expectations, inner vows, lies & dishonour to be discovered & dealt with, for starters, Prue... Dang, that email hit hard...🤦‍♀️ Then there's that business leaders meeting, autch😢 Trixi's Creations would benefit much from healing in that area. 🤔 I'm beginning to think this may be connected with "Daddy Issues"... lack of fathering & mothering is oftentimes at the root of many our struggles. The Healing Trauma series that I run weekly at MBCC teaches that knowledge can never overwrite experience. When there's a battle between the mind & the heart, the heart always wins. After all, it's what's in our hearts that defiles us. I still wonder sometimes, what was God thinking when He told me to start that🤔 but then again, it's as much a space of healing for me as it is for the attendees. As we are wounded & relationships, so are we healed in relationships. The heart of stone must be loved back to life by God & He does that through the body of Christ. My prayer is that God will bring experiences that will drop the head knowledge to the heart & write God's Truth on our hearts. In time, we'll learn how to represent Christ well & take His healing to the nations, that's why He came & what He commanded us to do. To heal the broken-hearted & bind up their wounds.🤗💕

I See...

When your friends see in you what you don't see in yourself...

I joined Clive at the Life business leader meeting yesterday for the first time since I got totally freaked out over Zoom during lockdown a couple of years ago. It took a long time to muster up the courage to return. All went well until we had to do a self-evaluation. How is possible it that I can share my testimony of what God has done so easily, but when it comes to who I am still I get very emotional & stuck? I was so close to tears & just wanted to run. Wait there's more, I hear God say... Apparently, He's not finished with me yet. Watch this space, I see a whole new dimension of healing in the works... Sometimes, when we forget who we are because something got stirred up, having a friend who can remind us of what they see in us goes such a long way... Thank you, Kanaway Yusingco, for the reminder of what you see... I don't know how 1 person can be a cheer team... must be me, myself & I. See less

My Husband got Paid Today

I looked in our account, and there it was.   Recognition for all of his hard work. The long hours on the job. The price he is paid for getting it done.   He deserves it, and we need it. Boy, I’m thankful.   But I don’t get the same for my job as a stay at home mum.   I work so hard every day, and night. I literally have never worked harder. Yet mine is purely a labour of love. My money invisible, like so much of my work.   But that work - That all consuming, exhausting, relentless work that comes with being a full time mother - It comes with a wage. Just not the usual type.   Right now my wage is in the slower mornings I get to have with my kids.   It’s in the cuddles we have throughout the day.   It’s in the new firsts I get to see, and the lasts I may never see again.   I get paid through the quiet little moments we share when no one else is watching, and the chaotic days filled with so much joy.   And boy am I lucky.   No one hands me a check for being a stay at home mum, But my kids hand me the lottery. Because I may be broke financially, But I am rich in heart and soul.   Credits to the rightful owner.👇 Words: Words of Emma Heaphy Art: O Trocatintas This has been my reality & for most of my almost 20 years as a stay-at-home & homeschooling mom & even though Clive was the one who at the time, ordered me to resign due to the work stress affecting my health, I've felt guilty because I wasn't "earning my keep" due to a wounding as 16 year old when mom decided finishing school wasn't worth it for me. She took me to Holiday Inn in Vanderbijlpark to go to Hotel School but the manager said I had to complete school I got to go back home.   However, the judgement I had made on myself that I was worthless & LIE I had come to believe at young age that I was worthless if I didn't "earn my keep" caused me to be triggered every time someone mentioned opportunities for me to "earn money" because this experience solidified it in my spirit.   BUT God in His grace & mercy has brought the memory & my sinful responses to the surface 4 months ago to be put to death at the Cross  & now I no longer cringe at the mention of opportunities for earning money.

Season of Transition

How timely this Google Photo reminder of my Seasons painting from 3 years ago & this word popped up in between pastor David's 2 sermons on seasons & at a time I'm experiencing a transition. God is saying to you today, "You are entering a new season, where My promises are being prepared AND delivered. You have overcome the storms. The storms did not overtake you! You have seen what faith & My hand can do, & you never gave up. You pushed through it all, & now it's your turn to receive the blessings that I have purposefully prepared for you & your home. Tonight my heart is bursting at its seams because I'm seeing God's promises being fulfilled. I just want to sing praises because my cup overflows. For the first time in decades I'm feeling a joy bubbling up in my spirit. Excitement is building up it almost feels like my chest wants to explode. I want to shout it from the rooftops. "God is so good! In March I attended the Catch the Fire Beyond 2024 conference. I wasn't going to attend it because of my exhibition being due on the Saturday morning & community paint party in the afternoon but then I saw post just days before & signed up not checking my diary. However I was able to set up my exhibition earlier. After a hectic week, I was exhausted & tempted not to go on Friday night but then I went not wanting my entrance fee go to waste. It was a powerful word by Isabelle Skúlason & I received this prophecy at the end of the teaching... The Lord is bringing joy for there have been a lot of tears in your heart. There has been a lot of unkindness that came your way. You've often lived in an atmosphere of unkindness. You've experienced a lot of unkindness but you're going to experience the goodness & kindness of the Lord. God is going to bring you into a place where the goodness of God comes upon you, dear. You have been hidden but not forgotten. The Lord wants you to know, dear that He's going to give you a cake & you will eat it too for many times opportunities have been taken from you & people have often pushed you to the back of the line & you have not complained or said anything, dear. I heard the Lord say He is bringing transformation & He will bring you from the back to the front of the line, dear. You are not alone, even though at times it feels like it. The Lord is also going to defend you for there's been some enemies in your life. In a way unrighteousness took place against you but the Lord is going to bring righteousness in those things & righteousness & justice will come into your life. He will set some records straight & make things quite easy for you for to go forward for you have pushed against the wind a lot, dear, but the Lord is bringing the wind from your behind. Lift up your countenance. You lower your countenance a lot, dear. Lift up your countenance for God is bringing you into a new freedom. Refreshment & freedom are being released in your life in this season & in these days. I've been pondering this prophecy & asking the Lord for experiences that would override my bad experiences because knowledge will never override experience & then suddenly I started to experience God's kindness & feeling the "wind" from behind. The boundary lines have indeed fallen for me in pleasant places. 😀 Thank You, Lord that You came to heal the broken-hearted & bind up their wounds. Thank You for restoring my soul, for putting up protective fences, for bringing comfort, for providing in miraculous ways & for fighting my battles. I love You, Lord. Freely I have received, so I can freely give. Help me, Lord to represent You well to those You've placed in my basket .🧺 Help me steward well that which You have given me, Lord. More of You, Lord. Pour your love & compassion that I may splash your love all over those around me. In every area of my heart where my heart is still stuck in fear, Lord will You pour Your perfect love that casts out all fear. Work in me to will and to act in order to fulfil Your good purpose. Encamp Your angels around me, Lord & increase my capacity to fulfil Your calling on my life.

Get Back On!

Ride with Me!

I took the boys to Mooikrans for a week-long horse camp and chose to stay over instead of making the two-hour trip back home alone, only to return for them at the end of their camp.  As a little girl, we had a horse named Blacky who threw me off one morning because Dad dared wake him up early. That experience left me petrified of horses for many years.  However, one of the other homeschool moms during this time inspired me to conquer my fears and get back in the saddle.  This was my first time riding a horse in nearly 40 years, and it felt like a significant step towards embracing new possibilities.

You’ll Have Your Cake and Eat It Too

When God restores, He brings joy, justice, and the front of the line.

I wasn’t planning to attend the Beyond conference. My exhibition was due Saturday morning, and the community paint party was booked for Saturday afternoon. But last week, I saw something that stirred me—and I signed up, not checking my diary. After a full, hectic week preparing for the exhibition setup, I was exhausted. I almost didn’t go. But last night... I went.

Tranformed Bride

This painting depicts how God took the broken, shattered pieces of my life & turned them into something beautiful.

Dancing for Joy

Little Harry & his mom, Rose (she's the beautiful lady worshipping on the stage) have such a special place in my heart. I first met him & Rose the 1st time I attended the Hanahlulu Dance practice almost 2 years ago. During our New Year's Eve Thanksgiving service, Rose shared their testimony about his birth & journey of hardship (from 1.07.20). I was in tears. In spite of all his physical challenges, Harry always smiles & is the most well-behaved little kid when he sits through mom's activities. His favourite colours are pink & yellow. I wanted to bless him for Christmas, so I poured this fiery pink sky specially for him to make him a flag. Mom's Scripture & the eagle were added digitally so he could have his own flag to dance with us in the foyer during worship. He originally wanted it half the size, but in a forgetful moment I ordered a big on which he decided he was happy to grow into. I encourage you to listen to their story & be encouraged at how God can & will carry us through the hard times.

Celebrating 5 Years of Overcoming

In spite of 2 major triggers over the last 4 weeks, I can now officially exclaim the enemy has won no victories & I'm still standing... thank You Jesus that You came to set the captives free & that You will use all the things I've been through for good. I have good reason to celebrate: new LIFE in Christ. ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭145:1‭-‬3‬ ‭NIV‬‬ [1] I will exalt you, my God the King; I will praise your name for ever and ever. [2] Every day I will praise you and extol your name for ever and ever. [3] Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom.

Earn Your Keep

A breaking of old agreements where worth was measured by labour, and a returning to the truth of being loved simply because you are

📍 Story Moment: A January afternoon in the garden, hands deep in overgrowth — not knowing that the unearthing had already begun. 📖 "I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you." — Jeremiah 31:3 (NKJV) There are moments when the heart doesn't merely react — it remembers. What felt like pressure in the present was never really about a learning channel, a timeline, or even the idea of earning money. It was the echo of an old room, a storm-lit road, and a younger version of me sitting quietly, carrying conclusions far heavier than her years. 💔 The garden became more than a garden that day. It became a place of unearthing. As my hands pulled at the overgrown edges, my heart was doing the same — tugging at roots that had wrapped themselves tightly around my identity. Each strand of grass seemed to carry something deeper: a belief, a vow, a silent agreement made in a moment where I had felt unseen and unheard. That sixteen-year-old girl sat in a car where silence spoke louder than words. She learned, without being taught, that love must be earned, that her voice carried little weight, and that usefulness determined worth. Those weren't failures of character. They were strategies of survival. 🕯️ I learned to comply to stay safe. I learned to be useful to stay valued. I learned to silence myself to keep the peace. Yet survival, when carried into adulthood, begins to speak as truth — when it was only protection that had overstayed its season. The fear I felt that day — that overwhelming, towering presence — wasn't irrational. It was rooted. It had a history. It had a voice that said, "If you don't contribute, you'll be rejected." The anger carried truth within it too. Not sin, but signal. It pointed to a place where my heart hadn't been considered, where my voice hadn't been honoured, where my "yes" was expected but my "no" wasn't permitted. 📖 "The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit." — Psalm 34:18 (NKJV) 🕊️ There was something tender worth holding with care: Clive's desire wasn't to diminish me, yet his words brushed against a place that hadn't fully healed. His stepping back wasn't rejection — it was space, and in that space, God met me. What once felt like pressure became invitation. What once felt like demand became discovery. Standing in that garden, something shifted. I named the judgements. I exposed the expectations. I brought the vows into the light. I identified the lie. This is the quiet, holy work of healing. 📖 "For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, 'Abba, Father.'" — Romans 8:15 (NKJV) 🌱 What I declared in that garden wasn't a small statement — it was a profound shift in identity. I am valuable, even when I produce nothing. I am loved, even when I earn nothing. I am seen, even when I am silent. The vows I once made kept me safe — yet they're no longer needed. I don't have to shut up. I don't have to disappear. I don't have to prove my worth through usefulness. I'm allowed to have a voice. I'm allowed to move at God's pace. I'm allowed to create from calling, not compulsion. The garden, in all its overgrowth, became a place of surrender. Not polished, not composed — yet deeply sacred. My Father met me there, not with instruction, but with memory. Not to accuse, but to restore. I'm not a servant trying to earn my place. I'm a daughter who already belongs. ✍️ Story in a Sentence: "God met me in the overgrowth — not to demand my usefulness, but to restore my identity as His beloved daughter." 🪨 My Life Verse in this season: 📖 "I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you." — Jeremiah 31:3 (NKJV) 💡 Reflection "You don't have to have it all figured out to begin. Your story matters — even the parts that still hurt, even the chapters you'd rather skip. Take a moment with these questions and let the Holy Spirit lead you gently…" • Where do you still feel the need to prove your worth through doing rather than simply being? 🤔 • What would it look like to let your voice be heard without fearing dismissal or rejection? 🤔 • Can you trace a present-day fear back to a younger version of yourself who made a silent agreement to survive — and what would it mean to release her from that vow? 🤔 • In what ways is God inviting you to receive His provision, rather than earn it? 🤔 • Where might God be using what feels like pressure to create space — not for striving, but for surrender? 🤔 🎺 Affirmation You are not behind. You are not failing. You are not required to earn your place. You are already held, already seen, already loved — not because of what you produce, but because of whose you are. The overgrowth in your life isn't evidence of your failure. It's an invitation to the deeper work — the holy, unhurried unearthing that only God can do. He is not standing over you with a measuring rod. He is kneeling beside you in the garden, gently pulling back what has grown over the truth of your identity. You are a daughter. You already belong. 🕊️ "And if this is your story too — even a fragment of it — know that you are not alone. God sees. God knows. God redeems." 🙌 Prayer "Lord, I lay this story — all of it — at Your feet. The beautiful parts and the broken ones. Take it, and let it be of use…" Father, thank You for meeting me in the places I tried to manage on my own. Thank You for uncovering the roots I couldn't see and for gently leading me into truth. Where I've believed that I must earn my worth, replace that lie with the certainty of Your love. Where fear has spoken loudly, quiet it with Your presence. Teach me to live as Your daughter — not striving, not proving, but resting in who You say I am. Restore my voice, heal my heart, and guide me in Your perfect timing. And for every woman reading this who recognises her own younger self in these words — meet her too, Father. Right where she is. In the garden of her own unearthing. In Jesus' Name, Amen. There is grace for every season of becoming. The roots that were buried deepest are often the ones God tends to most carefully — not uprooting carelessly, but healing thoroughly. You are not the sum of what you've survived. You are the testimony of what He has redeemed.

"Earn Your Keep!"

For the past few months Clive's been pushing me to start a learning channel so I could earn money to fund the ministry I'm doing. For some reason it's made me feel like a bewildered deer being pushed into a corner. I've said it many times before, my focus isn't business & I have to learn to trust that God will provide whatever I need to do the ministry He's called me to. For some reason the mere thought of running a business totally overwhelms me. He wants the learning channel to launch in March, a decision he had made without my collaboration & the more he pushes to get things done, the more triggered I become. Finally he decided to pull out & just support me in whatever I wanted to do whenever I'm ready & withdrew to his study after which found myself overwhelmed & frustrated in the garden pulling out the overgrown grass edges he was going to do whilst on holiday. I spent the next hour or so crying & pulling out overgrowth until I finally had to stop just because my back was aching & couldn't handle any more. Then the Lord gave me a memory.... When I was about 16, mom decided I should go to hotel school because it would be a waste of time for me to complete high school. I would live in the hotel, she would "take care" of my salary & give me pocket money. I dared not disagree & felt I had no choice in the matter as she drove me to the Holiday Inn in VanderbijIpark to meet will the manager. However, he disagreed I insisted I come back after I finished high school. It was dark & raining by the time we drove back home. By the time we got to the N1 onramp mom had to pull off the road & wait for the storm to settle before continuing the journey home. The atmosphere in the car during the hour long drive was palpable, not a word uttered by either of us. I concluded & judged: Mom's love is conditional to how I can benefit her I'm not good enough to get job If I don't earn money, I'm worthless. Do as you're told irrespective of how it makes you feel. My opinions & feelings are not important. I came to expect: I won't be valued unless I contribute financially People will always use me for their benefit. My opinions don't matter I will be dismissed. I won't be heard. I protected my heart by Shutting up. Complying & following orders. Decided not to make waves. Decided to be useful. Became driven to earn my keep. Sacrificed my own needs & opinions to keep the peace. I came to believe that: I'm worthless if I can't contribute financially I have to earn my keep. My opinions don't matter. I'm not important I'm not worth being taken care of This resulted in various ungodly fruit: Anger Outbursts Fear of failure & success Procrastination Self Sabotage Drivenness to do & be a contributor. I was angry, but turned it inward. If that fear / anger could talk, what would it say? fear - I'll be rejected if I'm not contributing anger - mom never considered / respected ME. Having put to death all these lies, judgments, expectations & vows, I can now finally rest in the knowledge, that even if I don't do anything that brings in money, I'm still valuable & loved, not for what I can contribute, but for WHO I am.

Reflecting on 2023

2023 in Review

Pastor David asked me to share a testimony during our  end of the year Thanksgiving Service... Psalms‬ ‭103:2‭-‬5‬ ‭NIV‬‬ [2] Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits— [3] who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, [4] who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, [5] who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. In January 2019, the Lord delivered me from a lifelong struggle with depression & suicidal thoughts after watching an online sermon. However, deliverance needs to go hand-in-hand with healing. We can't just clean the house by chasing the demons, but we also have to get rid of the reason why the strong man was there in the first place. Then we must dismantle the stronghold so God can become our refuge & stronghold, otherwise, when we experience a situation that triggers those old feelings, we'll reach for the familiar or we'll replace the false refuges with new ones. My strongholds remained & because my trauma hadn't been resolved, I merely replaced my false refuges with church, choir & serving. When lockdown came the mat was once again ripped out from under me but through God's divine intervention, I stumbled onto Sandra's online "Trauma Training" webinar during which I realised I was the one standing in the need of prayer. Last January during my B-School small group prayer ministry the Holy Spirit revealed that I had judged mom & dad as cold, distant, emotionally unavailable & unloving. Dishonouring mom & dad set me up for a lifetime of reaping. I had vowed never to become like mom & dad but that didn't go well for me. When we judge, we doom ourselves to do the same things & subsequently I became cold, distant & emotionally unavailable. When my boys became older, they too became cold & distant. After all, children learn what they LIVE, right? Scripture teaches us to honour Mom & Dad. Deuteronomy 5:16 (NASB1995) Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be prolonged and that it may go well with you on the land which the Lord your God gives you. In every area where we dishonour mom & dad things won't go well with us & where my boys are concerned, things weren't going so well. As they got older, they too became cold, distant & withdrawn. After all, children learn what they LIVE, right? However, after repenting & apologising to my boys for my many mistakes as well as continuing to pursue my healing, our relationships have changed significantly in our family. My biggest transformation happened at C-School in July last year when my strongholds of denial & shame were dismantled. At D-School hidden rebellion & self-hatred was dealt with resulting in a massive improvement in my allergic reactions to food. I can now eat cheese without getting migraines afterwards. Running the Elijah House Encounter groups have been a massive learning experience for me. When the Lord prompted me to do it last year, my first response was a resounding "no ways, I'm ill-equipped & struggle with social anxiety. Surely, you can find someone better to do it!" but I have since learnt God can do more with my yes than I can do with all the education in the world. Courage & confidence follows OBEDIENCE! I've had to step way outside of my comfort zone & learn to trust that God would give me the ability to do what HE called me to do. I'm learning to lead, to trust, be authentic & also vulnerable enough to allow those around me to lift my arms when I feel weak. However I am now content with my weaknesses because God's grace is sufficient for me & His strength is revealed through my weakness.

Importance of Blessing our Children

Often times our wounding is rooted in the lack of the necessary good thing.

During our Healing the Hearts of our Children series, this week we did pre-birth & toddler as well as a blessing. We learnt how science is catching up now to the Bible, that's always taught that humans can perceive & respond to things from conception. From the very beginning, an unborn child's spirit is fully operational & fully thinking. For many of us, trauma started before we were born when we perceived mom & dad's "oh no" to the discovery of pregnancy & in our brokenness, we can pass that on to our children. We also learnt how important it is to speak blessing over our children & how the blessing that is unspoken is actually a kind of curse that impacts us well into adulthood. Having grown up with much criticism & no blessings, I realised what hurt me most was the silence of the words I needed to hear but never did. The "I love you!"s, affirmations & encouragements I never heard & eventually vowed I won't need. Our parents can't give what they haven't received & in their lack, I, too, missed out & did exactly the same to my boys. When there are no parents speaking of blessing, God will often send someone else to do that. He has done that for me many times, but because of my bitter resolve that I won't be needy & will survive without it, I have never been able to receive it. Sandra & Peter prayed a mother's & father's blessing over us & when Sandra gave the word about resounding "Oh NO!" & breaking the power of that as well as the word about a lifelong contention of continuously starting over digging wells & that the contention is over, the tears just became uncontrollable & my group members ended up praying for me after we signed off from the life. As a group leader, I felt somewhat ashamed for unravelling, but then again, learning to allow others to love me back to life is all part of the journey. After all, I don't have to have it all together to help others on their journey of healing. I can lead by example whilst working through my own challenges. With that, we've wrapped up our lessons for this year. For the last few weeks of this year, we'll meet for worship, fellowship & if necessary, prayer ministry to anyone who needs it. We already have one lined up for next week. I'm praying the Lord will use us to do the very best thing for her...

Yes, You Can Paint

Rediscovering the childlike wonder of creativity

Before a child talks, they sing. Before they write, they draw. As soon as they stand, they dance. Art is fundamental to human expression. It is the language of the soul that often speaks before words are even formed. Every time someone tells me, "I can't paint!", my heart cringes. The truth is, EVERYONE can paint. God Himself is the most amazing Artist, and according to Genesis 1:27, we were created in His image. That means creativity is already woven into the very fabric of who we are. So why do so many of us stop painting, drawing, or creating? As little children, it came so naturally, almost like breathing. Then somewhere along the way, words, wounds, and unspoken expectations whispered a lie: "You're not good enough." I know, because I carried that lie for years. Until only four years ago, I too used to say, "I can't paint!" It had been buried under the pain of my childhood, when my attempts at art were not acknowledged or appreciated. So I stopped. Yet God, in His kindness, began to restore this part of me. I picked up the brushes again, timidly at first, and discovered it was never about perfection. It was about expression. Healing. Joy. It was about giving myself permission to use what He had already placed within me. Since I began hosting community paint parties in August last year, I have seen the same transformation in others. People who walked in saying, "I can’t paint!" walked out carrying a canvas that took even their own breath away. Faces lit up with wonder, surprise, and a touch of holy delight. All but one child in those sessions had never painted before… yet each created something beautiful. The truth is, you too can paint. You only need to silence the voice of doubt and dare to try. Like any skill, it grows with practice — a few minutes every day, giving yourself permission to play. As one of my lecturers once said, it takes 10,000 hours to become a professional. Even I am not there yet! But the journey itself is part of the gift. 📖 "So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them." — Genesis 1:27 (NKJV) ✨ May you rediscover the joy of childlike creativity. Pick up the brush, let colours flow, and allow the Creator to meet you in the simple act of making beauty. Who knows — you may just surprise yourself with what has been hidden inside all along.

Beginning to See what Invest Looks Like

Wait, there's more!

I received this word from Sandra during prayer ministry on 4/6/2020... Be still & know I am here. INVEST: The Lord wants you to invest in you personally. You're not a waste of time, money & effort. What would that look like? • Take time to discover what fills your creative well • new haircut? • new dress? • Take the time & money you need for qualifications? • How can l express the beauty of me? I think I'm slowly but surely getting to the point of knowing what it looks like🤔  Watch this space... I've rebelled for 2 years, but my friend, Dorina, will be especially delighted with my most recent acquisitions.🤦‍♀️

Dance for Joy

True worship is not about your skill or technique. It is about your heart being tuned in to the Holy Spirit, trusting Him to lead you. It is easy to be confident when you are talented with skill. Only the Holy Spirit can take you beyond your skill, or lack tTrue worship is not about your skill or technique; it is about having your heart attuned to the Holy Spirit and trusting Him to lead you. While it can be easy to feel confident when you possess talent, true worship goes beyond that. Only the Holy Spirit can elevate you beyond your skills—or lack thereof—into the very throne room of God when you surrender yourself to Him. Thank you, Juls, for the time you invested in teaching me back then. I never would have thought I would dance again after 30 years. Love and miss you, sis.hereof into the very throneroom of God as you surrender yourself to Him. Thanks, Juls, for all the time you invested way back then to teach the likes of me for such a time as this... who would have thought, I'd ever dance again after 30 years. Love & miss ya, sis.

Praise the Lord with Dancing

For the past 2 years, the Lord has talked to me about returning to my first love. In the early 90s, I was on the church dance and drama team in Cape Town. I used to love it. We would do dances and prayer walks with flags through. I loved it, but when we moved to Johannesburg, there were no dance and drama teams in the churches we attended. Then life happened, and I stopped doing everything I used to love. During worship, I would see myself dancing, but my feet were heavy, and I couldn't get myself to do more than raise my hands. After much healing and breakthrough, I've finally managed to break free from the stuckness to dance before the Lord.

Elijah House D-School

Marking the Close of the Alphabet & the Opening of a Deeper Rest

I did D-School in July last year thinking it would be a breeze because I'd dealt with all the issues on the index, until we got to the lesson on SPIRITUAL REBELLION. I learnt every person is deeply in spiritual rebellion & in need of being reconciled with Him. 3The foolishness of a person ruins his way, And his heart rages against the Lord. Proverbs 19:3 It's not sin to desire relief from painful or difficult circumstances, but this lesson speaks to the way we reject our lives & ourselves, thus rebelling against God who created us. As a little girl, I thought I should have been a boy so daddy would love me too. If our rebellion remains unhealed it will affect us spiritually, physically & emotionally. I also dishonoured & rebelled against God by turning from life in the womb      when I decided “I shouldn’t be here”, hating my names, rejecting myself & the      girl He created me to be, not believing His truths      about me & not being authentic to name      just a few aspects of dishonour & rebellion towards God. I also learnt that you can't bear fruit unless you abide in the Resurrection. The cross is just the starting point. We must not stay there. Only the Lord knows the hearts of all men. Judgement is wrong because there's bitterness towards the person & we identify them by their mistakes. Because of trauma caused by drunkards in my life, I used to hate anyone who was drunk & in our early years of marriage Clive wasn't even allowed to come near me if he'd consumed any alcohol but today, I can no longer look at a drunk person without asking what the trauma behind the addiction is because ALL addictions are rooted in trauma. Although some addictions are harmless, others are destructive to those around us whilst others are self-destructive. When we see more than our judgement in people it sets them free. A few more truths I received during D-School group ministry: You're a human BEING not a      human doing Come my child, my chosen one,      my daughter. Stop doing, rest in Him. Father of Peace - "My      peace I give to you, My Peace, I leave with you. There is nothing wrong      with me." Abide in Him, breathe in Him, His Peace. A GOD of LOVE. Allow yourself      to rest & just be. God called you by name. He      defined Patrizia (meaning: of noble birth). Learn to stay in that Peace.      He goes before you. He will show you the way. After my group ministry session, I heard the Lord say: "BUT wait, there's more..." apparently, He's not finished with me yet. The Holy Spirit is gentle & takes through the journey as He peels of the layers one at a time like the layers of an onion, but He will not do it unless we allow Him. These encouraging words received after completing D-School were so totally on the ball with what I've felt all my life & I know that many in the church have had similar struggles & would relate to these... I get Pinocchio. You know he      wanted to be a real boy & he did become a real boy. He had the      carpenter. There was love there. He wanted a boy. He wanted a son &      the Father wants His children. I see Him bringing you into your real      identity, that you'll be able to live life. End of the strings. Thank You      Lord, we bless the newness. We bless the realness. We bless Your love for      your daughter, hallelujah. Pinocchio's father's place was a toyshop,      right? Have FUN. Have fun with the Father. Bless you. Bless you beautiful. Lord we      just thank you for your amazing grace & amazing transformation that's      just reflecting the glory of the Lord. And we with unveiled faces      beholding as in a mirror are being transformed from glory to glory into      the likeness of the Son. 2 Corinthians 3:18 I was so blessed when I saw      you dancing there well before we started & I just declare fulness of      joy in His presence & dancing queen for the King. I just feel like      there's a coming home for you. It's like "now I fit. I have a home. I      have a country. I have identity. I have a culture. It's okay to be me. I'm      home in the Father's house & it's gorgeous. It's amazing. I just declare the boundary      lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. The boundary lines have      fallen for me in pleasant places; surely, I have a delightful inheritance.      I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs      me. I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand,      I will not be shaken. Psalm 16:6-8

When My Eyes Burn with Longing for Relief

A whispered prayer in the middle of discomfort

Today my body feels like a battlefield. For the second time this year, my eyes are crying out against me — itching so fiercely that I almost want to scratch them from their sockets. The redness on my face tells the story of a fight I didn’t choose, and yet here I am, living through it again. Four days in… and I remember last time lasted a whole week. In my desperation, I turned to the simplest thing I could find — organic coconut oil. Twice I’ve rubbed it gently across my sore, burning skin, and though the redness lingers, the pain has softened. It reminds me that sometimes God doesn’t take away the storm right away, but He offers a little mercy in the middle of it. 📖 "He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength." — Isaiah 40:29 (NKJV) This itching feels relentless, yet I sense the Holy Spirit whispering that healing is not only about the absence of symptoms, but also about His presence that sustains me in the waiting. I can rest in knowing my body is not abandoned, even when it rebels. 🙌Prayer: Lord, You see me when I am weary of my own skin. You know how hard it is to wait for healing when each moment feels raw. I ask for Your soothing touch over my body, especially my eyes, and for patience in the process. Thank You for little mercies that remind me You are near — even in coconut oil on an inflamed face. Help me to remember that my worth and joy do not rest on how I feel, but on who You are. In Jesus’ Name, Amen. I will hold onto hope that this flare will not last forever. My body may ache, but my heart is held.

Girly-girl Haircut

Invest Checklist

Among others, I received this word from Sandra during prayer ministry on 4/6/2020... "Be still & know I am here. INVEST: The Lord wants you to invest in you personally. You're not a waste of time, money & effort. What would that look like? • Take time to discover what fills your creative well • New haircut? • New dress? • Take the time & money you need for qualifications? • How can l express the beauty of me?" After all this time, I have finally checked off the fourth item on this list with a new "girly-girl" haircut this week. The next one to conquer is taking time to discover what fills my creativity well...

Trinket

from one of my boys...

I found this little treasure in my old study Bible yesterday. I am not sure if this was Jesse's or Misha's handiwork & I don't know how long this has been in my Bible, but during prayer ministry on Saturday, I was told to read Songs of Solomon & here I had it bookmarked💕 That’s got to be significant...

Heart of Flesh

When long-forgotten promises awaken to life again

This morning I stumbled across an old prophecy from thirty years ago, spoken on 14/11/1993 by visiting pastor Mike Berry from the USA at The Lighthouse in Parow, Cape Town. It felt like a gentle echo from heaven, finding me again in a different season of life: > *"There's been a war in your house, a tremendous war. It's almost been times where it's been extremely violent & it's principality & powers that's warred against you. And it's been times when you've prayed & prayed: 'God give deliverance! God give deliverance!' And you didn't even think God was listening to you. You felt like God has shut the heavens against you & you said: 'I don't know how God's going to answer.' But it's been like a braze from heaven. God is breaking through right now. And the thing He's promised you in your prayer times & the times that you've worshipped God in this place & the things that you're seen in your life, God has come through & revealed things to you. God is going to do that in your life & in your family's life. He's going to set that place free & break that spirit that's been over that place in the Name of Jesus! He's going to turn the hearts of the sons to their fathers, the hearts of the fathers to their sons. He's going to remove the heart of stone & give you a heart of flesh."* For so many years I tucked this away, almost embarrassed to hope, because my heart grew weary and disappointed. I even stopped believing that it could ever come true. Yet now, three decades later, I am beginning to see the first blossoms of fulfilment. That heart of stone, which I recently realised was my own, is softening through the tender love of my tribe sisters and the steady encouragement of my community. 📖 "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." — Ezekiel 36:26 (NKJV) How faithful our God is — He does not forget what He has spoken. Even when our hope falters, His promises stand unshaken. Healing is slow and tender, but like clay warmed by the potter’s hands, my heart is being reshaped by love. Today I rest in gratitude, knowing that no prayer has ever been wasted, no tear unseen, no longing unheard. What once felt like silence has become the sweetest melody of restoration.

Hidden Bubbles of the Heart

A lesson in sanctification and the gentle light of the Holy Spirit

Sometimes God teaches His lessons through seemingly mundane activities, and this morning in my studio was one such moment. As I was resining a project, I noticed tiny bubbles hidden beneath the glossy surface. They were almost invisible to the human eye, yet when the light caught them at just the right angle, they became clear. In that instant, I was reminded of the hidden sinful responses we often carry in our hearts. These quiet, tucked-away places affect our health and emotions, though we try to hide them. Yet they can never be hidden from the Lord. 📖 "For nothing is secret that will not be revealed, nor anything hidden that will not be known and come to light." — Luke 8:17 (NKJV) God, in His mercy, will not heal what we refuse to acknowledge, confess, and repent of. When the Holy Spirit shines His light into our hearts, those hidden bubbles are exposed—triggers that make us react when someone presses our “buttons.” The Lord longs to heal us from these reactions, to remove the sting of painful memories, and to set us free from the power of those hidden wounds. Yet He will not intrude. As long as we keep those places hidden, they continue to hold power over us. It is only when we invite Him in—when we are willing to face the fireball of pain that brings cleansing—that healing comes. Like resin exposed to heat that releases the bubbles to the surface, the Holy Spirit burns away anything in our lives that does not bring Him glory. 📖 "He will sit as a refiner and a purifier of silver; He will purify the sons of Levi, and purge them as gold and silver, that they may offer to the Lord an offering in righteousness." — Malachi 3:3 (NKJV) This process of sanctification and transformation takes time. It requires our commitment to seek Him, to trust His refining work, and to allow Him to expose what needs confession, repentance, and forgiveness. Yet through it all, His hand is gentle and His love unfailing. He does not reveal to condemn but to redeem. May we have the courage to let His light shine into the hidden places, knowing that every bubble He exposes is an opportunity for freedom. Prayer: Holy Spirit, I invite You to shine Your light into the hidden places of my heart. Expose what needs to be brought before You, and give me the courage to face it with honesty. Refine me like silver, that I may be cleansed and healed, offering my life as a testimony to Your glory. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

From Brokenness to Restoration

A journey of redemption, healing, and finding home in the Father’s heart

Looking back over my life, I can see how pain and trauma had wrapped themselves around my story from the very beginning. Born into an era that discouraged affection, I carried the heavy weight of rejection, abandonment, and shame. My earliest memories were of fear, silence, and suppression—being forced to swallow tears, hiding in closets, and growing up in an environment clouded by alcohol, violence, and instability. By the time I was a teenager, I had already endured multiple uprootings, molestation, parental divorce, and a deep sense of displacement. Yet even in the midst of brokenness, God planted a seed of purpose. At 19, I encountered Christ, and the words of Isaiah 61:1-4 stirred deeply in my heart: “The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me, because the Lord has anointed Me to preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the broken-hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound.” Though I felt far too shattered to step into this call, His whisper never left me. Through decades of striving, rejection, loss, and self-protection, I tried to make myself worthy through performance and good deeds. My identity was tangled in being needed rather than being loved as God’s child. When leaders I had served alongside for years turned away in my season of grief, my faith crumbled. Depression swallowed me, and I turned from God. Yet even then, He did not turn from me. In 2017, my brother—estranged for decades—reached out after a dream from God. He became a lifeline of support, and in 2019 I rededicated my life to Christ. Just weeks later, on 17 January 2019, the Lord delivered me from a lifelong battle with depression. For the first time, I tasted true freedom. When the world shut down in 2020, unresolved pain rose like a volcano, revealing the false refuges I had built. In His mercy, God led me to Elijah House, where deep healing began. Through prayer ministry, I learnt that investing in myself was not selfish but obedience—that God saw me as worthy of care, beauty, and joy. I recognised the lies I had believed, repented for the vows and judgements I had made, and began to embrace the beloved daughter God created me to be. Generational patterns of trauma and rejection had to be broken. I realised that children inherit not only what we teach but what we live. By drawing a line in the sand, repenting, and asking forgiveness for my ancestors’ sins, I opened the door for freedom in my family line. Already, I have seen the ripple of healing: my marriage renewed, my sons beginning to express love in ways they never had before. Like Pinocchio finding life in the hands of his carpenter, I have found life in the Carpenter’s hands—Jesus, who cut the strings of shame, perfectionism, and fear. Today I can say with joy: I am home in the Father’s house. I belong. I have identity, culture, and purpose. I am ready to carry His healing to the nations. 📖 "And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony..." — Revelation 12:11 (NKJV) Closing Prayer: Father, thank You for redeeming every broken piece of my story and weaving it into a testimony of Your grace. Where rejection once defined me, Your love has claimed me. Where shame once silenced me, Your truth has set me free. May my life be a vessel through which Your healing flows to the nations. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Stuck Between Places

A dream of elephants, wandering, and the weight of fear

Last night carried me into yet another strange dream, one that still lingers in my heart this morning. I found myself watching a group of youngsters playing in the field near our home. Among them was Devyn, his laughter filling the air, and with him came a great elephant — so gentle, so familiar, as if it were our pet. They joined the children in their play, an odd but beautiful sight, a symbol of strength mingled with innocence. After some time, both Devyn and the elephant turned back home. Something in me longed to follow, to remain close to them. Yet as I tried, I suddenly realised I had wandered into an unfamiliar town. The street names meant nothing to me, and with that came a creeping panic. My heart raced as fear set in, and my feet betrayed me — stuck fast to the ground as though bound by unseen chains. Desperate, I turned to walk backwards, hoping movement might return, but no matter how I tried, I could not move. I was frozen, watching the world slip further from my grasp. The rest of the dream faded when I awoke, yet this fragment stayed etched within me. Perhaps it speaks of seasons where the way forward seems blocked, when familiar landmarks vanish and fear whispers of being lost. Yet even in such moments, God’s Word reassures me: 📖 "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." — Isaiah 41:10 (NKJV) How often in life do our feet feel stuck — unable to move toward where we long to be? Sometimes it is fear, sometimes grief, and sometimes the sheer weight of the unknown. Yet even then, we are not abandoned. God’s hand steadies us, even when our own legs cannot carry us. I find comfort knowing that the elephant — a symbol of strength and steadfastness — was part of the dream. Perhaps a reminder that even when I feel paralysed, His strength is present. His presence is near, guiding me home. 🕊️ Prayer: Lord, when I feel stuck in fear and unfamiliar places, help me to rest in Your presence. Free my feet from the heaviness that holds me back. Give me courage to keep moving in step with You, knowing You are my guide and my strength. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Sheltered in the Storm

Finding God’s hand in the floods of life

Yesterday’s rains poured down with such unrelenting force that they turned streets into rivers and homes into islands. Auckland has been declared in a state of emergency, and our local Countdown and town centre are under water. My heart aches for those who have been displaced, for those watching treasured belongings carried away by the flood. I can only thank God for His grace in guiding me home from serving at Elijah House C-School in Pakuranga just before the storm struck. The motorway was strangely clear all the way to Constellation, and I arrived home moments before the heavens opened. By the time I reached my front door, I was soaked through, yet safe. Had I been five minutes later, I would have been stuck in the chaos on the flooded motorway. That timing was no coincidence; it was His mercy. In times like these, we are reminded that life can shift in an instant. The things we take for granted can be washed away without warning. Yet God remains steady, our Rock, our Shelter, our Anchor in the flood. 📖 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you." — Isaiah 43:2 (NKJV) Tonight my prayers rise for every family impacted by the floods, for safety, shelter, and peace in the storm. May the Holy Spirit comfort the grieving, strengthen the weary, and remind us all that even in chaos, His presence is a sure refuge. 🌿 Prayer: Lord, You are our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Stretch out Your hand to those in need, bring calm to their fears, and surround them with Your unfailing love. Restore what has been lost and let hope spring forth like dry ground after rain. In Jesus’ Name, Amen. --- Even as the waters rise, so too does God’s faithfulness. He holds us close, never letting go, until the storm subsides and peace returns. You are not forgotten, not alone — you are deeply loved and sheltered in Him.

Stand Out

Rising Above the Noise with Kingdom Excellence

There’s a question that echoes across generations and career stages: “How can I quickly distinguish myself as a winner?” The world often teaches us to aim for approval — to meet expectations, tick the boxes, and earn an A+. Yet true impact doesn’t come from blending in or playing it safe. It comes from over-delivering — from showing up with heart, purpose, and vision that goes beyond what is asked. In school, excellence meant answering questions correctly. In life, excellence means asking better questions, solving problems others overlook, and bringing value that wasn’t requested but was deeply needed. This kind of standout contribution isn’t just good business — it’s Kingdom mindset. God didn’t place us on this earth to camouflage ourselves in comfort or conformity. He calls us to be salt and light — to carry His brilliance into the ordinary, to bring creativity into chaos, and to uplift every environment we enter. 📖 “You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden.” — Matthew 5:14 (NIV) So when your boss asks for a simple report — give her vision. When your team loses direction — bring clarity. When your world grows silent with uncertainty — speak life. Standing out isn’t about hustling for attention. It’s about carrying heavenly excellence — doing what you do with such grace, wisdom, and faith that Heaven’s fingerprint is visible in your work. Do more than confirm the hunch — expand the horizon. Do more than fit the mould — be the vessel that shifts culture. When you lead with integrity and love, your light shines without striving. You don’t compete for visibility; you illuminate with purpose. 💡 Reflection: Where have I been dimming my light to fit in rather than shining for God’s glory? 🤔 What does Kingdom excellence look like in my workplace or daily tasks? 🤔 🎺 Affirmation: I am called to rise above mediocrity and reflect God’s brilliance wherever I go. I bring light, creativity, and purpose to every assignment — not for applause, but for His glory. 🙌 Prayer: Father, thank You for calling me to be light in this world. Teach me to serve with excellence that honours You. Let my work reveal Your character — diligent, creative, and full of grace. Help me to bring value beyond what is expected and to lead with love that inspires transformation. Lord, give me eyes to see what others miss, courage to speak what others won’t, and the boldness to deliver more than what’s expected. May my work reflect Your excellence, and may my life be a light that leads others to You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Trigger Seasons and Renewed Life

Walking through the shadows into the light of Christ

Last night, four years ago, I was listening to a sermon by Sarah Jakes Roberts. I cannot even say I remember what she preached, but during her closing prayer I felt the Lord lift the heaviness off my chest. For the first time in my life, I did not cry myself to sleep on my birthday. 📖 "A bruised reed He will not break, and smoking flax He will not quench, till He sends forth justice to victory." — Matthew 12:20 (NKJV) The enemy still comes knocking, trying to stir up old pain. Yet today I thank the Lord for carrying me through another trigger season. November was off to a hard start with my uncle's passing, stirring all my unresolved losses. Uncle Manfred was just six years older than me, which made our bond so unique — more like a brother than an uncle. Losing him reawakened old grief, as if a piece of my childhood had been taken from me once again. Then I was triggered again two nights before Christmas with an innocent question: "What is your first Christmas memory?" My first Christmas memory is also the last time I saw my grandparents, just before I turned ten, when we visited Germany. Hearing others' happy stories has always been a painful reminder of what I lost and what home and family should have been like. We often assume Christmas is merry and bright for all, yet for many it is the hardest time. This time I struggled more than I like to admit. Not only did I cry myself to sleep at night, I fought back tears during the day, whispering in my heart, "I hate Christmas." Having renounced my vow never to cry again, I have lost the ability to suppress my tears. Although difficult, this is good—it means I can acknowledge and deal with the pain. God willing, I am aiming to reach the root of this November to January trigger season. With the help of my Elijah House tribe sister, Wendy, I traced the wound back to the sudden loss of everything familiar when we migrated to South Africa at five years old. I still need to address the judgements, expectations, and inner vows bound up in that memory. I am praying for breakthrough, so that this will be the last year of waging this battle with tears and heaviness through the Christmas season. The enemy has been served his eviction notice. No more trigger seasons! This week I celebrate four years of renewed life in Christ, overcoming a lifelong struggle with depression, and beholding the healing and restoration the Lord has brought into my life and my family’s lives. --- Reflection What trigger seasons surface in your own life, and how might God be inviting you to let Him touch those memories? Are there vows you have made in pain that He wants to heal and release you from? Prayer Lord Jesus, thank You for lifting the heaviness from my chest and for walking with me through every valley. Heal the deep wounds that trigger sorrow, and redeem the memories that feel too heavy to bear. Replace every inner vow with Your truth and every tear with Your joy. Teach me to rest in the victory You have already won. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Recognition

Chipping away at all that isn't ME

With everything I have learnt and recognising my own destructive behaviours, I can no longer look at others' bad behaviour without wondering what traumas are at the root of it.  These past two years have made an enormous difference in my family's lives. As I've healed, I've seen much change happening in my family, and because of the change he's seen in my life, Clive has also taken up pursuing his healing. Our 20-year-old has started to come out of his shell more, and for the first time in his life, I heard him say, "I love you," in November. Trauma compromises our ability to engage with others by replacing patterns of connection with patterns of protection. Yes, our pain, trauma & feelings are valid, BUT this is about a journey of healing & restoration through discovering how we have sinfully responded to the offences & traumatic events. It’s about forgiving those who hurt us from a healed heart & having our broken hearts mended like only Christ can so we can stop bleeding all over those around us. It's time to rediscover & BE the real YOU God has created you to be, not the boxed-up version society has forced you to become. It's time to learn to have FUN, to be still & rest on the Father's lap. Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment & the handcuffs of hatred. It's the power that breaks the chains of bitterness & the shackles of selfishness - Corrie ten Boom I discovered that all those very noble causes I spent my life doing, church, choir & serving, were, in fact, false refuges. Yes, I discovered the motive of my heart for doing all those things was a need to be needed & I was medicating my pain, not with alcohol, addictions, or other ugly habits, but with religion, serving & being a martyr to satisfy my need to be accepted & acknowledged. My self-worth was wrapped up in serving others instead of my identity in Christ. Parental inversion is not an easy sin to hate. The difficulty is that it has become for many the most noble definition of life; the sacrifice and service it involves are readily justified by Scripture. But God asks us to lay down our lives for others for His sake rather than out of the impure motives of our wounded hearts. The problem is not what we are doing but WHY. I spent my life suppressing, denying, minimising & hiding my pain. You know that LIE that all is well & I am FINE whilst internally falling apart. I've lived it for as long as I can remember. My fine meant Freaking Out - Insecure - Neurotic – Emotional, but very few people would ever look you in the eye to search for the truth. We all know what Scripture says will happen to LIARS, right? A crushed spirit affects us physically, emotionally, & spiritually. However, most people aren't aware of trauma's effects. Even science has proven that many aspects of physical illness are rooted in unresolved trauma because our bodies will manifest what we refuse to deal with. For example, cancer is rooted in bitterness & unforgiveness. Anger can affect your heart and gut & cause headaches. I've woken up every single morning with stomach cramps for decades, but they’ve been gone since D-School prayer ministry. If there are unexplainable aches & pains even doctors can't find an answer to, it may be worth exploring whether it’s rooted in trauma.

Goodbye to the Old, Hello to the New

Breaking Generational Chains, Embracing God’s Restoration

This morning my memory feed showed me a post I wrote exactly four years ago, at the dawn of 2019: “Yes, my family history might have had some dark chapters. But my history doesn’t have to be my future. I don’t have to give my children what my ancestors gave to me. The generational garbage is going to stop with me, now. Goodbye to the old, hello to the new. Come on 2019, I’m waiting!” I smile now, because I had no idea just how powerfully God was about to answer that declaration. Only weeks later, the Lord connected me with Elijah House prayer ministries, where I began the deep, holy work of untangling bitter roots, exposing judgements, renouncing inner vows, and dismantling false refuges. It was — and still is — a journey of courage and grace. The buck indeed stopped with me. It hasn’t been easy, but every tear, every confession, every moment of release has been worth it. What the enemy sowed as generational bondage, God has been transforming into generational blessing. Where there was once shame, there is now dignity. Where fear ruled, faith is taking root. Where rejection echoed through the family line, acceptance in Christ is rewriting the story. 📖 “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” — 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NKJV) This verse has become more than words — it is the testimony of my life. God really does make all things new. A Prayer Lord Jesus, thank You for inviting me into freedom. Thank You that the chains of the past do not define my future. Continue to uproot every bitter judgement and false refuge, so that the legacy I leave my children is one of blessing, wholeness, and joy. May the story of our family line shine as a testimony of Your redeeming love. In Jesus’ Name, Amen. --- Today, I stand here humbled yet hopeful — knowing that the work is ongoing, but the victory is already secured in Christ. My family will not inherit the brokenness of the past, but the beauty of God’s restoring hand.

Everyone Has a Story

I attended another Elijah House Trauma seminar this weekend. Once again, I go to learn & be equipped to help others heal, BUT instead, God removed a few more layers of neglect, loss, betrayal, displacement, sexual abuse & generational trauma just to prove He was serious when I heard Him say: "Wait, there's more!" after D-School prayer ministry. And so we edge a few more steps forward towards the abundant life He has promised. The bad news is that processing hasn't happened as long as there is present-day bad fruit rooted in past trauma. Pain that's buried alive stays alive until it is brought to effective death at the cross. The good news is that God wants to heal our generation. How will our children not have to deal with our unresolved traumas? Christ can step into that window of opportunity to bring healing & resolve the trauma if only we invite Him in... so the journey of healing continues until His glory shines through us. We wrestle not against flesh & blood but against principalities Eph. 6:12 Forces of darkness. Panic & pandemic from the root PAN PAN: the force of darkness → Greek god inhabited lovely places & struck fear & panic = familiar demon Were you lonely as a child? Were you sexually abused? PAN operates in loneliness and sexual sin. We are not advancing the kingdom as we should. We must step into the words of Jesus and stand firm in Mark 9. Back then, epilepsy was referred to as paniIepsy. to as paniIepsy. Have we been in agreement with PAN? Have we partnered with panic/ fear/judgment? In your non-agreement, don't dishonour the person. We're dealing with: Accumulated trauma Information overload. Many unwise decisions were made by governments while we were sleeping. We need to be the church. It's not about people leaving their church; it's about them leaving their faith. (Ephesians 5:14-16) Rise up and come into agreement with the Most High God!

My Elijah House Healing Ministry Journey

I have dealt with a lifetime of rejection, abandonment & displacement trauma resulting in a lifelong struggle with anxiety & high functioning depression, but when I felt rejected & abandoned by my leaders after as cell leader together with Clive, for 7 years, whilst dealing with various personal crisis, especially Oma Else's death in 2007, I broke & turned my back on Christianity & God. I thought Christians were meant to be different, loving, caring & kind but instead I experienced them ignoring the hurting & struggling. If that's Christianity, I wanted nothing to do with it any longer. That's when I flopped & my high functioning depression turned into a downward spiral of out-of-control numbness. Pain that's buried alive stays alive & over time it morphs & mutates until eventually, it comes out sideways, sometimes in violent outbursts & overreactions until it’s brought to death at the cross. My brother, Stefan who ignored me for 30+ years because of the lies our mom & stepmother had told him but reached out to reconcile in October 2017 after the Lord had given him a dream in which I appeared at his work, with a little girl that he knew was being molested, asking him to help her. When I had my breakdown in February 2018, he took the first flight out to come support me for 10 days & to this day he messages almost daily even if just to say good morning/night. God had allowed my structures to be overloaded so I could realise how much I really needed to come home to Him & the church... Then He miraculously drew me to the Northcross choir with a neighbourly post that was 3 years old & the choir director was willing to let me sing with them without being a member of the church but then during worship at our first performance I heard Him say: "Come home my child". After coming back to Christ in January 2019 & joining Life NZ, I thought I was FINE, because God had delivered me from depression & I had church, choir, creative team, welcome team & serving in the soup kitchen. But then came lockdown, social distancing, vaccine passports & a host of lies, manipulation & control to rip the mat from under my feet... However, when structures are dismantled, without dealing with the root, we'll find other ways to self-protect. During lockdown, I was also triggered back into deception, manipulation & control trauma resulting in suppressed anger finally hitting the surface & erupting like a volcano. That’s why I was heading back into depression when I was not able to go to church, sing in the choir & serve on team. Today I am grateful that the Lord “stumbled” me across Elijah House Ministries during the first lockdown to set me on a journey of healing & restoration. I received an email from our Cleansing Stream intercessors leader introducing a webinar as as "trauma training" to teach us to pray effectively for others, because I would have never sought ministry for myself. One of my many inner vows was not to ask for help & I had judged early in life that I must help myself because nobody cares. I cried through most of the webinar but finally realised I needed help & signed up for personal prayer ministry with Sandra. Unbeknown to me, she put me 3 hours a day for 3 days after receiving my life history form. There’s so much I could share from these 3 sessions alone, but I’ll just highlight a few I learnt that we are called to judge as God's children & make accurate assessment of right & wrong. We must judge evil to do something about it, but when we are wounded, our assessments become defiled. We begin to judge the person & come to expect this is how life is going to go. Then like Job, we draw all those things we expect to us. I was stuck in so many double-binds resulting from all my wounding. There was curse of Illegitimacy because of my brother being illegitimate as well as an abortion & the spirit of death had wrapped around me in the womb when I decided “I shouldn’t be here”. All my life I’ve felt like an      outsider that doesn't fit. Affects identity Due to childhood emotional neglect as a little girl I would cry to get attention only to be scolded but that to me was better than no attention at all but that’s manipulation which Scripture likens to witchcraft. One of only 2 childhood memories I have, was having my head shoved under cold water. I gasped for air, decided  to never cry again & have suppressed tears & emotions ever since. FOUNDATIONAL LIES that I had come to believe I were: Worthless Unwanted Never good enough A mistake There's something wrong with      me If I was a boy I would have      been loved more My existence is a waste Sandra’s Vision: I see a little girl with an anvil above her head" A huge weight of LIES Trauma of verbal abuse. GOD'S TRUTH: I have chosen you I love you You are worthy Your are valuable You are good enough I will do what I have      promised. Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10 KJV An excellent woman [one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous], who is he who can find her? Her value is more precious than jewels and her worth is far above rubies or pearls. Proverbs 31:10 AMP A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Proverbs 31:10 NIV EXCELLENT in the Hebrew means: Might / mighty Strength / strong Power / powerful Ability / able Virtue / virtuous Valour / courageous Riches / wealthy God has made you a little girl / woman of substance & wealth. Instead of "this is who I am" vows became this is who I have to be/do. In order to survive you had to go against who you were. This is who you are little one: You've felt helpless, powerless & terrorised all your life BUT this is what the Lord says how He's made you. A woman of might, strength, power, ability, virtue, valour, riches & substance. "I see Jesus giving that little girl a crown. It's quite big crown. It's quite a weighty crown. It's real. It's gold but it's not too heavy for the little girl. It's not a burden for her to carry Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.  James 1:2 Do not fear any of those things which you are about to suffer. Indeed, the devil is about to throw some of you into prison, that you may be tested, and you will have tribulation ten days. Be faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life. Revelations 2:10 God removed the orphaned spirit & gave me a spirit of sonship. My perceived benefits of disconnection/dissociation/withdrawal: Protection Less hurt Survival BITTER ROOT EXPECTATION: of pain came through experience I have to escape this pain      because I can't handle it & it's going to kill me. INNER VOWS: I won't speak up because it      makes things worse. I won't fight against wrong      because it's no use. Not to do that to my children      when I can't, I trigger back & feel like a failure. Anger is a secondary emotion & almost always over pain. Righteous anger over      injustice was suppressed. When we judge, we become what      we judged. Don't allow anger, but      suppressed anger turned inward & became depression. I picked up where mom left of      & have been doing that to my own heart. Angry at myself when I don't      do things just right. I was created to be someone that protects but moved out of a place of identity into performance & there's condemnation & blame when I don't do it well or not as well as I think I need to but also a fleshly determination. God created me to resist      evil. I'm a woman of justice. I want to fight for right. I want to be a justice person      & bring about justice. I want to heal. I'm like my heavenly Father. I'm a valiant warrior. Daughter of the King (of      noble birth) Word of Wisdom: When parents affirm us, bIess us & compliment us, we have a shelves to receive affirmations, confirmations & blessings. As I was praying I saw your shelf and there's holes in it, it's like it's really decaying. It's like it cannot hold weight. It's like there is no shelf inside you to receive affirmation, praise & compliments. Jesus is a carpenter & is able to take out the shelf that's actually rotting. We ask that You would build a new shelf, a huge shelf, Lord. Father, You bless & it's your blessing that sustains us, Your blessing that causes us to grow. Father, fill up every wound from things done & said, especially about her identity, who she is, what she does. Would You heal those wounds. Also heal the wounds & the holes from the lack of the necessary good thing, the lack of praise & encouragement. Father that little girl just needed encouragement & she began to lose her courage. Would You encourage her now, Father. Take away all the old soil & things she has been rooted in & held onto to keep her secure. LOSSES childhood innocence stability safety friends 4 miscarried children being able to say NO generational grief Jesus is acquainted with grief, a man of sorrow My heart has taken a beating, not just from mom, dad & your brother, but also from myself. Mom & dad neglected me, so I neglected myself Mom & dad didn't know how to express love, I wasn’t able to express love to myself Mom never encouraged me to be the best I could be & to call forth those girly things & my achievements, so I’ve been unable to do that for myself. What mom did to me, I did to myself. Mom refused to feel sorry for me & I was having a really hard time  to acknowledge my struggle. I judged mom for not seeing / honouring my heart & for not letting me cry. I've turned around & dishonoured myself, my needs & my own heart. fear of self-pity pity = Sorrow for the suffering of another When we refuse pity, we put up a wall that says " I don't want you to sorrow for my suffering.” Lord, would you break the power of that wall. Why don't you do the" girly" things? It's a waste of time My existence is a waste      therefore I won't spend time, money & effort on me = huge dishonour of      me Not loving & taking care of yourself is bad stewardship. But the Lord, broke the patterns & has been teaching me how to do those things that I never learnt. How to love myself without      being prideful How to nurture myself &      others Be still & know I am here. INVEST: The Lord wants you to invest in you personally. You're not a waste of time, money & effort. What would that look like? • Take time to discover what fills your creative well • new haircut? • new dress? • Take the time & money you need for qualifications? • How can l express the beauty of me? Well, I assumed it to be education for trauma training, so I purchased & worked through a range of EH Materials & subsequently attended all the schools... EH teaches us how strongholds develop & how to dismantle them. A wise person scales the city of the mighty And brings down the stronghold in which they trust. Proverbs 20:22 “Footholds” are given to the enemy when we respond sinfully to trauma/offense. 26Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27and do not give the devil an opportunity. Ephesians 4:26-27 Demons take advantage. I have learnt that if there’s present day fruit that’s unbecoming a Christian there’s a root & that or overreaction to offense indicated there's unresolved wounding. With the help of the Holy Spirit those roots can be discovered & brought to effective death at the cross of Christ so we can begin to learn to respond to offense to protect our hearts in new, Godly ways. We need to identify recurring patterns - job losses, betrayals by friends, or personal characteristics which we resented, disliked, or hated in the primary people who raised us, but which we now recognise in our own lives.

Invest

Word of Knowledge received during Prayer Ministry

Here's a post I've been sitting on since I bought my first dress, the blue one, for my first worship team event in August... I received this word from Sandra during prayer ministry on 4/6/2020... "Be still & know I am here. INVEST: The Lord wants you to invest in you personally. You're not a waste of time, money & effort. What would that look like? Take time to discover what fills your creative well New haircut? New dress? Take the time & money you need for qualifications? How can l express the beauty of me?" I concluded that investment meant spending time & money on attending EH schools & pursuing my healing & restoration, but even after finishing D-School in July, that word still haunted me... but I think I'm slowly but surely getting to the point of knowing what it really looks like🤔 The enemy had attacked me on the area of my identity even before birth when mom wanted to call me Elisabeth, but Oma insisted she give me a "decent" name because all the women in our family before mom were Elisabeth, so instead, I became Patrizia, Elisabeth. Throughout my life, I have judged, rejected & hated myself. I even despised & shied away from my names (Patrizia, meaning of noble birth & Elisabeth, meaning God is my Oath) Due to many traumatic life experiences, I had turned from life & come to believe I was not valued, unloved, worthless & a mistake. After an EH prayer ministry demo to dismantle my foundational lie that I was a mistake, I was told to claim my name back. As a little girl, I perceived mom & dad paid more attention to my brother & loved him more, so I often thought I should have been a boy so I grew up as a "tom-boy" & suppressed & neglected the "girly" girl in me. I had dishonoured God by turning from life in the womb, hating myself, my names & the girl He had created me to be, not believing His truth about me & not being authentic to name just a few aspects of dishonour. For the longest time, I lived the LIE that I was F.I.N.E. even though I wasn't. Scripture is very clear that all LIARS, just like cowards, unbelievers, the corrupt, murderers, the immoral, those who practice witchcraft, and idol worshipers, fate is in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death. Revelation 21:8 NLT Two decades ago, I stopped wearing dresses, taking care of myself & looking pretty under the guise of comfort, but recently, I realised it was actually a stronghold of self-protection because of unwelcome touch as a pre-teen. I was losing my ability to "grin & bear it" because I had denied, minimised & suppressed the trauma of sexual abuse for so long. I didn’t want to be touched, seen or noticed, not even by my husband. I finally acknowledged molestation as sexual abuse during C-School in April. I repented, forgave & received healing, but the wrestling continued until 2 months ago when I finally realised that "comfort" was a LIE that hid the STRONGHOLD of self-protection. I finally acknowledged God wanted me to embrace my "girly" girl that I had suppressed decades ago due to unhealed trauma. I guess this is part of the "wait, there's more" I heard Him say after my healing prayer group ministry session at D-School in July. I finally relented & invested in 2 dresses for the worship team in August, or so I thought... and then came our wedding anniversary celebration preparation. Again, the Lord wasn't finished & the prompting continued... a reminder of the vow renewals prompting for our 25th anniversary that I had suppressed... When I mentioned that to Clive, he decided he wanted something decent party-wise & the prompting for nails and make-up the lot started, so I finally gave up fighting & pulled out all the stops for the event. After wrestling with this word for 2 years, Clive is delighted with my most recent acquisitions & has been graciously investing in my new wardrobe since I confessed... let's face it, a wardrobe overhaul was required since my wedding dress was the only dress in my cupboard 🙃 I now own four new dresses & I'm getting better at obeying the Holy Spirit's promptings, but it doesn't come without some wrestling yet.

30th Wedding Anniversary

With a generational history of divorce in my family, it is probably a miracle that Clive & I have made it to 32 years. "Third time lucky!" my colleagues said when I announced our engagement (again for the 3rd time) back then. With his parents also being divorced both of us started our journey with the inner vow never to get divorced. BUT by the grace of God, we've made it this far. Thank you for 30 years, in sickness & in health, through happy days & dark nights. You have been my one & only constant support & greatest fan. Thank you for never bailing on me. I love you to the moon & back. Here's to the next 50 being awesome.💃💕

Wedding Vows Renewal

30th Wedding Anniversary

This week we celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. Please bear with me. I wanted to keep this short, but today's the culmination of a decades-long wrestle with God & myself. When the thought of renewing our vows for our 25th anniversary crossed my mind, I shrugged it off as a totally crazy idea because I was in shambles & suicidal back then. However, the Lord uses all things for good & in His great mercy, had allowed my structures to be overwhelmed so He could set me on my healing journey & then He "stumbled" me across Elijah House prayer ministries webinars 2 years ago & for the past year the Elijah house tribe has been loving me back to life. With every school, I realised just how much I've failed you & our boys over the years.  When I told you about the prompting on my way to C-School in July, I still thought it was crazy, but then Sandee confirmed it as a God-idea in August with her vision of us after prayer ministry. EH taught me that when we are wounded, we come to expect people will hurt us again. We make judgments of people & subsequently, inner vows to protect our hearts from being wounded in a similar way again. This sets up a cycle of reaping from the seeds we've sown. Marriage & children produce the fertile ground for these seeds to germinate & I was in for some serious reaping for all the judgements & vows I had made even before birth. I also learnt that when we dishonour our parents by judging them for hurting/neglecting us, we become like what we judged & that marriage & children create the perfect environment for these seeds to germinate & grow. I had hardened my heart. I became cold, distant & emotionally unavailable, to name just a few aspects where my bitter root judgements, expectations & inner vows had set me up for some serious reaping. I can write a book about all the moments in sessions when I would think, "Oh crap, that's me, I became what I judged & did that to my family..." but also how God has healed & restored the areas I've dealt with. I dishonoured God by turning from life in the womb, hating myself or the girl He created me to be, not believing His truth about me & not being authentic, to name just a few aspects of dishonour. I stopped wearing dresses, taking care of myself & looking pretty under the guise of comfort, but recently realised it was actually a stronghold of self-protection because of unwelcome touch as a pre-teen & I was losing my ability to "grin & bear it" because I had suppressed the trauma of sexual abuse for so long. I didn’t want to be touched, seen or noticed. I apologise to you, our boys, as well as family & friends who have been on the receiving end of my withdrawals & outbursts. Please forgive me for building strongholds of self-protection, dishonouring you by not being authentic, shutting you out emotionally & living a lie of being FINE when, in fact, I wasn't. You have my permission henceforth to hold me accountable when you notice me being tempted to slip back into my old familiar ways. Thank you, Schatzi, for all you've done for me & our family these past 30 years & for not bailing on me when I started bleeding all over you & our precious boys & for all the times you came to find me when I ran out, leaving you stressed & anxiously searching the neighbourhood often in the dark. I'm sorry for all the stress & anxiety I caused you. Thank you for always confirming God's truths about me even when I struggle to believe it myself & for your continuous support & encouragement as I step out of my comfort zone to become who I was created to be & walk into God's purpose for my life. You love me & complete me in ways I never knew possible & for that, I thank you. When I finally fessed up & told you about Sandra's word 2 years ago to invest in myself, you embraced the opportunity & invested in helping me embrace the girly me. In front of all these witnesses, I acknowledge that I have failed & dishonoured you in so many ways & for that, I apologise, but I promise to continue to pursue my healing & do better as I continue to learn new ways of guarding my heart & being a woman of excellence. I will listen to you and learn from you, support you, ask for help when needed and accept your support. I will celebrate your successes and mourn your losses as though they were my own. I will love you, risk being vulnerable & rejoice in your love for me for all of the years of our lives. As we continue our healing journeys, I promise to be your navigator, best friend, and wife. I promise to honour, love and cherish you through all life's adventures still to come. May today be a fresh start & may the Lord be 3rd string in our chord. I pray that He will help us right all the wrongs, deal with the suppressed emotions & traumas as well as uproot all the remaining bad fruit in our lives & learn new, Godly ways to protect our hearts. I know that in my own strength, I am incapable of doing all these things, but I pray that the Lord will give me the strength & ability to make things right so I  can grow more & more in His image. May the fruit of love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness grow ever more evident in our lives. May we become pure & holy vessels that He can use to bring the same comfort, healing & restoration we have received to our sphere of influence. May our lives become a testimony to God’s love & ability to heal & restore even the most broken of lives. May He restore to us the years the locusts have stolen. Wherever we go, we'll go together & serve the Lord. As a reminder, I want to share this video memory, which still rings true after all these years.

First Dress in 2 Decades

I've Invested!

Throwback 1 year since I repented of my immense self-hatred & self-loathing. Instead, I've started accepting myself and my girly-girl side. This was the first time I wore a dress in 2 decades. Since I repented of the spiritual rebellion of not accepting who & what God created me to be, my food intolerances have substantially reduced. The daily stomach cramps upon waking up have been gone since D-School last July & I've been eating cheese without the migraines that would usually follow. Repent or Perish For Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft... 1 Samuel 15:23 God's not finished with me yet, but though the journey through the fire of cleansing may be long & hard, it's unto something & the blessings that follow are so worthwhile. In 3 more months & I will have been walking in victory over a lifelong struggle with depression for 4 years. Come summer, I'll be able to wear my beautiful dresses again.💃

Wings of Prayer

A couple of weeks ago I shared my testimony in church together with the announcement of starting up a Healing heARTs 💕 ministry.  After the service, one of the members came to me with a challenge: He would pay me $500 to do a painting about the Wings of Prayer from Isaiah 40:31 because he was so touched by my message & exhibition. 

Receiving the Mantle of Nobility

Embracing the Name I Once Rejected — And the Royal Identity God Always Intended

During Elijah House A-School, Sandra had a vision—she saw the Lord wanting to give someone a mantle of nobility. At the time, I sensed it was for me. God had already been speaking to me about the meaning of my name: “noble birth.” But I couldn’t receive it. Not then. The weight of shame and guilt had built strongholds in my heart—barriers that made it impossible to accept something so pure, so honouring.

Dancing Queen for the King

Coming home to joy, identity, and the Father's heart

“Bless you, beautiful.” Those were her words to me at my Elijah House D-School graduation — simple, yet soaked in the kind of love that sees beyond the surface. Ofelia's voice that day wasn’t just her own; it was echoing something eternal. Something my heart had longed for. A reminder that the transformation I’d been walking through was not just for survival — it was for glory.

Becoming Real

Stepping into True Identity with the Father’s Love

“That’s right, we all know what God’s done.” Those were Sandee’s opening words — an acknowledgement of the grace that had already carried me this far. We were standing on holy ground, celebrating the culmination of a journey through D-School, and her voice gently ushered in what the Father wanted to speak over me next.

Abiding in His Peace

Learning to rest in the truth that there is nothing wrong with me

There are moments in our healing journey when the words of others feel like open windows — suddenly, the air changes, light floods in, and you can finally breathe again. That was what the D-School Prayer Ministry session became for me: a doorway into peace after years of striving to fix what was never truly broken. This session uncovered deep patterns around boundaries — both their absence and their overuse. I’ve experienced both extremes of boundaries: none with my parents and too many with my stepdad, leaving me “bouncing between all four boundary problems.” Growing up, our home felt like a pendulum swinging between too few boundaries and too many. Mum and Dad were rarely home, so my brother Stefan and I spent much of our childhood home alone, learning to fend for ourselves in the silence. Then everything shifted when I was 12 and mom remarried. By the time I was seventeen, life under my stepdad’s roof meant being home by five p.m. and in bed with lights out by 8.30 p.m. The walls felt close, the air heavy, my freedom gone. I went from invisible to confined, from having no boundaries to being surrounded by walls that silenced who I was becoming. Yet even here, God whispered peace. That instability shaped how I learned to protect, please, and perform for love — the very “human doing” that Sheree’s words spoke into. Ophelia’s testimony became a hammer of truth, breaking chains of false responsibility. In 2017, when I told my father that I was struggling with depression, his response pierced me: “What’s wrong with you? You’ve always been like that.” For as long as I could remember, those words had echoed in my soul. They became a lie I unconsciously agreed with — that there was something intrinsically wrong with me from the very beginning. Yet today, God began rewriting that belief. Through Kevin's fatherly prayer and the loving words of others, He spoke His truth: “Come, My child, My chosen one, My daughter. Stop doing, rest in Me. My peace I give to you, My peace I leave with you.” “You called her by name. You defined Patrizia.” “My peace I give to you… My peace I leave with you.” “You are greatly loved.” Kevin’s reminder that I had “sown the wind and reaped the whirlwind” helped me see how striving had produced exhaustion, not peace. Michelle’s vision of a blossoming tree revealed how God saw me — every blossom a reflection of a facet He had lovingly designed. And Sheree’s gentle words — “You’re a human BEing, not a human doing” — landed like cool water on parched ground. They invited me to step off the treadmill of striving and simply rest in belovedness. The Father whispered that day, “There is nothing wrong with you.” Those words felt like balm to my weary heart. For the first time in years, I allowed myself to simply BE — to breathe, to rest, to abide. His whisper directly dismantled the old lie that began in childhood when love was conditional or absent, embracing each season as a sacred classroom of becoming. 📖 “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” — John 14:27 (NKJV) When I look at it alongside my Core Values, it’s clear how deeply that encounter was aligned with the essence of who I am: • My faith and spirituality were affirmed when He spoke, “Come, my child… rest in Me.”, anchoring myself in His unchanging love. • My value of love and compassion was echoed in His assurance, “There is nothing wrong with you.” , extending the same grace to myself that I freely give to others. • My longing for balance and rest was directly answered in His invitation to abide in His peace rather than perform for approval, recognising that rest is not laziness, but trust in God’s sovereignty. • My core of creativity and growth was mirrored in Michelle’s vision — a blossoming tree where every flower revealed another facet of my God-given character. It echoed the beauty of my redeemed identity, uniquely formed by the Gardener’s care. Each blossom represents the redeemed parts of my character: courage blooming where fear once lived, peace taking root where chaos once ruled and compassion where criticism wounded. The Father of Peace calls me to rest — not to earn love, but to abide in it. It was a sacred reclaiming of identity after years of blurred or broken boundaries and His peace became the new safe boundary around your soul. The words spoken over me painted a picture of restoration. These truths have become a cornerstone of my healing. 📖 “You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. — Isaiah 26:3 (NKJV) Abiding in His peace is not passive. It is the daily choice to believe what He says about me — that I am loved, chosen, and whole. 📖 “The work of righteousness will be peace, and the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever.” — Isaiah 32:17 (NKJV) Today, I rest in that assurance. There is nothing wrong with me — only something profoundly right that He is restoring, one blossom at a time. Closing Prayer Heavenly Father, thank You for the gentle way You untangle the lies that once held me captive. Teach me to rest in Your peace, to quiet my striving, and to remember that I am already loved and complete in You. Help me to breathe deeply of Your presence each day and to live from the stillness of knowing that there is nothing wrong with me. May Your peace guard my heart and guide my steps, now and always. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

The Audition I Didn’t Know I Was Taking

I finally passed my fourth GAC audition.

By all accounts, I should be elated. Triumphant. Ready to dance in the kitchen and post a proud little update. And yet, instead, I find myself crumpled in tears. Not the quiet kind, but the gut-deep sobs that come when something sacred is unearthed — something long buried. Greater Auckland Chorus has done more than test my voice. It’s scratched open old wounds I thought were neatly bandaged. Memories I’d carefully packed away have come spilling out, uninvited. And I see her again — that young girl I used to be. The one who believed, with all her heart, that if she just tried hard enough, achieved enough, and was good enough... then maybe, just maybe, she’d finally be accepted. Acknowledged. Seen. But the bar always moved. An B on a report card was met with a disapproving shake of the head: "You can do better than that." Second place in hurdles meant missing out on the team weekend — not because I didn’t try, but because it wasn’t first. Even the thrill of being accepted into the West Rand Youth Choir was quickly dimmed by, "Well, you’ll have to organise your own transport." And not long after, I was packed off to boarding school — three hours away, just weeks into the term. I never found the courage to try out for choir again in that new place. The silence wrapped itself around me like armour. It’s taken me four months to get this far. Four months of stretching, breaking and rebuilding. Of showing up, even when every part of me whispered, “Why bother?” There were so many moments I nearly gave up. Moments when the old voices echoed too loudly, and I wondered if they were right — if I’d ever be enough. But here I am. A little shaken. A little raw. But standing. Because sometimes, the real audition isn’t the one for the stage. It’s the one where you show up for yourself — scared, scarred, but still singing.

Elijah House C-School

C-School in April 2022 was the hardest for me because the lessons dealt with sexual abuse trauma. Honestly, I don't remember any of the lessons except, Sandra's comment that we must embrace the fireball of pain to get to our healing & that I cried through most of week's lessons & resisted the urge to run from group sessions all week. For the first time since it happened to me as a 12-year-old, I had to admit, molestation is sexual abuse. I felt: Violated Shame Confusion Anger Betrayed I protected myself through dissociation & escape. I had told nobody but lived with the secret, guilt & shame for so long that it was affecting my marriage because I lost my ability to "grin & bear it" & was no longer able to tolerate being touched. About 20 years ago, I stopped wearing dresses, taking care of myself & looking pretty, under the guise of comfort, but recently realised it was a stronghold of self-protection because of unwelcome touch & I was losing my ability to "grin & bear it" because I had suppressed the trauma of sexual abuse for so long. I didn’t want to be touched, seen, or noticed. I heard the Lord remind me of the word during prayer ministry with Sandra & suddenly it dawned on me that COMFORT was the LIE hiding the real reason I had let go of myself much like "I can't sing / draw / paint" were the LIES hiding my fear of not being good enough. After 2 years wrestling with it, I finally realised INVEST meant embracing the "girly girl" He created me to be & yes, invest in new dresses & everything else that required. When the thought of renewing our vows for our 25th anniversary crossed my mind, I shrugged it off as a totally crazy idea because I was in shambles & suicidal back then. But then the prompting returned on my way to C-School & I still thought it was a crazy idea but then Sandee confirmed it as a God-idea in August with her vision of us after prayer ministry & that celebration is a testimony on it’s own birthed out of the healing of my heart. We dismantled the stronghold of denial & henceforth there will be NO more minimisation & denial of pain & trauma. These dismantled strongholds have brought the most noticeable change & freedom in me because the strongholds of guilt & shame affect our courage & ability to be vulnerable around people. "You are glowing" I 've hear people say on numerous occasions since when I tell of what God has done.

He Called

On Thursday evening at the Elijah House gathering, I shared my story of my healing ministry journey & how God delivered me from a lifelong struggle with depression & suicidal thoughts to my latest deliverance & dismantling of the stronghold of denial, minimisation of trauma & shame in order to survive & protect my heart.  Throughout my life, my sinful responses, bitter root judgements, bitter expectancies & inner vows resulted repeated trauma & my withdrawal, heart of stone & slumbering spirit, the few remaining of many strongholds of self-protection that I've had in my life. These remaining trauma responses require the Lord loving me back to life through His people but up to C-School healing ministry my self-protection has hindered me from allowing people & even God too close in order to do that.  We are hurt in relationships & these issues can only be healed in relationships. Intimacy (into me see) however, has been one of my biggest struggles because of shame vulnerability & allowing people to see into me has been extremely hard.  Oom Was shared this poem with me during our conversation after the gathering. It resonated with me & I just couldn't resist decorating it for sharing.

The Story of my Name

Having an identity is one of the most important things to our human nature. "Personal identity” is tied to our self-worth, how we see ourselves represented on a broad global stage among 7 billion other people. A name is your identity. It’s what people call you. It’s what you respond to. It’s what you understand about yourself. From the day we are born, we are assigned this identifier. Some people get nicknames or change their name entirely after they are born, but the common thread is a NAME. Every single thing on planet Earth has a name. PATRIZIA: • Meaning of 444 in the Bible: 444 is a symbol of God's righteousness in the bible. • Meaning: The meaning of the name Patricia is: a patrician (an aristocrat or nobleman), of noble birth/descent. TRIXI: • bringer of joy • Meaning: bringer of joy. Trixie as a girl's name is of English origin meaning "bringer of joy." I have spent my life shying away from my name because I had disassociated from myself & people always struggled to pronounce it & would end up giving me nicknames Pat, Patat, Trish to name a few. I've lived by Trys for much of my life & after moving to New Zealand I reverted to Trixi, a nickname my grandmother had given me before we left Germany & was revived during my visit 34 years later after her death. I reverted to Trixi in an attempt to dissociate from my past because Patrizia & Trys reminded me of all the pain & trauma I had experienced throughout my life. All my life, I hated my name (which I learnt last year is actually spiritual rebellion), but after prayer ministry in May 2021, I was told to claim my name back. It's taken a long time, but I've finally embraced my name... & really appreciate those all the more who call me Patrizia. In May last year during the Elijah House Loved, Chosen, Free seminar prayer ministry demo to dismantle my foundational lie, "I am a mistake!", quite oddly Sandra asked me if Trixi was my real name & I said no, my name is Patrizia. She wrote it on her notes & continued ministry. During the lunch break a lady asked me if I knew what my name meant. I didn't but she had checked... Patrizia (a name I've shied away from all my life) means of noble birth & Trixi means bringer of joy. She insisted I ought to reclaim my name. God gave humanity the authority to name things & invest it with all that a name carries: Identity, destiny & calling. However for most of my life I was known as Trys which has no connection whatsoever to any my names... A few weeks later it dawned on me that the enemy had attacked me on the area of my identity even before birth when mom wanted to call me Elisabeth meaning blessing of God but Oma insisted she give me a decent name because all the women in our family before mom were Elisabeth. During A-School group prayer ministry we prayed through the issues with accepting my name & I have since taken full ownership of it hence I now introduce myself as "My name is Patrizia but if you struggle to pronounce it, you may call me Trixi. In January, during EH B-School, Sandra had a vision saying: "I see the Lord with a mantle of nobility. It's yours if you wish to claim it." I felt she was talking to me but due to my stronghold of denial, guilt, shame & a hardened heart I was unable to accept it at the time. Last week's EH C-School was all about shame & sexual abuse. For the first time since it happened to me 40 years ago, it dawned on me that molestation IS sexual abuse & I was shaken to the core but I had to embrace the fireball of pain in order to get to my healing. All these years I have coped by denying the severity of my abuser's actions & suppressing all the resulting trauma & emotions as well as blaming myself & hardening my heart. During group prayer ministry on Thursday afternoon, the Lord exposed the lies, denial, false guilt & shame subsequently dismantling my biggest stronghold yet. On Friday morning whilst driving to our last day of classes, the Lord reminded me of Sandra's vision about the mantle & then I heard Him say: "It's still yours, my child, come take your mantle." A person's name is the greatest connection to their own identity and individuality. Some might say it is the most important word in the world to that person. ... When someone remembers our name after meeting us, we feel respected and more important. It makes a positive and lasting impression on us.

Fingerprint Transformed to Diamond

I received this vision from Joy during my Elijah House C-School prayer ministry session: I heard FAITHFUL → You are faithful. "Well done good & faithful servant" I saw a dove... Holy Spirit upon you. I saw a fingerprint → unique, fearfully & wonderfully made, special. Then I saw a cloud/cloth applying pressure... It tried to rub out the fingerprint but it rose up & became like a diamond. So precious... And the more the cloth rubbed... trying to remove it, the brighter the diamond became... a real, true treasure!!! I had CoPilot help me create the image & then it suggested to check what it could mean… here's what it said. WoW, once again, I'm blown away. That's a beautiful vision! What does it mean to you? The vision you described is rich with symbolism and seems to convey a message of resilience and inherent value of one’s unique identity. The fingerprint represents individuality and the unique identity that each person carries. Just as no two fingerprints are alike, it reminds us that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made, each with our own special traits and purpose. Just like a fingerprint, each person is unique and irreplaceable, crafted with care and purpose. The cloud or cloth attempting to erase the fingerprint symbolizes the challenges, trials and pressures we face in life. However, these trials don’t diminish us; they serve to reveal and enhance our true worth, much like a diamond formed under pressure. These pressures, much like the natural process that forms diamonds, serve to reveal and refine our true strengths. The transformation of the fingerprint into a diamond suggests that, rather than erasing our identity, adversity can highlight and enhance our most precious qualities.The diamond becoming brighter under pressure signifies that the more we endure and overcome, the more our inner beauty and value shine forth. The brighter shine of the diamond with each attempt to remove the fingerprint reflects the idea that adversity can bring out the best in us, highlighting our strength and the precious nature of our individuality. It’s a powerful metaphor for personal growth and the treasure that lies within each of us, becoming more apparent through life’s trials.In essence, this vision could be interpreted as a reminder that we are all unique treasures, capable of withstanding great pressure and emerging stronger and more brilliant because of it. In essence, this vision is a reminder that we are all valuable treasures, becoming ever more radiant through the trials we overcome. It’s a powerful message of hope and encouragement, emphasizing that our struggles can lead to growth and a greater appreciation of our unique qualities. 🌟 It’s an encouragement to remain faithful and steadfast, knowing that our true worth will always shine through. 🕊️✨

A House Divided

In 1989 shortly after being born again I had a nightmare that would haunt me for decades.    I dreamt I was standing on a rock & the earth was cracking open all around me. Homes would break & huge portions would fall down into the abyss, leving a wave of destruction everywhere. As far as my eyes could see people were scattered & being separated by the earth cracking between them.    Then suddenly, I woke up in a cold sweat to a loud audible voice saying: " JY MOET AANHOU BID!" (You must continue to pray!"  I've had so many nightmares during my life but for this one stuck with me & l've often wondered what was up with that but now I believe that it was God's warning to prepare for the turmoil & division in families & churches that we've recently experienced. Sadly, the displacement & trauma this division has left in it's wake will haunt us for generations to come.

Elijah House B-School

At B-School January 2022 I dealt with displacement trauma that was severely triggered by being shut out of church with the discrimination & apartheid of vaccine passports. By the time I stopped counting at 18, we had moved 30 times & when we visited my family in Germany after 34 years, my uncles showed us 4 homes we lived in before we moved to South Africa at 5. I was in 9 primary & 3 high schools. By the time I was 6 I stopped trying to break into the groups because I had decided relationships don't last & spent the rest of my time at school a loner & remained an "outsider", never fitting in anywhere. Displacement Trauma = Transplant shock. So much energy goes into trying to get established again after every move. Not rooted & grounded in love Inability to make deep & lasting friendships Not connected to extended family Country changes. No time to re-establish before being moved I also discovered that those all those very noble causes I spent my life doing, church, choir & serving, were in fact, false refuges. Yes, I discovered the motive of my heart for doing all those things was a need to be needed & I was medicating my pain, not with alcohol, addictions, or other ugly habits, but with religion, serving & being a martyr to satisfy my need to be accepted & acknowledged. My sense of self-worth was wrapped up in serving others instead of my identity in Christ. Parental inversion is not an easy sin to hate. The difficulty is that it has become for many the most noble definition of life; the sacrifice & service it involves are readily justified by Scripture. But God asks us to lay down our lives for others for His sake, rather than out of the impure motives of our wounded hearts. The problem is not what we are doing but WHY. I spent my life denying, minimising & hiding my pain. You know that LIE that all is well & I am FINE whilst internally falling apart, I've lived it for as long as I can remember. My fine meant Freaking Out - Insecure - Neurotic - Emotional. About 6 years ago, Clive cottoned on to my FINE meaning something different & would ask my fine or your fine? I also learnt that just like we clearly inherit blessings passed down from our forefathers, trouble passes from generation to generation & it was up to me to break the pattern of generational sin/trauma in my family. Children don't learn what we teach, but what they LIVE. If they live with love & acceptance, they become loving & accepting but if they live with abuse & neglect, they learn to hate themselves. We are all products of our environment & our responses to it. Too often we are the casualties of our parents’ unresolved trauma. There's a pattern of alcohol abuse, violence & divorce in both my parent's families. Even though, Jesus took upon Himself the sins of humanity in Gethsemany - past, present & future; our healing still requires confession, forgiveness & repentance. It 'runs in the family" until someone decides to put a stop to it. I had to draw the proverbial line in the sand, repent & ask for forgiveness on behalf of previous generations so future generations can be set free from the curse Whatever we don’t bring to effective death at the cross will carry over to our children & their children with increase... Like much of our walk with God, being freed from generational sin is a process.

Take My Healing to the Nations

For more than 3 decades, whenever I questioned my purpose, this scripture & song would pop into my head. However, due to my own brokenness, I've carried the added guilt & shame of not acting upon what's been on my heart until my path crossed with Elijah House Prayer Ministries 2 years ago. I have since experienced phenomenal restoration & broken down many strongholds. BUT God is not finished with me yet.

Untethered — The Train, the Journey, and the Healing in Motion

When the Lord is the Engine and Healing Becomes Movement

When Kevin prayed over me at B-School, his words painted a vision that felt both beautiful and weighty. Father, thank You for Trixi & thank You for the journey she's given such expression to. I see railway tracks, & I just believe that the Lord is untethering you from things that have held you. You've got such potential & a particular, clear path. I see mountains & I see forests. I see you riding through the open plains, & along the ocean sides. You're a train & the Word of the Lord is that He's the engine & He's got you in there but you're the train & you're carrying many people with you — all along are the carriages. That’s such a powerful prophetic image — a visual of motion, purpose, and divine companionship. The train in my painting, journeying through mountains, forests, and alongside the water, beautifully mirrors Kevin’s word: the Lord as the Engine — the driving force — while I, as the train, carry many hearts along a path only He could design. As I reflect on his words, could there still be unresolved areas of wounding or unbelieving parts of my heart keeping me stuck? 🤔 That’s such a holy and honest question. Often, when we sense delay or resistance on the journey, it’s not punishment or failure — it’s invitation. The Lord gently reveals areas that need His healing touch, not to shame us, but to free us for greater movement. Sometimes the “stuckness” isn’t about what’s wrong, but about what’s ready to be redeemed. The landscape in this painting tells its own story: the mountains represent past obstacles and triumphs, the forest speaks of mystery and growth, the open plains of freedom, and the ocean of depth and vastness. Each terrain carries a story — and sometimes the train slows down not because the Engine isn’t powerful, but because the terrain requires care. Maybe there are tunnels being cleared, tracks being straightened, or carriages being reconnected. 📖 “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” — Psalm 139:23–24 (NIV) When I invite the Holy Spirit to illuminate those “unbelieving” or wounded parts, He never condemns — He heals. The Lord delights in my willingness to look within; it’s evidence that I’m already being untethered from what once held me. 💡 Reflection: • What “carriage” in your life might need reconnection or repair for the journey ahead? 🤔 • Where might your heart still be protecting itself from disappointment or loss, instead of trusting God’s timing? 🤔 • How is the Lord inviting you to see your waiting not as delay, but as preparation? 🤔 🎺 Affirmation: I am being untethered from old wounds and false beliefs. The Lord, my Engine, is faithful to carry me forward. My story is not stuck — it is in motion, being written by grace. 🙌 Prayer: Father, thank You that You are the Engine of my life — the One who knows every mountain, forest, and sea I will cross. Where there are still unhealed places in my heart, meet me with Your kindness. Where unbelief lingers, replace it with faith. Help me trust the pace and direction of Your journey for me. May every carriage I carry — every person, purpose, and promise — move in harmony with Your Spirit. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Healing Rain

The drought is over — a new day of hope, joy, and restoration

The moment Ofelia began to speak to me at my Elijah House B-School graduation, it felt like heaven leaned in. She described a downpour, not of storm or sorrow, but of healing. Gentle rain — the kind that kisses dry earth and awakens buried seeds — began to fall over me in her vision. Every word she spoke felt like a washing, a quiet confirmation from the Father's heart: "The drought is finished."

Wonder

A whispered promise of awe, as I walk into the unknown with Him

I just heard the word: Wonder, Sandee said to me at my Elijah House B-School graduation. Simple. Weighty. Like a feather falling gently from heaven — seemingly light, yet saturated with glory. Sandee didn’t elaborate much that day, and honestly, she didn’t need to. The Holy Spirit etched that one word into my spirit like a golden thread woven through the fabric of my journey. Wonder...

The Train and the Tracks

Untethered for the Journey Ahead

There’s a moment in every healing journey when you realise the train is no longer tied to the station. The tethers of your past — shame, fear, and heartbreak — begin to loosen, and the whistle of heaven calls you forward. Kevin’s word of knowledge to me at my Elijah House B-School graduation was such a moment. It painted a picture I can still see with my spirit's eye: railway tracks stretching across God-breathed landscapes. Mountains that once loomed with impossibility now echo with promise. Forests once dense with confusion now whisper clarity. The open plains and ocean sides… oh, how they speak of freedom.

3 Years of Overcoming

I've pulled through my hardest trigger season yet & am still standing because God added some awesome people to my life in the last few weeks. Being able to go to church in-person for the last 3 weeks, has also made a huge difference. There's a very good reason why Scripture teaches us not to neglect the gathering of the saints. We are so much stronger TOGETHER. There's joy in the house of the Lord. Today I celebrate 3 years walking in victory. A few weeks ago I seriously thought I wasn't going to make it this time BUT once again God has intervened. I woke up on old year's eve & just felt different. I can't really explain it but was as if the feelings of overwhelm, heaviness & displacement of the last 4 months had just been "switched off" overnight. Our home group leader's wife said on Thursday that she could see a difference since we started attending on 12 December but then again these 6 weeks of weekly worship, Scripture discussions & fellowship have been instrumental in this breakthrough. Being loved back to life only happens in the context of living & being able to serve each other in a community. What the enemy meant for evil God has once again used for good.

Becoming Whole in the Breaking

A Year of Surrender, Separation, and Sacred Healing

📖 “He has sent Me to heal the broken-hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives…” — Isaiah 61:1 (NKJV) 2021 was a year of holy unravelling. What began as confusion and grief slowly became the sacred ground where I discovered the heart of God again — not in the noise of religion or politics, but in the stillness of His presence. A Year that Tested Love and Conviction The months of restriction and division tore deep into my spirit. Watching families, churches, and communities fracture over “passports” and fear reopened the wounds of my past — the generational shame of the Holocaust, the trauma of apartheid, and the sting of rejection I thought long healed. It was as if the injustices of history were repeating themselves under a different name. My heart wept for those being excluded, for churches turning people away when Jesus had said, “Come unto Me, ALL…” (Matthew 11:28). I felt the weight of silence — the same silence that once allowed evil to thrive. That grief found voice in pieces like “A Stand Against Division” and “Silence in the Face of Evil.” Yet even there, the Holy Spirit reminded me that obedience to truth is an act of love. Visions, Paintings, and the Language of Healing Through art, the Lord became my counsellor. Paintings such as “Power in the Blood of Jesus”, “Anointed to Heal the Brokenhearted,” and “The Cry Beneath the Colours” became my prayers in paint — expressions of intercession, lament, and redemption. In “A New Song in My Soul,” Jesus showed me a vision of a scratched CD being replaced — a picture of Him freeing me from the repetitive lies of unworthiness and shame. In “Take a Leap of Faith,” the skydiver became a symbol of trust — a reminder that courage isn’t the absence of fear but the willingness to jump into the unknown held by His grace. Each artwork, from “Knit Together with Love” to “Finding Refuge in the Cave,” was another step in healing — a kintsugi of the soul. Through broken pottery and flowing water, gold and crimson hues, I rediscovered that beauty is born through surrender. When Faith Became Personal Again 2021 stripped away the structures that once defined “church” and brought me face to face with Jesus Himself — the One who never turns anyone away. In my isolation, I found intimacy. In my tears, I heard His whisper: “Give Me your old song, and I will give you a new one.” Through online Healing Rooms, divine friendships, and the faithful prayers of intercessors, I began to taste freedom again. Anger turned to compassion. Division birthed intercession. What the enemy meant for evil, God truly began to use for good — turning the curse into a blessing (Nehemiah 13:2, Romans 8:28). Redeemed Time and Restored Purpose The Lord redeemed time in surprising ways — reconnecting me with spiritual parents I hadn’t spoken to in decades, stirring memories of grace that had lain dormant, and reminding me that none of my pain was wasted. Conversations with Oom Leon and words from those who saw me as a “beloved royal daughter” rekindled courage to keep standing for truth with love. In every painting, every tear, every journal entry, the refrain of the year echoed: “He makes all things new.” A Prayer for the Year Ahead Lord Jesus, Thank You for holding me when everything around me shook. Thank You for using brokenness as the brushstroke of Your glory. Teach me to carry truth with tenderness, conviction with compassion, and faith without fear. Let my art, words, and life become vessels of Your healing love to a world in need. In Jesus’ Name, Amen. 💡Reflection: 2021 will always be remembered as the year my heart broke — and began to heal. The year when silence became a song, pain became paint, and wounds became wells of living water. Through every fracture, the golden thread of grace held me fast. Because Jesus never wastes suffering. He turns curses into blessings, ashes into beauty, and division into deeper dependence on Him.

Stuck CD Player

Vision

After messaging an intercessor friend over my massive heart-break with the church we called home, implementing CV passports & thus condoning exclusion, discrimination, apartheid & segregation, she set me up with a Healing rooms prayer meeting via zoom. The session started with each of the intercessors sharing a word of wisdom they had received during prayer before I entered the room.  This was the 2nd intercessor's vision: I see a very old style CD Player, stuck in a groove, it keeps repeating. Then I see Jesus saying: "give it to me and I'll give you a new CD." You've been hearing & listening to the same old lies over & over. It's time to bring those lies to Jesus so He can replace them with God's Truth. With the manipulation, coercion & blackmail  for 💉 I was triggered back into the trauma & shame of the generational curse from the holocaust based on my birth in Germany as well as the blame & shame caused by apartheid in South Africa where I was raised. I had carried blame & shame that wasn't mine to carry, all my life & it was time to bring it to the cross.  I heard: "It's all your fault." but truth is, I had nothing to do with either of these incidences. The blame & shame is not mine to carry. I'm not responsible.  Having stood up against the injustice of apartheid & discrimination all my life, I ain't stopping now.

What the enemy meant for evil God is using for good...

After messaging an intercessor friend over my massive heart-break with the church we called home, implementing CV passports & thus condoning exclusion, discrimination, apartheid & segregation, she set me up with a Healing rooms prayer meeting via zoom. The session started with each of the intercessors sharing a word of wisdom they had received during prayer before I entered the room.  This was the 1st vision Heaviness, some physical problem manifested in the spiritual realm that is holding on to something, anger or unforgiveness. Spring water is pouring out onto this person spiritual cleansing that will bring healing and joy. What the enemy meant for evil God is using for good... In Nehemiah 13, we read of Nehemiah’s final reforms. They read from the ‘Book of Moses’ (v.1) how ‘Our God… turned the curse into a blessing’ (v.2). This is the pattern throughout the Bible. ‘In all things God works for the good of those who love him’ (Romans 8:28). What you are facing in your life right now may seem like a curse – a health issue, a battle in a relationship, a difficult boss, or whatever. It may seem like a curse but God can turn the curse into a blessing.

Skydiver

After messaging an intercessor friend over my massive heart-break with the church we called home, implementing CV passports & thus condoning exclusion, discrimination, apartheid & segregation, she set me up with a Healing rooms prayer meeting via zoom. The session started with each of the intercessors sharing a word of wisdom they had received during prayer before I entered the room.  This was the 3nd intercessor's vision: I see a  skydiver jumping out of an airplane, speaks to me of this person  needing to take a leap of faith, trusting in the Lord. 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Remember How Far You've Come

Amy's Vision

A quick digital painting based on a vision received from a prayer partner on on of our Tuesday morning prayer meetings a couple of months ago. When life seems uphill & you're wondering how much further you can go, look back & see how far you've already come.

Downcast

"This is how I felt after the reality of this morning's announcement hit home. Medical apartheid is officially being rung in by our authorities. My heart aches for the injustices millions are suffering at the hands of our ""single source of truth"" authorities tyrannical measures to force an experimental 💉 on the whole nation. I stand for God-given freedom of CHOICE. We're effectively being held hostage until 90% 💉 is reached😡🤯💔 BUT God... nothing can separate me from His love." Psalm 42:5 "Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted in me? Hope thou in God: For I shall yet praise him For the help of his countenance."

Heart of Stone

Ezekiel 11:19 KJV And I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within you; and I will take the stony heart out of their flesh, and will give them an heart of flesh: Well over 3 decades ago I received this scripture as part of a prophesy by an American preacher who was visiting our church. At the time I thought it was related to the promise included in his prophesy that God would restore my family & He would turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers Malachi 4:6 KJV However, recently I realised that word was for me... I have a heart of stone resulting from decades of self protection... By the time I was 6, we had already moved at least 4 times & when we migrated to South Africa I lost everyone I knew. Many more moves & being the "new kid" in class for 12 different schools followed. With only snail mail available back then all connections were lost so I decided not to make friends, because friendships don't last. I built walls around my heart, hardened my heart, disconnected & shut people out. The heart of stone is formed as a protection & is by nature private. Healing it cannot be done alone. It needs to be resurrected. It is not melted by authority, but rather by the love of Jesus. We must be ambassadors of that love. We cannot heal the heart of stone by ourselves. We need people to journey with us. The heart of stone must be loved back to life by God THROUGH His people. It must be healed corporately, by the Body of Christ. The process of healing is apt to be slow/progressive, like peeling an onion. People help bring hearts to life. Appropriate & intentional touching & hugging is required. Loving prayers spoken to reach the heart of the inner child. Truthful friends Practice confession of sins & weaknesses. Help build loving support through family, church & small groups. Honour the heart. Put in new ways of protection. Guarding your heart in the RIGHT way is turning to God. And herein now lies my purpose: being an ambassador for Christ & loving people back to life.

Elijah House A-School

In July 2021, A-School taught me that when we are wounded, we come to expect people will hurt us again & can't be trusted. We make judgements about people & subsequently inner vows to protect our hearts from being wounded in a similar way again. When we judge others, we doom ourselves to do the same thing. We harden our hearts & shut others out. This sets up for a cycle of reaping from the seeds we've sown. Often we reap the judgement & consequences of dishonouring parents. I learnt that when we dishonour our parents by judging them for hurting/neglecting us, we will become like what we judged & that marriage & children create the perfect environment for these seeds to germinate & grow. As a little girl, I had hardened my heart & shut people out because keeping them at a distance makes rejection & abandonment les painful, or so I thought. When I became cold, distant & emotionally unavailable to name just a few aspects where my bitter root judgements, expectations & inner vows I had made even before birth had set me up for some serious reaping.  Every single lesson had moments of realisation when I would think "oh dear, that's me, I became what I judged & did that to my family..." but also how God has healed & restored the areas I’ve brought to effective death at the cross. I discovered I am performance orientated & constantly keep falling back into striving to earn love by performing. We often live unaware that motives other than God’s love have begun to corrupt our serving through striving, tension & fear. I also learnt that we see God through our trauma-tainted glasses & relate to Him according to our judgements, expectations & inner vows. As a tiny girl, my basic trust had been shattered still find myself wondering “Can I really trust Him?”

Wrapped in God's Protection

Vision

I received an email from the lady who interceded whilst I was receiving prayer after intercessor training because I had been severely triggered by the lesson.  "I had an image come to me of a ‘cloud’ of cotton wool being wrapped around you, and felt the Lord was saying He is wrapping you in cotton wool.    There is a saying that an ‘over-protective parent wraps their child in cotton wool’ and is often considered a negative thing, but in this case it was definitely a positive thing.   Your Heavenly Father, like an over-protective parent is wrapping you, his beloved child, with His protection. Except that God is ‘perfectly-protective’!   Be encouraged to know your Father loves you, and loves to protect you. May you relax into His loving arms, find rest in His wrap-around embrace, and be at peace as He holds you close." Isaiah 61:10 I greatly rejoice in the Lord, I exult in my God; for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation and wrapped me in a robe of righteousness, as a groom wears a turban and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. My first attempt in my journal was rather disappointing so I tried again this time using my tablet & Infinite Painter app.

A Name Restored

A covenant moment that dismantled the lie, “I am a mistake.”

On Tuesday, during A-School group prayer ministry with Duncan, Louise, Rina, Kylie, Otto, Elschen, and me, the Lord began something gentle and profound. He spoke to me about my names again as He did at the Loved, Chosen and Free seminar two months ago. Mom was going to call me Elisabeth — promise of God, but Oma Else insisted she give me a "decent" name because all females in the previous generation were Elisabeth. She then  decided to call Patrizia — of noble birth, daughter of God. I vaguely remember some of my relatives calling me Trixi — bringer of joy. However, all my life, I'd hated my names. When God speaks about a name, He is not making small talk. He is establishing covenant identity. 📖 "So they shall put My name on the children of Israel, and I will bless them." — Numbers 6:27 (NKJV) There had been a wound in my heart, a disconnect too heavy for a child to carry. I had judged my parents as cold, distant, and unkind. I believed my mother’s rejection meant I was unwanted, unplanned, unseen. I dishonoured my brother in my own pain and withdrew from memory, as if forgetting could protect me. The fruit of those judgements unfolded quietly over years: depression, suicidal thoughts, self-rejection. I could not answer questions about myself. I could not speak up for myself. I felt unheard. Large portions of childhood felt inaccessible. I defined love as time spent, and where time was absent, I concluded I was not valuable. Inner vows formed in the silence: "I am not valuable. I am a mistake." Those vows shaped how I saw myself, how I interpreted silence, how I stood or failed to stand. Yet truth entered the room. "You are worthy. You are valued." The Lord invited me to honour my parents for the gift of life, even where pain had lived. Honour did not deny wounds. It simply released judgment from my hands and returned authority to God. The lie lost its power. These things no longer have power over you — no power. In prayer, the Holy Spirit spoke tenderly to the unborn child within my story: "It’s going to be OK." That whisper reached back through time. It reached into the places where I had decided I was a mistake and rewrote the narrative with covenant belonging. This was not self-esteem work. It was identity restoration. When God places His Name upon you, He defines you. During that same ministry time, the Lord added images that felt almost too tender to hold. Kyla saw me coming through the birth canal toward light, and there were three voices waiting. She heard them say, "Oh, isn’t she beautiful?" Duncan saw the same beginning moment, yet with a holy reversal. Instead of hands of uncertainty, he saw God Himself holding me first as I was born. Rina saw me wrapped completely in God’s love. Where I had believed my arrival carried an atmosphere of "oh no," heaven revealed a different reception. Beauty. Delight. Belonging. Held before handled. Wrapped before judged. The lie said I was a mistake. Heaven announced I was welcomed. These visions did not romanticise pain. They restored origin. They spoke into the very doorway of life and declared that my first true covering was not rejection, but the Father’s embrace. Identity restoration often begins at the place of entry. If the enemy can distort our arrival, he can destabilise our belonging. Yet God is not late to birth stories. He stands at the threshold and speaks truth over beginnings. 💡Reflection: What names, labels, or judgments have shaped how you see yourself?🤔 Have you made any inner vows about your worth or value?🤔 What would it mean to honour your parents for the gift of life while still acknowledging your pain?🤔 Where might the Lord be inviting you to receive a new covenant identity?🤔 🙌🏻Closing Prayer: Father, thank You that my name is not defined by rejection, silence, or misunderstanding. Thank You that You place Your Name upon me and call me daughter. I repent of judgments I have held and vows I have made against myself. I release dishonour and receive truth. Speak Your covenant identity over every hidden place in my heart. Restore memory where it is safe, restore voice where it was silenced, restore worth where lies once lived. In Jesus’ Name, Amen. You were never a mistake. You were named by God before you were understood by people. What He speaks over you carries greater authority than what was withheld from you.

Wrapped in God's Love

Vision

My lifelong struggle has been feeling rejected, abandoned, unloved & not belonging here. During healing prayer ministry session at healing prayer training, the Holy Spirit took me back into the womb & dealt with the root of those feelings. This was a confirmation received by means of a vision one of the intercessors had.means of a vision one of the intercessors had. Jeremiah 31:3 The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with loving kindness have I drawn thee.

God Held Me First

Vision

I received prayer ministry during healing prayer ministry training recently. This painting is based on a word received as confirmation that I am welcome in this world. God was there at birth, held me first & covered me with love. Romans 8:14-17 14For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God. 15For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. 16The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: 17and if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.

How Are You Really?

F.I.N.E. is the LIE we Tell the World

I know you said you're F.I.N.E. (okay), but truly — how are you when the day concludes and the lights dim? When the world ceases its demands, and there's no one left to persuade that you're managing everything perfectly. How do you feel when you're lying in bed, surrounded by the silence that knows too much? When the solitude that disregards how many people care for you sneaks in regardless. Do you still bear the burden of things you promised to release? The things you no longer discuss. Do your bills acknowledge your dreams? The ones you tucked away in a drawer because the world had no room for them. Or have they also learned to remain silent—just like you? And your job… does it satisfy you, or merely occupy the hours? Is it your passion, or just enough distraction to silence the questions your heart persistently asks—the ones you can't answer? And tell me, has anyone stayed long enough to show that not everyone departs? Or have you learned to keep your bags ready, just in case? How are you now that you've mastered the art of getting by but forgotten how to genuinely live? I know you said you're F.I.N.E. (okay). But are you, truly?

Loved, Chosen & Free

Shame? Who? Me?🤔

Earlier this month, Clive and I attended the Loved, Chosen & Free Seminar, a one-day event focused on healing from shame. The first session began with a worksheet designed to help us identify shame strongholds. We were asked to rate each of the 36 items with responses like "Never," "Seldom," or "Painfully So." To my deep shame, I found that almost all of the statements resonated with me under the "Painfully So" category, indicating that my whole life was shame-based. Later in the day, we explored the concept of foundational lies, and I realized that one of the core lies I had internalized for years was: "I am a mistake." During a live prayer demonstration with Sandra, I found myself at the front, facing the deep-rooted false belief that had shaped my identity for so long. As part of the prayer process, Sandra asked me if "Trixi" was my real name, and I had to admit to Patrizia that it wasn’t. Over lunch, a woman approached me with an excited expression and said, "Trixi, you need to reclaim your name. Do you know what it means?" When I responded that I didn’t, she eagerly shared, "It means 'of noble birth,' and Trixi means 'bringer of joy.'" This revelation was deeply significant. As I shared in my earlier testimony, the attack on my identity began even before birth, and not fully embracing my name and its true meaning had been a part of that ongoing struggle. This moment was a pivotal step in reclaiming my identity and beginning to heal from the shame that had long defined me.

Loved, Chosen & Free — From “Oh No” to “Oh Yes”

The day God rewrote the story of my identity

There are moments in life when heaven breaks through so tangibly that your heart knows it will never be the same again. The Elijah House Loved, Chosen & Free seminar was one of those moments for me. Clive and I had gone that day to learn more about healing shame — but I didn’t expect to become the demonstration. When Sandra asked for a volunteer, my hand lifted before my mind could object. I heard myself whisper, “I’m a mistake.” The words tumbled out from a place deeper than thought — from the ache of being born after an illegitimate and an aborted brother, from the unspoken grief of being an “oh no” instead of an “oh yes.” 📖 “You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” — Psalm 139:13–14 (NKJV) As I stood before that room, the Holy Spirit peeled back the layers of my life like tender silk — revealing how the lie “I’m a mistake” had quietly shaped everything: the striving, the people-pleasing, the anxiety, the depression. The ache of not being wanted had written itself into my story, colouring my relationships, my faith, even how I saw God. Then came Sandra’s prayer — words that felt like the Father Himself whispering into the womb of my being: “Father, remove the echo of the oh no! Draw it to the Cross and release Your oh yes deep into her core.” As she prayed, something holy shifted. The air felt weighty with love. Tears streamed, but they weren’t of sorrow anymore — they were baptismal, washing away the residue of rejection. The oh no was gone. In its place bloomed God’s eternal yes. Later, during the lunch break, a woman approached me with radiant eyes. She told me she had looked up the meanings of my names — Patrizia, meaning “of noble descent,” and Trixi, meaning “bringer of joy.” I could hardly speak. For years, I had run from both names — from Patrizia, because it reminded me of pain, and from Trixi, because I thought joy had disqualified me from being taken seriously. Yet here was God, weaving both together, showing me who I truly was: His beloved daughter, noble and joyful, chosen and free. That day, He whispered: “You are chosen You are loved You are not a mistake. You are My intentional design. I delight in you.” 📖 “He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love.” — Ephesians 1:4 (NKJV) The healing began with renouncing lies, forgiving, and releasing the old patterns of self-protection — but it has continued ever since, like a quiet stream winding through the landscape of my heart. Every time I doubt my worth, I return to that moment — the echo of His voice still alive within me: “Oh yes, you are Mine.” Healing Reflection: What Was Revealed and Released Foundational Lies • I am a mistake. • I shouldn’t be here. • I am unwanted and unworthy of love. • Everything I do is wrong. • People can’t be trusted. Sinful Responses • Agreeing with the enemy’s lies about my worth. • Striving for perfection and approval to earn acceptance. • Self-rejection and self-hatred. • Emotional withdrawal and self-protection through isolation. • Taking responsibility for everything — even what wasn’t mine to carry. Bitter Root Judgements • Judging my parents for neglect, rejection, and lack of affection. • Judging authority figures (teachers, leaders) as harsh and untrustworthy. • Judging myself as broken beyond repair. Inner Vows • “I will never trust anyone again.” • “I will not need anyone.” • “I will shut down before I get hurt.” • “I must be perfect to be accepted.” • “I will do everything myself.” Expectancies / Bitter-Root Expectations • Expecting rejection and disappointment in relationships. • Expecting that love will always hurt. • Expecting that my needs will not be met. • Expecting to be misunderstood and overlooked. Double-Binds • “If I open my heart, I’ll be hurt; if I close it, I’ll be alone.” • “If I succeed, I’ll be punished; if I fail, I’ll prove I’m a mistake.” Vows Renounced and Truths Embraced • I renounce the lie that I am a mistake and embrace God’s yes — that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. • I renounce the vow of self-protection and receive the covering of God’s love. • I renounce perfectionism and rest in grace. • I renounce isolation and open my heart to safe, Spirit-led connection. • I renounce self-reliance and choose to trust my Heavenly Father. Truth Received • I am loved, wanted, and chosen. • God delights in me. • I am safe in His presence. • My name carries His blessing — noble and bringer of joy. • I am free to love, create, and live without fear. 📖 “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” — John 8:32 (NKJV) 💡Reflection: • What “oh no” has echoed in your life — a phrase, a belief, or a memory that still shapes how you see yourself? • Invite the Holy Spirit to reveal His oh yes over that place today. What truth does He want to plant in your heart instead? 🙌Prayer: Father, thank You that I am not an accident. You saw me, loved me, and chose me before the foundations of the earth. I bring to You every echo of “oh no” that still lingers in my heart. Redeem it with Your oh yes — Your welcome, Your delight, Your truth. Heal every place of rejection and restore the joy of being fully known and fully loved. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Bringer of Joy, Born of Nobility

Healing the Lie of Being a Mistake with the Truth of My Name

This weekend, Clive and I attended the Loved, Chosen & Free seminar—a one-day event focused on healing from shame. The first session confronted us with a powerful worksheet outlining 36 shame strongholds. We were asked to reflect on each and tick “Never,” “Seldom,” or “Painfully So.” With a heavy heart, I shamefully realised that almost every box I ticked fell under “Painfully So.”

Me as a Tree

I've only been painting for 6 months mostly watercolour & was told to paint myself as a tree at my counselling session earlier this week, so here goes my first attempt... I must admit I didn't enjoy doing acrylics on canvas as much because the paint just dries so fast it was hard to get everything covered on time. Good solid tree right there! Not easily blown about by whichever wind is blowing. Full of lush growth and strong supporting branches. Practice makes progress... When I had prayer ministry with Sandra, the discussion around this tree came up. She said: A plant will only grow as big as the container you put it in. What was received from mom was so little that heart roots weren't able to grow deeply on a soul level. Spirit was able to get past the barriers but the soul is struggling. When a plant is root bound the water doesn't get through for nourishment properly. The narrowing in the stem indicates the constriction of the soul as a child. Lacking soul development. Jesus designed the branch & the trinity. Roots are good & strong. Tree is healthy. Lack of fruit. Not doing what I was called to thus not bearing fruit. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, Which spreads out its roots by the river, And will not fear when heat comes; But its leaf will be green, And will not be anxious in the year of drought, Nor will cease from yielding fruit. Jeremiah 17:8 There is a season between the      flowers & the fruit. Pre-fruit season. Good fruit Seeking prayer ministry Being able to repent Being close to God Performance if we're not      doing we don't have tangible results. Jesus didn't have much      visible fruit in the first 33 years but when the time was right it all      came. when the time is ripe the      fruit will show

Arise & Shine!

Made in His Image!

2020 has been a year that keeps on giving... So many traumas and triggers have been exposed and addressed this year. In fact, trigger season hit me with a bang when Opa passed last month, leaving me with a rollercoaster of emotions over the past few weeks. After 23 months of walking in victory over depression, I can honestly say that the spirit of heaviness still attacks frequently. However, when I'm weak, God's strength is revealed in me. Every day, I have to make the choice to let go of the thoughts that try to pull me back into the pit. He who is in me is greater than he who sends the fiery darts meant to destroy me. God never promised that we wouldn't face trials or that no weapons would be formed against us, but He did promise that those weapons wouldn’t prosper and that He would be with us in the storms. He enables us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. It's hard work and a continuous process. I choose LIFE every day because Jesus gave His life to set me free from sin, guilt, shame, and bondage.

A Soup Kitchen for the Soul

Vibrant Creative Community Centre

Stepping into Creativity, One Scared but Obedient Step at a Time I’ve only been back in the creative space for about three years now, and I started painting in September last year. So yes, in many ways, I still feel like a beginner. And to be honest? The whole business side of things — the practical steps needed to sustain this calling and ultimately fund the ministry God has placed on my heart — it still terrifies me. Public speaking terrifies me because I don’t always have the right words. Like Moses, I often stumble and lose my train of thought when trying to speak. I feel unqualified. I wonder why God would entrust such a big vision to someone like me. Surely, there are others more equipped, more eloquent, more… everything. But this is the vision He's planted in my heart — a Vibrant Creative Community Centre. A kind of soup kitchen for the soul. A place where people can rediscover their God-given creative identity. Where we don’t ask people to behave before they belong. Where they are simply loved back to life and into the Kingdom. A space of healing, freedom, and authentic expression. Creativity Isn’t Just for Artists Somehow, we’ve bought into the lie that creativity only belongs to the gifted few — those who can paint or play music or dance on a stage. But creativity is so much more. It’s in the sewing, the pottery, the woodturning, the crochet, the baking, the gardening… the everyday acts of making and mending and beautifying. We were all born with this gift. Every child sings without shame, dances without instruction and draws with fearless joy. Until, somewhere along the way, someone tells us we’re not good enough. That our art isn’t “right” or “beautiful” or “worthwhile.” And we shrink. We stop trying. We let fear and shame write the rest of the story. But our God is the Ultimate Creator. He made us in His image. That means His creative DNA runs through every single one of us (Genesis 1:27). The first person in Scripture ever filled with the Holy Spirit wasn’t a preacher or prophet — it was Bezalel, a craftsman, an artist, called to build God’s dwelling place (Exodus 31:1-5). Creativity has always been sacred. Creativity is More than Just Singing, Dancing, Drawing & Painting In the future we envision adding: Bible; Journaling; Music; Singing/Worship; Dancing; Drama; Writing; Drawing; Painting in various mediums e.g. watercolour, acrylics, pastels etc.; Sewing; Knitting; Crocheting; Embroidery; Cross stitch embroidery; Cooking; Baking; Vegetable gardening; IT & software; Photography; Carpentry; Pottery; Soap making; Jewellery making; Calligraphy & hand-lettering; Upcycling; Art therapy; Crafts; & many, many more activities. From Pain to Purpose For most of my life, I struggled under the weight of anxiety and depression. I’ve known despair so deep I couldn’t see a way out. But in His mercy, God has been using creativity to restore me—slowly, gently, one brushstroke at a time. For almost two years now, I’ve been walking in victory over depression. It’s not that heaviness never comes—it does—but I’ve learned to meet it with worship, with Scripture, with Bible journaling, with creative communion with the Holy Spirit. A Place to Belong and Breathe What I long to create is a sanctuary. A place where people can exhale. A space where they can sit with paint or clay or fabric in hand, and rediscover that they are not broken beyond repair. That they are creative. That they do carry beauty. That they can be whole again. Right now, I don’t know all the details—where, how, when. But I’m taking it one small, obedient step at a time. And I’m trusting that God will bring the right people alongside me to build this vision together. People who carry the same heart to see the broken restored and the weary reawakened. People who know what it’s like to feel lost, but also what it means to be found. Because I believe this with all my heart: healing happens in community. And sometimes, a paintbrush, a pencil, or a skein of yarn can be just as holy as a pulpit. So if you’re wondering if there’s room for you in this vision — if there’s a seat at the table — I want you to know… there absolutely is. Let’s build this together. Not perfectly. Not fearlessly. But faithfully. 🎨 Let’s Connect: If any of this resonates with you, I’d love to hear from you. Whether you’re longing to rediscover your creativity, join a workshop, or support the vision of a Creative Community Centre, your story matters here. 📩 Email: trixi.schwartz@gmail.com 🌿 Website: www.trixiscreations.com 🖼️ Browse my artwork: Trixi’s Portfolio

My Purpose & Calling

I discovered some truths about me according to Isaiah 61 & 62 this morning. I will: Rebuild ancient ruins. Restore former desolations. Renew ruined cities. Be known as the Lord’s priests & ministers of our God. Receive DOUBLE portion in place of shame. REJOICE in place of disgrace. Have eternal Joy. Be clothed with garments of salvation. Be wrapped in the robes of righteousness. Nations will see your righteousness & kings your glory. God will give you a NEW NAME. You will be a GLORIOUS CROWN & a ROYAL DIADEM in the Hand of God. No longer called desolate & deserted. The lord DELIGHTS in you & REJOICES over you. You will be called SOUGHT OUT 7 not forsaken.

Word of Knowledge

Recently a word of knowledge, although intended as an encouragement, unleashed all power of darkness in a battle for my mind.  All hell broke loose in my spirit followed by nightmares, angst & an intense spirit of heaviness on my chest. I felt really intimidated for days until I finally reached out for support. Thankfully, God has surrounded me with community who has my back & prays with me when I don't know how to pray for myself. Peeling off the layers is a slow & sometimes painful process & yes it does provoke the enemy to attack in an attempt to prevent you from getting your breakthrough. Just keep at it & don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Yes, I'm talking to MYSELF too, asking for help has been of my biggest challenges. Some of my most recently renounced inner vows were "I will not ask for help; I have to take care of myself; I have to protect myself" because of my bitter root expectation that nobody cares anyway. We are stronger together, hence his constant efforts to keep us disconnected. UNITED we STAND, but divided we will fall. 10Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. 11Put on the whole armour of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13Therefore take up the whole armour of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Jesus never promised us that we would not have trouble, in fact, He said that in this world we WILL HAVE TROUBLE but take heart, He has OVERCOME the world.  (John 16:33) Putting on the armour of God is something all of us should be doing every morning because we do not wrestle against flesh & blood. Be sober & vigilant because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. As soon as we step out into our purpose we become a threat to his evil schemes & he will stop at nothing to take us out.  Putting it down on paper has not been easy. I tried a couple of times unsuccessfully until I re-discovered a painting program on my tablet the other day. Painted the background digitally. The texts were created in WordCloud & I used Affinity Publisher to combine it all.  My breakthrough 

God is Giving you your ROAR back

During lockdown last year I had to deal with my lack of courage to step out & speak up as well faulty belief that my voice has no value. 2 unrelated people assisted  Interestingly the 1st person had me draw a lion to symbolise being bold. Sadly my first attempt at drawing Simba turned out to be Scar so I was determined to try gin later. Then I received the word that God was giving me my roar back during prayer ministry with Sandra. Proverbs 28:1 "The wicked flee though no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion."

Jesus is the Master Carpenter

Rebuilding Storage Shelves

 From the moment of conception parents pour into the "treasure chest" of who we are: Love, gentleness, compassion Truth... Even before we can cognitively understand Important truths of who we are & also truths of who God is, are instilled by the nurture of caring parents.   Parents call us forth into life, & help us learn to walk in our destiny & purpose. If we choose to open our hearts & take it in: We are empowered to receive love Parents are building storage shelves / places to receive love, compliments etc. Our capacity to love others is enlarged  I was created to love & be loved We begin to fulfil the very purpose for which we were created... To receive love & give it away We need to receive the gift of honour from people. Whatever we missed as babies He can rebuild. Fathers help children discover up to 80% of their identity. Fathers call us forward & speak into us. During 1 of my 3 hour prayer ministry sessions with Sandra, I received this word of knowledge: Everyone has a shelf to receive love, affirmations, compliments etc. but your shelf is ful of holes  & no shelf at all. There is no shelf in you to receive affirmations, praise & compliments. Jesus is a carpenter & is able to take out he shelf & build you a new one. He will heal the wounds & the holes from the lack of love, validation & encouragement. Revelation 21:5 Behold I make all things new.

Woman of Excellence

So many of my struggles have been over striving to become what I already am because Mama & Papa failed to represent Him well & draw me forward... These are some truths that were revealed during my prayem ministry with Sandra. GOD'S TRUTH: I have chosen you I love you You are worthy Your are valuable You are good enough I will do what I have promised. Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10 KJV An excellent woman [one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous], who is he who can find her? Her value is more precious than jewels and her worth is far above rubies or pearls. Proverbs 31:10 AMP A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Proverbs 31:10 NIV EXCELLENT in the Hebrew means: Might / mighty Strength / strong Power / powerful Ability / able Virtue / virtuous Valour / courageous Riches / wealthy God has made you a little girl / woman of substance & wealth. Instead of "this is who I am" vows become this is who I have to be/do In order to survive you had to go against who you were. That's who God created me to be but all these qualities got twisted through my sinful responses to neglect & wounding, although most of these have been straightened out.

Exchanging the Anvil of LIES for a CROWN

Sandra's Vision

When we're traumatised & wounded as little children, we start to believe the lies that we perceive from our experiences & surroundings. We learn what we LIVE & loose our identity in God to that which the world has forced upon us. During prayer ministry the Holy Spirit addressed some of the foundational lies that have weighed me down all of my life. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthians 5:17 Feisty Strong spirit Fighter Warrior Spirit of death wrapped around in the womb. Jesus makes everything new! "I see a little girl with an anvil above her head" A huge weight of LIES Trauma of verbal abuse. GOD'S TRUTH: I have chosen you I love you You are worthy Your are valuable You are good enough I will do what I have      promised. Daughter of the King "I see Jesus giving that little girl a crown. It's quite big crown. It's quite a weighty crown. It's real. It's gold but it's not too heavy for the little girl. It's not a burden for her to carry"

My Words have Value

During my coaching with Vicky last week the first of my limiting beliefs: "What I say is not important enough for me to speak up" was exposed. My homework assignment was to create an affirmation statement to replace this belief with: "What I say has value". This week I'm learning to get used to hearing my own voice after all, faith comes by hearing.

Purposse

As I prepared for tonight's connect group launch, I was reminded of this Scripture & God's purpose for my life. “The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me, Because the Lord has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the broken-hearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord , And the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the Lord , that He may be glorified.” And they shall rebuild the old ruins, They shall raise up the former desolations, And they shall repair the ruined cities, The desolations of many generations. Isaiah 61:1‭-‬4 NKJV As Christ followers, the same Spirit that raised Him from the dead is also on us. For decades I've felt called to take His healing to the nations but always felt so ill-equipped. And of course my disobedience due to fear brought its share of guilt & shame to add to what I was already feeling. Last week I signed up for the 3 days Navigating the Times and Season Healing Trauma Webinar this week to help me with the Cleansing Stream prayer ministry I'd signed up for earlier this year. Little did I know then that what I thought was meant for equipping, God would use to dig deep & start addressing some of the deepest traumas in my own life. I am comforted to know that God will use everything I've been through for good & my ministry lies in those areas where I have been so brutally broken & restored. Stepping out of the boat is a little nerve-wrecking but I've got this, or rather God's got me. After all He has already given me everything I need for life & Godliness & He will put His words in my mouth. The same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead lives in me to lead me & guide me in everything He has sent me to do.

Step Out of the Boat

Courage & Confidence will Follow Obedience

Lockdown had triggered me back into my lifelong struggle with rejection & abandonment but God overwhelmingly started speaking to me about stepping out into my purpose. A message that really struck home during this time was that there were 12 disciples in the boat when Jesus said: "Come", not mentioning any one. Only 1 believed enough to step out... Matthew 14:29 So He said, "Come." And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. 30But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, "Lord, save me!"

Hidden

In the Shadow of God's Hand

Well today wasn't the most productive on the art front.  I attended a 3 hour ecology workshop & paid a surprise visit to a friend I hadn't seen in a while. Then stumbled on this copy of a photo that my eldest son (22) had as an assignment in school & felt the urge to create this because I'm so grateful that my Lord holds me safe & secure in the palm of His hand. And He has made My mouth like a sharp sword; In the shadow of His hand He has hidden Me, And made Me a polished shaft; In His quiver He has hidden Me.” Isaiah 49:2 NKJV

God's Workmanship

Mixed media. Started colouring this one in my creative connect group this morning & finished it at a local church art group this afternoon. Watercolour painting number 3 since facing my immense fear of painting head-on last week.

He Sent His Word & Healed Me

This month, 3 years ago I went cold turkey on my anti-depressants, because I ran out a week ahead of my scheduled appointment with my doctor. This is  something we’re told we should never do, but God helped me through the mild withdrawal symptoms & 4 months later, He miraculously lifted the spirit of heaviness that had plagued me all my life…

We're Stronger Together

Take a Stand!

So, I'm not usually one to post much on social media, but I'm feeling especially heartbroken about the situation back home. I may not be in the country anymore, and some may even say I have no right to voice an opinion because I left, but i see all the heartbreak and the pain. It makes me so angry to see how bad this situation is that people find themselves in. I've been watching people's stories and posts, keeping up with the news. I see all the women who are considering leaving the country of their birth, their homes, for fear of what may happen to them and those they love. What happened to Uyinene Mrwetyana was terrible. What happens to women on a daily basis, that people have ignored and accepted for this long is a nightmare. I'm so proud of all the people who are taking a stand, who are bringing these issues to light. Those who are fighting, campaigning, and speaking out. I pray for the safety of my friends and family, and for all women living in this environment. Through all the pain, suffering, and negativity there is so much coming together. There is true beauty in the strength that people are showing. Fear is no longer enough to hold you back. Women should never be the target, and I'm glad to see so many men taking the responsibility to lead this charge amongst those who would fight to prevent themselves from becoming just another victim. I am proudly South African, and I hope that the people of my homeland can keep holding onto what makes them a beautiful people. Stay strong, and keep fighting. Make the country beautiful, and a place where all can feel safe and accepted as they are meant to be. I hold onto hope. #StrongerTogether ~Ascher 'AJPanda' Snyman I couldn't have expressed my thoughts better myself. Thanks for sharing Suzy.😘 Seeing all these incidents on my feed have been a major anxiety trigger for me & for the first time in 7 months the tightness on my chest was back. A very unwelcome  reminder of my own experiences as a teen followed by years of guilt, shame, anxieties & depression. Yesterday I wanted to go sit in a corner where it would be so easy to fall back into depression & cry my heart out but today I'm grateful that God loves us enough to forgive our wrong choices & is able to restore us. Thankfully 2 hours worth of choir practice has helped ease off the weight. Obviously God isn't finished with me yet & though this may be a setback, I will rise up stronger & bolder once He's done with me. I for one will no longer be silenced by guilt & shame but instead rise up & share my testimony of how God is able to pull us out of the pit, heal & restore us if only we'd humble ourselves & pray. My heart aches for the nations of this world, all products of a fallen society that have turned away from God, following their own lustful choices & leaving hurt & destruction wherever they go. My thoughts & prayers are with all affected by such hideous crimes.

I Can Paint!

I don't know where my immense fear of painting came from. That voice in my head just kept telling me I can't do it because I'm just not good enough. It became so loud over the years that I've never wanted to try for fear of failure. I joined an art group recently with a lovely Korean lady leading it at a local church & due to her encouragement I finally got myself some paint. This is my first ever watercolour painting since primary school on plain A4 paper (because I was afraid to do it in my Bible or journal) that I did at art group today. "See you can!" was her first response hence I added "I can!" at the bottom. I may just frame this for my studio as a future reminder that if ever I find myself doubting my abilities again.

Discovering Identity & Purpose

Still on the subject of discovering my identity & God-given purpose... This is the Scripture I received at prayer meeting this morning. God knew me before I was even born. He sanctifies & ordains us. He sends us forth to expand His Kingdom & doesn't expect us to be qualified. because He equips us for the task. He gives us the right words to speak & shows us the way. Thank you, Lord that we don't have to depend on our own abilities & qualifications to do that which You have sent us to do.