Love, Tea, and Little Girl Vows

Learning to ask without fear, and to receive without shame

Love to me has always been spelt T.I.M.E. first, affirmation next and then touch. However, due to trauma of neglect, I had decided very early in life that I wouldn't need any of them, leaving me with a double-bind — the longing for what God designed me to need, and the vow made in the ache of neglect to deny those very needs.

📖 "It is not good that man should be alone." — Genesis 2:18 (NKJV)

Even from the very beginning, God declared that a relationship is not optional. We are designed for love, affirmation, touch, and presence. When those needs aren’t met, our soul learns to fear them as dangerous.

My core values (time, love, compassion, relationships, faith, service) all breathe the truth that love is meant to be received and given freely. Yet there's the pain of that little girl who decided, “I won’t need anyone,” as a way to survive. It’s almost like she's trying to close the tap on thirst — but the body was still made for water. That inner vow, made to protect my heart, became both shield and prison.

This morning, a simple offer of tea opened a doorway into something much deeper. Tiffany asked if I wanted a cup as I was leaving The Crate, and when she reminded me to ask if she forgot to offer. I found myself saying, “I’m not good at asking.”

What a holy moment tucked into something as ordinary as a cup of tea. Isn’t it amazing how God often uses the smallest exchanges to uncover the deepest roots? Tiffany’s simple kindness brushed up against an old wound — the little girl who once vowed, “I won’t ask, I won’t need, I’ll manage on my own.”

Even though I’ve already renounced that vow, my heart is still tenderly unlearning the habit. Those vows run deep because they were woven in survival, and survival habits rarely dissolve overnight. They cling until safety feels stronger than fear.

I realised how hard that still is for me and suddenly I was back with the little girl who had vowed never to need, never to ask, never to risk disappointment. That made me think there may be other unspoken promises your younger self made:

• “If I don’t ask, I won’t be disappointed.”

• “If I don’t need, I won’t be a burden.”

• “If I’m strong enough on my own, I can’t be hurt again.”

Each one a layer of self-protection… and each one, now, a layer the Lord longs to tenderly peel away. The habit of silence, of holding back from asking, is like a well-worn path in my soul. Yet healing is happening.

It’s strange how those early inner vows burrow themselves into the soil of our hearts, resisting even the most tender offers of care. Trauma taught me that needing made me vulnerable, so I silenced those needs. Yet God created us for love — for time, affirmation, touch. Denying them only hardens the soil where His love longs to grow.

Healing often comes in layers. First, we renounce the vow. Then, we begin to notice the old habits. And slowly, almost quietly, we practice new responses. Each “yes, please” is like loosening the soil around roots that were once bound tight.

📖 "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." — Matthew 7:7 (NKJV)

I have grown a lot. Prior to healing, I would have declined even if my heart longed for the warmth of a cup in my hands. Now, when offered, I say “yes, please.” It may seem small, but every “yes” is a crack in the old armour, a place where light seeps in. Saying “yes, please” when love is offered has been my first step toward freedom. It is no small thing. Each acceptance loosens the soil around old roots, allowing something new to grow.

Yet today’s conversation opened another layer. I realised the next step is not only receiving what is offered. The next step is scarier still: learning to ask when I need or desire something. Not waiting to be offered, but letting my voice rise with trust, knowing I am worthy of being heard. Tears came as I realised there is still more to heal, more of those childhood vows to untangle. Yet tears are holy — they water the ground where new freedom is being planted.

The Father smiles at my small yeses. He sees not weakness but trust. He welcomes my asking, not as a burden but as beloved intimacy. He is teaching me that to need is not shameful, and to ask is not weakness, but rather the courage to believe love will meet me there. It is faith.

🙌Prayer

Lord Jesus, You know the vows I made as a little girl, born out of pain and fear. Thank You that You are unravelling them with gentleness and truth. Teach me to ask without fear, to receive without shame, and to rest in the knowledge that I am worthy of love. Heal every place in me that still resists Your care. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

✨ Dearest one, if you are struggling in this area, may I remind you that you are not alone and you are not behind. You are on a journey. Each small step into asking, each tear shed, is part of your healing journey and watering new freedom. Each small "yes" is a victory song. God is patient, and His love is undoing what neglect once wrote into your story. You are seen, you are cherished, and you are free to need. You are loved and your needs are safe in God's Hands.